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Vent/Rant Thread vs I'll tell you how I really feel (Triggering Content)

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I am sorry to hear that, case. I'm in a similar situation regarding a living situation set to terminate soon, and the options from here on being cost-prohibitive. If you lived in the same area as me, I'd go in on a place with ya.

This is a case where I think that your involvement with AA/NA would pay off. Maybe you can bring this up in meetings, or with a sponsor. You have almost a year, I think that people can trust you when helping you with something like this.
 
Thanks evey, allein and red.

Yeah being sober will definitely allow me to even begin to figure it out. It's really not the end of the world just stressful shit that I'd rather not deal with. But I'm an addict,(more then that, a human...) so it's not like there ever will be stressful shit that I want to deal with haha.

I would only want to live with 3 of the guys who live here, there's no way I'm even considering getting a place with any of the others - Which sort of brings up more stress actually because everyone is asking everyone about looking for places together and shit, except for me and 2 of the guys only want to live with each other. I don't have any reason not to want to live with the others besides superficial/personal reasons but it still stands, I won't do it. Anyway, more stress because I don't want to hurt anyones feelings and nor do I want to lie to anyone. But I also don't want to tell somebody I don't want to live with them because they are messy and annoying(in my opinion) when they are genuinely a good person just not someone I want to live with. So this will be a fun situation to navigate for sure...

Going to speak with the two other guys (possibly a third if he wants in) tomorrow, just have a serious discussion about logistics and make sure we are all on the same page and then start looking for a place. As far as I'm concerned whoever can't commit to anything tomorrow is on their own because I'm not waiting around and ending up homeless because someone couldn't commit. So even if none of them can guarantee being in on it I'm starting looking tomorrow, price ranges depending on them I suppose.

Tomorrow? I mean later today. -.- I'm just still awake (at 6am) again. Fuuuuck stress plus insomnia don't mix. :(


@Evey- stay motivated with the working out! Sometimes it takes a couple months of an everyday routine for our bodies to adjust and really start benefiting, so keep at it. I'm sure your metabolism and energy level will pick up soon! And while I've never been a fan of counting calories and would usually suggest it, it might be good to at least calculate a 10-20% calorie deficit and then see how much you eat for one or two days, might shed some light on the situation if you have been on an everyday routine with working out.
 
Allein said:
Wow Case that sounds like a bump in the road that can;t be avoided, I hope you get things sorted out, money worries are a drain.

I would think that being clean is going to help in getting some of these more practical things sorted though, best of luck to you.

Sounds like tough time for you Evel, hope you don't mind me asking but are subs the only meds you're taking ? apart from fatigue and a touch of nausea I haven't really had problems with the opiate pain killers I take but various ADs have caused no end of unwanted side effects.
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Nah not really tough compared with what others are going through. I just needed to write what was going on. I'm on suboxone n citralopram, thought I told you that in PM a while back? I don't think it's the suboxone, I think I'm on the 'menopause,' gna see doctor tomorrow n ask them to do whatever they do to find out if someone is or not lol. Thanks for your response it's very thoughtful.

Case all you're going through n you still think of others - you're a great person.

Could you the salvation Army not help you out? Or did you say you're in university because if so, could they not help you out - even if for a short while, while you sort yourself out. I'm awful sorry I can't help you further. I really don't know the situation in the States apart from a tiny amount about the salvation army. Does anyone have any ideas that could help Case???????

Evey<3
 
RedLeader said:
I just spent an hour filling out an extensive online job application. I then submitted it and the website timed-out. Everything was lost. Did this really just happen? I don't know how much bullshit I can take today before I do something I regret. :(
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Aw hun hugz <3<3
 
Oh no RedLeader :( I'm sorry, that's beyond the point of frustrating.
 
Eveleivibe said:
Case all you're going through n you still think of others - you're a great person. -Ditto Evey <3

Could you the salvation Army not help you out? Or did you say you're in university because if so, could they not help you out - even if for a short while, while you sort yourself out. I'm awful sorry I can't help you further. I really don't know the situation in the States apart from a tiny amount about the salvation army. Does anyone have any ideas that could help Case???????

Evey<3
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I don't really know anything about the salvation army around here other than that they have a rehab occupied mostly by parole'ies. Even if they have some sort of normal shelter i seriously doubt it would be a living situation conducive to being a student in recovery. I'm going to stay calm though. I have a lot on my plate right now, but sometimes I just need to remind myself A) how much more I could have on my plate and B) how much more i HAVE had on my plate in the past, like losing my girlfriend of 4.5 years, my apartment, and basically everything I had in my life all at the same time with a 2 gram a day heroin habit. If I made it through that situation whole then I can surely make it through this situation without any problems. I know I'll figure everything out. I might be getting the money situation dealt with soon, forgot that I'm just waiting for some paperwork to go through after which I won't have to worry about $ for a little bit longer.

Thanks for the support though, much appreciated. I am an addict, after all... My initial reaction to everything remotely negative is usually something like "omg the world has officially ended"... then a day or two later I realize that the world has in fact kept spinning and I just need to "keep calm and get shit done." <3
 
^Great case, I like your fighting spirit Im proud of ya. Yes the world doesn't stop, it keeps going and we always need to be ready for trials that are gonna come our way.

Bein extremely busy is burning me out, so I am going to take tonight off for my self.
 
Eveleivibe said:
Nah not really tough compared with what others are going through. I just needed to write what was going on. I'm on suboxone n citralopram, thought I told you that in PM a while back? I don't think it's the suboxone, I think I'm on the 'menopause,' gna see doctor tomorrow n ask them to do whatever they do to find out if someone is or not lol.
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Sorry, my memory is a flighty beast at best.

I'm highly intolerant of SSRIs, I won't provide a shopping list of the ADs I've tried as it serves no purpose and peoples reactions to them seem so diverse anyway. But SSRIs can cause a whole host of, sometimes extreme side effects, some appear quickly ( Prozac made me violently vomit within a couple of hours of the first tablet, this repeated before I kicked that one into touch as well) some appear only after a long period of use.

That said you know your body better than anyone, hope you feel better soon, I guess at least knowing what's going on is s step forward.

I had to make a doctors appointment yesterday as I have prescription that needs to be 'reviewed', I can't get an appointment with my doctor for 5 weeks:( It's getting ridiculous, the last appointment I had we got interrupted twice by people needing stuff signed, hardly a good environment to discuss mental health issues
 
Allein said:
Sorry, my memory is a flighty beast at best.

I'm highly intolerant of SSRIs, I won't provide a shopping list of the ADs I've tried as it serves no purpose and peoples reactions to them seem so diverse anyway. But SSRIs can cause a whole host of, sometimes extreme side effects, some appear quickly ( Prozac made me violently vomit within a couple of hours of the first tablet, this repeated before I kicked that one into touch as well) some appear only after a long period of use.

That said you know your body better than anyone, hope you feel better soon, I guess at least knowing what's going on is s step forward.

I had to make a doctors appointment yesterday as I have prescription that needs to be 'reviewed', I can't get an appointment with my doctor for 5 weeks:( It's getting ridiculous, the last appointment I had we got interrupted twice by people needing stuff signed, hardly a good environment to discuss mental health issues
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That's ridiculous. Honestly doctor's surgeries are getting worse round here the amount of time you have to wait for an appointment. And that's not on people interrupting your appointment. The NHS has gone to pot since this bloody Tory government have come into power. Don't get me started on those b***** LOL
 
I feel depressed and alone, Fed up with everything. I'm to depressed to work, leave the house or do anything really. No motivation to even make myself food, so the easier option is to starve all day

I wonder if I will ever break the cycle of abuse I go through. When I was younger I wouldn't have ever thought I would have tried the drugs I had. Even two years ago I never thought I would be so desperate and off my head to even consider trying to score smack in the druggiest part of Sydney of a random drug addict. Benzos are a problem aswell, I know that when I take them I'm in for a comedown. It's the same thing every time, extreme depression and lows thinking 'fuck the world' with two fingers raised.

I just don't know. Currently I have a whole bag of IV equipment under my desk like it's normal. The addiction to injecting is taking a hold, and it's very subtle. I guess the way I think of needles and shooting now isn't as bad as it was a month ago through frequent use. I really need to stop it. I can imagine myself becoming full blown in years to come if I don't change what I'm doing.

"The young man on the corner wishes for better days

All he's giving are not wishes but he's living them anyway

Feels like he could get away, as the energy builds up it starts to detonate

Has he met fate? He's not gone yet but hesitates as the fear then resonates

Watch him press play, and see the story that's told

Is so messed in his brain, he feels no story could hold

A true picture of all the torment, that resorts in his core

He's stuck in the past, like it ain't over, it won't ever change if he aint sober

Keeping his eye on the prize, but he can't focus

He blames those who have ever done wrong by him

Cuts all contact and holds a grudge then leaves

No confrontation in the movements He makes

Not even music is his outlet for calling out fakes

One day he knows the drugs are gonna go

Until then he wonders, how longs this gonna go? "
 
You gotta fight it hun there's no other way. I probably shouldn't say much because I have never had depression. I have relapse, felt upset but never had a long term depression where I just didn't want to do anything.

Breaking the cycle will be all up to you. You are aware that if you continued to the path of addiction you will become more depressed, more agitated and will have continuous anxiety. Is this where you really want to go? You are still young, many years ahead of you, when I say this I really mean it! I wish I can go back to my early twenties and did so many things instead of being an alcoholic and taking drugs. I have wasted so much of my time and money on them and in the end they only caused me grief.

The thing with me is, I don't mind being alone, I actually think that it is better sometimes that to hang out with friends who will just get you into active addiction again, and when you are deeper in that addiction, where will they be? Are they going to help you? No, they will think of themselves first before you so you have to take care of yourself, no one will love yourself much more than you.
 
((((Floatingaround)))) I'm so sorry for how you're feeling. I think none of us anticipate how life turns out. It's what we do from here in that matters because the past has gone n there's no way of ever changing it. Have you talked to anyone about your drug use? Like a counsellor? You seemed like you were starting to feel better the other day can I ask if something has happened to bring on this depression? I have heard that people can become addicted to the way of taking the drug almost as much as taking it - so please don't beat yourself up about your feelings about the needle as it's part of your addiction. And the fact that you are here in TDS tells me that you are crying out for some help which is a form of strength.
It's good that you are writing down your feelings n thoughts. Writing can help n give temporary relief.

I wish I could help you in some way or say something which would make you feel better but unfortunately , I can't. You are in my thoughts n I really hope that things get better for you. Here if you ever need to talk or someone to listen to. You will get through this.

Evey xxxx
 
floatingaround said:
I feel depressed and alone, Fed up with everything. I'm to depressed to work, leave the house or do anything really. No motivation to even make myself food, so the easier option is to starve all day

I wonder if I will ever break the cycle of abuse I go through. When I was younger I wouldn't have ever thought I would have tried the drugs I had. Even two years ago I never thought I would be so desperate and off my head to even consider trying to score smack in the druggiest part of Sydney of a random drug addict. Benzos are a problem aswell, I know that when I take them I'm in for a comedown. It's the same thing every time, extreme depression and lows thinking 'fuck the world' with two fingers raised.

I just don't know. Currently I have a whole bag of IV equipment under my desk like it's normal. The addiction to injecting is taking a hold, and it's very subtle. I guess the way I think of needles and shooting now isn't as bad as it was a month ago through frequent use. I really need to stop it. I can imagine myself becoming full blown in years to come if I don't change what I'm doing.

"The young man on the corner wishes for better days

All he's giving are not wishes but he's living them anyway

Feels like he could get away, as the energy builds up it starts to detonate

Has he met fate? He's not gone yet but hesitates as the fear then resonates

Watch him press play, and see the story that's told

Is so messed in his brain, he feels no story could hold

A true picture of all the torment, that resorts in his core

He's stuck in the past, like it ain't over, it won't ever change if he aint sober

Keeping his eye on the prize, but he can't focus

He blames those who have ever done wrong by him

Cuts all contact and holds a grudge then leaves

No confrontation in the movements He makes

Not even music is his outlet for calling out fakes

One day he knows the drugs are gonna go

Until then he wonders, how longs this gonna go? "
Click to expand...

I have recently turned to writing poetry/lyrics as a healthy coping mechanism, if it can be called that. It really seems to help a lot, at least in the moment, it ends up being an emotional release of sorts. I wrote this one recently, I'm guessing yours and mine were inspired by similar feelings

Bad choices get high
nod out with pride
hurt people tell lies
now they’ve all gone, “bye”
gazing at the skies
tears flowing from eyes

not a cat but 9 lives
though everyone of us dies
now finished with that phony guise
i've screwed up what i can’t devise
yet shown myself with no disguise
no longer stuck in my demise

i must admit i’ve gotten wise
maybe self esteem will rise?
life is always a surprise
but i’ve been taught not to surmise
so for my effort whats my prize?

A heaping pile o’ SHIT & FLIES.


This isn't exactly the way I see things 24/7, at least not the last line. But when I wrote this I sure as shit did, and maybe the fact that I wrote this is something thats contributed to me not thinking that way anymore? I dunno. All I know is lately writing = good for my recovery. Point being you should stick with it too. ;)
 
^Will you be willing to move into another state? There's probably more jobs in other states too right? If I was in that situation I will go to another state where there's more job opportunities because at the end of the day, I have to survive :)
 
^Uhm how about a second part time, save up and move to another state?
 
caseface99 said:
^^ There's no other licensed SLE's in Berkeley, there are others in the east bay area but not close enough to my school to get to 8AM class on time without a car.

No idea what I'm going to do. Got a month to figure it out. Well, technically less then a month to figure it out because I need time to move and get everything set up and whatnot too, so I basically have to find somewhere within two weeks. 3 weeks at the absolute most. This is fucked. The owner has "decided its time to move on in his life." If he is shutting it down simply because he feels like it, as a personal choice, and isn't being forced into this, why the FUCK did he only give us 1 months notice????? Seriously, one month?!?!?

Fuck. Alright, I need to not get stressed over this. I got enough shit to stress about. I'll figure this out... I spoke with a couple of the other people who live here who have some clean time, that I trust, discussed possibly finding a place to all throw in and continue our own sober environment together. I really hope that works out, otherwise I don't know what I'll do. The only places I could afford without splitting rent with people will be in shitty/ghetto drug filled neighborhoods, and I don't want temptation outside my front door. :(

I suppose I'll need to start looking tomorrow. My dad also told me via email today that if I don't get a job in the very near future then I'm/he's fucked because he financially can't support me anymore. I knew the financial situation was coming, and thats my fault for not looking harder for a job - but now with the stress of needing to find somewhere to live on top of that... fuck. Not to mention the costs associated with moving... I don't have a car so I don't know how this is all going to work out. I'm having really bad thoughts about how to "deal" with the situation. I know how incredibly stupid acting out on any negative thoughts would be but I really don't like where my mind is going with this. Things were going really fucking well for me here, but now a ton of different aspects of my life are totally changing around and stressing me the hell out.

I'm still adjusting to being single and having nobody else I'm close to that I can talk to anymore, my dad is broke and I have to find a job within the month, I need to find somewhere to live get everything set up and figure out the logistics of moving all my shit within the month, I just started school and have to keep up with my classes during all this, and the last month has already been the most craving intense since I got sober 8.5 months ago and it's already been tough enough stay sober as it is lately,(I haven't really told anyone either) Now all this REALLY isn't going to help. :(
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WOw... I am so sorry to hear of all of this, Case! I don't need to tell you that using will just make this worse! DONT PICK UP, NO MATTER WHAT! Because you know what babe, these problems are LIVING problems! These, while all extremely annoying and hard to deal with, are ones that can be worked out. Here is what we need to do: Make a list of each problem, and tackle them one on one. I am not trying to minimize your problems here, but I am trying to help you realize that they are fixable, and you CAN do it, and most of all, you do NOT need to use over them! It is important that you share. Do you have a sponsor?

Are there any "labor ready " type places in your city?
 
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