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Hello. Heroin is ruining my life, and..I need help

A

Anon610

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 17, 2012
Messages
315
Sorry if this is the wrong section.
I didn't know where to post this I had to vent. I'm really seeking advice into getting off heroin. I'm 20 and I live with my mom and today I told her I've been shooting heroin for the past 2 weeks...
She knew I dabbled with painkillers and have been for the past 2 years. A few weeks ago I stumbled upon Heroin. Its so cheap and I began snorting it. Then I read up about IV and it was gone from there.

I broke down in tears when the words 'Mom, I've been shooting heroin into my arm'. I didn't know what to think. She cried and we hugged.
My family isn't rich at all, so now we have to figure out how to get me help. I can't afford rehab and my government issued medical insurance won't cover it. I have to call to see if the Methadone program is covered by my insurance. But first I want to see if a Suboxone clinic will take my insurace, I heard it has better success rates. Guys I really don't know what to do. Its ruining my life. I'm ignoring friends just to go shoot dope in my bedroom. I'm just wondering if anyone knows a good place to get help or anything. I'm really riding on the Suboxone treatment. I hope something works out, I don't want to be an addict. I don't want my friends seeing me like this. I feel one day, this might drive me to suicide if I can't afford to get it fixed. I can't cold turkey it I feel depressed and that might cause me to act it. Maybe I should quit while I'm ahead. Suicide looks better than a heroin overdose.

Please anyone with suggestions I'm begging for you help.
Thank you for taking your time to read my post,
Cody.
 
You've already made amazing headway (and fast) in admitting to your mother and yourself that this is a problem. And you have already started to address it. I can't give advice on specific rehabs unless you're in australia, but I do suggest you start to taper the your dose, i.e. don't get high, just maintaining and only if you have to. Obviously this will be difficult. I'd also advise that you know exactly what you're getting into with maintenance programs especially methadone. Because you're going to have to jump from that at some point. Is your tolerance high? Are your withdrawals really unbearable? And are you genuinely afraid for your life when withdrawing? I know I've definitely felt like topping myself during w/d but I'd never do it.
My instinct would be w/d cold turkey (if you can) and avoid methadone. You don't want to be on opioid maintenance potentially for years for the sake of a relatively short binge on H.
 
Hi there Cody

Its really good that you want to quit heroin and you want to change your life for the better.

Don't resort to suicide, your mother clearly still loves you and its a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

We're almost the same age, I've lost 7 friends to suicide in the last 2 years and its been a toll on me and all of my loved ones and it really pains a lot of people to see a loved one go because they wanted the quickest way out. Please don't kill yourself.


You say you can't cold turkey it; but you have the initial willpower to say "I want to stop". Have you maybe thought about cutting down your doses? Have you been doing it for the last 2 weeks or has it been longer? If you slow down your doses gradually and not immediately, this is a good start until you get the Suboxone or Methadone treatment. I can't say I've done Heroin/Suboxone/Methadone in my life but a good place to start would be just gradully cutting down your doses.


Please Cody whatever you do don't think about killing yourself, just think about your family they still love you very much. <3
 
I can't cold turkey it I feel depressed and that might cause me to act it
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Unfortunately cody, and I really do hate to say it, you are guaranteed to feel depressed during this process. No amount of money or top-end rehabs can avoid this, and that's simply because opiates do something to your brain that feels great. When that's taken away, even by your own choice, you are bound to feel terrible. But it does get better. That's why I say be careful and assess with your doctor whether a maintenance program is right for you - because, at the end of the day, you're going to have to completely let go of opiates.
Try to use how awful you feel to your advantage. I'm enrolled in a naltrexone clinic - I have an implant which blocks the effects of opiates. The first time I got one, I didn't withdraw at all, they knocked me out with midazolam and I was on benzos for 2 weeks after. I realise now that avoiding severe withdrawal was actually not to my benefit - I didn't take it seriously enough and of course, I relapsed quickly. This time, however, I ran out of gear and had four days of w/d (which is nothing in the grand scheme of things) that was a serious reality check for me.
buffalo
 
buffalobillygoat said:
Unfortunately cody, and I really do hate to say it, you are guaranteed to feel depressed during this process.
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Buffalo is definitely right, just remember the reasons why you are trying to quit and although we do get through these hellish times, think in a few months life will go back to being wonderful, everything is gonna be alright.
 
Thank you for all the support. While I'm not gonna say I won't end up committing suicide I will say I'm going to do my best not too. Sometimes my emotions and issues truly get the best of me. I never thought I'd be this person growing up. I'm still an extremely intelligent kid with a 148 IQ and a very good GPA. Who would've guess huh? On top of all this it feels like all my friends also made the jump from pain killers to heroin. And I don't want to be that person. I'm already getting track marks, call me a pussy but everytime I see them I want to cry. For how weak I've become. A weak piece of shit with nothing going for himself so he sticks a needle in his arm to get a temporary high. I'm not sure if I'm sad or disgusted in myself. I do think of the reasons why I want to quit and it motivates me but when I think, I start to realize something. If I wasn't a low life scumbag I would've never put myself in this position. If I don't kill myself, I certainly don't want to die a junkie.

I'm aware of the depression. My withdrawals are awful. I can't be in sunlight, coupled with my insomnia get maybe 6 hours of sleep every 2 days. Its making me physically weak and when I get irritated very easily and snap at the ones I love. The coldsweats are unbearable. I can never sleep unless I haven an opiate in me. My Ambien doesn't even work.
I really don't want to do the Methadone program, I'm crossing my fingers I'm able to get into Suboxone treatment.
 
I'm aware of the depression
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That's almost the worst thing about it! You know it's coming and that it's 'just' a symptom, but that never makes it any better!

You're not going to die in your w/d. You could quite easily die a novice junkie with a strong batch.

If I wasn't a low life scumbag I would've never put myself in this position.
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While we all feel like this sometimes, it's never true. Once you have a little sober time you can examine the real reasons opiates work for you.
 
hey there.. .. you have done the best thing possible for yourself by sitting down with your mother and letting all of these thoughts/feelings out. this is a huge step in the process of recovery, acceptance. good for you for having the will and want to do so!! you are at such a great age to understand the road heroin can take you down. this is a powerful realization in your experience that can be carried with you through out your journey. you have your whole life ahead of you and it seems like there is a strong will and good judgment with in you!

i am wondering how long and how much heroin have you been using on a daily basis?? this information can be greatly considered in forming a plan that will aid in becoming opiate free. i also am assuming you have a doctor you are currently seeing as you spoke of your "ambien" if so what other medications are you currently prescribed?

you really might be in a good position to try and avoid a maintenance program of any kind and yes especially methadone. it is most important that you do what you feel is best tho in seeking medical help for your current situation. i have dealt with being prescribed many different opiates/opioids along with self medicating with this i have also dealt with both buprenorphine and methadone. if at all possible it would be wonderful to avoid either one but if one is chosen by all means buprenorphine. you might be able to work with a doc where you do a low dose and a quick taper... regardless you still will have to face some physical withdrawal and PAWS. working with your regular doctor during this adjustment period could be very helpful and maybe start to look at underlying issues that caused you to self medicate. the best thing is having the support of your family!! a counselor might be a very helpful tool in processing your feelings through this time and working at your recovery.

do not beat your self up!! you are taking in SO much right now and trying your best to do what is best for you and the ones you love. that takes tremendous strength and courage!! you are doing an amazing thing and you are an amazing person!! keep your head up and keep moving in this positive direction. you can and will do this as so many of us have been right where you are and we are right with you now!
 
It's great that you are figuring this out early on and reaching out for help...it's not an easy road. I can relate, because I have backslid in the past few months, and am beside myself w grief from doing so.

It's been some years since I've used, and though I Never say Never, I thought it was highly unlikely I'd every inject heroin again...and here I am. I was up all night last night, sitting here in front of the computer, crying, full of shame, grief and regret. I am so grateful this website is available w so many that understand.

You are not a loser, or worthless, even though you feel that way. I do too at the moment. I also feel that helplessness and hopelessness of "how did I get into this and how am I going to get out of this"...we will though, because we want to.

Early realization, and not wanting to go on this way is an awesome thing. My heart is feeling heavy like yours...You are far from alone. Neither of us are, and we have to know that...You received great advice and wonderful support from these wonderful members. You will figure out what is right for you, and you'll do it...Good luck. You're not a loser...by any stretch.
 
Cody,

Being an addict has nothing to do with intelligence...my husband has an IQ of 171, my IQ is 141-we're both addicts...and some of the best, kindest, funniest, down to earth people I have ever known are addicts, when they are sober. No one is themselves in active addiction. Try to remember that...you're not yourself...and yes, the depression sucks. I cried everyday for eight months when I stopped taking OxyContin. But, it does get better.

What I'm trying to say, is you are a very decent person with alot to offer...as the others have said, there is a reason you were dabbling in painkillers. It's escaping reality for some reason, and switching to heroin because it's so much cheaper than pills...it's an age old, common story. It's basically mine too. I started out with prescribed pain medication...I was given Oxycontin, and told it was "non-addictive", yes, true story. I was addicted to it within days, unbeknowest to me. I thought I had the flu. Then when I took OxyContin again, I'd think "these things are great, they even help with the flu"...it took me a few months to realize I was addicted to them. When I realized it, I cried my eyes out. I had never been addicted to anything before.

I not only needed them for physical pain, I liked them...I was going through a really stressful time in my life as well, when they were prescribed to me...and they helped me escape alot of the pain of it. So, when I got off of them, the reality of all that I was going through, hit me like a ton of bricks. Even on OxyContin, I was still in pain, but without them, the emotional and physical pain was worse...it was a really tough time.

This time is a little different for me, but without a doubt, I have backslid. And have to get myself out of this...I am looking for some local meetings to go to...and for a place I can talk to someone about this...I don't want to dig myself in any deeper than I already have.

It's awesome that you can talk to your mom...I can't talk to the people I want to talk to most about this. It's something I have to find help for on my own, and do it in confidence. I just wanted to share with you, to let you know other's do understand, and in no way does this mean you are dumb, or scum of the earth.:)
 
Hey anon<3.. I really sorry you have found yourself in this position<3.. If you feel comfortable please let us know your drug usage, particularly your opiat antagonist usage over the past six months kind/mg/pd.. and please stop shooting the H.. after two weeks you can easily go back to smoking it as I know addicts that have went back to smoking it after shooting for decades... break all your pins and make a commitment.. With a better picture of your use everyone here at Bl will be able to give you a much better recommendation as far as how to proceed.. BUY FAR THE MOST ODS HAPPEN RIGHT IN THE BEGINNING OF SHOOTING. FOR REAL.. THAT IS THE ONE AND ONLY TIME I OD ON OPIATES.. so please know you are in real danger.. your tolerance is just to low AND THIS COMBINED WITH EXPERIENCE AND DIFFERING POTENCY KILLS.. SO PULL BACK AND SMOKE.. PLEASE<3

please throw all shame out the window.. as it just drives use.. and addiction is really common in very intelligent people.. but unlike allot of things in life, intelligence is not an automatic plus in dealing with addiction, as addiction lives in your brain and is more powerful than your conscious mind as just as smart as you are, as it is you.

a book to read are The Compass of Pleasure
please check this out http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/672623-Addiction-Guide ..


You are an amazing person and you can and will get yourself outta this place=D
 
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2 days without the needle and I shot up again. I just wanted to sleep, not get high.
I feel like I'm stuck in a loop that I'll never get out of. I'm still waiting on the Suboxone clinic to contact me back.

I really thank you for all your support. You've offered more support via the internet than I've ever gotten from real friends and family.
Hopefully I can overcome this, and when I do I'll have all of you to thank.

A little about my background.
I grew up with really bad anxiety and depression. Never went to a therapist, just wasn't that type of person. I then discovered Vicodin and Percocet.
These were my miracle drugs, the anxiety would go away and the depression wasn't there. I began buying these everyday. Could never keep a meal down either. I'm 5'7'' 122lbs from my drug use and not eating. My tolerance went up of course and I went to taking 30mg - 60mg of oxycodone a day. This got too expensive and found a really good dope dealer. I began snorting dope then ultimately shooting it. Days I wouldn't do it, I'd get stomach cramps, coldsweats to the point where I can sleep, nausea, and overall insomnia. My ambien or ativan wasn't working either. Now for me to want to do anything outside my house I feel I need a shot of heroin in me. I'm not motivated sober. I'm embarassed I let myself get to this. I just keep thinking about my mom, and how she must be wondering where she went wrong. That alone puts suicidal thoughts in my head. I want to get clean, I really do. But fact of the matter is I don't know if I actually can.

I had a dream last night, I bought 3 bags of dope and IV'd them. It was the most pleasant experience ever, I drifted into a state consciousness where nothing mattered and I was finally happy and full of bliss. This dream was me ODing and dying and for an odd reason I enjoyed it.
 
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Dude go and read my thread "im a homeless junkie who is miserable" you do not want to go on methadone. Dont believe the lies. Its more hardcore than shooting heroin.

Also u dont know shit about shooting drugs and like the other person said u could die from am od. Not kidding.
 
You don't have to do this alone. Maybe try some NA meetings, which can be found here. Are you sure that you can't get into rehab with your insurance? I have gov't insurance (it's one of the plans I picked through medicaid) and it covers detox, and doesn't cover inpatient rehab if you haven't already tried outpatient rehab and struggled with it, so what you can do is go to detox and then try outpatient first. If you continue to use in outpatient then your insurance will cover inpatient first.

They just don't want to spring for paying the bill for an inpatient rehab if you haven't tried outpatient first, but they will cover it if you try and fail at staying sober in outpatient.

It's good that your family is supportive. Have you considered leaving town for a few weeks to get clean? You can do that after detox if you can't get into an inpatient rehab, or if you can't get into detox you can try tapering down a bit and then kicking on your own away from home where you don't have access to any drugs.

If you are set on getting on a maintenance drug then try suboxone first instead of going straight for methadone. See if you can do it without any of these drugs first though, but you will need some support system in place such as NA/AA or outpatient if you can get in.
 
All I'll say for the moment is to not get on methadone. Try every plan you can think of before methadone. That is locking yourself in for a very, very long and distressing ride.

Also, there seem to be so many issues you need to address (insomnia, depression, self-esteem) and heroin hinders your effectiveness to progress in these areas. I know you are probably all too aware of your self-image, but if you look back at the words you use to describe yourself, they are all really hurtful things you wouldn't dream of calling most people, maybe even enemies. You need to get clean to address this so you can stay clean. It is all a self-sustaining embittering cycle. Finding a healthy transition away from opiates is just the first step (but a helluva step it is).

Good luck.
 
keep talking with your mother about your feelings and how you have found yourself in this place you are in dealing with issues via self medicating. this is not only going to help her understand but it is going to take some of this guilt and shame you are feeling away by opening communication and starting to process these emotions. keep tying to lower your intake of heroin.. letting us know how much a day and for how long you have been using heroin will help us understand where you are at in regards to dependency and severity of withdrawal. as mentioned above might be a good thing to check out some NA and/or SMART meetings to help with support/acceptance/strength and motivation for getting through this. you might meet some people that you can really relate to and share your experience with.

heroin totally keeps us standing still and numb to many issues we have not dealt with that is why withdrawal can be so hard psychologically, meeting and dealing with these things is the only way to begin to understand, heal and grow. checking out and seeing a clinical therapist could really help you in this process, seeing one does not mean you have to keep going if you do not feel a solid connection with them. suboxone is by no means a cure all it is there as part of the puzzle of tools in helping with dependency- recovery is what we make of it, something that has to be continued to be worked at. the more you work the more in powering it becomes. you can do it!!

it is not a hopeless situation, you have so much ahead of you and so much to live for! try to not overwhelm yourself and just make small goals that you can keep building on in the direction you want to go... .. you can and will get their!
 
pro re nata said:
keep talking with your mother about your feelings and how you have found yourself in this place you are in dealing with issues via self medicating. this is not only going to help her understand but it is going to take some of this guilt and shame you are feeling away by opening communication and starting to process these emotions. keep tying to lower your intake of heroin.. letting us know how much a day and for how long you have been using heroin will help us understand where you are at in regards to dependency and severity of withdrawal. as mentioned above might be a good thing to check out some NA and/or SMART meetings to help with support/acceptance/strength and motivation for getting through this. you might meet some people that you can really relate to and share your experience with.

heroin totally keeps us standing still and numb to many issues we have not dealt with that is why withdrawal can be so hard psychologically, meeting and dealing with these things is the only way to begin to understand, heal and grow. checking out and seeing a clinical therapist could really help you in this process, seeing one does not mean you have to keep going if you do not feel a solid connection with them. suboxone is by no means a cure all it is there as part of the puzzle of tools in helping with dependency- recovery is what we make of it, something that has to be continued to be worked at. the more you work the more in powering it becomes. you can do it!!

it is not a hopeless situation, you have so much ahead of you and so much to live for! try to not overwhelm yourself and just make small goals that you can keep building on in the direction you want to go... .. you can and will get their!
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Right now I'm still at a bag per day. Unfortunately there's no need exchange so I've been using the same rig for 3 days til I can slip away. As a result I have bruising on my arm.
My mother made some calls to the Suboxone clinics, I told her forget about the methadone.
 
I hope you are aware that in getting on a maintenance medication you will not be just consuming a benign chemical, but a chemical that will likely be harder to kick than the H and a chemical that will effect your life and personality.. just something to consider. How long have you been physically dependent on the opiates?
 
neversickanymore said:
I hope you are aware that in getting on a maintenance medication you will not be just consuming a benign chemical, but a chemical that will likely be harder to kick than the H and a chemical that will effect your life and personality.. just something to consider. How long have you been physically dependent on the opiates?
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Physically dependent? About a year and a half. I was taking 2-3 bags of dope a day or about 60mg of oxycodone and 200mg of Morphine. Over the past two weeks I've cut down to a bag of dope a day via IV.
I think I'll be able to kick the Suboxone relatively easy. But its a risk I'm willing to take. I decided not to go anywhere near Methadone after reading what you guys have said. But cold turkey-ing it isn't an option for me. I can't function or do my job, I can't get out of bed, and I'm constantly sweating and I'm never able to sleep. Its miserable and at times had me to the point where I wanted to kill myself and get it done with.
 
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