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Question about Love

G

Giog

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 2, 2010
Messages
202
I want to preface this thread by stating that I am in my early 20s and that I have not had more than a handful of relationships. The two times in my teens that I fell in love - it was instant. I saw her > was very excited > immediately was hooked (not hard when they are gorgeous). Both times the relationship did not work out, because of me. Needless to say, I still love one of them very much to this day. I am now in my 20s, arguably more mature, and also far more jaded. I find that since I work full time I have very little time to myself.

The real question, or reason, for making this thread is that I have no longer had those same feelings for anyone since. I have met a few girls, out of the blue, that I really liked at first, but then got over them and honestly did not really care if I ever spoke to them again. I find it much easier to let women go.

Presently, I have been with someone for almost four months now. We met through a dating website and I dig her quite a bit. She has spent numerous weekends over at my house. It was quite easy to "obtain" her - there was never a challenge. She recently confessed to loving me. I am not sure how I feel. I am so anxious and stressed for most of my waking hours that I honestly have a hard time feeling joy or love. Again, I do LIKE her, and I find her attractive, but I am not crazy in love about her. Will that change with time? Does love take some time to form? Or am I wasting this girls time? I can't say this enough, but she really is a nice, caring, and cool girl. She loves me for who I am, which I really appreciate, because although I find myself very handsome, I do have quite a bit of an acne problem. She is also incredibly intimate, which I adore, because I too am very intimate.

Basically what I am asking is - Why don't I love her? Does love take time to form? Is anxiety and stress hindering me? Do I even want to be in a relationship? (Answer: I love spending my weekends by myself, with friends, playing basketball, drinking, hanging out, etc.)(I have my eye on Graduate school next year and I should start studying for the GREs - even less time).

God, I'm stressed and could use some love help. Sorry about the unfocused thread! All the help is very much appreciated!
 
Sometimes it just takes time. 4 months isn't too long. I didn't know I loved my bf until 6 months! Or maybe it was a year. Haha. :P Don't worry so much! Just let it flow..
 
Love takes time to form and grow for most. Do you think a flower instantly spurts out of the ground when planted and is immediatly surrounded by countless honey bees waiting to sample its pollen? No,it takes time for the flower to grow,produce pollen,and attract bees. However, there are indeed those few who are the exception and fall for one another at first glance.

Maybe you just aren't allowing yourself to open up and be capable of love because you still blame yourself for the loss of love you have experienced. You wont be able to love till you let go of that one who got away and use what you learned during that time to make future relationships better and more stable. Let go and let love in man!

Pariahprose
 
thats a tough one to answer. I went through a year after two horrible back to back break ups wondering why I couldn't feel love towards any of my romantic prospects. And then, out of the blue, I felt it full force towards the most unexpected of people and wish I hadn't. Love is a weird thing with no explainations
 
In my humble opinion, I would actually propose a counter to the notion that this specific relationship will potentially blossom into something more.

Whilst love can certainly develop over time, and sometimes requires said time to engage the necessary prerequisites, I actually think that in this specific example, you won't develop any stronger feelings for her than you do now.
I could be entirely wrong here, so please don't feel I am insinuating this as the only likelihood.

Given the fact you begin your post with a relay to past loves, one of whom you admit to still being in love with, and given the tone of the remainder of the post seeming slightly like you are attempting to justify the potential to feel more for her, I would confidently say you should end it now as you are quite possibly wasting her time, as you put it.

Again, I may be wrong. Just my £2.85.
 
Sartre did say 'there is no love but one that is built'. Ie. yes, love takes time to form. It's perfectly normal and nothing to worry about. Not being in love with her after 4 months really isn't anything exceptional (and nothing you should worry about either), although I can imagine the fact that she is does create a bit of a problem. I think you need to stop obsessing over it so much! Your feelings will come when they will, there's no right time. If you feel happier with her, stay with her but don't feel like you 'have to' or 'should be' in love with her. These things take time.
 
You should most certainly stay with her at least until the 6 month mark, absolutely.

I just personally can't see it developing given the tone of the post, and my gut instinct but yeah.

I was extremely lucky having met my soul mate...we both completely and utterly fell in love the moment the first night we met. The feelings we had then haven't even remotely waned in any way, that was most certainly love at first sight.
This is hilarious, coming from somebody who for all of his life said "love at first sight" is complete nonsense. I get it now! :)

OP, try and facilitate the development of the relationship by taking things a little further, getting more intimate, organising a couple days away together or something. Basically something to develop it whilst reflecting your feelings.
 
attempt4 said:
In my humble opinion, I would actually propose a counter to the notion that this specific relationship will potentially blossom into something more.

Whilst love can certainly develop over time, and sometimes requires said time to engage the necessary prerequisites, I actually think that in this specific example, you won't develop any stronger feelings for her than you do now.
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Pretty_Diamonds said:
Sometimes it just takes time. 4 months isn't too long. I didn't know I loved my bf until 6 months! Or maybe it was a year. Haha. :P Don't worry so much! Just let it flow..
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Don't lead her on. Don't tell her you love her yet. It does take time to develop love. I'm thinking, four months after I started seeing my boyfriend, I definitely knew I liked him a lot but I wasn't sure about love! I think it took us until about six or so months (approximately). Maybe a bit more.

As long as you like her, keep seeing her. If it doesn't develop into more, that's okay, it happens. Just relax about it. It DOES take time, yes.

Some people (her) develop feelings faster than others.
 
Giog said:
I have my eye on Graduate school next year and I should start studying for the GREs - even less time).

appreciated!
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grad school in what? ...unless one wants to be a prof or researcher I don't understand why someone would want to go to grad school.
 
nooneanymore said:
grad school in what? ...unless one wants to be a prof or researcher I don't understand why someone would want to go to grad school.
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A lot of great advice here, thanks guys. I made this thread because I wanted the opinion of older, wiser, and generally, more experienced bluelighters.

I do indeed like her. We don't share an abundance of things in common, but a few key ones, like music and art. My biggest fear? (which is tied to my anxiety and stress) To lose precious time over someone I don't love. I am here in the states on a tight schedule and if I am to succeed here I need to dedicate a lot of my time to work/study. I am currently working full time. To address the poster above: I got my undergrad in Chemistry and I am not yet 100% set on graduate school, but I am pretty sure I want to become a Food Science PhD candidate. By going to graduate school I can extend my stay in the states, without having to worry about visa issues. Shit's complicated, yeah.

Also, I wouldn't mind being a professor. It's a career path I've been considering for a while now.

@llama: It took her all night and then into the morning, for her to finally confess she loved me. She kept trying to say it, but would not be clear with me. When she finally said it I comforted her, but did not say much else. I told her to be patient with me later that day. I could tell it bothered her that I didn't say it back. I also told her she didn't need to tell me as I already knew. I really did.
 
I have never fell in love at first sight. Lust? Plenty of times but never love. Love takes time to develop & if you care about her it is a good start. It is not uncommon for one partner to fall in love before the other one does in a relationship so don't worry about it. I will say that when you are deeply in love & in sync together it is the most special feeling in the world.
 
Giog said:
A lot of great advice here, thanks guys. I made this thread because I wanted the opinion of older, wiser, and generally, more experienced bluelighters.

I do indeed like her. We don't share an abundance of things in common, but a few key ones, like music and art. My biggest fear? (which is tied to my anxiety and stress) To lose precious time over someone I don't love. I am here in the states on a tight schedule and if I am to succeed here I need to dedicate a lot of my time to work/study. I am currently working full time.
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You really really shouldn't ever think about a relationship as a waste of time. It's a very unhealthy way to view things IMO. It'll make you stress out over nothing while you're in it, and it'll just make you depressed if/when you get out of it. Whether it works out or not, no relationship's a waste of time since it'll help you mature towards making your next one better. Just try to chill about the whole situation and I'm sure things will improve drastically :)
 
My biggest fear? (which is tied to my anxiety and stress) To lose precious time over someone I don't love.
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awww, so true. I've thought about that too. Who wants to waste their time with someone who isn't worth it? But, I wouldn't say a relationship that fell through is a complete waste of time. I've dated some great men, and even though a couple of them broke my heart, we still talk occasionally and they have made me a better person because what went wrong with them has helped me identify my faults.

One of my ex BFs who broke my heart showed up in my gchat a few days ago, and we got to talk about his latest lost love (I'm such a sucker for the emo!). He has the same attitude that he doesn't want to waste time either, but he had a great time with her and learned a lot about himself. He's still broken hearted, but he'll get over it soon enough. Same will happen to you if you fall in love and it doesn't work out. Happens to the best of us.
 
Giog said:
My biggest fear? (which is tied to my anxiety and stress) To lose precious time over someone I don't love.
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You learn from every relationship - successful or not. Don't worry about this. Even if this relationship doesn't work out, it's a good experience. You're not losing precious time. You're gaining experience and knowledge. And, if you're having a good time with her, what's the problem? Even if you don't end up with her for the rest of your life - at least you enjoyed her company and enjoyed the time with her. And if you do end up with her? Then that works too!

Giog said:
@llama: It took her all night and then into the morning, for her to finally confess she loved me. She kept trying to say it, but would not be clear with me. When she finally said it I comforted her, but did not say much else. I told her to be patient with me later that day. I could tell it bothered her that I didn't say it back. I also told her she didn't need to tell me as I already knew. I really did.
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Yeah, saying "I love you" is hard. I'm sure it really hurt her that you did not say it back to her. Don't feel pressured to say it. Just let her know it takes time. Show her that you care about her (actions speak louder than words). An issue where one person "loves" the other person first should not be "break up" type material. You should be able to get through it, if that's what you both want. Take some time. But she probably does feel a bit hurt that you didn't say it back. But you do care about her, so make sure you show that, as long as you are still into her.
 
Love is mysterious. You can't make it happen. It just happens.
That's why Cupid is depicted as having arrows.
Get hit by an arrow and you're no longer in control of your life.
She's nice, etc. But are you in love? No you are not and nothing will really change that.
One theory says that love has something to do with compatible immune systems.
Maybe...
Pursue your goals but don't hurt this young woman more than you have to.
 
I wouldn't fret over it too much. Just do what makes you happy. When you meet the right person you will just know, there won't be a question.
 
Apparently I'm in the minority here, but IME the truest, deepest, most passionate and lasting love is pretty much immediate. For me, there's a big difference between 'being in love' and 'loving someone'. The very few times I've been in love, it happened in a matter of weeks. It was an unstoppable force, and it felt like fate. I've loved far more men than I've been in love with; love that has grown from affection and friendship. But if I don't feel instant attraction and I'm not obsessed with the guy after the first few dates, I will never feel that intense sort of love for him.

I think being in love is largely chemical, so if you don't have that reaction at first, you won't ever. That doesnt necessarily mean you should dump someone you like and enjoy, or love but aren't in love with. It really depends on what you're looking for. If you know or suspect you won't ever fall in love with someone, and you are craving that level of connection and won't feel content without it, the relationship is probably doomed. Especially if the other person has fallen in love with you. Serious differences in degree of affection never turn out well IME.
 
I'm the same way fairnymph, but I try to keep myself grounded between love and crazy about someone. Being crazy about someone is a good precursor I think. You can freak someone out if you start talking love too early.
 
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