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My Hidden Adult Drug Addiction Story

OP, here is my question for you: do you have a question that you want answered or advice or support from other Bluelighters for A) your drug use B) guilt about lying to people about your drug use or C) something else that I failed to get out of your post? I know that you originally posted this in Homeless threads and it came here because we thought you might be looking for some kind of support. If not, if you simply want to write out your ongoing story in installments, blogs is probably a better place for it. If you want to leave it here please read all the TDS guidelines which can be found here.
 
herbavore said:
OP, here is my question for you: do you have a question that you want answered or advice or support from other Bluelighters for A) your drug use B) guilt about lying to people about your drug use or C) something else that I failed to get out of your post? I know that you originally posted this in Homeless threads and it came here because we thought you might be looking for some kind of support. If not, if you simply want to write out your ongoing story in installments, blogs is probably a better place for it. If you want to leave it here please read all the TDS guidelines which can be found here.
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All of the above bro. I am obviously in a sad state. I can't stop, mostly because my life is actually getting better. It is amazingly bad and good at the same time I guess.
 
xxsicknessxx said:
As a above poster said im shocked your not dead.... thats a lot of drugs to take.

How do you sleep? (please don't say like a baby) I mean how to you possibly get enough sleep to keep your body going with out withering into nothing? How do you get in enough food to stay at your current weight? I mean I have heard of people keeping up runs for years but to keep it going while holding down a labor intensive job such as construction seems near impossible. IMO I assume people must know your on drugs, people don't change overnight im sure the sudden loss of weight and the (new attitude) have been noticed however maybe they ignore the facts ..

One question..
What happens when you get caught by the cops? For ordering online drugs, or taking drugs at work.. such as a work related accident (they randomly drug test you just for insurance) .... or you get popped because of a fight with the wife... whatever... what happens when ... the drugs are gone... one day your on a GIANT amount of speed the next its all gone... what then?

are you planning on quitting..

im shocked your not dead or insane.... really... shocked... *thinks*

Whos to say its wrong to take drugs (beside the government) Is there a difference between a doctor prescribed you Ritalin twice a day or dosing some mdpv type drug twice a day your self? Whats wrong with self medicating when its done correctly.... Not a question just a comment as you seem to think the drugs are doing you all good with no bad right? (thats a question)

thats a lot of dope bro.. your writing for your friend? still? I assume the drugs will allow your brain to read my post. I hope.
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xxsicknessxx said:
As a above poster said im shocked your not dead.... thats a lot of drugs to take.

How do you sleep? (please don't say like a baby) I mean how to you possibly get enough sleep to keep your body going with out withering into nothing? How do you get in enough food to stay at your current weight? I mean I have heard of people keeping up runs for years but to keep it going while holding down a labor intensive job such as construction seems near impossible. IMO I assume people must know your on drugs, people don't change overnight im sure the sudden loss of weight and the (new attitude) have been noticed however maybe they ignore the facts ..

One question..
What happens when you get caught by the cops? For ordering online drugs, or taking drugs at work.. such as a work related accident (they randomly drug test you just for insurance) .... or you get popped because of a fight with the wife... whatever... what happens when ... the drugs are gone... one day your on a GIANT amount of speed the next its all gone... what then?

are you planning on quitting..

im shocked your not dead or insane.... really... shocked... *thinks*

Whos to say its wrong to take drugs (beside the government) Is there a difference between a doctor prescribed you Ritalin twice a day or dosing some mdpv type drug twice a day your self? Whats wrong with self medicating when its done correctly.... Not a question just a comment as you seem to think the drugs are doing you all good with no bad right? (thats a question)

thats a lot of dope bro.. your writing for your friend? still? I assume the drugs will allow your brain to read my post. I hope.
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Quite simply the most perfect and well thought out response I could have hoped for.

Let me respond by telling you this;

Hiding my use of mephedrone taught me many, many, many ways of twisting the reality of others in order for it to become "ours". Do you understand where I am coming from? I learned to hide and do drugs where I knew other people would not be at any given time. I always used stimulants as an escape. I also remembered where I would escape to and follow my tracks back. Thus, allowing myself to learn how to cover my tracks, be it at work, or home. My undying commitment to my father and our business is why I would never stop working no matter how strung out I was. I am an extremist, and at the same time, a self massacring chemical psychonaut. Both work together and against me at any given time.
Mxe is a chameleon of a drug. Certain doses wield differing effects, leading you to different outcomes. These effects also change over time with tolerance and again, dose. Working your way out of an MXE overdose while at work, or at home, in front of your family...... Quite the task. I put myself up to the challenge. Not a soul believes me to be on drugs. Why you ask? The simple fact is that I am too smart for my own good. I have actually tricked psychologists and psychiatrists into believing things that could never be true. I have them prescribing me all and any drug I want. Scheduled drugs, and non scheduled drugs alike. I have them prescribing me drugs that contradict each other. How? Well, it's quite easy when you word yourself in a certain way. For example:
I have decided I want to move into a different field of work now. More corporate you could say. So, what do I do? I find the person who is second in line to the person who hires people at the business. I befriend them. I invite them over to my house and shower them with fine dining and eloquent talk and a ...... small amount of alcohol. Then I have them write my resume and cover letter for me, exactly how it needs to be done for me to get the job. Then after he does that, he suggests mock interviews. Let's just say the use of MXE has made me into a slithery bastard. Let you know that before mxe I was a closed up shell of a person who wouldn't dare have an inkling of confidence, let alone cockiness. I have learned the simple lesson of life that is, "if you make people believe what you say, it turns to truth in their eyes, blinding them from reality, and creating a new reality where whatever I say is deemed correct." Yes, of course after that last sentence you must be like, "this guy is so meglo that he actually believes himself." Well, you are in fact possibly right on one level. Unfortunately, in this world of obsessive alcohol and marijuana users, it is increasingly easy to make people believe almost anything. Twisting the truth into new reality by sliding through the cracks of shadows in the light is what I have become. And, life has never been easier.


Thanks for reading
 
FUSIONZ said:
And, life has never been easier.
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.... and lonelier? So you are lying to your wife and your father (who you are devoted to) and presumably lots more people who mistakenly trust you; and those that you are not lying to you are manipulating? That may be easy to accomplish--and it almost seems like a challenging game to you--but if it easy to live with then I think that's your real problem.
 
Herbavore I love reading your posts because you seem to have a way of making sense out of life that I really admire. Op, I know you say you are happy now, but it is inevitable a crash is on the horizon.it may come in one of many different ways but you are playing with fire and I think you will be surprised once that match is lit how fast the forest goes up.
 
Hey you are undeniably correct on all counts here. I feel trapped. I was so introverted before all of this I am afraid when I stop I will go back to that. I really do wish I could stop. I have gone to mental health professionals. I have told them the entire truth. Unfortunately I have lied to them and told them I have quit doing certain things. To put it bluntly I am lying to everyone everywhere. It is very sad I guess when you put it that way. Maybe someone has some pointers on how I can start to quit doing these drugs and be true to myself and others........ the truth is I'm very afraid




herbavore said:
.... and lonelier? So you are lying to your wife and your father (who you are devoted to) and presumably lots more people who mistakenly trust you; and those that you are not lying to you are manipulating? That may be easy to accomplish--and it almost seems like a challenging game to you--but if it easy to live with then I think that's your real problem.
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I think any kind of change is scary no matter what. You have to realize that even though the drugs helped bring out this side of you that it was always there all along and you CAN be extroverted and successful without them. Good luck
 
You never answered my question on what happens if you get busted by the cops. Think of if it happens at work? (for your dad) what it could cost him for letting it happen, or what it would do to your family if you were busted at home, or if even worse they get dragged into something you did such as ordering illegal drugs online and your wife gets pulled into it. Would you tell the truth then? or lie to the cops to get off on a charge. Will you ever not lie? What happens if you get busted and the drugs are gone.

Even though drugs can do good, one super huge problem I always feared was what happens when the drugs are gone, and in my past I have learned that if you can't function as what you are, then your in a world of shit the day the drugs are gone because thats what your going to be left with. You'll be on probation you won't get to do drugs again for along long time if ever, and your going to be stuck back in that shell.

Better learn now then later. My advise would be to learn to be sober before you learn to be on drugs... get my meaning?
 
Man, I can relate to your story so well. I hid all my drug use from my ex. We lived together and she had no idea I was brewing pod tea twice a day, staying up all night smoking MDPV or meth. Went on like this for years. Thought I was baddass cause no one was the wiser. Until the amp pyschosis took hold. High on ambien, jumping through the bedroom window cause she locked the door.

Eventually I lost everything. So glad it ended the way it did though cause it could have been so much worse. Like sickness said, what about the law? And your sanity.

Are you being fair to your wife by living this way. You're living a lie. Trust me, if you clean up your act and work on your addiction, come clean with loved ones, eventually you'll feel so much better. Took about a year for me, but it's a minor blip in the long run.
 
All those drugs with such heavy use and there's no mention of any type of WD? I don't see how someone could just switch to a different drug and stop using all the previous drugs without having WD difficulty.

Also seems unbelievable that no one would notice all this drug use, especially since there's all this mention of physical signs on the body (big weight loss, flaking skin). I would think anyone who has snorted that much powder over that many years would have some issues with their nose or their sinuses.


I guess I don't understand the point of the post. It comes off as a sort of self-promoting, bragging type story to me. There's no questions asked of anyone on here and there seems to be little in the way of lessons learned.
 
FUSIONZ said:
Possibly restate the question. Please?
And yes. I need to stop. Any ideas how?
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Do you have a plan if you get wrapped up with the law do to your illegal drug buying habits (which are very large) so I assume you get lots of packages from sources on the internet. What happens if one day a cop is waiting with that package? And your family and friends get dragged into your addiction as a result of you doing illegal drugs at work and at home. Please don't claim you won't get caught. With your drug use (if the numbers are true) sooner or later people are going to notice all the packages coming from other countries every week... right?

1. What happens if the law gets you and your stuck in jail even for a week or two (no drugs) plus probation (no drugs) plus loss of a job
2. What happens if your source gets busted and they set up a package drop sting operation on you and your wife signs for it and gets pulled into legal troubles because of YOU!!!

Best way to quit a giant habit like that would be some kind of drug detox where they medicate you to get off drugs but it takes less time to quit. Instead of taking a month off it takes a week. Maybe your insurance will cover it.

I think only way to quit for you is to come clean. For some simple reason that some day soon you know for a fact the drugs will be gone. Either your going get in legal trouble, your job will catch you, your family will find out... something will happen (maybe in a year or two) but it will and the drugs will be gone and you will be stuck with that shell of your self you hate so much. So might as well face the music now instead of later.
 
I just "came clean" about my drug use to my wife last night.

We have a second child on the way (1st one is coming up on 2 years old). She'd been noticing that I'd been getting increasingly detached and less supportive of her psychologically. This was a byproduct of me staying up late on 4-FA, MDMA and bk-MDMA binges. Throw a few 2C-C and 2C-B usages in there as well. The only sign of something wrong in her eyes was the sleeping in on the weekends. I kept using excuses like "I'm just sleep deprived from the week" and "I'm getting anxious about having that 2nd kid".

This past weekend I was given a green light to go to a late night concert by myself. 20mg 2C-B down the hatch, 1mg Xanax an hour later to fend off some anxiety. Half way into the show I get a text from an old buddy I hadn't seen in 5 years asking I wanted to hang out. He fell out of touch with the world while he was on Methadone. Recently became more functional as he switched over to Suboxone. I knew that if I said yes to hanging out I'd be putting more substances into my body. Sure enough, a few lines of coke were consumed as we caught up on old times. His sister had just committed suicide by jumping in front of a train so there was some heavy discussion, and I didn't want to stop.

Then the wife. 4am. I didn't answer. Then she texted, "where the fuck are you?". I replied that I had run into my friend but was on my way home. Text back read: "don't bother, we're done".

I tried to defend my behavior the next day. "I quit drinking for you. All I do now is work, come home, and spend time with you & the kid. Am I not allowed a late night out once in a while?". But she knew nothing about the stash of chemicals stored in my dresser that I had come to replace the alcohol with.

The guilt I'd been harboring hit its threshold the next day. I thought about all the sneaking around and lying I'd been doing. Nothing really changed after I quit drinking (2.5 years ago) -- I was just doing chemical substitution. After she made threats of moving out and getting a divorce I got pulled into a vortex of depression like I hadn't been in for many many years. I spent several hours reading forums about suicide. Someone posted an insightful comment about there being 3 valid reasons to off yourself to avoid that "suicide is for cowards" thing. Of the three mine was shame.

I am so full of shame. Shame on me for sneaking around to selfishly use illegal drugs around my wife and kid. Shame for being like Dexter.

So I told her. I feel relieved to have gotten the truth out. But now comes the aftermath. She said she can no longer trust me. I can't blame her. Even if I do somehow manage to not take anything that alters my state of mind for the rest of my existence, I feel like its in my DNA to lie, cheat, and sneak.

Its not final, but the current plan is for her to move back with her parents with the kid and go through with the pregnancy. My head is spinning right now. In one sense I feel kind of relieved because it'll ease the guilt I have and protect her & my kid from my evil. It might be best for me to just provide for them financially while I sort my shit out...or leave it unsorted. On the other hand, I have a faint sense of hope I can somehow salvage things.

Sorry for derailing discussion on the OP's situation. The quantity of my drug use is probably 1/100th of FUSIONZ, but I thought my story might somehow be related. Sorry I don't have any advice for you man. Kinda in the same boat.
 
Come2city I really commend you for coming clean with your wife. That takes balls. Good luck in the next few months and please don't kill yourself. Your kids need a dad, even if you can't be that right now. Hang in there friend.
 
I'm fucking done with mxe.

I have 15 grams left and a bunch of other shit. Its all going in the trash.... or I'm burning it. Thanks everyone for their honest and at times brutal responses. I am done wasting my life.
 
It wasn't a question just a thought. I can still remember the tone of your post which I read a couple days ago OP and it made my mania sensors go into high gear. I have mania so I know what its like; I'm not going to get into it now but mine seems more debilitating or at least caught up with a mind-fuck which makes it a problem. That said, from what I read, yours could definitely be more "high-strung" or "out-there" if you will, which is really dangerous. I mean, when exceptionally manic, people don't even notice, but their regard for the laws of our race basically disintegrates; someone could function with mania for years then one day overstep a bound that they aren't aware of and end up with the law or worse to deal with; and I have noticed that people are never as awesome or good at something as they believe when they're manic, so things quite aren't as they seem. This is scary for me and others when we realize. Fortunately, things exist which can help us. I am adamantly against medication, as are most bipolar people, so I've been searching around for more natural alternatives, though I am still addicted to a small but not insignificant amount of this medication.

Anti-psychotics are very powerful drugs. If nothing else, they give someone with manic depression the invaluable ability to see themselves clearly for an extended period of time, not just for the small window of opportunity we have when transitioning to a tiring energetic or worthless-feeling phase. I would take this in several steps.

Number one: try as hard as you can not to lie to yourself, even if you lie to everyone else; once you confuse yourself, you lose a base from which you can start anew if you mess up, and you lay several traps along your way to stability.
Second: get help from a friend or family member you trust and that you know loves you; tell them your situation and that you need their help.
Third (this is probably the hardest): go to psychiatrist and tell them all of the drugs you were taking, but also as much insight into your personality as you can give (for your own good, this involves talking about the drugs you dishonestly convinced psychiatrists to give you so you could be high). If you lie to the people around you, there is a drastically reduced chance of getting their genuine help. Tell them you want to try an anti-psychotic for at least a short period of time, which I can all but guarantee they'd prescribe anyways if you told them whats going on with you. This drug will allow you to sleep, it will reduce or eliminate your cravings to get high, it will level your moods, it will give you a sense of peace, it will allow you to connect with people on a deep level that you haven't before, it will make food more likable, and it may make you more amiable in the minds of others; your brain will appreciate the rest.

...for a month at least.

What say you?
Fourth: I think you need something on the level of a god to keep your path straight. Don't scoff, I think you know what I mean. Find it.
 
Hesitant to ask for you all for advice on this. I'm pretty sure on how most of you will answer...

I have a small stash of 2c-e, 2c-c, 2c-b, and DMT left. I've tried the 2c-c and 2c-b and they seem to be just for "recreational" purposes and are shallow. Have yet to sample the 2c-e and DMT though.

From what I hear 2c-e can be introspective and enlightening. "Difficult but worthwhile" as Shulgin put it. And the whole "seeing god" thing I keep hearing about from DMT trips sounds like it could be life changing as well.

I was wondering if you had any experiences with drugs that left you with any kind of profound impact that made you want to change your lifestyle vs just leaving you with the desire to do more. Sort of like what I hear about Ibogaine giving opiate addicts the ability to kick their habits.

I have to make some changes while my wife is gone. She's made it clear that she won't tolerate my drug use. So how about it: is there a drug experience that would rattle me up enough to make me want to end my "experiments"?
 
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