MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support)

[Jiraiya]

Hello Jiraiya,

That is fantastic news! And although we may not know each other, I'm sincerely so happy for you! It fills me with joy to hear that in nine months time, you've gone from someone who was clearly suffering big time, back to nearly your old self. It's just great to read other BLer's success stories, especially when it deals with something which I was struggling with. And I too wanted to die at first because I was worried this would never end. Good thing to both of us that we didn't go through with it.

As far as you not touching MDMA anymore goes - It's probably for the best, as we all respond to psychotropic drugs differently.

One of my really good buddies nearly choked to death the first time he ever tried (smoked) weed. And afterwards, he began throwing up, after which, he passed out for a few hours. We were really worried. Thankfully, he recovered. But it just goes to show you that even weed isn't for everyone. Ironically, this guy smokes tobacco like a chimney, and can handle more booze than anyone in our group, which is quite an accomplishment.

The same thing goes within my circle of friends and acquaintances. Some of us use MDMA/MDA to party, opioids to chill, weed to sleep. Others use booze to party, weed to chill, and opioids to sleep. Then a couple of us prefer to use coke+beer or amphetamines (but not meth) to party, weed to chill, opioids to sleep. It goes to show you how different we all are with respect or our drugs of choice. Other than that, we love doing the same stuff, which is what brings us together. One friend of mine uses LOTS of weed to rave - I know it's weird, as personally, I would looking at people how they're dancing and laughing my ass off, while hungry as hell. Another uses opioids to party (I would be nodding away).

Anyways, again, it's really good to hear that you're 90%+ recovered. Way to go!

I'll drink to that, cheers (as you can probably tell, I love success stories)

Thanks dude! I love reading success stories too. Although I don't the anyone on this forum personally, I still feel like there is a great bond between the members here. I guess it's because we've all gone through the same shit and can relate to and understand each other. It's something you can't really find outside of this forum, unless you have met someone in person who has gone through the same thing.

 

[ro4eva]

ro4eva,

Am I correct in that you continue to roll or have rolled since your "bad" pill experience?

Correct.

I've rolled about 10 times since recovering. So, 10 times in the past 7 years or so.

Edit - I should add that I'm extremely picky since becoming ill from the "bad" pill, when it comes to rolling. For example, I don't bother with pills anymore - only high purity shards. And even then, I test everything meticulously before consuming it. Also, I only do it rarely now.

 

[happy_dude]

Hello everyone,

I have signed up because I wanted to tell people that are going through MDMA-related trauma that there is hope. About 9 years ago I went through a situation many of you are facing: "oh my god, what have I done to my head", "will I be normal again" and similar thoughts.

I had the mental anxiety and the visual HPPD stuff that really, really scared the life out of me. Now I am back to normal. In fact, since my trauma I have taught myself computer programming and become a software developer. My life is as good as it has ever been.

Sitting here I'm really tempted to go into all the details, but this would be a huge post that no-one would read. So here is the best advice I can give. Feel free to challenge me on anything:

- Quit weed and all other drugs. Avoid alcohol as much as possible. This was the most important thing for me
- Ditch all your drug-taking friends and get as far away from your old habbits as possible - very, very, very hard for me to do
- Go to the gym or exercise
- Keep telling yourself it is not permanent damage, but accept life is going to be difficult for a while
- Find some comfort - friends, family, children or even online people and forums

Not sure what caused my problems. I used to take pills every weekend or so and one time I just woke up the next day and boom my head was mashed.

I really hope this makes a difference to someone. Believe me, people recover from what you are going through even though it feels like it's game over. Life can be good again, I promise.

 

[Delfin]

Hi Happy-dude and welcome to Bluelight
If there is one thing that we who are currently suffering from a MDMA comedown loves, is when someone like you contribute with such a story.
If you feel tempted to go into all the details, please do! it's not true that no one would read it, quite the opposite in fact.
I'm very curios to hear more about your drug experience prior to your comedown, and also for how long you were 'down'

Anyways! great to hear that you are enjoying life again, it brings so much hope for me and others in this shitty situation

 

[happy_dude]

Ok, I'll start with the worst part. I was down for about 2 - 3 years. But I made it worse for myself because I continually smoked weed and occasionally took coke and alcohol. I just want to stress more than anything - I thought I was a gonner. I thought my brain was damaged. I thought it was game over. But it's not and I'm back. In fact, it feels a very distant memory and I rarely think about it.

I Made It Worse For Myself By Doing Drugs
First I want to talk about my biggest challenge. I kept doing things that made it worse. Even though I had smashed my mind I just couldn't let go of old habits. I still spent time with the same group of weed-smoking friends. I still wanted to go clubbing and occasionally I took more pills which just reset me back to square 1.

I tried to live the live I used to live, but I was just making everything worse for myself. I couldn't let go of the weed, clubbing and drugs. That's who I was, that was all I ever wanted to do.

I fully believe that if you want to recover as soon as possible you have to let go. Quit the weed, quit the other drugs, don't even go to clubs any more and avoid friends who will put you in situations that will even tempt you. I failed at all of this for a long time.

The Problems Came from Nowhere After a Normal Night of Clubbing
After rolling on new years and having an amazing time I took no pills for 3 months. The I went out clubbing and had a few great pills which left an amazing afterglow for two weeks. Life felt utterly amazing and everyone seemed to love me. I had to get the afterglow back...

Unfortunately the next time I rolled my life changed in a big way. It was just a normal night; I picked up a few pills from a friend, went to a club, smoked some weed at a friend's after then went home to bed. I can't quite remember exactly, but I think I went to sleep and woke up in hell from my first awakening thought.

One thing that happened a few months before was that I took some LSD and had a bad trip. That time I thought I fucked my head, but was fine after a couple of days.

It Was Like Living a Nightmare, and I Never, Ever Thought I Would Be Normal Again
That morning when I woke in my bed, life wasn't the same. I wasn't hallucinating, but I was having very strange thoughts in my head. It felt like I was in a distant evil universe. I saw weird things in my mind and heard weird noises. These thoughts were horrible, dreadful, and then I began to realise that "my head is fucked", "how can I cope with life" etc. I felt like I was in a mental wasteland with these weird creatures. At the same time I could see out of my eyes that I was in my bedroom and everything appeared to be normal.

I don't remember what happened that day, but I remember the next day at work. People's faces looked weird - wooden almost. I was in an office talking to a manager and it looked like the cars parked out the window were alive. Their lights were like faces and they had an evil aura about them.

Those thoughts of "my head is fucked", "game over" never went away. I was thinking about them all the time every day. Even when I was watching TV or talking to people they always came back.

HPPD symptoms were present as well. Everything just looked weird and I used to shadows on objects - even the lights on the ceiling scared me. I think this made the anxiety worse because it made me feel more like my brain was fried. I once saw a floating letter M as I lay on my sofa talking to my family. I used to see puddles on the floor and think they were a mile deep. I used to see blue dots in the pitch black.

The Horror Peaked After a Couple of Weeks
The absolute worst of my symptoms were those where I questioned who I was. Nothing felt right. I believe this is ego-loss and yeah I had definitely had that severely. I just felt empty and wanted to cry all the time. I came close to asking for mental help on a number of occasions, but thought I would be locked up.

Another of my worst symptoms were the nightmares and evil thoughts I got. I used to wake up in the night and it felt like my cupboard was alive. I woke up sweating, scared to death because of horrible nightmares. But waking up I was still just as scared. I think I even had auditory hallucinations when awaking in the middle of the night hearing scary animal noises.

For me these symptoms were worse at night because night time is just scarier. However, the worst of these utterly, utterly devastating symptoms appeared to go away 2 weeks after rolling. Any time I rolled they came back for two weeks. The symptoms were still very bad, but the nightmares and horror seemed to peak after 2 weeks.

After the two weeks it felt like very slight improvements week on week. But any time I did weed I was basically tripping and head-fucked. I just could not stop doing it.

I Fell Out With My Friends and Family... That Saved Me
Because of my symptoms I was a weird, anxious person. I wasn't normal and I used to say really weird things and do stupid things. One day I annoyed some people who were part of my group of friends and I got absolutely smashed in. Knocked out cold and put in hospital.

These people weren't nice and I was taking one of them to court. I could no longer hang around with my friends and I had to move back home with my family. This was great because I couldn't smoke weed and was the first step to improving my symptoms. Going to the gym and getting a regular endorphine rush was the next that helped. I used to feel almost normal after a hard weights session.

But I soon fell out with my family because of my symptoms and moved to my own place. This is about 2 years after that devastating roll.

Once on my own I was able to deal with things much better. Just me in my flat. Life wasn't great, and I yearned for my old life of clubs and drugs, but I couldn't do that because I had no friends now.

It was living on my own, though, that really helped me to get things together. Apart from going to work I just spent time on my own which gave me few things to worry about. I started to get my confidence back and not be scared of going in public places (except to avoid those people who would probably smash me in again).

With the combination of no drugs, no friends and no family, I could clearly see that I was getting back to normal and it felt good. Just being on my own was so important, because I had to keep things together. I had nowhere to go and I would be on the streets if I messed up.

I'm not suggesting you should live alone. If your friends and family are supportive and helpful great. But if your friends are a bad crowd, and your family just make things worse, then you have a decision to make.

I Now Have a Great Job and I'm in Love
Living on my own got a bit worrying. If I lost my job what would I do? So I spent all my spare time learning computer programming which is now my job. What's more, I absolutely loved it. Learning about things felt so amazing again. I discovered the joy of knowledge. I read lots of books.

One painfful thought I had when my symptoms were bad was "I wish I could just be normal and feel normal things. Have a girlfriend and enjoy life. But instead my head is messed up and I can see the world for what it really is". Right now I am there. I live with my girlfriend and we argue over trivial things like who is going to turn the light off before we go to bed at night.

I made it and you can, too.

 

[happy_dude]

Would I Take MDMA Again?
I think about it now and then, that's why I came to these forums. I came here looking to read stories about others so I can arouse those old feelings.

To be honest, though, I don't think I would risk it. It's a long way down from where I am now and it was a whole world of pain to get here. Next time I might not be so lucky.

 

[ScaredFirstTimer]

But instead my head is messed up and I can see the world for what it really is

Do you feel as if you are "back in the world" now? Back in to what seemed like an illusion when you thought like that?

 

[happy_dude]

Do you feel as if you are "back in the world" now? Back in to what seemed like an illusion when you thought like that?

Yeah. Everything has completely gone. I'm a very lucky boy. I don't know if I'm the same person but I feel completely normal. All those horrible thoughts and feeings are gone. The HPPD symptoms are gone.

For those first 2 years I thought it was game over. But not at all. I'm fine now.

 

[ScaredFirstTimer]

I have mild HPPD too, and pareidolia (seeing faces in patterns, random things). Also get the blue dots here and there, and some blinking sensations in my peripheral vision. It has improved though. Amazing to hear that the symptoms are gone entirely! Was thinking that I had to live with some of them for the rest of my life. Thanks for sharing your story brah

 

[happy_dude]

I think this thread details more the nightmares and hallucination-type experiences I went through: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/264838-Weird-freaky-nightmares-after-MDMA-use.

I really wish this website was around 9 years ago so I had people to talk to about my problems and to re-assure me that my head wasn't mashed forever.

Anyway, it seems like people are saying the same things about quitting drugs, eating healthy and doing exercise which I also independently found out. So stick to that, find ways to be positive and soon it will be your turn to help re-assure the next group of people that they are going to be fine

If ever I can help just let me know. It is utterly, utterly devastating what this drug can do and I will try my best to help anyone suffering what I went through.

 

[pmz]

I think this thread details more the nightmares and hallucination-type experiences I went through: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/264838-Weird-freaky-nightmares-after-MDMA-use.

I really wish this website was around 9 years ago so I had people to talk to about my problems and to re-assure me that my head wasn't mashed forever.

Anyway, it seems like people are saying the same things about quitting drugs, eating healthy and doing exercise which I also independently found out. So stick to that, find ways to be positive and soon it will be your turn to help re-assure the next group of people that they are going to be fine

If ever I can help just let me know. It is utterly, utterly devastating what this drug can do and I will try my best to help anyone suffering what I went through.

hmm, so how long would you say it took to feel back to your normal self again?

Did you experience brain fog badly? Im sure learning programming during this was challenging?

Did you also experience a lack of stimulation to music? Like no energy from it?

 

[happy_dude]

Hi PMZ,

To be almost fully back to normal, where I could barely notice it and was not thinking about it, it was definitely under 2 years, probably closer to 18 months. Initially I had lots of brain fog, memory problems and irritability. But I kept doing drugs and alcohol so I prolonged it. It could have been much less if I'd shut out the world and lived a boring 6 months, perhaps.

I learned programming +4 years after I had that "bad comedown" or whatever we are calling this. I was normal then. But the point is that you can recover, you can have a good life, and you can even have a better life than before your bad roll.

Back then I was all about the music, and as with everything music was definitely different after the bad experience. But I think I was able to enjoy music within a few months on-and-off depending on what mental state I was in. It definitely seemed flat and empty, though for a long time or no energy as you describe it.

 

[ro4eva]

I really wish this website was around 9 years ago so I had people to talk to about my problems and to re-assure me that my head wasn't mashed forever.

The site was around 9 years ago, but it was bluelight[dot]nu instead of [dot]org.

Almost 9 years ago was when I also got sick. June 7th, 2005 @ around 2:45pm to be exact.

When I got sick, I began posting on here about it, but no one really knew what I was dealing with.

Anyhow, it took about 19 months to recover, and about 8 months later, I rolled for the first time since recovering. Thankfully, I had a great time, and didn't get sick again.

I deserve what I got, because I was extremely reckless - popping ecstasy pills up to three nights in a row every week for years, without testing them.

I refuse to stay away from raves and MDMA. I find the experience incredibly therapeutic. But, now I'm a lot more careful - I always test my shards, and I stay away from pills or powder + I only roll maybe once every 2-3 months. Now it's just straight from the cook, even if it's much more expensive, it's worth it IMO.

 

[happy_dude]

The site was around 9 years ago, but it was bluelight[dot]nu instead of [dot]org.

Almost 9 years ago was when I also got sick. June 7th, 2005 @ around 2:45pm to be exact.

When I got sick, I began posting on here about it, but no one really knew what I was dealing with.

Anyhow, it took about 19 months to recover, and about 8 months later, I rolled for the first time since recovering. Thankfully, I had a great time, and didn't get sick again.

I deserve what I got, because I was extremely reckless - popping ecstasy pills up to three nights in a row every week for years, without testing them.

I refuse to stay away from raves and MDMA. I find the experience incredibly therapeutic. But, now I'm a lot more careful - I always test my shards, and I stay away from pills or powder + I only roll maybe once every 2-3 months. Now it's just straight from the cook, even if it's much more expensive, it's worth it IMO.

Mine was around 9 years ago to the day - sometime in April 2005.

On the way to recovery and for a short while after I did mephedrone, coke and even pills again a few times. There were some negative effects that reminded me of those problems I had before, but nowhere near as severe or long-lasting.

However, being mostly on my own for years sent me a different route in life. I had no friends to go clubbing or take drugs with all the time. I only had some distant friends who I went out with 2 or 3 times a year. Because of this my appetite for drugs and clubbing slowly dissolved and I became more interested in learning things like computers etc.

Nowadays people say I am boring for not wanting to go out or come for drinks after work even though I'm only 28. If only they knew

 

[ro4eva]

Nowadays people say I am boring for not wanting to go out or come for drinks after work even though I'm only 28. If only they knew

Haha, same here. I'm asked constantly whether I wanna go with the crew to a club, bar, strip club, pool, even bowling. At first, I did go a couple of times, but, I quickly noticed that wherever they go, it's all about getting smashed. And when I get drunk, I turn into someone that I don't like: an obsessive-compulsive drug seeker, which is why I stopped drinking.

Anyways, welcome to BL and I'm sincerely glad you're feeling better. Stick around if you can :D

Every success story gives more and more hope to those who are sick, so thank you for sharing

 

[happy_dude]

Haha, same here. I'm asked constantly whether I wanna go with the crew to a club, bar, strip club, pool, even bowling. At first, I did go a couple of times, but, I quickly noticed that wherever they go, it's all about getting smashed. And when I get drunk, I turn into someone that I don't like: an obsessive-compulsive drug seeker, which is why I stopped drinking.

Anyways, welcome to BL and I'm sincerely glad you're feeling better. Stick around if you can :D

Every success story gives more and more hope to those who are sick, so thank you for sharing

No problem. What I went through 9 years ago was worse than any physical pain. A lonely, scary world where I felt my sanity could go at any minute, not knowing if I would ever return to normal.

If I can help anyone through their times of trouble it would make me more than happy

 

[pmz]

Hi PMZ,

To be almost fully back to normal, where I could barely notice it and was not thinking about it, it was definitely under 2 years, probably closer to 18 months. Initially I had lots of brain fog, memory problems and irritability. But I kept doing drugs and alcohol so I prolonged it. It could have been much less if I'd shut out the world and lived a boring 6 months, perhaps.

I learned programming +4 years after I had that "bad comedown" or whatever we are calling this. I was normal then. But the point is that you can recover, you can have a good life, and you can even have a better life than before your bad roll.

Back then I was all about the music, and as with everything music was definitely different after the bad experience. But I think I was able to enjoy music within a few months on-and-off depending on what mental state I was in. It definitely seemed flat and empty, though for a long time or no energy as you describe it.

nice to hear man. Im about a year now actually. I look forward to the 2 year mark.

The brain fog and the music are the 2 things that really bother me now.

It impacts my work as I have to work slower,

And I remember music would be like my metronome for the day. It would amp me up to much. Dubstep and trance would resonate through me. I miss that feeling. I feel like one day the feeling of a build and drop will hit me just as hard at it once did, but until then......

 

[me2point0]

I'm back. I'm 5 weeks in. All started 3 days after my first mdma trip. It was a bad trip obviously, doctors just keep wondering what it could be. I accepted my state (DR/DP dizziness, balance issues, mild headache all the time, head pressure) so I am no longer anxious about the future. I really wonder if its psychological (IE: trauma or anxiety) or if its dammage to my brain dirrectly because of that single use. Also, will I be able ton roll again? The kick I got after the 20 minutes badtrip was priceless!!! Laststly, anyone knows if I can start taking my adhd meds (vyvanse) again, i need them for school but I know they are psychostimulants...

Id really appreciate an answer, thanks in advance.

 

[Delfin]

I'm back. I'm 5 weeks in. All started 3 days after my first mdma trip. It was a bad trip obviously, doctors just keep wondering what it could be. I accepted my state (DR/DP dizziness, balance issues, mild headache all the time, head pressure) so I am no longer anxious about the future. I really wonder if its psychological (IE: trauma or anxiety) or if its dammage to my brain dirrectly because of that single use. Also, will I be able ton roll again? The kick I got after the 20 minutes badtrip was priceless!!! Laststly, anyone knows if I can start taking my adhd meds (vyvanse) again, i need them for school but I know they are psychostimulants...


Id really appreciate an answer, thanks in advance.

Hi man I also got a bad comedown from a single use, and I'm now 3,5 months in. I remember the kick it gave too, and it is definitely something I would love to try again, but I'm probably not going to. If a single dose could do this to me, it probably means that I'm extra sensible to the drug - it's just bad luck I guess, but life is too good to risk it. Promise me you will give it a lot of thoughts if you considering trying it again and make sure to take all the possible precautions if you decide to do it eventually

 

[me2point0]

The capsule was known to be good quality but strong. It traumatized me but I went to the same rave I was went it kicked in last week and I had a very good time, sober. I love the edm scene so much I will think about it alot and make a reasonable decision and if I decide to give it another go, I hope my first experience will not ruin my second one. Talking about the badtrip gives me chills and tremmors.. I just hope I did not dammage my brain from the chemicals...