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June Getting and/or Staying Sober Thread

^ I understand that feeling. When you've gotten high for so long, even though you don't want to do it anymore, sober life can feel so... empty at first. That's how I felt/feel, anyway. It's like I'm realizing just how much heroin made everything "seem okay". You know... like, if I was seeing a guy, and I didn't get to see him quite enough, and the whole relationship just wasn't quite enough... but he was pretty cool in a lot of ways.. heroin filled in the gaps, and let me believe I was happy. When I felt alone or like "this isn't working as well as I'd like", I just got high, and papered over those bad feelings. And that's how I maintained. And now that I'm sober theres nothing to paper over anything with. All the cracks and holes are showing, and sometimes I just feel like I'm going to fall into one.

But I try to take it as a blessing. It's reality, showing me where there's holes in my life that I need to work on. Doing dope was just lying to myself that I was happy when I wasn't, I was just high and that covered up the problem, but I still felt it. You can't stay high 24-7, there'd always be times when I was sober and reality would attempt to intrude - and then I'd grab more dope.

You just have to realize all this, and remake your life into something that makes you happy. Fill the holes, so you're not tempted to paper over them with dope.

Today's my first day on 24 after 3 days on 25. I feel exactly the same, didn't notice a difference. Three more days on 24 and I go to 23. Hopefully this taper will be better than the last.
 
Drunk and fiending for cocaine or meth right now. But I won't give into temptation because a) I will regret it tomorrow and b) I deleted all my dealers numbers except for a friend who deals but I don't want it enough to call him. But man I do want it. But I won't . No.

Edit: I'm so weak lol. Of course I text my coke dealer friend ( more like a friend that occasionally sells coke ) . Thank god he didn't respond. But
I did delay texting him till almost 1 am which is a time I knew he was NOT likely to respond back. At 11pm I was fiending but kept pushing that urge away even tho I really wanted a fucking line. So maybe I was psychologically not trying to grab ? I don't know, but whatever, fuck all stims I'm going to sleep.
 
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Back after a few days ban, just want to say big up to everyone getting their life back on the road to recovery after substance abuse issues.
 
Psychlone Jack said:
During my most recent relapse, after nine months clean, I lost my job and house... again. All in a matter of two weeks. Anyway, back in a halfway house again, looking for work.

Seven days clean, still in that "what the fuck happened?" phase.

I'm fucking sick of this shit. I lost the desire to get high a long time ago, I just don't know how NOT to get high.
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Sorry to hear that. I feel like you and I have struggled with this shit for two long. I very much recognize your name (though I do not come around like I used to). I will keep you and everyone here in my prayers and intentions.

51 days today for me. Have to go to work, then a meeting. Waking up and going to a 10:00 AM meeting, going home for a wedding (don't worry, I am driving my own car and people there know what is up) and then visiting home for a day or so.
 
pbuilder said:
Drunk and fiending for cocaine or meth right now. But I won't give into temptation because a) I will regret it tomorrow and b) I deleted all my dealers numbers except for a friend who deals but I don't want it enough to call him. But man I do want it. But I won't . No.

Edit: I'm so weak lol. Of course I text my coke dealer friend ( more like a friend that occasionally sells coke ) . Thank god he didn't respond. But
I did delay texting him till almost 1 am which is a time I knew he was NOT likely to respond back. At 11pm I was fiending but kept pushing that urge away even tho I really wanted a fucking line. So maybe I was psychologically not trying to grab ? I don't know, but whatever, fuck all stims I'm going to sleep.
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Getting drunk always made me really weak when it came to other substances. Then I would end up going on a huge binge with them. Sometimes I would even tell myself "well I can use this and stop drinking for a few days" that never happened... 8)

Grateful to be clean today.
 
phactor said:
Getting drunk always made me really weak when it came to other substances. Then I would end up going on a huge binge with them. Sometimes I would even tell myself "well I can use this and stop drinking for a few days" that never happened... 8)

Grateful to be clean today.
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Yes, sir. This is true for me, too. Especially getting drunk in the company of other old friends. It's been a rough week! An old friend is staying at my place at the moment, and we've both had a heavy week of binging. We're ready to hit the gym, swear off chems, and get healthy. Perfect timing.
 
Hey guys. Hope all are well. Had a very intense week of meditation/nature of mind teachings and instruction. Been hella busy. I'll be back on a more relaxed schedule here now for about a month until the next seminar.

Still sober but actually almost drank the other day. Everyone was drinking wine at dinner one night and I came really close to rationalizing it, enddd up going back to my tent and chilling alone for a bit instead but it was close. I haven't been to a meeting in almost 3 weeks cause I'm in the middle of nowhere. Focusing on Buddhism/spirituality helps a bit but I definitely need to not forget where I come from while I'm Here.....
 
Had a really strong craving for dope earlier tonight... I haven't wanted it, really wanted it, in a while. Today was actually a great day, I spent time with my man and was really happy, but like 30 mins before I left his house this craving just smacked me in the face. One of those strong ones that almost has you convinced it's ok to use. It faded as I drove home though, and it's mostly gone now.

Its weird- yes I crave when I'm sad sometimes, but sometimes being really happy will make me crave like a mofo. I don't know why - you'd think I'd be happy just to be happy.
 
BlueSaffron said:
Its weird- yes I crave when I'm sad sometimes, but sometimes being really happy will make me crave like a mofo. I don't know why - you'd think I'd be happy just to be happy.
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I crave sometimes because I am a drug addict, even though I do not use. For me, I need to remind myself that it is going to happen and cravings do not make me a bad person, just a recovering addict. What isn't okay for me is to act on them and use over them. Or act out on them in another way (gamble for escape, go on a spending spree etc etc)
 
@captain.heroin amazing! I'm sort you've had hard days but you don't know how numbers that high are crazy awesome to see for me. If only...
It's only be a few days since I fucked up and it was humiliating when I actually started feeling like shit from it a day later in front of someone that has to be clean... He bought me a giant bottle of lope I felt pitiful. Anyway,
@bluesaffron: I was clean for years and years and right when everything seemed perfect I got back on dope. Happiness as a trigger seems counterintuitive but it's my strongest. I get it and good for you for working through it!! Glad the taper is going well.

So, I'm at that point where everything is crashing down from all the crap I never took care of when I was high. People want to help me but I'm in a shit hole. The anxiety is awful... Everything is so messed up. Awful. But I'm clean. Drinking and smoking like a chimney but so squeaky clean it hurts.
 
southeast said:
@captain.heroin amazing! I'm sort you've had hard days but you don't know how numbers that high are crazy awesome to see for me. If only...
It's only be a few days since I fucked up and it was humiliating when I actually started feeling like shit from it a day later in front of someone that has to be clean... He bought me a giant bottle of lope I felt pitiful. Anyway,
@bluesaffron: I was clean for years and years and right when everything seemed perfect I got back on dope. Happiness as a trigger seems counterintuitive but it's my strongest. I get it and good for you for working through it!! Glad the taper is going well.

So, I'm at that point where everything is crashing down from all the crap I never took care of when I was high. People want to help me but I'm in a shit hole. The anxiety is awful... Everything is so messed up. Awful. But I'm clean. Drinking and smoking like a chimney but so squeaky clean it hurts.
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Don't be too hard on yourself, mate. I'm right there with you. It was almost 23 days clean and i was at a connections house (he is also trying to stay clean). Well no sooner does his phone go off and i find myself in the car going to score. I feel like shit too but the cravings were so powerful. It was all i could think about for 2 days. I know there will be some wds again. Maybe not as severe, but they will hit me.

If quitting was easy, everyone would do it. That is not an excuse to use either but these opiates are a super bitch and even though we want to quit them, they won't quit us.

Anyway, i know you can do it. Anytime you feel the urge or get cravings, come here. The one thing i learned about cravings is once you talk about them with someone that understands, they do subside.... Maybe not 100% but they do lose their power.

Good luck and I'm pulling for you.
 
southeast said:
@captain.heroin amazing! I'm sort you've had hard days but you don't know how numbers that high are crazy awesome to see for me. If only...
It's only be a few days since I fucked up and it was humiliating when I actually started feeling like shit from it a day later in front of someone that has to be clean... He bought me a giant bottle of lope I felt pitiful. Anyway,
@bluesaffron: I was clean for years and years and right when everything seemed perfect I got back on dope. Happiness as a trigger seems counterintuitive but it's my strongest. I get it and good for you for working through it!! Glad the taper is going well.

So, I'm at that point where everything is crashing down from all the crap I never took care of when I was high. People want to help me but I'm in a shit hole. The anxiety is awful... Everything is so messed up. Awful. But I'm clean. Drinking and smoking like a chimney but so squeaky clean it hurts.
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The alcohol likely isn't helping with the anxiety, do you think you can maybe have one or two less drinks then you have been? I remember this making a pretty big difference when in WD. I used to drink like a fish in withdrawal.

53 days today! Went to a great meeting yesterday that was very much in the Hood. Love those meetings as everyone keeps shit so real and raw. Also, there was a gay guy (and white) who admitted he was a little nervous being there. EVERYONE made sure to let him know how welcome he was and that he could come back any time. Not sure if you could see that anywhere else. This was a mens meeting (but one women showed up and she identified big time). Awesome stuff.
 
@chemical360 thank you! You're right, and I've been doing okay... For the most part I know that spending any money on pills or dope would make all my other problems 100x worse. Seriously, thanks.
@phactor: I know what you're talking about I def avoid alcohol is that bad part or even for the week after that but I drink all day instead of getting drunk all at once if that makes any sense. I used to really have an alcohol problem and I hate the feeling of being drunk so the second I feel more than a buzz I stop plus I drink a bunch of water... It could be though, ill def cut down and see. I usually would have already started drinking but I haven't so I'm trying I don't want to be replacing one problem with another. It doesn't ease my anxiety so much as I'm not thinking about it if that makes sense? Anyway, thanks so much guys. And I'm here for y'all! Congrats on 53 days, that's crazy to me!!
Today, ill have money... Like a shit ton in a few hours but I have a lot to pay for so I think it actually won't be a problem this time. Wish me luck! Everyone stay strong!
 
I'm kind of all at sea about what to do with my future regarding drug and alcohol use. Realistically I know I need to cut everything except maybe a few beers or a spliff out but I think there's also a fair amount of chance I'm in denial and need to be teetoal really. Fuck knows, I can see things getting difficult when I actually get to the end of my benzo taper though and everything becomes more real.

Very confusing state of mind to be in. The naltrexone is making it very difficult to drink much even if I want to though (which I haven't anyway), question is what the fuck else is it doing? No one knows really.

I don't know what to do really, I don't want to have to become 100% abstinent but I'm well aware I might be in denial.

GAAHHHHH!!!
 
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