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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

How are you in one word ver. contagious smile

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tripnotyzm said:
feeling dead, emotionally numb & worthless. I don't deserve to have a life :(
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after reading tds for some time theres one thing i can tell for sure: you f****in do deserve to have a life!!!


word for me at the moment: i dont know
 
Creative. Just cashed in my penny jar and bought some new pens and have been drawing for hours with the windows open to let the beautiful weather in.

Now I want ice cream too. Well vegan ice cream. I real love that new coconut milk ice cream they make. But my old favorite is the mint chocolate chip rice dream sandwiches.
 
Ive never had those but they sound fucking prime.

Today is a much sunnier day, so im feeling kind of cheery which is nice
 
Nervous:
Job interview in 10 minutes. First interview in over a year (can't believe its been that long). Will update after.
 
Screwed

I don't see anyway to change it now.
Pretty much ruined everything. I didn't show up for my exam at college, so that means I get an F. That means I will probably be expelled - I already knew that would be a likely consequence.

Could have used the word suicidal as those feelings are getting stronger and I have also destroyed some of my possessions that had sentimental value and can't be replaced and now I am feeling worse about that.

Right now I am on the edge of something really bad. Thanks for anyone who cares (on Bluelight as well as offline) but there is nothing any of you can do and I don't really think I want anything done, I just want out of it and I see no way other than death because it has been a constant reccurrence of severe depression that has prevented me from getting anywhere with my education or holding down a job and it has been this way since I was a little kid. It will not change - I have known this for a long time.

I guess I have thought about professional help, but I won't be seeking it as I have had only very negative experiences with the mental health system.

I may delete my BL account soon if I decide to end things or maybe I'll just leave it open - I guess it does not matter. I might delete it just to make sure my family does not find it if/when I am gone. They might find personal things involving them I have talked about hurtful and I would not want that.
 
Hmmmmmm. Tryptamine*Dreamer, this sounds to me like you're trying to paint yourself into a corner, pushing self-destruct buttons till you seem to only have one last big button left. Not showing up for the exam so you can label yourself a failure, dismissing professional help that may be of some use if you can find the right therapist and right approach that works for you so you remain stuck where you are, destroying things of sentimental value as perhaps an outwardly symbolic show of proof of this inwardly destructive drive, closing your BL account so you can no longer reach out, or be reached out to. ( Your posts will remain BTW even if you do that, your family will still be able to read them unless you go through and delete every one. )

I recognise this behaviour. I've done it myself countless times, trying to burn bridges behind me and force myself to the point of suicide. You say things will never change. Rubbish. Things ALWAYS change. Change is the only thing in life you can be certain of. What you mean is you're not sure how to make things change in the way that you want, but what you are doing is expending energy that could be put into making things change into making sure that they don't! Why are you doing that to yourself when you could be doing something better with that energy? Seriously, it's a serious question. I wonder if it's one you can properly answer? Perhaps it might be worth making the attempt.

<3
 
my word: calm

T*D: please PM me before you do anything, ok? there's always light at the end of the tunnel. <3
 
Fucking Flooded!
Terrential down pour. Some areas on roads and parking lots are between 2-3ft deep of water. People don't know how to drive in these conditions apparently... idiots... job interview went smoothly though :D

T*D my my prayers go out to you. I wish there was more I could do for you.
 
A little better
Probably won't last, it has only been like 4 hours of not feeling bad
This is probably just one good morning in an otherwise unbroken string of bad days. I hope that is not the case..
 
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