Damn bro, that's hardcore. You had me /roflcoptering for a solid 10 minutes.
There's a new-ish theory on addiction that i've just become aware of that seems to make so much sense that i'll share my 2¢.
Basically addiction is a disease...or rather, there's a deeper existing disease of diminished Dopamine production (possibly other neurotransmitters) that causes us to seek out and become addicted to substances. With diseases you have an organ that has a defect that exhibits symptoms.
Pancreas --> impaired ability to produce insulin --> Diabetes
Brain --> impaired neurotransmitter function (primarily Dopamine) --> Addiction
I've been taking 1500mg L-Tyrosine (naturally existing dopamine precursor that exists in various foods we eat in small amounts) 3x daily and it's the only thing that really lifted the fog/helped the blues, even after NINE months clean. Kept waiting for that day where i'd wake up at 7am in front of a sunrise, arms outstreched with a mug of coffee, ready to take on the world like an MFing episode of intervention. It never came.
To connect the dots, you asked "Why do i keep doing this" ? Because your body hasn't reset to 'normal' after you stopped using, it doesn't for a long, LONG time, once you've abused drugs like we have (up to 2 years) and even then, at least for me, i've figured out that my baseline level of brain chemistry leaves me socially awkward, fucked up, wanting to use, etc.
For me personally, i think that i'm at like a 3-4 for Dopamine when i should normally be a 5. Using drugs would shoot my level to like an 8-9, and when i came down i'd be at like a 1.5-2.
So my theory why you keep doing it is that there's an underlying deficiency which causes you to feel like shit even when you manage to patch together a week or more of clean time, the feeling like shit causes you to seek more drugs, which exacerbates the underlying issue, which perpetuates the cravings if you get another week clean and on and on.
Most of the stuff i got comes from a book called "End Your Addiction Now" that i'm halfway through. At this point i'm kind of spamming this info across BL in multiple threads but it's made a huge difference in my life so far so i figure why not share.
In other words...because i was on that treadmill for a while a little over a year ago...it's not like a matter of willpower, or like for me...when i REALLY LIKED smoking pot when i was 17, smoked pot 2-3 times a week, but had the state championships coming up for wrestling, had to handle a bunch of shit in my life and decided i couldn't/shouldn't smoke weed for at least a month. That was willpower because my body/brain chemistry wasn't conditioned to being altered by THC all the time. I put the weed down and i felt more or less alright. Once i smoked weed every day for months and took a week off i decided that i was going to kill myself as soon as i got the energy up to do so.
Wished i'd been able to get perspective that that's what was happening those 12-13 years ago before i gravitated into a serious opiate addiction and told myself that it was just a matter of willpower and that i'd get it together and just quit for good. One more time though. Gotta get my last hit just right...fucking 3 years of last hits haha.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
