Boyfriend and escorts...

[warpaint]

today my bf and i were looking to adopt a pet thru craigslist and i decided to search the name of our city + pet adoption. before i could enter the latter part of the search, the name of our city + "escorts" came up. i kept questioning my bf about it and after 5 mins of denying it, he admitted to viewing them as a fantasy thing. but i couldnt believe it esp since they were local, so i entered "escorts" in the url bar and found a local forum he started 2 threads on, both seeking out escorts who could deepthroat and do foot fetish stuff (both which i do with him). he told me he never actually went through with them cus he felt guilty. but idk, i feel pretty disgusted that he had the intentions of hiring an escort to bring back to our apt as stated in his posts.

we have been together for over a year and have lived together for almost a year. we're very close and comfortable with each other so i feel a little betrayed that he's been doing this... those threads were posted last month. throughout our relationship, we've agreed that we're pretty serious about each other and laid out exactly what type of relationship that we have. i have asked him before if he's honestly ready or mature enough for us and he said yes. hes 22 btw. anyways, whether he went through with actually seeing an escort or not, im not sure how to feel about all of this except for feeling stupid and hating myself a little. i hate myself for loving him and i know he loves me. he was crying a lot when i was telling him how hurt i was seeing the stuff he posted online. he's telling me now he doesnt want to go on those sites again for the sake of our relationship and he really wants us to work. but i just have a hard time understanding this desire for cheap thrill (he says he gets off on the idea of girls doing anything for money)... especially when we already have a great sex life (he assures me that i give him everything he needs in bed). part of me cannot imagine not being with him but a part of me has a hard time believing that he has the maturity and willpower to truly stray away from wanting to cheat. and does it make much of a difference if he didn't actually go through with seeing an escort despite having had the intentions to?

what should i do? believe in him? i'm so confused and i dont know what to think about besides my living situation. if things don't work out the last thing i want to do is move back with my dad who i have an almost non existent relationship with and having to rely on him at all....

 

[Maya]

First of all, I'm sorry to hear of what you are going through. In my experiences, majority of men tend to explore at the ages of 18-30, and decline from the age of 30 onwards. He is quite young, and the chances are he might do it again. Its not that he doesn't love you, its just a fact that he is at age of sexual exploration. You have two options, swallow your pride and forgive him and take it as an experience to make your relationship stronger or hold your head up high and move out and be independent. If iwere you, I will move out and give myself space and take it as a learning experience. Maybe becauseI value loyalty and respect towards myself. Just always remember that there are other guys out there who are more mature and who will be more truthful and value your feelings and your relationship.

 

[bunnymunro]

Show him how to delete cookies?

 

[missmeyet?]

/\ ignore

That really stinks and I hate it that you are goingg through this. Only you can make the decision on what to do but I agree with Maya. Some people can forgive and move on after swallowingg their pride. Occasionally this does work out but frequently it ends up happening again. Only you and time will tell if you can continue on. I know that when I was hurt in a similar way (but he had actually cheated, several times...and cried and was sorry) as time went on I could never get it out of my head. I stayed with him for awhile but eventually I became disgusted by the thought and kicked his ass out. Just don't sacrifice yourself as a result. And certainly if it were to happen again...end of the line. Of course when this happened to me it was 20 years ago. Now, at this point in my life if this happened I would have to stand and kick him to the curb.

 

[RobotRipping]

i do the same thing all the time, never actually do anything about it (99% of the time anyway); just like to see what's out there, i don't know why.

No big deal IMO my gf doesn't care, just tell him that you don't mind and that he should be honest with you and to stop crying like a girl about it (slap him and tell him to get his shit together).

and yes there's a huge thrill in paying girls money to do things - that's 90% of the fun. You may not understand it but it's true, like a power/domination thing. I've spent shit loads of money on girls for this very reason. Since you pay them you feel like you can get them tol do what ever fucked up shit you want, makes you feel powerful, and gives you other strange psychological highs lol.

My advice: go on craigslist and find a girl for the both of you or him! make it a present! and don't be so insecure, if he's with you still and actually cried about it then he cares about you so forget all this petty shit. Try replying to his ad and don't force him to stop going to these sites and doing this shit, repressing all that stuff will build up and then he'll actually do something about it. It's entirely plausible at this point it's just a fantasy type deal.

and FFS almost every guy will cheat given the right circumstances and opportunity; it's just sex, if a guy cheats on you romantically or for emotional reasons, then yeah that is fucked up. If he just wanted to try another vagina out and got a chance to... is that really so so bad? (so long as he doesn't catch something or get someone pregnant) Lying about it is bad/hurtful/mean, but the action itself?

 

[HCandKROD]

I'm on the fence either way. I'm 50 y/o which most people on here might find creepy. Nevermind, he's 22. cut him a little slack but not much. He just might not feel free to ask of you what he can ask on line anonymously. If you really care about him ask him candidly what his fetishes are. He'll be embarrassed but try to coax it outta him.
If he's just another guy to you......dump him. Many more out there!!!! Good luck.

 

[pofacedhoe]

Show him how to delete cookies?

oh my days

how old are you OP? 22 is young for your boyfriend. while he may not go through with this i can see that its hugely unsettling. don't beat yourself about this you didn't go posting ads for hookers- he did.

anyway

i honestly don't know what to tell you. i personally would find it hard to trust that he wasn't going to meet up with them, but there is a very strong chance with internet hookups that people just don't follow through and do any real actions. cos this has been my bane of the internet.

the fact he wants to pay is a bit creepy because if as RobotRipping says its about the power from paying for it then that is more of an issue than some wanting to bang some promiscuous ladies.

 

[angeleyes]

don't beat yourself about this you didn't go posting ads for hookers- he did.

^ This.

i honestly don't know what to tell you. i personally would find it hard to trust that he wasn't going to meet up with them

^ This.


Trust is absolutely everything, the foundation and cornerstone of any relationship.

If you can't trust him then what kind of relationship can you have? I'm not berating you, he's the one who fucked up royally good. I'm younger than him, and male, and yes, we are incredibly stupid, but I can't say I'm as stupid to half act on an unfaithful sexual fantasy.

Loyalty is everything and people deserve to be treated well in relationships of any kind.

 

[RobotRipping]

the fact he wants to pay is a bit creepy because if as RobotRipping says its about the power from paying for it then that is more of an issue than some wanting to bang some promiscuous ladies.

lol is it that creepy? i thought this was rather normal! God damn, no wonder i scare off the ladies...

again for OP; i've done the exact same thing, even made ads for hookers/random sex talked to these girls but had no intention of following through, i got some sort of thrill out of it. Perhaps i would have met a few people but i always have this rule that if my gf or i want to fuck someone else then we tell each other first, so i don't bother even if i set up an actual date and meeting place, i just bail out, it's fucked up i know but your bf could be doing the very same thing. Hell, girls have done the same thing to me plenty of times as well. In all reality, i just like to imagine and see the possibilities, not actually experience them. I can't be the only one like this!

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

I can't be the only one like this!

You aren't. I've done the same thing without ever following through as well. My ex found out pretty much the same way OP did (actually my situation was much like the OP, living together for about a year). My ex was pretty hurt by it, and it did take a while to regain any kind of trust, but one day he brought up the idea of getting an escort for both of us. While I entertained the idea, I never went through with it because, in reality, I didn't actually want to fuck anyone else.

 

[warpaint]

i do the same thing all the time, never actually do anything about it (99% of the time anyway); just like to see what's out there, i don't know why.

No big deal IMO my gf doesn't care, just tell him that you don't mind and that he should be honest with you and to stop crying like a girl about it (slap him and tell him to get his shit together).

and yes there's a huge thrill in paying girls money to do things - that's 90% of the fun. You may not understand it but it's true, like a power/domination thing. I've spent shit loads of money on girls for this very reason. Since you pay them you feel like you can get them tol do what ever fucked up shit you want, makes you feel powerful, and gives you other strange psychological highs lol.

My advice: go on craigslist and find a girl for the both of you or him! make it a present! and don't be so insecure, if he's with you still and actually cried about it then he cares about you so forget all this petty shit. Try replying to his ad and don't force him to stop going to these sites and doing this shit, repressing all that stuff will build up and then he'll actually do something about it. It's entirely plausible at this point it's just a fantasy type deal.

and FFS almost every guy will cheat given the right circumstances and opportunity; it's just sex, if a guy cheats on you romantically or for emotional reasons, then yeah that is fucked up. If he just wanted to try another vagina out and got a chance to... is that really so so bad? (so long as he doesn't catch something or get someone pregnant) Lying about it is bad/hurtful/mean, but the action itself?

it'd be easy if i were down for an open relationship but that's not what i want... i dont share those fantasies and i don't feel the need to be or sleep with other people. we both agreed on a monogamous relationship and honestly if this were reversed, as i've pointed out to him, he definitely wouldn't like it if i went sleeping with some other guy behind his back. if he didn't agree on a monogamous relationship then it would be different. but he doesnt want that, he doesnt like the idea of me being with someone else, so i shouldn't have to be more lenient or understanding about him wanting to cheat just because he's a guy. it comes down to choice and respect...

 

[RobotRipping]

i agree with you but is your bf actually sleeping with other girls or just doing this whole online thing for a thrill? there's a big difference there.

regarding monogamy or polygamy that's just my opinion, wasn't trying to force it on you or anything. It does come down to respect and the choice to either have an open relationship or not. If you enter into a monogamous relationship and cheat behind the other person's back that is hurtful and wrong, I don't argue that.

If however your bf just does this kind of stuff for some sort of thrill or fantasy and never acts on it (apparently more people do this than just me) then i don't think it's a deal breaker, just something to talk out. if he's outright cheating on you then that's an entirely different story but with the details provided, it's impossible to say which is the case.

 

[pofacedhoe]

lol is it that creepy? i thought this was rather normal! God damn, no wonder i scare off the ladies...

i'm not a woman but to me if i have to pay people to get off its creepy. thats just my opinion

 

[One Thousand Words]

it'd be easy if i were down for an open relationship but that's not what i want... i dont share those fantasies and i don't feel the need to be or sleep with other people. we both agreed on a monogamous relationship and honestly if this were reversed, as i've pointed out to him, he definitely wouldn't like it if i went sleeping with some other guy behind his back. if he didn't agree on a monogamous relationship then it would be different. but he doesnt want that, he doesnt like the idea of me being with someone else, so i shouldn't have to be more lenient or understanding about him wanting to cheat just because he's a guy. it comes down to choice and respect...

You don't have to have the same fantasies as your partner. We all close our eyes during sex and think of different things. The question is, if you believe him that he didn't follow through, would you care that he is looking at escorts? To many it is a sort of porn, one that is a little more realistic given the fact that with a few dollars that pretty face on the screen would actually be having sex with you, rather than some nameless actress in a video or photo.

 

[missmeyet?]

Damn, I had no idea you guys were such a bunch of freaks? I'm shocked!! No, I'm just kidding. Actually some very good points were made. It may have just been that he was kind of getting a thrill out of the whole process with no intentions of actually following through. Kinda like with porn which is of course all lookie no touch. I know when I was much younger this would have bothered me a lot and as I have grown old(er) then not so much. So again, it is all in whether you believe him and can actually trust him...basically what you can live with and be at peace with.

 

[warpaint]

well he told me he did have intentions of finding an escort, but he didnt go through with it because he felt guilty. so im not sure if it was really just a fantasy thing, to get a thrill out of posting on those forums. anyways im still not sure how to get over this. i want to keep our relationship going because we've gone through a lot together but i have trust issues that stem from way before i met him, basically they stem from my parents and having lived with my mom's psychotic/manipulative family. my boyfriend is the one person i've grown the closest with in the past years and it hurts when i always find out that someone im close with couldnt find the decency to give me full respect and honesty. after this, i've learned that forgiveness doesn't come to me easily... tbh i still have resentment towards my family for the past. i know my bf cares about me, but part of me wonders if he's just being selfish when he tells me he wants me and that he can truly be mature enough to not care for fucking other people. this situation has also started making me feel a little insecure about my own body... it's stupid but i cant help but feel like im not enough

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

It's not stupid that you're left feeling this way. What he (and I and others) did was completely selfish. It will take a while for the trust to come back, and in the end you may never truly forgive him for this.

I know you probably feel that you can't be away from him and trust him, but is there any way you can take a week or so without seeing him. Having to stay in the same house and see him every day will make these feelings worse, and the only words of comfort he'll be able to give you is 'sorry, i love you' which will never be enough (and you won't be able to believe it right now). Taking time for yourself without the constant reminder in your face will help, and it puts him in a position of having to prove how he feels for you if he really wants to stay with you.

 

[warpaint]

It's not stupid that you're left feeling this way. What he (and I and others) did was completely selfish. It will take a while for the trust to come back, and in the end you may never truly forgive him for this.

I know you probably feel that you can't be away from him and trust him, but is there any way you can take a week or so without seeing him. Having to stay in the same house and see him every day will make these feelings worse, and the only words of comfort he'll be able to give you is 'sorry, i love you' which will never be enough (and you won't be able to believe it right now). Taking time for yourself without the constant reminder in your face will help, and it puts him in a position of having to prove how he feels for you if he really wants to stay with you.

thanks for the advice. i havent had much alone time since all of this came to light. at the moment, i just have a hard time trusting that this wont happen again down the line in our relationship. we're serious about each other but it's only been 1.5 years, and he's already looking up escorts. the thing is, he told me he'd just discovered those sites a couple months ago. and he realized how accessible and easy escorts are to get. and i think that just tempted him even more. he says it's not about me but more about variety, which is something he said he is willing to give up to be with me. i cant help but feel that he's only so certain about not wanting to cheat right now because he's at the risk of losing me.

 

[Cevain]

It's kind of second nature for men. I bet your sex life is really great and he feels horny alot. But a guy's lust works in many different ways. If he just discovered how easy accesible these escorts are, he might have reacted when he was in a horny mood (and this horny mood can happen alot too), and he probably just reacted in a horny impulse (I know I have them alot, other story), kind of blocking how much he loves you and also blocking the real feeling of what he is doing exactly. Because in a way, it's all about lust, the need for variety.

Now that you found out, things are different obviously. I think you are right when you say he is certain that he doesn't want to cheat on you because he will lose you. And that feeling is something to build on. When he gets in this kind of mood again, this feeling will come back faster and if he loves you enough (and let's just give him the benefit of the doubt), that feeling will stop him from continuing that path.

 

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

i just have a hard time understanding this desire for cheap thrill (he says he gets off on the idea of girls doing anything for money)

Start charging him $50 a session.
It's a win/win.
He won't stray and you can go shopping.

Sooner or later he'll go broke and realize how stupid it is to pay for sex when he can get it for free from his lovely girlfriend.