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Hello. Heroin is ruining my life, and..I need help

buffalobillygoat said:
You know all that stuff people talk about how 'you've got want to stop', 'it's got to come from you' 'nobody but you can do this' etc. Unfortunately it's all true and however much the people that love you might want to use their strength for your problems it just doesn't work like that. Saying to yourself 'right I'm not going to use because I love her so much and don't want to hurt her, or I need to be strong for her' or something along those lines (whether it's your gf or your mum or whoever) is exactly what you should NOT be doing in terms of motivation.

Somebody in another thread said this, and it couldn't be more true: 'the truth will come out, usually at the worst possible time'. It always does IME.
I'm really not trying to lecture you, and you're right not everybody is the same. But I've ruined relationships with women this way - by keeping it from them, 'using' them in exactly the way you're describing, and it never worked. And they always found out. And then it's never the same again.
Anyway, NSA has provided some absolutely priceless material there for you to start mapping out how you're going to go about this.
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Please stop. Its not my only means to help my recovery. I saw what she went through when her 23 year old brother OD'd on Oxycodone and died. I'd never want to put her through that. Yeah I'm doing it for myself or I wouldn't have made this thread. Its just a plus. Excuse me for being positive and finding more reasons to quit. I've respected all of your advice and took almost all of it into consideration. But I won't sit here and say having the person I love the most in my life around (who doesn't do drugs) isn't going to help me. Because I 100% believe it will. I don't mean to be rude, just trying to make my point.

At this point I still would like to keep my intake to one bag a day until my appointment is made with the Suboxone clinic and I scout for NA meetings.
I've read every single post in this thread, explored every resource you guys have provided so don't think I'm not taking this seriously. On a mental scale I see having my ex around to talk to extremely beneficial.

One question I do have, can I sprinkle my dope onto my green bowl packs?
 
hey.. .. i know this must seem like a lot to take in right now, from your personal feelings/thoughts to all of the advice/support you are receiving here. you really are getting some great ideas/outlets/direction from peoples own experiences and battles with opiate dependency. you know how good it felt to finally tell your mother what was going down.. yeah you were nervous and worried but look how it has turned out in you guys forming a team and making plans together over you just tying to figure this thing out solo. i get and respect your stance on dealing with other people in your life in regards to your addiction, totally a tough vulnerable topic. it is most likely just like with your mother as you honestly open up and expose your pain/concerns the feeling of being ashamed and letting others down they will accept it and want to help you because they love you. from personal relationships to docs to counselors the more they know the more they can help and in return the better you will feel and the more you will be helping yourself!! confronting these uncomfortable situations is only gone to give you strength and more courage to advance in the positive direction you want to go.

keep at the one bag and trying to chip away at it to 3/4 and so on.. staying with sniffing it would be best, imho. (well we know no way would be best) but realistically if your going to be using at this time no needle great progress.. and going back to sniffing is also progress. taking to big of steps if you are not ready can end up holding or setting you back as frustration and depression build in not getting their as fast as you want.

i do not recommend placing your heroin on top of the herb. i would maybe take a puff or three of the herb and try to sniff the least amount of heroin possible and see how you feel. smoking it off foil will hit you harder and quicker but is not going to be absorbed as much nor nearly last as long. you are using powder heroin, no?? cut .15 bags?

to start to think about a recovery plan you can just simply start to write an outline of resources listed through out this thread you want to tap into... personal goals for the next few days to weeks, what ever you feel is best for your head. environmental changes you could see as a positive in improving your life style... simple reasons why you feel the way you do. communication with whom ever you feel can help... it is something that you can continue to build on as you move along.. really powerful material to have and hold for yourself not only along this journey but for in the future. even writing little notes to yourself each day and just slipping them into your pocket can be great personal goals/reminders of your thoughts and feelings as you move along. i still have crunked up notes like this i would wright to myself some of them are on candy wrappers and what not.. i have them with journals from that period of time. so glad i still have them!!

you are really sounding like suboxone is the rout you want to take, is this correct?? do you have any idea of a time frame you are looking in seeing a doc??

as your level is really getting low which is awesome!! and if you decide to not go the suboxone rout do you have any thoughts on how you might want to deal with the acute withdrawal (which would not be sooo bad) and more over PAWS?? some good medications have been mentioned to help by NSA you also have the ativan and ambien which are great aids too! if you decide to go in this direction let us know and we can help you with vitamins/supplements/addition meds that could help and talk to a or your doc about.

hope you are feeling positive today and staying as calm as possible!! we are wanting the best for you and are here to help try and give support in the direction you choose to take.. .
 
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Anon610 said:
Well after I get clean I plan to rekindle my relationship with my mom. We never seen eye to eye up until this point and I feel she'll be a major help in my road to recovery.
My ex-girlfriend that I still am practically with doesn't know I use, while I don't plan to tell her I do plan on using her as well as a mean of counseling. While I can't tell her everything me being around her more will make me not want to use at all. I started using heavily after our breakup because I thought we'd never talk, say I love you, or do anything together again. She tells me she loves me, she always wants to come over, we go on dates. So I won't want to use, god forbid anything happened to me and I broke her heart. I can't imagine that, so she's my motivation.

Also, I'm planning on looking for Narcotics Anonymous meetings.
I already attend a therapist weekly, but I'm not comfortable discussing my drug abuse with him. I want to go to someone with more understanding about the problem I have. Not someone who is going to label me as a junkie and treat me wrongly.
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I see some issues here...

First - Don't make your girlfriend your higher power, especially if you can't even be honest with her. It's a terrible, TERRIBLE idea. Don't expect being around her to keep you from using - I'm just being real here, not trying to sound like a dick. Remember, like I said your higher power can be almost anything you want - Just forgot to mention that it's absurdly unwise to make it a single other person, especially a girl you're with. A group of people, such as an AA meeting however, is totally acceptable. Or nature, or the wind, or meditation, anything outside of your own free will and other individuals. (or a traditional god if you're religious, works for many, just not for me)

Second - If you can't be totally honest with your therapist, find a new one... That's a pretty major issue. I'd suggest a therapist who's also a certified substance abuse counselor. Many of them are addicts themselves, and regardless they will not treat you like a junkie.

Third - Don't "plan" on looking for an NA meeting, take 2 minutes to Google a local NA schedule.. if you're willing, don't wait - Just Do it!


PS. I just saw where you ask about smoking your dope on top of weed - I wouldn't suggest it, most would probably burn up and be wasted. Snort tiny bumps if you have your heart set on tapering - I still wouldn't suggest it but you're going to do what you're going to do.
 
Thought I'd give you guys a little update. I've yet to cut down past a bag a day unfortunately because I just can't handle the physical withdrawal symptoms. I'm trying my best to use as little as possible though, as in between pickups.
This of course is majorly affecting my sleep, and its making me miserable, due to the physical withdrawal. Today I picked up one bag and to my luck he had Suboxone for sale. Of course I bought all of them to have until my clinic appointment. They're 8mg of buprenorphine and 2mg of naloxone.

Onto, the good news. My mother contacted the local Suboxone clinic and she got some of the details for me while I was resting. They said to call them tomorrow and they'll talk to me regarding treatment. I'm sure they want more information on my usage, drug history, etc. They also said along with my treatment they'll provide me drug abuse counseling as part of the maintenance program. This is great news for me, because currently I'm attending a psychiatrist and therapist very frequently but they don't really specialize in drug abuse, so they have no idea of my opioid dependence. This is great news for me, I thought they just give you your medicine and have you handle the rest. So I will be attending these classes. From there I'm hoping they can provide me with information for NA meetings and what not. Best of all my insurance will cover it all at no payment from me.

I really hope I can go through this and leave opiates in my past. I was much happier before I started using. Sure I'm happy when I'm high, but it comes with a great cost.

Suboxone Dose?
If anyone can tell me what would be a good dose of Suboxone that'd be great. Like I said I usually take 30-60mg of Oxycodone. So whatever that translates to in heroin or Suboxone I'd like to be my dose. This is the sublingual films.
 
opait conversion below.. if you were doing one bag a day.. what did the bag way? Remember you will have to wit until you are in descent withdrawal before you dose the bupe or you may be pretty unhappy.

blue light opiat conversion chart >here<
 
^ check the chart out... .. from what we have heard i do NOT think you need 8mg/day.. at most i would say 4mg/day. please do not take the suboxone with your mouth being dry it will not absorb nearly as efficiently as it is suppose to. before you take it just moisten your mouth with a bit of water place the pill under your tung and it should dissolve with in 20min.

sounds like things are starting to form for you in a way that you feel is best.. that is great!! really try to use all the tools that have been mentioned and are being offered as bupe for you should be a fraction of this process.
 
pro re nata said:
^ check the chart out... .. from what we have heard i do NOT think you need 8mg/day.. at most i would say 4mg/day. please do not take the suboxone with your mouth being dry it will not absorb nearly as efficiently as it is suppose to. before you take it just moisten your mouth with a bit of water place the pill under your tung and it should dissolve with in 20min.

sounds like things are starting to form for you in a way that you feel is best.. that is great!! really try to use all the tools that have been mentioned and are being offered as bupe for you should be a fraction of this process.
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I took a quarter strip, so 2mg. It's doing well for me, and it dissolved in about 5 mins haha. Taste was kinda bad, nasty orange.
 
yeah.. it is gnarly tasting. 2mg sounds really good. try and just hold at that for as long as you can and by no means go over 4mg. 2mg/day would be a great place for you to be at.. were you able to make an apt with the clinic? keep up the good work!
 
Sorry if dry mouth was bad info. When I take subs I always end up with a mouth full of fluid pretty quickly. If I started with extra water it might be too much fluid to handle for 20-40mins. Really doubt starting with a dry mouth effected the efficiency that much. Maybe strips react differently though, wouldnt know..

Also, I said even if you took the whole 8mgs its only gonna make you feel better. I said this beacuse in the other thread you said u were afraid the sub was gonna kill you or something. I recommended 1mg..

gl
 
Anon610 said:
Thank you for all the support. While I'm not gonna say I won't end up committing suicide I will say I'm going to do my best not too. Sometimes my emotions and issues truly get the best of me. I never thought I'd be this person growing up. I'm still an extremely intelligent kid with a 148 IQ and a very good GPA. Who would've guess huh? On top of all this it feels like all my friends also made the jump from pain killers to heroin. And I don't want to be that person. I'm already getting track marks, call me a pussy but everytime I see them I want to cry. For how weak I've become. A weak piece of shit with nothing going for himself so he sticks a needle in his arm to get a temporary high. I'm not sure if I'm sad or disgusted in myself. I do think of the reasons why I want to quit and it motivates me but when I think, I start to realize something. If I wasn't a low life scumbag I would've never put myself in this position. If I don't kill myself, I certainly don't want to die a junkie.

I'm aware of the depression. My withdrawals are awful. I can't be in sunlight, coupled with my insomnia get maybe 6 hours of sleep every 2 days. Its making me physically weak and when I get irritated very easily and snap at the ones I love. The coldsweats are unbearable. I can never sleep unless I haven an opiate in me. My Ambien doesn't even work.
I really don't want to do the Methadone program, I'm crossing my fingers I'm able to get into Suboxone treatment.
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First off: you are not a scumbag shithead or whatever Johnson. I tried to off myself a week ago and you can't imagine the shit i've seen and been put through. I'm handicapped in my right arm because of a bad shot of codeine. I have about thirty slit marks in my wrist. and none were intended to be something to make people aware of it, i've Always tried to do it in hiding. I also have a high IQ (165) but am permanently brain damaged from 23 years of every drug you can imagine. I have auditory hallucinations because i have schizoaffective disorder.

don't do any of this shit - suicide or junk cos in one way or another, you WILL off yourself and it might not even work, man. you have a brilliant future ahead of you and oh how i wish i was your age to become aware that getting high is not the path for anything - anything at ALL. if you wanna talk, pm me. much strength (you will need it) and love to you my friend.
 
neversickanymore said:
Hey Anon how is it going?<3
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6 days clean, occasionally using 2-4mg of Suboxone a day in the meantime. Appointment is next week.
So far so good, I did have a minor slip up and snorted a bag when I was out of subs. But I feel good about this.
 
neversickanymore said:
Nice work.. all we can do is do the best we can.. just have to make sure we are doing our best.. have you given yourself the credit you deserve =D
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I've actually been good with self control. >snip< and have no problem being like 'Nah, I don't want any but I'll get you some.'
So as odd as it sounds that's helping me. I went back to weed a lot more now too. Sleep is still shitty, I feel like opiates have fucked up my sleep a lot.
 
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hey OP,suboxone "saved"me too.it really keeps cravings at bay and (for me)really works on depression.
also,if you pick up weed to substitute heroin it's easy to become a stoner.smoking 24/7 if you know what I mean.
if that is important to you.
big congrats on your amazing progress.
good job,man.
 
thedawn said:
hey OP,suboxone "saved"me too.it really keeps cravings at bay and (for me)really works on depression.
also,if you pick up weed to substitute heroin it's easy to become a stoner.smoking 24/7 if you know what I mean.
if that is important to you.
big congrats on your amazing progress.
good job,man.
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Weed was my first drug and was extremely beneficial for me. Sleep wise, depression wise, anxiety wise, etc. I dropped smoking a lot when I went to opiates.
So now I just think its a much healthier choice and I never felt like I was 'hooked' on weed. Opposite of opiates.
 
it might be a good idea to look into that.

edit:your life is on the line here.
 
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neversickanymore said:
All in favor of a green recovery for themselves say I... I:)
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I. I never felt like marijuana has negatively affected me. I often think about things I need to get done when I smoke.
I actually addressed my addiction while being high on marijuana. And talked to my mom about it, which I would've probably never done.
 
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