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Question about Love

Lysis said:
I'm the same way fairnymph, but I try to keep myself grounded between love and crazy about someone. Being crazy about someone is a good precursor I think. You can freak someone out if you start talking love too early.
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Definitely important. I'm obsessive by nature and I learned the hard way that coming on too strong scares off guys more often than not. I restrain myself since learning that. I also lost my soulmate, and I'm not betting on finding another one, so at this point I'm content to just be with someone I love and get along well with, and who shares my goals in life.
 
Lysis said:
You can freak someone out if you start talking love too early.
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Yeah, I'm kind of that person. I think I'm a bit cynical when it comes to love and I could never take a guy seriously if he told me he loved me before we'd been together for at least 3 months or so. I've only been in love once and I did have a lot of feelings for him literally from the first time I saw him, and I thought it was love at the time but after we'd been together for ~5-6 months and I'd started developing other feelings I realised it was really just a strong crush. Not to say I'm right about the whole thing, at all. It takes me a lot of time to get attached to people in general so maybe that's why. Anyway...OP might just be experiencing that this time.
 
fairnymph said:
I also lost my soulmate, and I'm not betting on finding another one
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I know that feel.


Its also an age thing. People don't get younger. Chances to meet new people slim- and you come to realize that fact.

Its never the same as when you meet someone when you're young. lol.

I'm not even old, but thinking back: THOSE WERE THE GOOD OLD DAYS...
 
Giog said:
To address the poster above: I got my undergrad in Chemistry and I am not yet 100% set on graduate school, but I am pretty sure I want to become a Food Science PhD candidate. By going to graduate school I can extend my stay in the states, without having to worry about visa issues. Shit's complicated, yeah.

Also, I wouldn't mind being a professor. It's a career path I've been considering for a while now.
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I've worked for a large food science company in the past and I currently work for a bio tech in the medical device field. Its a jungle out there and nothing is guaranteed.

The whole higher ed. thing is fucked up now (IMO) in terms of costs and relation to the actual nature of jobs in industry and pay structures so I'm generally curious as to how other people are naviagating through things.

I'm jaded and negative though, so I guess best of luck to you... but generally, I think higher edu. is a scam of the highest degree and too few people take issue with it.

All I hear is STEM, STEM, STEM, STEM, STEM is the answer but I'm in a position on the front line to see that its already not the answer but as they say,
"it is what it is..."
 
nooneanymore said:
I know that feel.

Its also an age thing. People don't get younger. Chances to meet new people slim- and you come to realize that fact.

Its never the same as when you meet someone when you're young. lol.

I'm not even old, but thinking back: THOSE WERE THE GOOD OLD DAYS...
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Sadly, this is all too true. I'm 32 now and bedridden much of the time - so my opportunities are really limited. I'm so sorry you know how it feels. <3 I'm glad I got 5 years with him, but not a day goes by that I don't miss him. I actually miss him more now than I did right after he died. I've learned how much I lost, how rare what we had was. How irreplaceable. It doesn't help that I've become crippled since. :\
 
fairnymph said:
Sadly, this is all too true. I'm 32 now and bedridden much of the time - so my opportunities are really limited. I'm so sorry you know how it feels. <3 I'm glad I got 5 years with him, but not a day goes by that I don't miss him. I actually miss him more now than I did right after he died. I've learned how much I lost, how rare what we had was. How irreplaceable. It doesn't help that I've become crippled since. :\
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This could split off into the, "I lost my true love thread." I'm 39 and the love of my life died in July, the day before we were going to apply for a marriage license. I'm thinking the odds of finding that again are slim and none. But after having that kind of love, nothing else would be enough. Imagining being alone for the rest of my life is depressing, but I'm not ready yet and by the time I am it'll probably be too late. But...

I did have something to say that was relevant to the OP. When I was first with my late fiance, I was crazy in love with him from day one. It took me a few months to admit it, but I was. He was a very closed off type person. (He spent 16 years in prison.) So for a long time I was afraid that he was pretty much where you're at. I thought he likes me alot and enjoys my company, but he's not crazy stupid in love the way I am. And for the first year while we were "friends with benefits," I can't say if I was right or not. But I know that at the time I wished he would just tell me that so I could start getting over him before it got harder. But after a year of me being there for him without fail through alot of very hard stuff, he eventually told me I was amazing and that he wasn't about to let me go ever. So maybe Love does grow over time? Sometimes we don't even realize how much we love someone until we're faced with the possibility of them not being a part of our life anymore.
 
Shit.

She cheated on me and then came over crying. Didn't know what to tell her. She broke up with me because she felt too guilty and felt that she was not good enough for me.

Shit.
 
Giog said:
Shit.

She cheated on me and then came over crying. Didn't know what to tell her. She broke up with me because she felt too guilty and felt that she was not good enough for me.

Shit.
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She's trying to make you sympathise with her. Kind of sounds like she's manipulating you tbh :\ considering you already had your doubts about the relationship, I would have a good long think about whether it's worth forgiving her for this. She certainly shouldn't be putting you in any kind of position where you're supposed to comfort her about cheating on you though, that's simply ridiculous.

It happens Giog, sadly. Try to at least find solace in the fact that this was someone you weren't even sure about in the first place. There will be others more deserving of you <3
 
Yeah, you know, I didn't really know what to do. First time someone has cheated on me. I told her that there really isn't much for me to say or do. You(her) messed up and I am not sure right now how to deal with it. I have always noticed that she would try to manipulate me with her emotions and actions. I can't believe she slept with this dick that I met the night before. I'm generally upset because I expected more from her and this genuinely makes me feel bad for her. It's like she was asking for all of this. I care about her as much as I care about most people. I want the best for her and it hurts me a lot to see her act this way. I don't think I could ever be with her again. I also don't think she will even try to approach me any more. As shitty and as much as this entire experience hurt, this ending really is for the best.

I certainly appreciate all of the advice and help that was provided. It amazes me that from the beginning I always felt that there was something preventing me from becoming very attached to her. Perhaps it is a combination of my history (lack of trust) of women with a bit of intuition. I really wanted a relationship. Now.....
 
It sounds like you're handling the situation quite maturely and quite well. I almost feel like saying that the fact that you're not (or at least, you don't appear to be) all that mad at her is a clear sign that this isn't really a relationship worth fighting for. Sometimes the two people just aren't right for each other, sadly. You were unlucky enough to end up with someone who hurt you like this but don't give up faith on women as a whole. Plenty of great ones out there with whom you won't have to question the validity of your feelings from the start, much less worry about being cheated on.
 
Pagey said:
It sounds like you're handling the situation quite maturely and quite well. I almost feel like saying that the fact that you're not (or at least, you don't appear to be) all that mad at her is a clear sign that this isn't really a relationship worth fighting for. Sometimes the two people just aren't right for each other, sadly. You were unlucky enough to end up with someone who hurt you like this but don't give up faith on women as a whole. Plenty of great ones out there with whom you won't have to question the validity of your feelings from the start, much less worry about being cheated on.
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Thanks Pagey. Your statements certainly ring true.

Regarding my maturity: It's easy for me to maintain a certain degree of objectivity and rational online (in writing), but of course, I am not as emotionally stable as I appear. I'm doing my best not to make a big deal out of this and just move on, but I also understand that I have to discuss this situation with myself and give it time to pass. In the end, I appreciate more than I can possibly express through writing, the sort of support online forums such as these can provide. The smallest reply allows me to become more introspective about certain issues. I only hope to contribute to this forum as much as I have been helped.

If anyone cares to know, I'll be posting on here if anything changes with this situation. I'm kind of slow to react to most things, so I really don't know how it will play out or how I will feel about it all in the weeks that follow.

@Pagey - You're a sweetheart and I hope you find some peace within yourself and your family.
 
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I'm glad to hear you've been finding the help you were looking for here on BL. Just remember that although staying calm and level-headed about the whole thing may at first seem like the best thing to do, it's also very unhealthy and harmful in the long-run to keep any negative feelings bottled up - if you're hurt and angry about all this (which anyone would be), let it out! I find that intense exercise and writing letters you never send/writing in general are good ways to do that. In any case, good luck with everything - and thank you btw :)
 
cheerio said:
It happens to all of us Lysis, not just the best!
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Tell me about it. It's hard as fuck. :\

Yeah, you know, I didn't really know what to do. First time someone has cheated on me. I told her that there really isn't much for me to say or do. You(her) messed up and I am not sure right now how to deal with it. I have always noticed that she would try to manipulate me with her emotions and actions. I can't believe she slept with this dick that I met the night before. I'm generally upset because I expected more from her and this genuinely makes me feel bad for her. It's like she was asking for all of this. I care about her as much as I care about most people. I want the best for her and it hurts me a lot to see her act this way. I don't think I could ever be with her again. I also don't think she will even try to approach me any more. As shitty and as much as this entire experience hurt, this ending really is for the best.

I certainly appreciate all of the advice and help that was provided. It amazes me that from the beginning I always felt that there was something preventing me from becoming very attached to her. Perhaps it is a combination of my history (lack of trust) of women with a bit of intuition. I really wanted a relationship. Now.....
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You know, maybe a little part of you was being guarded because you knew you couldn't trust her. There has to be some kind of trust, and sometimes that little man on our shoulder is telling you something is up and you can't trust the person. If you're guarded (which you sound like you are), that's all it takes to put a wall up.
 
The girl I was kind of seeing (read travelling to meet and have sex with her a couple of times) decided to kiss someone else in front of me at the weekend. High five to the feeling like shit crew!
 
As someone with anxiety/depression/OCD/other issues, I can still experience the euphoria that comes with falling in love like anyone without those disorders would. With severe depression it might be different.

The initial falling in love phase is very distinct and drug-like; you know it when you feel it. If you're not feeling it with this girl, be honest. Take things slowly and don't force it or lie about your feelings. Let her know what you're going through emotionally so she can understand if you're not always as elated as she is.

Relationships take work and understanding. The "falling for each other" phase ALWAYS wears off, which is when you find out how strong your connection really is. Try not to put so much emphasis on this feeling and go w/ the flow. Sounds like you just need to focus on yourself for a minute.
 
Does anyone else do this after a breakup? I've been glued to my phone, since the break up, in hopes that she contacts me again. I don't even know what I'd do, what she would say, what I would reply - but I just want to hear from her. I distinctly remember doing the same thing the last time I had a relationship end. It's rather annoying, especially because I find myself wondering why I want to hear back from her so badly. I'm sure there are others here who do this as well?

sorry omen_owen mk2, that's really shitty.
@Lady Codone: It's quite a relief to hear that. I was wondering if I had lost that ability.
 
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