^
Hope you do well and don't go into such a state again, or at least it is not as bad if it happens again.
As for how I feel:
Grateful - my depression has lifted and I took an intentional overdose just 4 or 5 days ago just to see if I would die. It was a potentially dangerous amount that could possibly kill, but I am still here.
Also, happy and lucky
My mom found a very valuable coin - I paid $5. It would be worth around $50, but one side is covered in bright multicolor rainbow toning. I see similar coins sell for hundreds of dollars on eBay. I could probably get $400+ out of it easily, but I am keeping for my collection for now. It will likely increase in value anyway. I found lots of other good stuff at this sale, should make a good profit, and I had lots of fun looking through the tremendous quantity of all kinds of things.
Hmmmmmm. Tryptamine*Dreamer, this sounds to me like you're trying to paint yourself into a corner, pushing self-destruct buttons till you seem to only have one last big button left. Not showing up for the exam so you can label yourself a failure, dismissing professional help that
may be of some use if you can find the right therapist and right approach that works for you so you remain stuck where you are, destroying things of sentimental value as perhaps an outwardly symbolic show of proof of this inwardly destructive drive, closing your BL account so you can no longer reach out, or be reached out to. ( Your posts will remain BTW even if you do that, your family will still be able to read them unless you go through and delete every one. )
I recognise this behaviour. I've done it myself countless times, trying to burn bridges behind me and force myself to the point of suicide. You say things will never change. Rubbish. Things
ALWAYS change. Change is the
only thing in life you
can be certain of. What you mean is you're not sure how to make things change in the way that you want, but what you are doing is expending energy that could be put into making things change into making sure that they don't! Why are you doing that to yourself when you could be doing something better with that energy? Seriously, it's a serious question. I wonder if it's one you can properly answer? Perhaps it might be worth making the attempt.
I think you hit the nail right on the head, and I guess I have done this before too. I don't know why I did any of it. I had a strong hatred for myself for a long time, but I really don't feel that any more. I used to feel that I was a bad person, possibly with Antisocial Personality Disorder and Narcisistic Personality Disorder, but if I look at what I actually do, feel, and think, I really am not that kind of person and I don't feel that way about myself. I do have these negative thought processes that have been pretty much ingrained into my mind and have been very self-destructive since I was 11 or 12 years old.
I am not quite screwed in college - I must not get an F and must have a GPA for the semester of 2.0, It looks like I should still get a B in one class as long as I work at it and the other one I could make a C or more likely a D, but probably not an F if I complete all remaining assignments. It is possible that I'd be okay even if I get an F in the one class if I do well in the other, according to what I was told quite some time ago. In any case, I am now going to try to force myself t bust my ass and get the best grades I can get. I think I will be okay with college,\
I really have a strong desire to succeed at what is important to me, but it is like there is an opposing force.
I am majoring in wildlife biology and broadfield science and what I really want is to get that degree and use whatever abilities I have to improve the lives of animals. I really care about animals and I hope I can contribute something to the understanding of animals and their emotions - I believe higher animals have emotions and feel pain as strongly as we do, though not necessarily in the same way. If not research like that, I want to do something to make the world a better place, especially for animals as they are treated with such disrespect and cruelty throughout the world.
I really do not want to destroy my chance to do something meaningful like that. I know one person is not going to change things much, but anything to help is good.
I think you have good insight into what I have been doing (not surprising since you did the same type of thing) and your post was helpful - thanks
.
The sentimental items I destroyed are at least partially salvaged. They may be broken, but I still have them. When I was doing it, I just felt that it was something that would make suicide easier or drive me to it.
I was going to burn photos of pets that have died and I am really glad I did not do that - that would have caused me a lot of grief.
Somehow, the depression has gone. I hope more than you could probably know that this is going to last and is not just a good day and a not very bad one before that. Maybe I have Bipolar Disorder. I don't think it is normal for depression so severe to just end abruptly but it has happened to me before, just not quite this fast.
When I was wanting to die so bad, it really did feel hopeless and pointless and I was just extremely miserable in a way that is hard to describe as it was also affecting my body and my thought processes seemed altered in such a way that I was not as rational as usual. It was like I could not find hope, even though there is always some hope. I could not see it and I had trouble at times understanding that the depression could end or get better, just feeling it was a permanent state.
I know I have issues I need to sort out. Hopefully, I don't fall so low again. I know you and others wish the best for me. I wish the best for everyone who is suffering - there is a lot of pain on display in The Dark Side and some who may be permanently damaged (hopefully they improve or recover fully) - I am thinking about posts related to possible major neurotoxicity as I write this.
Maybe all the bad things I have been through could make me better. I think all the exposure to animal abuse and the part I played in it (I was told by parents to beat dogs to make them shut up many times and I started doing things I did not have to do to try to kill my feelings because I could not tolerate it.) has made me more caring toward animals and passionate about their rights and welfare than I would have been otherwise. There was much more trauma in my childhood including pretty much constant fear of being killed or my mom being killed by my dad for a long time, but it is what happened to the animals that affected me most.
I really do want to change these negative behaviors and thought patterns I have and I am going to try to figure out how to do so effectively.
