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Divorce

Lysis said:
Yes. Once I'm done, I'm done, and I want to have fun. If I'm the one who is done, I suppose I'm heartless at that point. If I find someone else, I do not see the point in depriving myself of a possible fun person. I don't throw it in the other person's face. I don't want to do anything like that, but I suppose I am selfish in that I don't want to avoid someone for another person.



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I never understood why people go straight into another relationship after a breakup. I always thought it was a good idea to take 3-6 months off for self reflection and healing, most people will just be looking to fill the void which is an unhealthy way to start a new relationship. Most of my friends that rush into relationships after finishing one are usually the ones that have trouble making one work long term. That could just be my friends though :)

One of my old shrinks used to tell people “you won’t ever be happy with anyone else until you are able to be happy by yourself”
 
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Lysis said:
Maybe not typical, but still possible and it does happen. Whether or not there are other issues, cheating is a big issue, so I would say it is one of the big reasons. Of course there are other issues at hand for someone to fuck around, but cheating is the catalyst for the divorce.
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oh i know the impact of such things. my bro was cheated on, and she went on to have another kid with the other bloke and then took custody of both my bros kid and the other one, eventually they left her as they got older and lived with him. both are completely part of our family, especially now that she has passed away.

anyway, the point in my reply was that you substantiated support for single mothers having primary access to children based on the impact of cheating partners. whilst i do appreciate the severity of such issues, they don't encompass enough to give such unwavering support imo. cheating is A catalyst for divorce, but it is not THE catalyst.

when parents split, hardship hits them both.
 
Perpetual Indulgence said:
This fucking sucks but there has always been a part of me that knew this would happen eventually.
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i know what you mean. my relationship of nearly 9 years recently ended. i guess it's always been a matter of 'when' rather than 'if' but it feels awful anyway.

more stories of people who separated their lives amicably (better yet, stayed or re-became friends) would be comforting but i realize that's a tall order.

64tf: sorry to hear your news. i'm looking at my split as an opportunity and i hope you can find some of that in your situation too.
edit: L2R, you too. lots of changes in here, wow.
 
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Is it a tall order? Yes.

My question is this: If you can remain friends, were you ever lovers to begin with?

:)
 
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Damn, this thread has me going WHAAAT? repeatedly. My heart goes out to all of you, I know how hard separation/divorce can be :( <3

I can attest that staying friends is possible, but it's going to be really difficult for a while. I'm not sure if those feelings ever fully go away. I still get occasional pangs of jealousy/sadness and we've been split for years now.
 
He said he wants to be friends and remain in each other lives.
Uh no thanks. You had me. Our lives are different paths where they shall remain forever apart.
It is not like we are going to run into each other.
I appreciate what we had but I am done. I look forward to filing for divorce in June. Really it should be him doing the work but I am nice like that and live in the state we are filing in.

I have a nice list of positive things about being single.
I am excited for first kisses and having 2 closets <3
 
remaining friends is hard, and i really see no reason for it. shit, i don't like my ex...why would i want to be her friend?

that said, we have a kid so we have to be cool with each other and have mature conversations in relation to him. i just check any bitterness i have at the door when having those conversations and keep it about the kid.

at first, communication was impossible for us, but it's getting better and better as time goes by.

i wish i could have just dropped her like a bad habit and never talked to her again, but that's obviously impossible. she'll be in my life forever, so i just kind of accepted that and deal with it the best i can.

i use to get some feelings of jealousy about who she may or may not be fucking or dating. but i honestly don't care anymore about that stuff at all. i've moved on and i'm so fucking happy i'm not married to her anymore. i can't even begin to explain how much better my life is now.

PI...you're gonna have a blast being single.
 
Perpetual Indulgence said:
I have a nice list of positive things about being single.
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i went through this exercise as well, and i also have a separate list of annoying shit about my relationship that i'm not going to miss. it's helpful for me to have reminders of all these things because i really need this breakup to stick - getting back together is not on the table for negotiation. in fact, PI, i totally winced at an earlier post where someone suggested your husband would be back after having some time to think. there are certain fundamental differences sometimes that can't be changed and can't be resolved. a desire to have kids is certainly one of those core issues in my opinion; marriage, monogamy, and what it means to 'pull your weight' in a partnership are a few others. staying on a merry-go-round to nowhere doesn't do anyone any favors.

ChickenScratch said:
remaining friends is hard, and i really see no reason for it.
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*sigh* the friends part is tricky. i've had breakups where i just straight up wanted the person out of my life but it's a lot more ambiguous this time. i'd put my status at about 20% grief/80% relief as far as terminating the relationship is concerned, but losing my best friend is often a wholly unbearable thought. the distress comes and goes in waves though, and i'm confident those waves will grow less frequent over time. i know great things are waiting for me on the other side if i just ride this out.
 
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struggling with the friends saga myself atm. civil and somewhat respectful is more an apt term. this though is only possible when both parties are entirely ready to let go.

best wishes guise <3

...kytnism...:|
 
A big group hug to all of you <3

@lterEgo and Gen E, you have been on my list of people to meet.
My house is open to you and I think a trip out west would be appropriate for me at some point.
 
I have an uncle who stayed very close with his ex wife, and an uncle who, to put it delicately, did not— both have daughters with their exes. The one who stayed friends is much better for it. Bottom line, while you don't have to love your ex, its probably best to not loathe them, either. :-\
 
I got an email on Monday from my husband. He would like me to consider moving back to the Northeast. We discussed this in the weeks before he left and I expressed my disinterest. I replied I don't need to think about it. It is not an option for me. I am very happy professionally and see the future bright for financial gain. This is going to allow me to travel. I love my house. I see this separation period as an opportunity to sort out my emotions while logically moving forward and positively. I would like him to come home but I still want a divorce. I love him but it will never be the same. Remaining unmarried partners would relieve the insecurity that he is going to leave me again. I haven't heard from him. Knowing him, he is hurt and thinks that I don't love him as much as he loves me. I know myself. I feel confident in that.

Lysis, you called it <3
 
^your house is fkn amazing. what i'd give to have something half as good as that.

on more relevant matters, hang in there kitty <3
 
Exactly. I won't find what I have for the price anywhere in the northeast US. The house is mine. His name is off the title and was never on the mortgage. He sent me a link to a beautiful house. 80,000 over my budget and close to an hour commute to the nearest city. No thanks. I respect that he wants to be near his family. There is nothing there for me in the northeast except him and that is not enough for my overall happiness. Funny, what happened to the I want kid thing? So if I moved back, I would still be wondering okay is he going to leave me again to want children or hope that I will change my mind on that issue too.
 
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Perpetual Indulgence said:
I got an email on Monday from my husband. He would like me to consider moving back to the Northeast. We discussed this in the weeks before he left and I expressed my disinterest. I replied I don't need to think about it. It is not an option for me. I am very happy professionally and see the future bright for financial gain. This is going to allow me to travel. I love my house. I see this separation period as an opportunity to sort out my emotions while logically moving forward and positively. I would like him to come home but I still want a divorce. I love him but it will never be the same. Remaining unmarried partners would relieve the insecurity that he is going to leave me again. I haven't heard from him. Knowing him, he is hurt and thinks that I don't love him as much as he loves me. I know myself. I feel confident in that.

Lysis, you called it <3
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They always come back. It's my new theory. lol If you have a lot to offer and have something that they are looking for, they always come back. I've tried going back a couple of times, and it's like you try hard to forget and move on, but you can't. I have an ex-BF who I loved to death and even now after our failed attempt 2 years ago, I really wish so bad he hadn't done what he did, because I did love him and want to be with him, but when we tried, I couldn't trust him not to do it again. I am pissed at myself for not being able to do it.

I've had several men appear back in my life, because they "made a mistake." Unfortunately, they ruin it when they want to play the field or I don't have something else they want. I think I'm a long-term girlfriend, and I'm someone they bring home to mom, but I'm also very serious about money and career and I have yet to meet a man who is on my level when it comes to those two things. I am serious about them, and I think although I am fun, I get serious Mon-Fri. Most men I meet are going through a crisis and can't decide what they want, and it's left up to me to make sure there is a roof over our heads. I lose respect for them, and once that has happened and they leave to figure out what they want to do with themselves and come back, I am over it.
 
Perpetual Indulgence said:
Exactly. I won't find what I have for the price anywhere in the northeast US. The house is mine. His name is off the title and was never on the mortgage. He sent me a link to a beautiful house. 80,000 over my budget and close to an hour commute to the nearest city. No thanks. I respect that he wants to be near his family. There is nothing there for me in the northeast except him and that is not enough for my overall happiness. Funny, what happened to the I want kid thing? So if I moved back, I would still be wondering okay is he going to leave me again to want children or hope that I will change my mind on that issue too.
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Annnnd, you're stuck in debt and driving an hour to work. Yuck. I would be so pissed off if I moved for some guy, and he gets a bug up his ass again and changes his mind AGAIN.
 
Lysis said:
They always come back. It's my new theory. lol If you have a lot to offer and have something that they are looking for, they always come back. I've tried going back a couple of times, and it's like you try hard to forget and move on, but you can't. I have an ex-BF who I loved to death and even now after our failed attempt 2 years ago, I really wish so bad he hadn't done what he did, because I did love him and want to be with him, but when we tried, I couldn't trust him not to do it again. I am pissed at myself for not being able to do it.

I've had several men appear back in my life, because they "made a mistake." Unfortunately, they ruin it when they want to play the field or I don't have something else they want. I think I'm a long-term girlfriend, and I'm someone they bring home to mom, but I'm also very serious about money and career and I have yet to meet a man who is on my level when it comes to those two things. I am serious about them, and I think although I am fun, I get serious Mon-Fri. Most men I meet are going through a crisis and can't decide what they want, and it's left up to me to make sure there is a roof over our heads. I lose respect for them, and once that has happened and they leave to figure out what they want to do with themselves and come back, I am over it.
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You seem to have made many life decisions for yourself already. You should know within a few dates if you are on the same page, if not then don't wait around for the inevitable disappointment.

An observation nothing more; one of your ex's cheated on you and the rest wanted to play the field after a while. On you list of life objectives above you mention money, career, long term relationships and an established home. How high on your list of objectives is maintaining a healthy sex life?
 
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