Boyfriend and escorts...

[bunnymunro]

I just don't get that power role by paying for a woman, seems as though I may be in minority here. ..
Surely if you pay a hooker she doesn't become yours to pretty much do what you want with?
Well, sure, she is engaged to perform certain duties but when it gets to the stage where she becomes uncomfortable, the fun pretty much finishes for me.
As far as window shopping for hookers and going so far as to place ads, I call bullshit. Why would you, if you weren't going to follow through?
Ok, perusing what's available, fair call. Even women do that. But placing ads?
He either has done or fully intended to have a sly fuck behind your back.

 

[llama112]

Start charging him $50 a session.
It's a win/win.
He won't stray and you can go shopping.

Sooner or later he'll go broke and realize how stupid it is to pay for sex when he can get it for free from his lovely girlfriend.

Ahaha, I love this idea!

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

As far as window shopping for hookers and going so far as to place ads, I call bullshit. Why would you, if you weren't going to follow through?

To know you can. Many guys place ads to find women and never go through with it. It doesn't matter the medium (forums, dating sites, craigslist) and the actual intent to cheat may not be there, but scouting out your options as if you were single is appealing to some.

 

[Animal Mother]

i do the same thing all the time, never actually do anything about it (99% of the time anyway); just like to see what's out there, i don't know why.

No big deal IMO my gf doesn't care, just tell him that you don't mind and that he should be honest with you and to stop crying like a girl about it (slap him and tell him to get his shit together).

and yes there's a huge thrill in paying girls money to do things - that's 90% of the fun. You may not understand it but it's true, like a power/domination thing. I've spent shit loads of money on girls for this very reason. Since you pay them you feel like you can get them tol do what ever fucked up shit you want, makes you feel powerful, and gives you other strange psychological highs lol.

My advice: go on craigslist and find a girl for the both of you or him! make it a present! and don't be so insecure, if he's with you still and actually cried about it then he cares about you so forget all this petty shit. Try replying to his ad and don't force him to stop going to these sites and doing this shit, repressing all that stuff will build up and then he'll actually do something about it. It's entirely plausible at this point it's just a fantasy type deal.

and FFS almost every guy will cheat given the right circumstances and opportunity; it's just sex, if a guy cheats on you romantically or for emotional reasons, then yeah that is fucked up. If he just wanted to try another vagina out and got a chance to... is that really so so bad? (so long as he doesn't catch something or get someone pregnant) Lying about it is bad/hurtful/mean, but the action itself?

I think this is the best advice in here.
as a yonger man, I would have been very upset if I caught my girl doing this. As a far more mature and experienced man, I would just ask here if this is something that we could do together to become even closer. It's not a matter of breaking monogamy to both share and use another girl together. I think that you are young and letting this get to your head too much, op.

also, consider this: ylu caught him in the moment, which made him terribly uncomfortable. No explaination that he offered was the truth. he was in panic mode. I, personally, check CL a couple of times a week. But I rarely ever meet any girls from there.

he most likely is young, wants variety, and as much as he would love to share this with you, he can't because he's aware of how insecure it will make you.

 

[Corazon]

today my bf and i were looking to adopt a pet thru craigslist and i decided to search the name of our city + pet adoption. before i could enter the latter part of the search, the name of our city + "escorts" came up. i kept questioning my bf about it and after 5 mins of denying it, he admitted to viewing them as a fantasy thing. but i couldnt believe it esp since they were local, so i entered "escorts" in the url bar and found a local forum he started 2 threads on, both seeking out escorts who could deepthroat and do foot fetish stuff (both which i do with him). he told me he never actually went through with them cus he felt guilty. but idk, i feel pretty disgusted that he had the intentions of hiring an escort to bring back to our apt as stated in his posts.

we have been together for over a year and have lived together for almost a year. we're very close and comfortable with each other so i feel a little betrayed that he's been doing this... those threads were posted last month. throughout our relationship, we've agreed that we're pretty serious about each other and laid out exactly what type of relationship that we have. i have asked him before if he's honestly ready or mature enough for us and he said yes. hes 22 btw. anyways, whether he went through with actually seeing an escort or not, im not sure how to feel about all of this except for feeling stupid and hating myself a little. i hate myself for loving him and i know he loves me. he was crying a lot when i was telling him how hurt i was seeing the stuff he posted online. he's telling me now he doesnt want to go on those sites again for the sake of our relationship and he really wants us to work. but i just have a hard time understanding this desire for cheap thrill (he says he gets off on the idea of girls doing anything for money)... especially when we already have a great sex life (he assures me that i give him everything he needs in bed). part of me cannot imagine not being with him but a part of me has a hard time believing that he has the maturity and willpower to truly stray away from wanting to cheat. and does it make much of a difference if he didn't actually go through with seeing an escort despite having had the intentions to?

what should i do? believe in him? i'm so confused and i dont know what to think about besides my living situation. if things don't work out the last thing i want to do is move back with my dad who i have an almost non existent relationship with and having to rely on him at all....

He probably was sexually excited by the idea of hiring escorts and would do it if the opportunity arose.

He likes you a lot and will tell what you want to hear. He's very sad that he got caught.

It's not really anything personal about you, it's just something extra that he thought he could do that excited him. It also gives you a glimpse of the fact that he doesn't feel limited to just you, at least sexually. That doesn't make him a monster necessarily. Lot's of men frequent escorts on business trips etc... and love their gfs/wives very much.

 

[thujone]

well he told me he did have intentions of finding an escort, but he didnt go through with it because he felt guilty. so im not sure if it was really just a fantasy thing, to get a thrill out of posting on those forums. anyways im still not sure how to get over this. i want to keep our relationship going because we've gone through a lot together but i have trust issues that stem from way before i met him, basically they stem from my parents and having lived with my mom's psychotic/manipulative family. my boyfriend is the one person i've grown the closest with in the past years and it hurts when i always find out that someone im close with couldnt find the decency to give me full respect and honesty. after this, i've learned that forgiveness doesn't come to me easily... tbh i still have resentment towards my family for the past. i know my bf cares about me, but part of me wonders if he's just being selfish when he tells me he wants me and that he can truly be mature enough to not care for fucking other people. this situation has also started making me feel a little insecure about my own body... it's stupid but i cant help but feel like im not enough

For one, every 22 year old male fantasizes non-stop about sexual experiences and even the most virtuous can succumb if the temptation to cheat is strong enough. For two, you have to accept the fact that your relationship may end at some point.

I think the biggest problem with having trust issues is that it creates an unattainable ideal of how a human should be. The reality is everyone has some faults and you should define for yourself what faults you're willing to forgive and what faults are a relationship ender. Some "quirks" you just have to accept about a person if you think their overall character is worth your trust, but at the same time don't be afraid to ruthlessly enforce a reaction to the type of behaviour you will not stand for.

And now, for a quote:

You may be mugged if you trust too much but it will fuck you up more worrying about trust

 

[Kitz]

This

 

[warpaint]

do most men grow out of that need for variety?

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Personally, I would break up with him. I mean, the trust is completely gone. He's been practically "planning on cheating"--local escorts who he's been in communication with? Ugh, that's just so sick. PLUS, you don't even know if he did or didn't actually cheat on you. You don't trust him at all. It's sick that he was planning on bringing the ho back to YOUR home and fuck in YOUR bed. Like, that's so sick. He can cry all he wants for all I care--his ass is out the door. I don't want a guy who wants a fucking whore (age is not an excuse).

BUT, you seem like you really love him and are in an semi-unhealthy co-dependent relationship (living situation and all)..
So may I suggest role playing into this fantasy? Making an account on this website.. replying to him.. meeting at a hotel, dressing up, and doing the deed? Maybe even wear a wig for kicks? don't forget to take his money.

 

[warpaint]

... so it's been maybe a month since this stuff happened and we've been on good terms. like i havent really given much thought to this whole escort thing because i forgave him and he seemed very remorseful, and because i know he does love me (and i love him). anyways. he's not very good at deleting his internet history. today i just found out that he'd been viewing backpage/escort sites through the same way i found out about him looking at these sites the first time--- entered a word in the url and saw an escort link. i wasn't very surprised to be honest, because i didn't fully believe him when he said he wouldnt view escort sites again, and i'm not as upset as i was the first time, but i definitely feel stupid. i know he looks at them as porn material but whyyyy does he have to resort to escort sites? there is so much porn on the internet. i confronted him when he came home and he's apologizing and saying that he went on them because he remembers me telling him that i dont care if he views them ONLY as porn material. but when i caught him the first time, it was obviously beyond some fantasy given that he took time to look for escorts through a forum. so he told me he wouldnt go on them anymore since they obviously tempt him. and now hes telling me he truly just looks at the pics on backpage to jerk off. i dont know. why are men like this. i feel like a lot of the guys im surrounded by even at work do shady things behind their gf's backs-- and many are rather open and proud of it. and hearing about how guys cheat all the time makes me feel so guarded and just not trusting of men in general. it's just incredibly selfish and disrespectful. i dont know what to do. i dont believe my bfs cheated but how do i know he's not gonna cheat down the line. my bfs begging me to not break up, promising me that it's nothing more than fantasy...

if i break up with him now, idk how im gonna find a place to live in the meantime. i have cards to pay off and atm my job situation is a little shitty (not enough hrs)

fuck

 

[Maya]

Do you think you can move in with a sibling or a relative or maybe a friend? That really sucks wow he didn't learn his lesson eh?

 

[warpaint]

Do you think you can move in with a sibling or a relative or maybe a friend? That really sucks wow he didn't learn his lesson eh?

no siblings, my friends are going back to school (out of the city) and i'm making my dad/dad's fam my laaast resort lol. i've been on craigslist for the past little while emailing ppls for bedroom viewing. maybe if i check out these places and envision myself there, i'll be more decisive with breaking it off with my bf. yeah it sucks, i really do love/care for him but at this point i just have trust issues... like aside from this, we're good to each other, but it hurts thinking that despite all that we have in this relationship, he can't respect me enough to not lie and simply to refrain from going to these sites :/

 

[T. Calderone]

Your boyfriend knows that you're not comfortable with what he's doing. See now he knows that you are looking at his browsing history and if was smart, he would delete when he's finished. Do you feel if he had the opportunity he would actually go through with this? Escorts aren't free so that would cost him money. The real issue here is you feel you can't trust him and how you want to handle this now.

 

[Maya]

I was pretty much in the same situation as you before but the only diff is I had my own place. I think the best thing you can do is find a secured job first and then find a place to move in. You can find room mates and they don't necessarily need to be your friends. Once these are done then ypu can leave him. Dont ever look back!

 

[Foreigner]

Oh man, 22 year old guys. Don't get me started. I know there are exceptions to the rule but the majority I dated when I was younger placed a big priority on sex, and frankly so did I. For many that age who are still maturing and figuring out their tastes, the parameters of a real, mature relationship are incomprehensible. A lot of guys think they want a relationship but their sex drives are intense and they can't really maintain one.

Seeking out escorts in of itself is not wrong, but you need to decide if he violated the agreed terms of your relationship or not. If you two are supposed to be monogamous and you have no agreement about seeing outside people, then he is two-timing you.

You haven't done anything wrong, but you also need to determine just how much you are going to let yourself suffer over this. If you can't let go of the fact that your bf probably requires an open relationship or will otherwise see other women anyway, then you should probably let this guy go. If he claims he won't do it again, there will probably be lingering distrust and suspicion anyway, unless you two have been super solid up until now. Without that foundation, your future together seems questionable.

It's important not to punish yourself or him, but determine if your mutual relationship needs are being met. Maybe he isn't being honest with himself in that he just wants to fuck around, and he should not be leading someone else on with the promise of a committed relationship.

 

[DJRolling]

I don't have time to read this all out so i'll make this a subbed thread. to the OP, i'm sorry to hear about your position, and I hope everything goes well. remember that everything that happens has a higher purpose. also, i'm personally kind of ashamed for your boyfriend it seems like you're a pretty awesome significant other. how do the guys that can never be satisfied with what they have get the cool chicks? from the sounds of things you haven't done anything even close to wrong.
good luck, i'll reply later once I've read the thread as a whole.

EDIT: so I read the thread and I really am disappointed. I don't know what it is about guys around my age but I feel like if guys like this are normal I've got my priorities completely twisted. why be with someone if you feel like you need to "explore" other options. either the relationship you're in is what you want and need or it isn't. I dunno, who am I to talk? I've been single for years because if it isn't a girl I can see myself being with for the foreseeable future I won't be with her, sure we might do this or that but seriously sex isn't something that concerns me, it's awesome don't get me wrong. I don't know how to keep talking here without feeling like a 21 year old male weirdo.

OP, you're clearly a great girl, if he won't respect you enough to stop doing something that makes you uncomfortable even if you said it's okay for his sake, he doesn't deserve your kindness. he needs to nut up or shut up if he wants to be committed to you then he needs to actually do it, if that's not what he wants he needs to let it be known so you can find someone who will treat you like a woman.

 

[warpaint]

Oh man, 22 year old guys. Don't get me started. I know there are exceptions to the rule but the majority I dated when I was younger placed a big priority on sex, and frankly so did I. For many that age who are still maturing and figuring out their tastes, the parameters of a real, mature relationship are incomprehensible. A lot of guys think they want a relationship but their sex drives are intense and they can't really maintain one.

Seeking out escorts in of itself is not wrong, but you need to decide if he violated the agreed terms of your relationship or not. If you two are supposed to be monogamous and you have no agreement about seeing outside people, then he is two-timing you.

You haven't done anything wrong, but you also need to determine just how much you are going to let yourself suffer over this. If you can't let go of the fact that your bf probably requires an open relationship or will otherwise see other women anyway, then you should probably let this guy go. If he claims he won't do it again, there will probably be lingering distrust and suspicion anyway, unless you two have been super solid up until now. Without that foundation, your future together seems questionable.

It's important not to punish yourself or him, but determine if your mutual relationship needs are being met. Maybe he isn't being honest with himself in that he just wants to fuck around, and he should not be leading someone else on with the promise of a committed relationship.

when i suggested that we should just be friends he didnt want that at all and started crying. i told him why not, we'd still be there for each other and youd get to do wahtever u want and itd be none of my business. then he said hed still be in love with me and wouldnt want to see me with someone else. idk what to do still, it's still kinda fresh and i havent had time for myself. he cried again like last time and said the same things as he did last time when i found out. i believe he's remorseful but right now my issue is trying to trust that he wont go back on those sites. its not that i care he jerks off to them, but given the first time i found out abt this, it obvs was more than a fantasy. a part of me feels like he's trying to convince himself that going on those sites wont lead to anything more.

i feel like im in a difficult position. we both feel like we cant imagine our lives without each other, i mean aside from this whole escort thing, we get along well and are supportive of each other, etc. but i hate having to doubt at all. and having to see him beg on his knees crying, like why didnt he learn the first time.. :/

 

[B1tO'RoughJack]

Hmmm...

This happened to me. I will try and just show you what was happening with me.(except there were no escorts - just fucked around on al my gfs when I was younger, then felt ashamed for it...young romances *sigh*).

I shouldn't have been in a committed relationships - I was not ready. This was 6 years ago.

Maybe he is not ready too, but maybe he loves you so much as a friend, and you have such great sex together, he is trying to make you happy by doing what you want - being monogamous.

Only thing is IT DOESN'T WORK FOR A LOT OF US. Some of us need variety, some of us need a bit o strange.

Someone told me the other day that a man wi.ll generally try and spread his seed like a fox or dog with as many lasses as possible, and a woman will tend to be monogamous (what kinda man wants to share a woman that he loves? unless he gets to watch and jerk off and join in...) and have lots of babies instead of lots of lovers. This is the animal way. We are mammals.

If your fella is tall, kinda skinny/slim, has poor circulation, irregular digestion and is a anxious depressive type when upset, chances are he has a lot of air in his constitution - he needs variety as part of his natural imbalance. Don't be too hard on him. It's hard for us to be in a society which tells us we should all strive for monogamy.

Ask him though whether he needs variety and don't give him a hard time. He is not you and therefore he does not think the same way you do. He just loves you and wants to share some time with you, so has bowed down to exclusiveness...then feels guilty and wretched and pathetic for crossing the line...which shouldn't even be a prerequisite in the first place.

Just talk it out with him - ask if (no blame no anger) what he truly wants, what he feels, and if he starts curling up like a pathetic child telling you he doesn't know why then leave it and comfort him. Then come back to it later.

This may not apply, but I can say this applies to a lot of these type of situations. I am of course projecting what I KNOW though, so just so you know.

 

[temporaryfeelings]

Leave...

 

[Maya]

Warpaint listen to the great advices posted on this thread. I believe you are fairly young too. IME, it is hard to be in a very serious relationship at a young age. I think you guys should give each other spaces to think things through. Beinf in a serious relationship requires a level of understanding and maturity which he doesnt have atm. It is normal to feel that way because you love him but what if there is someone out there who is a much better partner?