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Celibacy

really thinking about trying it tbh. not completely by choice.

i find it too difficult to find a partner who views sex in the same way as i do. i don't like feeling like a fuck-object, i like feeling like it'sa sharing of bodies, minds, experience, and i've been used more times than i care to remember. and if i do happen to find a guy who views sex in a similar way as me, well, that doesn't actually mean that we are into the same things sexually.

sex in my life just makes it more complicated, even though i have a high sex drive. can't win really.
 
Maxafie I am so sorry for your loss. I feel like before ppl experience true love, they see sex just as an act of pleasure. After having sex with someone u truly love, it becomes something different. Its the most intimate act 2 ppl can share, and when u make love to someone u love there is no better feeling. Since you have experienced this, a one night stand may not be enjoyable at all bc ur used to having the emotion and passion involved not just the physical. If its working well for you, no need to change things. Eventually, maybe u will choose to date again and if so theres no need to rush sex. Everything will happen as it is meant to.
 
@ Ugly, I am sorry for what you are going through. That must be a difficult way of life living torn between faithfulness and the innate need for physical sexual touch. Have you spoken to ur husband about it? Have you told him how deprived you feel without sex? Although he is in pain, there are other ways around it besides him exerting physically. Have you tried giving him a blow job? Even if hes not in the mood, he can still go down on you or finger you. You can hop on top if you can get him hard from a hand job or blow job. If hes unable to get an erection, he can still pleasure you. You deserve to have your needs met. I would talk to him about it and speak from the heart. Tell him how badly ur hurting bc of this. If he understand he'll make the effort to do what he physically can to please u
 
@stayhigh
Thank you.
I so appreciate you taking the time to answer my situation. You've been on BL for a long time and have very few posts and I'm humbled that one of those posts is for me.

My husband and I do have sexual contact in all the ways you mentioned, so I'm not utterly celibate, in the direct sense of the word. I feel comparatively celibate based on what we used to have.

We have not talked about my needs. I can't tell him. I don't know how to explain this........

I just can't. I can't tell him. After 34 years together, you would think I could tell him anything.

After 34 years together, I know, I know very well, that his heart would shatter. His emotional well being would be destroyed. Three days ago I went to him in tears, and he wrapped his arms around me, and I wept. I actually cried really hard, because I wanted something he doesn't have anymore and I grieve. I'm lonely. I am also selfish, stupid, weak and petty.

He has suffered with his health and lives in constant pain but he does not complain. He has lost so much; he can do so little. I am able to do everything I enjoy doing. I have only lost our sex life. He can't ride a motorcycle or go mountain biking or go surfing. There are many things that he has lost. He still gets up at 5 every morning though, whether I get up or not, and walks the dog because that is one thing he can do.

After watching him in the hospital, watching him in physical therapy, watching him surrender to what has been taken away and then accepting the little bit he has left, I can't take anything else from him. I can't tell him that I am not satisfied. That would be a cruel, hateful thing for me to say. Those are horrible words. I have not talked to him about my needs because he can't fix this, it isn't his fault, and he has already lost enough. I let him believe that what we do is fine by me, that he still turns me on... because to do otherwise would be inhumane and just ghastly.

I don't want him to know the truth about the way I feel. I wish I did not feel this way and I want to forget how it used to be.

I need to forget what my marriage was like. I have to learn to want it as it is. I'm trying. I'm working on it.
 
You sound like a loving wife whom appreciates all her husband has to offer. You admire his strength, and although you may not see it, you're strong as well for sticking by his side and lifting him up during his time of need. You made a promise "through sickness and in health" and youve kept it, as I can tell by your posts you still very much love your husband. At the end of the day: we're only human. Theres nothing wrong with you for having basic sexual needs and desires. I think its endearing that you are putting him before yourself, which is what any good wife would do. As you mentioned, its not his fault, if he could hed give his all to you. Now that things have changed, all hope isnt lost. If the love is still there anything is possible, the love is the most important part. I think you should tell your husband how you feel, maybe not to the extent, but tell him you miss intimacy but then offer a solution instead of harping on what is lost. Im sure this is killing him inside more so than it effects you. His manhood has been robbed from him in a way. I don't know the extent of his illness but maybe you can speak with his doctor or do some research on how to make it possible for intercourse (changing medications, certain positions, viagra, etc.). Maybe suggest going to a sex therapist together (if this is hurting you very badly, this is a good option) and the sex therapist can offer advice on how to make intercourse work despite his handicaps. If he can maintain an erection long enough, you can make sex a possibility. Get accustomed to being on top, and switching it up from bjs to on top if he loses erection. Maybe you can incorporate toys, massages, or start sex slowly and work your way up to longer sessions. If you love him, stick by his side. Im sure this is extremely hard for you, but as you mentioned its probably harder for him. If there is a will theres a way, sex may not be the same as before but there are options to still be intimate w the man u love
 
A sex therapist....

that's a new one.

Do they get degrees in sex? If I had known I would have majored in that instead of English.

What a waste of an education... are you telling me I could have a BA in SEX?

A sexual master's program? It's late. I know I'm dreaming. Imagining myself writing my doctoral dissertation on sex....

Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn.

just
fuckin
damn
 
Lol yeah I think they probably got their BA in psych and then masters in sexual therapy or something like that. I heard all about them in health class a while back, they help save a lot of marriages. A lot of studies have been done about sex and all that goes along with it. They could help ya out
 
sockpuppet said:
Why on earth would someone who loved you expect that of you? For those of us who have sex drives, sex is as necessary to life as oxygen or food. For some of us it is also a spiritual necessity.

To deny a spouse such a vital part of their existence because of one's own problems is twisted. Have you discussed this with him?? Does he say he's okay with you being slowly suffocated over the rest of your life because he is not able/interested?

All I can say is - only the most prudish, neo-conservative, and naive among the young people who populate boards like this could condemn someone in your situation for "cheating". My $.03: TALK to your husband explicitly, but if he is still unable to be with you AND unwilling to permit you to get what any healthy person needs then you need to seriously ask yourself why you are staying with him. And if there IS some reason why you must stay with him regardless then just go out and get fucked and don't give a second thought to meaningless middle-class terms like "cheating". Good luck.
Click to expand...
i think this is the most accurate statement

My wife loves sex as much as I do which is a lot. And if i couldnt give her what she wanted i would rather just be a friend and be happy for her when she gets some good fuck from some other, decent man who treats her right.

If he truly loves you he should want you to have your all your needs fulfilled, including sexual ones. He may not have them, but you do.
 
etard...

have you heard of this thing called jealousy?

it is a hellish emotion and my husband is a jealous man.

very
jealous
man

especially since he took ill.

I'm like you. I would not mind if he needed to go get shagged if I was permanently disabled. I'm not a jealous person, I guess. I would be interested to know how it was, and if he got head, were there any new tricks I should know about.

I suck strong and long (my neck muscles are my secret weapon) use tongue technique, swallow, and continue until asked to stop.

I would feel just like you do about it, personally. I love him and if he was as sexually frustrated as I am, I would definitely want him to handle it. Love is different for everybody though, and he is not ok with sex outside of the marriage.

He has this jealousy problem that I have learned to live with. Nobody's perfect... I have spent my entire adult life with him because his good outweighs his bad. I met him when I was 18. He was 30, and knew a lot more than I did. The first time with him was so good I stayed. I stuck to him. I was whipped.

Now I'm 53 and he is 65. I am about out of menopause *hopefully* and without the worry of periods and pregnancies, I feel like fucking all the time.
 
nsfw

Thank you sock puppet. I definitely appreciate your understanding.

I suspect that somewhere in his head, he knows.

He knows me. He knows what I like. He's highly intelligent.

I think that subtextually he knows I've fucked a few.

He does not want me to go away. He enjoys my company. We both enjoy our kids, and our grandkids.

If I told him what I've done, he'd have to divorce me. If our kids knew what I've done, they'd go ape shit. They don't know me the way my husband does. I'm the mom. I'm the gramma.

This family would fall into catastrophic hell and I would be cast out and we would all suffer quite a bit if I decided that this issue was so important that I needed to leave my husband and find a more suitable partner.

Fuck that noise. I'm staying in, sex or no sex.

No sex at all is impossible. I must cum. Fact.

Being celibate does not include masturbation. Wait. Maybe it does. Does it?

My husband is jealous of it. He got angry when he found my clit massager. He said he would rather I asked him to give me an orgasm.

Wow this is dicey. I added nsfw in the title this time. Continue at your own risk. No lifeguard on duty.

That same night I said ok... here am I... please make me cum.

He did so until his arm got tired. I thanked him. He fell asleep.

I went in the other room with my c.m. and came three more times. I couldn't fall asleep when he did. I am sorry but I was not finished.

I cannot speak openly about this to anybody. I have outlined my situation for the men I've been intimate with so they would know I did not want a relationship. I was offered marriage and a whole new life two or three times. Sweet, right? No. I'm sorry no way am I interested in starting over. I've been with my husband my whole adult life. He worked. He paid the bills so I could stay home with the kids. Now his health is failing and he needs my help and I know I am a shithead, but I am not enough of a shithead to leave him to grow old and die by himself.

I WISH, I really and sincerely wish that my personality wasn't so strongly influenced by my carnal desire. I have read the Bible. I know I'm due for a stoning. You who are without sin, cast the first stone.

I can only go so long. Like bread for hunger, like water for thirst: dick for desire. Not hand for desire. You would not give your child a brick for her hunger. It might take away the hunger but at what cost to the child?

Dick for desire. I don't make rules, fuckin A. I just live but in order to live, I have basic needs I have to meet.

This particular need is so fraught with turmoil and drama that I would forget it altogether if I could. I've tried. I am trying right now. Right now I am celibate, if I qualify for the term, because I don't qualify for a man whore.

I happened to just get an email from a young man I have had sex with in the past and he would like to have sex with me again. I guess I should answer that I am celibate. Am I?
 
and for once, that's a nice thing to say.

usually if someone says "go get fucked"

he or she really means "go get killed"

I am mulling it over. On Fathers Day.

getting fucked

not getting killed

although i could find someone to kill me

fairly easily

but he's sleeping late

cuz its fathers day
 
Ugly, you probably know I'm in an open relationship, I'm generally against deception and cheating and I'm very pro-communication, but sometimes life throws us in tricky situations. You HAVE tried to communicate and make him understand in your own way. You acknowledged in other threads that you accepted a reality early on in your relationship where you can't fully express your needs. It's too late to change it now.

I strongly suggest you go on dating websites for married people (such as Ashley Madison) where you can find men who are mature, understanding and in a similar situation where they are trapped but in a deeply loving relationship they don't want to leave. I think what you could really do with is a regular, discrete, clean, loyal lover who you can see on a regular basis and who understands what you can and can't give. You HAVE to look after yourself - I go mad without sex so completely understand. You'll be a better wife to your husband too, and it'll stop you becoming depressed. Big hugs! xx
 
At this point in time I'm celibate, until a man comes along who is willing to commit to a more meaningful long-term relationship with me. I find sex with people you barely know or just met is really boring. Neither of you knows what the other person likes, and although it has the excitement and novelty of being new, the sex is just really not that great.

I'm not sure if it's where I live, the kind of guys I tend to attract, or it's just men, but it's like once they have sex with you they lose interest and disappear. I'm not interested in that. Celibacy is kind of a form of protest for me at this point. I refuse to be used again.
 
lola thank you, truly. People in SLR are the best people on BL. You are all total strangers and yet you've helped me carry my baggage through the whole sordid terminal. I did not know if I would get flamed or whatever. (There's one or two around these parts. You know who you are. Kill yourself.)

I had no idea there were dating sites for married people. That's an oxymoron to be sure.

TO the mod or mods of SLR, you have done an amazing job here and this forum offers real harm reduction. It's not just a bunch of arrogant drug addicts who think they run shit. The help I've gotten here has comforted me and reduced my anxiety and my frustration in my marriage, and for that, my hat is off to you. Here we are. Can you tell that he means well?
IMG_4506-002.JPG
 
Thank you. You can't imagine how much comfort it is to be welcomed back so warmly. You are lovely to take the time to say so.
 
lola said:
I strongly suggest you go on dating websites for married people (such as Ashley Madison) where you can find men who are mature, understanding and in a similar situation where they are trapped but in a deeply loving relationship they don't want to leave. I think what you could really do with is a regular, discrete, clean, loyal lover who you can see on a regular basis and who understands what you can and can't give. You HAVE to look after yourself - I go mad without sex so completely understand. You'll be a better wife to your husband too, and it'll stop you becoming depressed. Big hugs! xx
Click to expand...

IMO You should leave the relationship before having an affair. You dont want to live a lie
 
I think Ashley Madison is a pure scam, but apart from that I agree with Lola 100%.....And yes, I've always thought "Fuck you" was one of the kindest things you could say to a person.... ;-) Good luck!
 
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