MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support)

[herenow14]

Also want to say:

1. I'm so inspired by those who've recovered and stick around. Huge shout out from me to you. I hope to do the same when this battle is all over.

2. Though I think bluelight is a good place to congregate as it is only the real safe haven we have, I hope someday we can get our own forum or something. I'd set it up myself but I'm pretty computer illiterate. I just think that constantly returning to a website rooted in drug culture is a hindrance to recovery! Hopefully LTC sufferers and survivors will have their own support forum someday where we can dodge all the negativity that comes with bluelight.

3. For those who are worried about your personal intellect, I assure you it's still there! When I first started my battle, my biggest fear was that I was retarded or brain dead. Since then, I've placed in international screenwriting contests (I want to be a writer). One of my features is in the top 10% of a contest that received 4000 entries. And I wrote the entire thing while suffering from an LTC! Not trying to boast or anything, but just want to provide encouragement to those still suffering.

 

[Tpchan85]

Hey people. I haven't been by here for a while since I was diagnosed celiac and found to be B12 and vitamin D deficient (both can cause psychological symptoms). I'm being treated and feel slightly better but I still think I'm in parallel suffering an LTC (my symptoms started 3 days after dosing a gram of untested MDMA) or perhaps some PTSD style anxiety as a result of this whole ordeal.
Lately though I've been feeling... strange. Anxiety doesn't really seem to be a problem anymore, I certainly don't have panic attacks but now I feel in sort of a cloudy haze a lot and kind of far away. In easy to understand terms I feel like I just railed half a line of ketamine and toked a joint.

Intellectually I'm fine but my memory is shot all of a sudden (5 months after LTC started), I forget what I'm saying midsentence, I forget if I took medication or not, I forget what I ate 3 hours after dinner, I forget what I did the night before. I don't feel sharp like I used to. Also been hit by depression now, real depression, not sadness or crying but a feeling of everything lacking meaning - I look at the town I grew up in and the faces of my relatives and my mind just draws a blank. I feel far away and dissociated like my consciousness is kind of not quite there, this makes me feel horribly claustrophobic, even when I'm outside walking in the countryside I feel like I'm trapped in a cellar. Depersonalization is gone and that helps a lot, I feel like a person again which is one upside. Does anyone associate with any of this? Definitely helps to know other people feel the same.

It's almost like the calm after the storm and I'm sure it's simply my brain exhausted after panic phase, nevertheless I'm trying to push it in the right direction with brain exercises and positive thinking. Strangely enough the mixture of alcohol and caffeine seems to make me feel a ton better, whereas benzos on their own make me feel even more dissociated and borderline suicidal. Considering taking an SSRI, I think the idea that positive thinking promotes positive brain changes is spot on, if an SSRI can help me maintain a positive mood for 2 months or so then it could surely only be a good thing for recovery?

 

[Lilell1919]

Hah wooooow SAME thing happened to me My Story... Same situation.. highly driven motivated kid who has a crazy stressful job and stiff plans for future success gets FLOORED by some bunk molly.. I think for a small sub set of ppl that are constantly under stress MDMA may have adverse effects.. someone should be doing some studies on this shit b/c the Millenial generation is in for one hell of a ride once they start the stress of working and raising families.

 

[ro4eva]

Ah man I'm having horrible dreams and when I wake up I'm all disoriented. Mornings suck!

Worry not coderbrah, for my time with Zoloft (Sertraline) was very similar.

Never before, nor since using the aforementioned SSRI for ~8 months have I experienced such vivid dreams, many of which I'd consider to be full-blown nightmares.

I try to view it with a sense of optimism though, as from what I understand, dreaming during sleep (regardless of how vivid or realistic it may seem) is the human brain's method of disposing of information it doesn't need.

If however the dreams are really bothersome, I would recommend that you try taking some Klonopin (Clonazepam), as it will greatly lower the chances of a patient experiencing any dreams at all.

Furthermore, I too would wake up with symptoms of dizziness, disorientation, and headaches.

Within 3 to 4 hours at most, these symptoms would always disperse though. Ironically, I find that my benzodiazepine Rx can help with this as well, but that's just me.

Why does this happen at all? I don't know, however, it may have to do with increased levels of serotonin in their respective synapses.

Another effect of this in my case was a near-constant, lingering craving for sweets.

 

[me2point0]

It's funny how little things keep me going and you guys shouldn't expect to get perfect overnight as you will give up fast.

Today I was going to my business class and I remembered the class number and I only looked at it once last week. A four digit number and a letter. Seems retarded but I wasnt able to use my memory for the past months and this means ill be able to go through school.

I might not be able to snowboard as good as I was, I get I wont be launching doubles this year. I guess I cant do some things as good as before, but I can be a successfull kid and that just made the whole comedown acceptable. Cheers!

Better than yestersay, worse than tomorrow, but sur as gell not giving up today.

 

[Deltronpedro]

Day 10 on Valdoxan:
Yesterday was absolutely hell like, had so crazy and absurd thoughts all the time and I didnt felt like my self. Im just praying this comes from the medication and is a sign of that it will function. Today feels a little bit better allready, dont know if its just a random up and down (as always) or if the pill is working. wish me luck.

 

[PJ2]

Day 10 on Valdoxan:
Yesterday was absolutely hell like, had so crazy and absurd thoughts all the time and I didnt felt like my self. Im just praying this comes from the medication and is a sign of that it will function. Today feels a little bit better allready, dont know if its just a random up and down (as always) or if the pill is working. wish me luck.

Give it at least two weeks. I was sicker for two weeks when I started anti-depressants and then all-of-a-sudden I felt much better.

 

[PJ2]

hello all, it's been a while since I've posted on this forum. wanted to give an update slash see if anyone has experienced what I'm going through. My LTC started on June 23, 2013. Hence, I'm about 14 months in. Past the one year mark. Overall, I've been feeling pretty good for the last six months. At the very least I can say I've reached a point in my recovery where I can experience happiness and don't feel utterly debilitated. For the mast part, things are back to normal with some subtle disturbances and lingering symptoms.

Of course, the first three months were absolute hell as many of you know. After that, I experienced six months in which my symptoms had improved, but were still bad enough to make me constantly wonder whether life was worth living. Since then, I've made some notable progress. The brain fog has diminished greatly. The DP/DR is no longer constant, but does still occur in short lived bouts. It's really on and off at this point. Some weeks go by and I feel normal and full of life. Other days roll around and I get depressed by the lingering effects. I think during recovery it's important to remember how far you've come and how even though the present might seem like a hassle, that's a world away from unlivable. Hence, nothing to do but keep on trekking and hope for a steady improvement.

Things that have helped me:

~Staying off bluelight
~Reading
~Quitting all drugs including weed
~Exercise! Running, lifting, yoga, etc.
~Healthy diet (I'm a vegetarian and also love to cook)
~I've been taking 10mg Lexapro/day since about month 6 which has really helped

Things that might be holding me back:

~As of the last six months, I've returned to social drinking. I am happy that I feel comfortable participating in social drinking, but also wonder if putting alcohol in my body is only delaying a full recovery
~Cigarette smoking. I'm not actually a chronic cigarette smoker, but I am a social smoker, and often smoke when I drink on weekends. Perhaps ridding myself of nicotine would be another step in the right direction
~Coffee consumption. I absolutely LOVE coffee. When I first began the road to recovery, I went cold turkey. About six months in, I started drinking decaf. Today, I have about a cup a day. It does seem to exacerbate my DP/DR symptoms, but I decided that the enjoyment I get out of my morning cup of joy is worth it. But I'd probably be better off sticking to decaf.

Remaining symptoms:

~Floaters! I hate these things, but I can say that my attitude towards them has much improved. I hope they go away, but I can also live with them.
~Sensitivity to light. I can barely go outside without sunglasses
~Some DP/DR associated symptoms such as problems looking at my own reflection
~Perhaps my least favorite symptom of all, I DESPISE the sound of my own voice. Sometimes I'll be mid conversation and just stop talking because my own voice will sound so weird to me! So frustrating. I wonder if there are exercises I could do to somehow connect me or accustom me to the sound of my voice.

Anyways, the conclusion of the story is that after 14 MONTHS OF LTC, I'm still FIGHTING. I've improved so much since day one and am very happy with my progress and very proud of how far I've come. That said, I wanted to reach out and see if anyone has any experience with what I hope to be the final stretch of my LTC. I know it's not wise to put an end date on the calendar, but I can't help but feel that I should be approaching some sort of climax to this horrible experience. On the one hand I feel that I have come so far, and on the other hand I feel "stuck" in this last phase in which I still suffer from less exacerbated symptoms of more of the same. Anyone else have any experience or knowledge about this final stretch?

Much love y'all.

Hang in there. I'd imagine you have to be near the end, but the drinking, caffeine, and nicotine are certainly not going to speed up any recovery. The fact that you feel good enough to even try them is a good sign though.

By the way, I think DP/DR is what is causing the hatred of the sound of your voice. That symptom for me is completely gone and has been for some time, but when I had it initially I felt the same way. I felt so detached from myself that when I talked it felt like another person was speaking and my voice actually kind of scared me. There was a time when I actually avoided speaking as much as possible because of it.

 

[pmz]

hello all, it's been a while since I've posted on this forum. wanted to give an update slash see if anyone has experienced what I'm going through. My LTC started on June 23, 2013. Hence, I'm about 14 months in. Past the one year mark. Overall, I've been feeling pretty good for the last six months. At the very least I can say I've reached a point in my recovery where I can experience happiness and don't feel utterly debilitated. For the mast part, things are back to normal with some subtle disturbances and lingering symptoms.

Of course, the first three months were absolute hell as many of you know. After that, I experienced six months in which my symptoms had improved, but were still bad enough to make me constantly wonder whether life was worth living. Since then, I've made some notable progress. The brain fog has diminished greatly. The DP/DR is no longer constant, but does still occur in short lived bouts. It's really on and off at this point. Some weeks go by and I feel normal and full of life. Other days roll around and I get depressed by the lingering effects. I think during recovery it's important to remember how far you've come and how even though the present might seem like a hassle, that's a world away from unlivable. Hence, nothing to do but keep on trekking and hope for a steady improvement.

Things that have helped me:

~Staying off bluelight
~Reading
~Quitting all drugs including weed
~Exercise! Running, lifting, yoga, etc.
~Healthy diet (I'm a vegetarian and also love to cook)
~I've been taking 10mg Lexapro/day since about month 6 which has really helped

Things that might be holding me back:

~As of the last six months, I've returned to social drinking. I am happy that I feel comfortable participating in social drinking, but also wonder if putting alcohol in my body is only delaying a full recovery
~Cigarette smoking. I'm not actually a chronic cigarette smoker, but I am a social smoker, and often smoke when I drink on weekends. Perhaps ridding myself of nicotine would be another step in the right direction
~Coffee consumption. I absolutely LOVE coffee. When I first began the road to recovery, I went cold turkey. About six months in, I started drinking decaf. Today, I have about a cup a day. It does seem to exacerbate my DP/DR symptoms, but I decided that the enjoyment I get out of my morning cup of joy is worth it. But I'd probably be better off sticking to decaf.

Remaining symptoms:

~Floaters! I hate these things, but I can say that my attitude towards them has much improved. I hope they go away, but I can also live with them.
~Sensitivity to light. I can barely go outside without sunglasses
~Some DP/DR associated symptoms such as problems looking at my own reflection
~Perhaps my least favorite symptom of all, I DESPISE the sound of my own voice. Sometimes I'll be mid conversation and just stop talking because my own voice will sound so weird to me! So frustrating. I wonder if there are exercises I could do to somehow connect me or accustom me to the sound of my voice.

Anyways, the conclusion of the story is that after 14 MONTHS OF LTC, I'm still FIGHTING. I've improved so much since day one and am very happy with my progress and very proud of how far I've come. That said, I wanted to reach out and see if anyone has any experience with what I hope to be the final stretch of my LTC. I know it's not wise to put an end date on the calendar, but I can't help but feel that I should be approaching some sort of climax to this horrible experience. On the one hand I feel that I have come so far, and on the other hand I feel "stuck" in this last phase in which I still suffer from less exacerbated symptoms of more of the same. Anyone else have any experience or knowledge about this final stretch?

Much love y'all.

Dude, I can relate to this so much. I'm about 18 months now. Still have much of what you describe. 2 things that really bother me is the brain fog and emotionally blunted feeling. But it's been way better than what it was even 6 months ago. How is your sleep? Mine kinda sucks lately. When you say DP/DR, does that refer to a bit of emotional disassociation? Just Just feeling disconnected? Mine is both. Its getting better. Just taking wayyyyyy long to improve. I kind of feel a bit stuck in this phase my self. But something has to push through eventually.

I can relate to the weird voice thing. My vision is still static as well. I also have a tingling feeling In my tongue that comes and goes. Its frustrating. But improving.
I have been social drinking this past week, that I'm gonna stop doing. And I even smoked pot a few times last week which I will not be doing again anytime soon. Though I was surprisingly able to enjoy it more than I expected. I don't do it again soon. I'm gonna do my best to read and work out and sleep as much as I can as it's been a busy month for me so Im shifting my pace to slow it down a bit. Don't know why things are taking so long for us but gotta keep busy and move on. Evntually it will settle

 

[herenow14]

Dude, I can relate to this so much. I'm about 18 months now. Still have much of what you describe. 2 things that really bother me is the brain fog and emotionally blunted feeling. But it's been way better than what it was even 6 months ago. How is your sleep? Mine kinda sucks lately. When you say DP/DR, does that refer to a bit of emotional disassociation? Just Just feeling disconnected? Mine is both. Its getting better. Just taking wayyyyyy long to improve. I kind of feel a bit stuck in this phase my self. But something has to push through eventually.

I can relate to the weird voice thing. My vision is still static as well. I also have a tingling feeling In my tongue that comes and goes. Its frustrating. But improving.
I have been social drinking this past week, that I'm gonna stop doing. And I even smoked pot a few times last week which I will not be doing again anytime soon. Though I was surprisingly able to enjoy it more than I expected. I don't do it again soon. I'm gonna do my best to read and work out and sleep as much as I can as it's been a busy month for me so Im shifting my pace to slow it down a bit. Don't know why things are taking so long for us but gotta keep busy and move on. Evntually it will settle

YOyoyo, yeah man, it's hard to describe the DP/DR. not even sure what that means anymore. I just use it as a general term to describe the weirdness I feel from time to time. Mostly I'd say I feel like everything is just a tad askew. I'm flustered by existential thoughts e.g. "what does everyone else spend their time thinking about?" "what's the best way to spend my time?" "am I happy now?" "what about now?" I have to admit a lot of my anxieties are related to my career path/future, so I'm often inadvertently using my LTC as a scapegoat for anxieties that I had even before this thing started. One thing that's helped me is putting into perspective the person I was before this happened. That can be a really hard thing to do sometimes, but I sometimes feel like I'm stuck in this notion that I'll someday emerge from this struggle as some sort of newborn superman. that will never be the case. we all have good days and bad days. I was a very anxious person since birth, so waiting for some confident individual to blossom from this chaotic mind state is just setting illogical goals.

sorry. that whole paragraph probably sounded like an existential rant. hard to put what i'm feeling into words. I do believe that so many months later, what we're experiencing has very little to do with drugs, MDMA, one night of silly partying. I think it's a deeper issue in our psyche. that said, i think it's also important to not dwell on the mechanics of our psyche and try to refrain from existential/anxious thought loops. The cyclic thoughts are the biggest problem for sure. If we can just break the cycle, I think the symptoms would diminish at an exponential rate. For instance, this is really my first time on BL in so long. The second I came back, I started wondering if I was brain dead when it took me 8 months just to realize this was a fallacy.

Keep fighting the good fight and keep me posted!

 

[me2point0]

Hi guys, this is one of my last worries. Never thought I would actually post about this but lets go:

Eye floaters, they are becoming more clumpy and grey very apparent during daytime. My eyes seem very sensitive and want to close more often on themselves. is this a sign of ocular pressure or something? should I see medical advice?

Any experience with eye floaters dissapearing, literally?

 

[Dawglaw]

I was in the middle of law school when my LTC struck. I think it was a bit of a mental breakdown of sorts for me. I had a incredible amount of stress and pressure in my personal and professional life that shattered when I was reckless with powerful drugs.

Try to treat your overall well being instead of focusing solely on the LTC symptoms. Otherwise stay strong and ride it out. Everyones mental health is unique. Staying mentally strong and optimistic will help you feel better.

 

[thejibberman]

Hi guys, this is one of my last worries. Never thought I would actually post about this but lets go:

Eye floaters, they are becoming more clumpy and grey very apparent during daytime. My eyes seem very sensitive and want to close more often on themselves. is this a sign of ocular pressure or something? should I see medical advice?

Any experience with eye floaters dissapearing, literally?

Literally the exact same with me.

 

[pmz]

Hi guys, this is one of my last worries. Never thought I would actually post about this but lets go:

Eye floaters, they are becoming more clumpy and grey very apparent during daytime. My eyes seem very sensitive and want to close more often on themselves. is this a sign of ocular pressure or something? should I see medical advice?

Any experience with eye floaters dissapearing, literally?

This seems to be a symptom of non drug induced depersonilization. So it's hard to say. Could be like visual snow as I don't have floaters. But have the snow. And the interesting thing. Is all that we experience the same thing guys on dpselfhelp.com who have non dug induced dp all have the exact symptoms we do from Molly. Makes you wonder.

 

[PJ2]

Strange. Of all the very similar symptoms that we've all had at one point or another, the eye floater/visual snow thing I never got. Do you guys see this as your trying to fall asleep on your eyelids like trying to sleep while tripping or is it in your regular vision?

 

[thejibberman]

Strange. Of all the very similar symptoms that we've all had at one point or another, the eye floater/visual snow thing I never got. Do you guys see this as your trying to fall asleep on your eyelids like trying to sleep while tripping or is it in your regular vision?

Regular vision, all day. It's bit of a bummer to say the least. I can't understand where it came from or how it would have developed.

 

[me2point0]

I bought eye lubricant and will be pouring 2 drops per eye, twice a day and see how my floaters and eye pain/discomfort/closing goes.

 

[ScaredFirstTimer]

Well there is a relatively simple explanation for this, actually it's the same as for most of our symptoms. Considering the eye floaters, they have always been there. Your brain has filtered them out as there is no need for you to notice them. Now, because of the loss of inhibitory neurotransmission due to brain damage, your brain is unable to filter them out. In time this function may recover, until then it's best to try to forget about them. I still have plenty of floaters, but I might not notice them for days on end. If I try to check whether they are there, I notice them. I never check anymore though, so about 90% of the time it's not an issue for me. Only time it can be annoying is when reading. Maybe it impairs my reading speed by like 1%.

Obviously I'm not absolutely sure that this is the correct explanation for this particular symptom, but I think it's the best we've got atm.

 

[thejibberman]

Well there is a relatively simple explanation for this, actually it's the same as for most of our symptoms. Considering the eye floaters, they have always been there. Your brain has filtered them out as there is no need for you to notice them. Now, because of the loss of inhibitory neurotransmission due to brain damage, your brain is unable to filter them out. In time this function may recover, until then it's best to try to forget about them. I still have plenty of floaters, but I might not notice them for days on end. If I try to check whether they are there, I notice them. I never check anymore though, so about 90% of the time it's not an issue for me. Only time it can be annoying is when reading. Maybe it impairs my reading speed by like 1%.

Obviously I'm not absolutely sure that this is the correct explanation for this particular symptom, but I think it's the best we've got atm.

I explore some anxiety forums, and a lot of members say they get eye floaters before/after a meltdown and that AD's really work on letting the brain chill out. So it's a possible solution. Now I'm 6 months in with still improvement and things, I think I may still take the dive to anti-depressants sooner or later.

 

[me2point0]

Even if i have major brain damage or whatever i dont even care. The face that I dont have some fucking retinal detachment really calms me down ahahahaha. i can deal with this shit. If it got worse, it means it can get better :D