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Vent/Rant Thread vs. 2 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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xstayfadedx said:
I need to quit dope. I need to fucking quit. I can do it..... these thoughts will soon subside. At least I hope. I just can't do this anymore though. I like getting high but heroin just isn't fucking worth it in the long run..... Why did I have to start? :( I'm so fucking stupid.
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Hush that. Immediately.

Go ahead and quit. You are not stupid for starting. Everybody here started.And there are a lot of people here with mad skills, big hearts, and genius minds. It is a moment by moment thing, with me anyway. If I pay attention and stay in the now, I'm ok. I think I might have some later. But right now I'm good.

Like right now. I'm good.
I still might have some later.
I had some in 2011. I still might have some.
Right now I'm good, though.
 
I've fet like shit for a long time. And I've wanted to be done with it for so long. I keep pressing on and keep doing this shit everyday because so many people have said they'd be sad, that it'd be selfish to call it quits prematurely. Preface this with the fact that I do appreciate that. I've lost people way sooner than expected and it hurts, really really bad. So I keep trying for my friends and I keep doing all the stuff I'm supposed to do. I wake up, go to work, pay bills, even manage to go out and hang out from time to time. But lately I feel so annoyed and angry with everyone. I'm fucking sorry that I don't want to do stuff that doesn't really matter to me. I don't wanna to laugh at things I don't find funny, I don't want to "go the extra mile" and pretend to be happy and do things that don't make me happy, excite, or titillate me anymore. Sorry, but this is what you get. You wanted me here, I'm here. You still get to say hi to me everyday, you still get to drunk text me, we still have a drink here and there, and we still work together. But stop fucking pushing me. You think that if I just keep doing the things that used to make me happy, and keep pretending that eventually I'll get there? Fake it 'til I make it. Tell you what, it hurts more than anything to do the things that used to make me happy and realize they just leave me feeling empty. I'm selfish for wanting to peace out "early?" What about you wanting and needing me to do all the things that make me look happy just so you don't feel uncomfortable or sad.

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely adore most of the people in my life. But I'm so sick of having to sacrifice any scrap of me that I have left just so anyone else doesn't have to feel an iota of the same thing. Again, I don't want people to feel that. I don't want anyone else to be sad or depressed or feel any of this shit....but if you want me to laugh and giggle and do all the same shit, you're asking me to lie to you.
 
I am so stupid. Or just partly defunct of an evolutionary self preservation mechanism. I don't think people like myself are naturally supposed to pass their genes along. It's not just the absurdity of relapsing after losing so much; it is the inordinate amount of time it took me to come to terms with it. Baffling.
 
motherofearth said:
I am so stupid. Or just partly defunct of an evolutionary self preservation mechanism. I don't think people like myself are naturally supposed to pass their genes along. It's not just the absurdity of relapsing after losing so much; it is the inordinate amount of time it took me to come to terms with it. Baffling.
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I have a tendency to self destruct also. I understand what your putting out there. Something in our genomes is awry. Baffling is a good way to put it.
I'm to a point in my life where I am baffled by everything. I used to think I knew so much. Now, nothing makes any sense. I don't even think "Because" has meaning for me anymore. I'm getting older and I find that I can't explain a thing. I don't know why and here you can insert any words that you want that happened. Or that or that or that. I don't know how old you are... I'm 53. I come to new terms with myself now. I know what's best, but that isn't always what's good. You know?
 
everytime i even think of starting my final projects i cant i just get very very overwhelmed and sooo anxious
grrrrrrrrrrrr
although i am very happy with everything else in my life at the moment
the fear of these projects makes me want to escape
i know i have posted about this before but....
not much has changed except deadlines are closer

its not fair .... i got straight A's and I never remember feeling like this when I did the rest of college... some of the time i was using iv drugs too!!! grrrrr
 
I'm waiting to hear back about a job, they said to expect to hear in about one more week. In the meantime all I can do is sit here and stress about what Im going to do if I don't get this job. Being stressed leads to being high and being high leads to getting higher staying high so I don't have to think about the future, or the past, or now, or think at all.I need this job. Im about to run out of money for rent, I want to save money and go to school. I need a plan B, but I want the job so bad that I keep telling myself I will get it I just have to make it through the week. Not knowing if I'm screwed or not is driving me crazy. I hate being stuck between things.
 
aaccnntt said:
I'm waiting to hear back about a job, they said to expect to hear in about one more week. In the meantime all I can do is sit here and stress about what Im going to do if I don't get this job. Being stressed leads to being high and being high leads to getting higher staying high so I don't have to think about the future, or the past, or now, or think at all.I need this job. Im about to run out of money for rent, I want to save money and go to school. I need a plan B, but I want the job so bad that I keep telling myself I will get it I just have to make it through the week. Not knowing if I'm screwed or not is driving me crazy. I hate being stuck between things.
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How do you feel the interview went? What I would suggest doing is being proactive and sending a follow up email or letter thanking the interviewer for the opportunity to meet them and talk more about the company. It makes a great impression and builds relationships. Also, perhaps try calling in about 4 days? Employers like when prospective employees are proactive, it shows your interest in the position ad will again make you stand out amongst others.

For a plan b, have you considered contacting a temp agency? They're very helpful because their main purpose is to find employment for people. They usually offer temporary and permanent positions, so it's something to consider if you're job hunting :]

Best of luck to you, keep us posted!
 
School. Why the hell did I go back to school again?

My section at school began with 15. Now there are 3 of us. Everyone else got weeded out because the content really is super-hard and our institute is known for its 100% pass rate. What they don't tell you is that you've got to drill to the point you are essentially memorizing highly technical books and then expected to apply what you learned.

The 3 who are left - luckily we all get along (one is my lab partner from last year and the other is an international student who knows her shit bigtime). We're meeting this weekend to discuss the fact that we all feel ripped off. We are all working students in our 30s, the material is fully graduate-level and we've all been qualified to do our jobs. We all wanted an additional certification, so we went to allegedly the best institute to do this, and we all paid big bucks. We want our damn money back, and a group of tax students who have no problems with telling a certain agency to piss up a rope are not the type to take this lightly.
 
Leave it up to me to fuck up a wet dream. In just over a month, I fucked shit up with family AGAIN.

I lost my job, AGAIN.

It's only by grace that still have a place to stay, but what it boils down to is

I relapsed. AGAIN.

I don't know why I keep coming back to this shit. Half the time I feel like shit while high, I know that I am not capable of using responsibly, and I know this shit is detrimental to me in virtually every way imaginable.

And yet I can't stop. I want to, but maybe I'm just a defunct strain flushing itself out of the gene pool.

But am I gonna get high tomorrow? More than likely. Sometimes I just wanna give up and ride this train to whatever end comes. Part of me just doesn't CARE anymore, fuck it.
 
i don't even know how to start. i am so pissed, upset, confused, and suspicious that i can't even process this shit.
a "friend" seems to think i would leave her at an airport in a strange city after months of planning a week long trip.
apparently all forms of communication failed for two weeks, like phones, email, text, but only for my friend. no one else has had any problem contacting me and i had no problems contacting other ppl.
during our last conversation several days before thanksgiving, i asked her (for prob the 10th time) to email or text me the flight number and arrival time but i never got anything. however i went to airport on friday at 10a.m., stayed until almost 8p.m even after
the airline said they had no record of any passenger w/ my friend's name.
i'm calling, texting, and even emailing while at airport. no response.
finally today, one full week later, i get a big long text saying that i wouldn't answer my phone and abandoned her at airport -and church people she didn't know rescued her.
ummmmm on what fucking planet has this chick landed??? she was my neighbor in FL, known her almost 15 years, never saw this coming at all, and i am just blown away.
straight up, i don't believe she ever left FL. it is impossible every attempt to communicate by multiple methods would fail. she has my house address. even if we somehow missed at the airport ---ever hear of a taxi?
and wtf???? church ppl rescue, not a taxi or anything else that makes any sense??
i don't even know why i wrote this but i am so upset, angry, and just blown away, i can't even begin to process the weirdness. i can't stand drama and i cannot handle people who play games and that's exactly what this feels like -- some fk'd up game. i know she's pissed that i moved and she's always been kinda weird, like almost jealous, about my bf but c'mon, this bullshit is really out there.

all apologies, just had to get that out...
-izzy
 
herbavore said:
^ That does sound really weird.I'd be confused and pissed too!
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It's totally nuts but I had a weird feeling weeks before that something was very off, enough so that I told my bf I didn't think she'd show up. When the airline says no passenger with that name was on any of their arriving flights, I believe them.
I can't deal w/ crazy and drama. Probably best to close that book and leave it closed.
Thanks, herbie :)
 
Well I didn't get the job I was hoping for :( However I do have a position starting in 4 months. At first I was really upset and worried, but a friend said I can move into their house and pay minimal rent, about 50/mo starting in January because the house already has a lot of people living in it. Which means I have almost enough money to last till my job starts. I applied/am applying for a bunch of crappy part time jobs in hopes that I get one in the next few weeks which would mean that I could afford to take a couple classes at the community college. Obviously this would be awesome as far as getting my crap together and give me some motivation to stay clean and sober. My biggest set back has been my complete lack of self control if I have any money I will use it for drugs. Not getting the job has given me the option to work towards my higher education, but I'm still really disappointed because I wanted it so bad. Today was terrible as it was day one of not getting high. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude about things because when I'm upset cravings are that much worse....... grrrrrrrrrr even writing this makes me want to use I don't even care what I just need to not be sober. I wish I had a time machine to go back and punch my younger self in the face before I got high for the first time..... but don't we all
 
I don't know why I get so attached to change.
It's like I'm so used to this state, but when it changes I have to grasp onto that.
Then, the pain of having such taken away, of losing it.
It's just that. I've lost it.
I'm lost.

and I guess this post is just indulgence in spite of reason. Just another manifestation of my headspace, the fruits of whatever drive I have left, be it so very foolish.
 
Fuck this life,i say,in a movie i head 'this lifebisnt working for me' never thought id think that, fuck getting high off opiates nd calm on benzos,and hiding it from my family,wish i could tear my brain out,was supposed to be a competent doctor by now...fuck that all...looked at my facebook page,people getting married,engaged,partying,liking stupid pages and happy,and mw wondering what happened to my happiness for the last seven years,wat was the point,im not suicidal, but if my family didnt lovem perhaps it could be easy to take the pain away.bloody therapist saying everything can be fixed,i need to work on that,but tells my family shit i tell her,so i tell her no shit,its a waste of time and money,so i inject happiness(which strangely isnt happiness anymore,only pathetic,look at my face in the mirror and wonder how long before drugs take their alarm clock on me,how long before ive aged prematurely and am not beautiful anymore.i hate my face,guys come up to me because im pretty,but i cant string two words together so they leave,people invite me to parties,but i cant speak dont know what to say never,so make excuses.for me my happiness is my drugged slumber,after looking at facebook,i swallowed a benzo pill,shamefully injected some opioid,and am off to sleep.funny thing is the cycle eill repeat in the morning,it'll repeat forever.wish some guy could love me for who i am now,but no one loves a fuck up.tomorrows sunday here.wondering what to do during all day without work...classic vrnt post aint ot,im sorry if ive said something to trigger.
 
Typos.
Anyone else around like me with performance anxiety in everything?who knows we might become friends then we'd have 5 per cent of life
 
I really fucking hate people who make plans with you and cancel 10mn before. Especially when it's the fucking SEVENTH TIME IN A ROW. Ffs I swear I'm never organizing anything with her ever again.
 
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