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Anger/Envy & Bitterness being Single

Get2Think

Get2Think

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 23, 2012
Messages
297
Location
The West
So I don't want a girlfriend. I'm a senior in college and have way too much burdens on me right now to take care of a girl and give her the time she deserves. But at the same time I do want one. I think about sex everyday and I just can't stop but feeling envious and bitter when I see couples together. I look at the guy and think to myself "what the fuck is so great about him, I'm just as handsome and charming."

I then feel this deep anger and bitterness towards the girl for choosing another man who is not me. I don't know if this is an ADD thing, or a spiritual thing, or just a normal male feeling. But it's rooted in fear and insecurity and I really feel ashamed for feeling this way. I'm 27 and have had over 10 lovers, and one relationship that lasted 4 years. I've had girls tell me I'm cute, but it's never enough. I sometimes get these feelings that I'll never find my spouse and to just say "fuck women, their all golddiggers, to hell with them."

I live in a very prosperous city in California. I can't help but notice all these materialistic highly attractive women with rich men. I feel a lot of pressure to graduate college and make money so that I can have sex again "breed." Being 27, broke, living at home with no car, it's so easy to blame my lack of a love life on my lack of money, and not my personality or who iam as a person. I know there are down-to-earth non-materialistic girls out there who are attractive but not golddiggers or shallow/vain. I have dated wonderful girls in the past who didn't care what car I drived or how much money I had. I have a wonderful mother and sister that aren't like that.

Than why do I feel this bitterness towards women when they don't make eye contact with me on the street or are on the arm of some other guy. What does he have that I don't? Why do I sometimes want to just write these california girls off and focus on my own life and spending money on myself. Live the bachelors life for example. I see these girls my age with these guys in their 30's and 40's and it makes me really angry. These guys probley have good jobs and homes and educations and all this shit that I don't.

I can't help but see the whole mating game on a very animalistic level. Girls instinctly want to marry/mate with alpha guys who can provide the highest level of security or comfort. I never see beutiful blonde women on the arms of blue-collar poor guys. What happened to loving someone for who they are, not what they have? I guess because I'm so low on the totem pole I feel threatened/insecure/ and fearful the older I get.

Money/owning a home/ a steady job, never used to matter when it came to relationships but all of a sudden it's a big effin deal. My generation just seems so vain and materialistic that they are all trying to find a guy who can take care of them. And I get that, it makes sense.

I have been single going on 2 years now and don't want a relationship right now and haven't pursued anyone but still I feel this insane need for attention. It's like without my good looks I'm nothing. I'm also working so hard running/exercising/ saving money, etc. because I feel I need all these things to be an eligible bachelor. I walk around stinking of desperation and have very low self-confidence.
 
Anger - envy and bitterness - these don't sound like very charming quialities now do they?

As long as your vibrations are bad, you will not get what you truly want.

It also sounds like you don't know what you want, except a good fuck.

I suggest you Go and get it instead of moaning, brother.

I reckon you see the dating game on an animalistic level, because that is how it is portrayed, especially in America - we are conditioned to believe that unless we are an alpha male we cannot get teh woman we want - this is bullshit, but it has worked on you because you feel inferior.

I give this advice time and time again here - even though every case is different, I see many young guys like you, like me, who just don't get it...until they get it - be passionate about what you do in life, don't spend too much time thinking about other people - they are too wrapped up in themselves; do your thing, progress on every level, and keep the small talk annd flirting up with as many people as you can. Stop asking yourself what they have that you don't - you know the answer, and obviously overanalysis is not helping you out, but you persist in doing it.

GO OUT, GET ACTIVE.
 
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Yes, I see a lot of different layers of angst in your post.

On the surface,you have the "I want a girlfriend but I don't want one" issue...

Then you have feelings of anger and jealousy towards people in relationships. All you are seeing is what is on the surface with those relationships. If you truly want one for your own, you will have to go out and find it.

Then feelings of wariness towards what you see as shallow, materialistic women. I have to say that you are living in a microcosm....women are generally not like that at all where I am...there are probably a good number of women who are not like that where you are, too. You just have to find them....

What I am trying to say, I guess, is that on the surface your post is about not having a girlfriend when you may be wanting one. But there are so many other layers that you have to work through first because your thought patterns on women and relationships seems a little fucked up. I think you might have some issues...
 
The second sentence sounds like your talking about getting a puppy. You're not.

If you think it takes money to get a quality girlfriend, you might need to change your mindset. Who wants a gold digger? Find a girl that you love and who loves you for who you both are, not for what you make or have.
You'll find it works better that way.
 
I think dealing with the many issues that come through in your thread would do you a lot of good. You seem to have some sort of feeling of inadequacy that mutates into anger, bitterness, and misogyny. Work on yourself and the other things in you're life you're not satisfied with, like your financial situation. Once you learn to accept yourself you'll also come to realize you don't need other people's everpresent acceptance.
Also, considering you're basically calling all women materialistic and shallow I can assure you the fact that you're single might not come from the fact that you're not rich, but rather from your personality.
Don't over-compensate on the arrogance just because you've got low self-esteem. It's really not gonna help.
 
Thanks for everyones input, I read all the responses and appreciate the advice and suggestions. I clearly stated that not all women are materialistic "I know there are down-to-earth non-materialistic girls out there who are attractive but not golddiggers or shallow/vain."

My thinking is messed up like many of you have pointed out, and it's better I stay alone until I'm able to work out these issues. It's very hard after having sex constantly for 4 years with a girl who was my best friend and then experiences heart break for the first time. It's been 2 years and I guess I'm still damaged. Reading back over my post from earlier it's quite plain to see that. I only have 104 days sober and have kind of had to re-learn everything about life.
 
Congrats on being sober for 104 days! That is an amazing accomplishment. You might be too hard on yourself, given your re-learning process. Be patient!! I know you want it all now but go easy on yourself. You've been through a lot and you have the whole rest of your life ahead of you.

When was the last time you got laid? Honestly, not having sex can create huge internal blocks. I agree that there are other issues that need sorting but sometimes lack of sexual activity causes a spiraling negative attitude. Although, I guess it will just happen when it happens.

Jealousy is a form of fear that relates to loss. When you look at other people and feel jealousy or envy, it is still rooted in perceiving that you are lacking. That vibration of "lack" emanates from you, and that's why women aren't attracted to you. It has nothing to do with your socioeconomic status, but the vibes you are putting off. When I'm partnered or at least having good regular sex, a lot more people approach me than when I am single and feeling desperate. Your demeanor changes. I've also had partners while I've been completely broke with barely any furniture in my home, but I decided it didn't matter and that made me more at ease. Looking at who certain women are with and drawing hasty conclusions is just falling for assumptions. How do you know that it's just women digging rich guys? You don't know what their private world is like, or why they're really into each other.

You need to lighten up. Stop focusing on what you don't have. Focusing on lack creates more lack. Try to reframe your thoughts toward abundance. Look at what you do have. Rekindle your passions, whatever they may be. Debunk these negative thoughts with straight logic. When you think you know what you're seeing, ask yourself if what you're thinking is really the truth? You'll know if it is because there will be clear evidence. (Treat it like a court case.) If you don't have the evidence then you need to let it go. You are a much better person without those thoughts anyway.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
You should learn how to be happy being single before trying to be with someone.
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This is soooo true! You've gotta be happy with yourself before you should try and be with someone. Also ... confidence! Once you become happy with yourself, you gain more confidence, which attracts more people in general.

I honestly don't know how to help you stop thinking all females are materialistic. You seem to know they aren't in one way but then you still think they are. Yeah of course there are lots of girls who are materialistic, but not all women are. You seem to kind of understand that as you have had past girlfriends who weren't, and your family isn't.

As for females always being with successful guys, at least from what you've seen ... what person in general wants to be with someone who has no future ahead of them? Who doesn't do anything with their life? Who lives in their parents basement for the rest of their lives? That doesn't seem fun. That being said ... you're in college. You are doing something with your life. You're not a super successful, super wealthy guy right now. But people don't start off like that. You're going to college which shows you have ambition, motivation, etc. Which shows you do plan on going somewhere with your life. People don't automatically become a success. It takes time.

I dated my boyfriend throughout college, when he was really poor. I was making more than both of us for about a year. Then he graduated, now he's making a bit more than me. That's not the important part though. I met him in college. Most college students aren't successful and rich ... otherwise why are they still in college, right? But it showed that he had drive. He didn't plan on living with his parents and doing nothing for the rest of his life. Of course I don't want to be 50 and dating a guy who has no job and home. But, like I said, it takes time to work up to that "successful" point in your life. So keep working on it. Concentrate on school, like you're doing, and go from there.
 
I have three bits:
1.) I think this was a very ballsy post--and I mean that in a good way. I suspect many more people feel this way than are willing to admit.

2.) Your situation isn't that bad; I can assure you that I'll have less sex over the next 50 years than you had in one month with your old squeeze. As Seneca once wrote, to feel better about yourself, look at the people behind you, not in front of you. ;)

3.) I'll post an excerpt from a Cracked.com article that's been rolling over in my head for weeks, ever since I first read it:

So how about this: one year. The end of 2013, that's our deadline. Or a year from whenever you read this. While other people are telling you "Let's make a New Year's resolution to lose 15 pounds this year!" I'm going to say let's pledge to do fucking anything -- add any skill, any improvement to your human tool set, and get good enough at it to impress people. Don't ask me what -- hell, pick something at random if you don't know. Take a class in karate, or ballroom dancing, or pottery. Learn to bake. Build a birdhouse. Learn massage. Learn a programming language. Film a porno. Adopt a superhero persona and fight crime. Start a YouTube vlog. Write for Cracked.

But the key is, I don't want you to focus on something great that you're going to make happen to you ("I'm going to find a girlfriend, I'm going to make lots of money ..."). I want you to purely focus on giving yourself a skill that would make you ever so slightly more interesting and valuable to other people.

"I don't have the money to take a cooking class." Then fucking Google "how to cook." They've even filtered out the porn now, it's easier than ever. Damn it, you have to kill those excuses. Or they will kill you.
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http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person_p2/

The whole article is worth reading...
 
First off, I can say for sure that the envy and bitterness is not at all unusual. Somewhat immature? Maybe, but unfortunately not unusual.

The issue I'm seeing here though is what you personally are attaching to women and what having one be with you means. Don't let douches like Hugh Hefner or stupid beer ads fool you into believing that somehow being with a pretty girl magically makes you worthwhile, that women are like badges of honor to be worn in order to elicit respect from your fellow humans. Self worth does not come from material possessions, it comes from yourself; the money and women are a side effect, not the source. There's specifically where I believe the problem is; your own perceived self worth.

It looks like perhaps you're stuck in a common cycle; you seek to gain self confidence from being successful with women, and yet what women find attractive is being assertive and self confident, so with that line of thinking there is no way to win.

Look at it this way: Do you think those guys these women are strolling around with are worried about other guys being better than them? I can bet, no, I can fucking guarantee you that they aren't, because that's what makes a person successful not only with women, but with people in general; you can't just hope you're worthwhile, you need to know it. You need to be able to look at these women and not think "Why not me?", but instead laugh to yourself and think "That poor, silly girl doesn't know what the fuck she's missing". That's what these guys you're looking at would be thinking, and that's how you need to think.

So long story short, this is 100% in your head. The money and shit? That doesn't mean anything. The only reason that it intimidates you is because of the meaning you attach to it.
Therefore, although I don't know you, I can absolutely guarantee you that if you get your head straight that suddenly these guys won't seem like such hotshots anymore, and you won't care what women they're with because A) you'd know that this chump isn't offering anything you couldn't, and B) the women you'd be getting attention from would be just as fine and, if you can cultivate confidence without arrogance, would probably be way more fun to be around.
 
Foreigner said:
Jealousy is a form of fear that relates to loss. When you look at other people and feel jealousy or envy, it is still rooted in perceiving that you are lacking. That vibration of "lack" emanates from you, and that's why women aren't attracted to you. It has nothing to do with your socioeconomic status, but the vibes you are putting off. When I'm partnered or at least having good regular sex, a lot more people approach me than when I am single and feeling desperate. Your demeanor changes. I've also had partners while I've been completely broke with barely any furniture in my home, but I decided it didn't matter and that made me more at ease. Looking at who certain women are with and drawing hasty conclusions is just falling for assumptions. How do you know that it's just women digging rich guys? You don't know what their private world is like, or why they're really into each other.

You need to lighten up. Stop focusing on what you don't have. Focusing on lack creates more lack. Try to reframe your thoughts toward abundance. Look at what you do have. Rekindle your passions, whatever they may be. Debunk these negative thoughts with straight logic. When you think you know what you're seeing, ask yourself if what you're thinking is really the truth? You'll know if it is because there will be clear evidence. (Treat it like a court case.) If you don't have the evidence then you need to let it go. You are a much better person without those thoughts anyway.
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Ja. Great post - all so true.
 
Wow I am so glad I gave this thread another chance. After the first few comments I felt so embarassed for the things I had said that I chose to not return anymore to this thread. But I'm glad I did, foreigner, llama112, bela, and uber your advice and comments is so stellar and I ate up every word of it. I want to make a couple of quick points that might better explain my messed-up thought process.

1) I live in a very unusual part of the world. I live in southern california in a town full of highly educated, beautiful, privledged, rich people. This can cause a lot of unneeded anxiety and jealousy because I'm constantly surrounded by people with waaaay more material wealth than I am. And that leads to me thinking.... well maybe if I had that bmw or that range rover I would be more attractive. I ask myself, "if I owned a home in this uber expensive real estate market, how would women respond to me out at the bars." The only very hot blonde girl I banged was after a night out in the bars I lied to her and told her that I was on town in business and that I owned a string of medical marijuana shops. Sleazy... I know, drunk...yes... desperate to fuck a sexy ass california blonde girl for the first time... yes. And I did... and honestly it was meh, a big disapointment, she was a 9/10 but about a 3/10 in bed, she just layed there and eventually I got bored of doing a push up so just went to bed before finishing.

2) People telling me I'm suppose to be happy with myself? I am happy with myself! Does this mean I have to be happy everyday and just beam with happyness? No, it shouldn't. I talk to people out in public and always wave or ask how their day is going. I constantly approach attractive women and make small talk to practice my skills. I am a communications major, and my future job depends a big part on how good of a communicator I am.

3) I still lack self confidence and self-esteem. I don't know if it was the drugs that did this to me, or my lifelong struggle with ADD, or being bullied and unpopular in High School. But for whatever reason, I carry myself with no self-confidence and people notice. At least my friends did when I asked them.

4) I'm not a virgin and have been popular with the ladies in the past, from 20-25 I got a fair amount of ass. Then I hit a brick wall. I haven't had good sex in almost 2 years now. The sex stream was just turned off. This was after 4 years of fucking like a rabbit with my main squeeze who is now gone. I can't tell you how badly I miss sex and have to constantly jerk it so that I don't loose my mind. I'm also on Wellbutrin which sky rockets my libido! So why don't I just go out to a bar or have a one night stand? I can't for 2 reasons. 1) When I got sober I gave my life to Jesus, and I told him I would give up fornication in order to have his help keeping me sober (I couldn't do it alone). 2) Sex without love is just lame, although right now I wouldn't mind it. It's so stupid but I feel like I'll never get to have sex again, my mind twells me these ridiculous lies that play on my emotions.

5) I have a major baby-face and look very young for my age. I'm 27 but can pass for 19. Some girls dig it, but I think most girls (especially ones my age) pass on me because I look like their younger brother. I'm very cute and soft looking. Which is good, and bad, but people tell me it will pay off when I'm 40.

6) Okay this is getting too long so I'll just leave with this. I guess the point of this thread was for me to put into words how I've been feeling. I HATE feeling envious and constantly like I'm always lacking. I like myself but I'm not always happy with myself and I do have a few pysical flaws that bother me and play with my emotions. I try not to be a complainer whiner but this thread is full of "woe is me, wah wah wah" and for that I apologize. Let me reiterate that I'm only a few months sober and as a result my emotions and thinking is all over the place. It's a daily struggle to be single, to be sober, and to face these insecurities and emotions instead of drinking them away. Booze use to be my cover for all this stuff.

I'm a naturally introverted person and I don't have many friends and hardly ever go out places. I spend most of my time with my parents and at home reading or on the computer. I know my personality isn't that great, and I do have an ego problem (demi-god complex) thinking I deserve stuff. I have a hard time just being friends with women. Like my ex girlfriend said, "evan (thats me) you have no female friends because with you, it's pussy or nothing." This hit hard because it exposed me for who I actually am, a womanizer. I like the idea of having a female friend but I always try to become friends with attractive women and then I end up wanting to fuck them and then it ruins everything. Honestly I think I'm the shallow one. I wish I could learn to appreciate having a close female friend without the sex involved. Because my thinking has always been, without the pussy why bother.

This is some very personal feelings and thoughts I'm sharing and I hope by getting this stuff off my chest it might help some. Obviously somethings have to change because I don't want more failed relationships both as friends and as lovers with women. I'm bad with relationships with people in general, I'm kind of a horny lone wolf always wanting to impress the ladies. AND I NEED TO GET LAID AAARRGGGGHHHH!!!!! :(
 
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I think its fair to say that although decent people exist everywhere, there are parts of the world that could be considered shallower than others. It may be that your part of cali is one of those, where materialism money and looks are king, and without them it is hard to avoid becoming bitter or feeling considerable pressures. So I think maybe you just aren't suited to your environment and instead of too much introspection all you need to do is move somewhere different, somewhere more 'you', where you're more likely to meet people with a similar set of priorities in life as yourself.
 
Thank you badandwicked. Unless you've lived in LA/New York it's harder to understand. In these areas you have the people projecting an image of wealth that have wealth. And then you have the people who project an image of wealth that don't have it but still live beyond their means to fit in. It's the hood rich thing. And to say that this phenomenon doesn't carry into the dating world just isn't correct. I have 1 year left at University and then I am leaving California and moving somewhere with normal people and normal real estate prices. I think this materialistic money-intensive way of thinking occurs more with guys because I don't know about any of you, but I feel like if I'm not a "bread-winner" I'm less of a man. If I can't take care of a women (would she get pregnant and need to stop working) and keep food on the table and bills paid what use am I as a man? I never use to worry about money but when I turned 25 all of a sudden it became a big effin deal.
 
Get2Think said:
Honestly I think I'm the shallow one.
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Yes. There is a saying that the traits you dislike in others are the negative traits you recognise in yourself. Similar to someone who gets extremely jealous and paranoid about their partner because they know they'd be likely to cheat in a similar situation, perhaps materialism in women is so obvious to you because you know how powerful your superficiality can be - to the extent that your friend identified that it's 'pussy or nothing' with you. It would make it harder to imagine that a woman would like you for any more than superficial reasons when you have few such experiences of doing so yourself to relate to.
 
Alternative option:

Go get yourself a graduate degree in a hard subject. (Ideally, a STEM field, but something based around brute facts like history/archeology or rigorous logic like philosophy or law can work too.)
Now that you've honed your brain, simply start trolling people in a directed at devaluing them. Correct everyone all the time. Use words and phrases like "trivial" "obviously" "it's self evident" and "that means precisely nothing!" frequently. Now you've made them feel self conscious all while presenting yourself in a superior light. You either get girls, or at least make it hard for anyone else to do it. Congratulations, you win.
 
rangrz said:
Alternative option:

Go get yourself a graduate degree in a hard subject. (Ideally, a STEM field, but something based around brute facts like history/archeology or rigorous logic like philosophy or law can work too.)
Now that you've honed your brain, simply start trolling people in a directed at devaluing them. Correct everyone all the time. Use words and phrases like "trivial" "obviously" "it's self evident" and "that means precisely nothing!" frequently. Now you've made them feel self conscious all while presenting yourself in a superior light. You either get girls, or at least make it hard for anyone else to do it. Congratulations, you win.
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Greatness.
 
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