Okay so hi people I'm Boida
I'm a 23 year old dude and have been meaning to write this story up since it happened over Christmas/New Years so here goes!
Bit of bio about me I grew up with my parents and lived at home til I was 16. My folks first introduced me to weed when I was 14 and I loved it. I would spend most nights getting high with my folks and getting drunk with them at the weekend too. As I was quite mature and had my head screwed on properly my folks knew that I was sensible and understood the risks involved with drugs and alcohol. At 16 I wandered into the kitchen one evening and my dad was making little bombs at the time and I asked what he was doing, he playfully ignored my question and handed me what I thought was just a screwed up rizla. I asked again what it was and dad was like just eat it. So trusting my dad I did and then continued the rest of my night. After an hour I had realised that I hadn't stopped chatting with my folks for the past hour. Dad finally then divuldged was speed. Thus beginning my beautiful relationship with drugs.
Anyway since being 16 and naieve I've tried a multitude of drugs and have 'lived for the weekend' since I was 18 . During this time. Ive tried mdma, cocaine, cannabis, salvia, mdat, mdai, 6- apb, mpa, mephedrone, methoxetamine, dimethocaine and AMT.
You'll notice my lost largely consists of RC's and reason being is that they are my favourite. The whole process of hearing about new compounds, then researching trip reports and gathering information before purchasing them fascinated me
I love learning about the chemical structures and the way in which they interact with your body and brain and how a slight change in neurotransmitters can make a difference! So basically I always did my homework and always respected any drug old or new which lead in the interest of harm reduction. After many years of experimenting safely and keeping myself out of A&E we fast forward to 2012. It's Christmas day and the misses and I break open our bag of mpa and begin to enjoy our Christmas evening. As expected we had a great night and were still going boxing day morning.. work looming I decided to take a small bomb to keep me going til I finished my shift. I returned home after work and saw that misses had been relaxing all day. We have a few drinks and then decided that as it was Xmas we'd continue our mpa session where we left off. Another great night filled with chatting and laughs, before we know it its 4pm the next day but we continued our binge anyway. This went on from the 25th til new years eve which I was throwing a huge party for all my friends strangely even though I hadn't slept for a week I felt good and was in good shape for the night ahead. People turn up and the party gets better and better. At this point in time I couldn't tell you how much mpa I'd consumed over the past week but I'd put in somewhere in the range of 2-3 grams. Once the party was banging I dropped a 6apb pill which was lovely. Friends are offering me cocaine which added a nice cherry to my already ample buzz! I start to mellow out so continue to snort more mpa and dropped a bomb of mpa/mdai which must of been around 150mg. The bomb felt lovely and the party was amazing. Eventually people start to filter home and there was 5 or 6 of us left in comedown territory. Still not feeling fatigued at this point I decided that some mxe would be a good way to finish off my longest ever bender. Mxe has strange relationship with my body, I hate the stuff unless its the early hours of the day and ive been getting on it all night previously. If I did mxe sober it wasn't nice but had found it to be amazing fun while coming down. We all do a few lines, probably 10 to 20mg at a time as. I didn't want anyone falling down the rabbit hole on my conscious. After a few hours everyone leaves.and its just me and the message left. Still feeling like I was completely fine we decided to carry on with some more mpa/mdai. This carries on until January 3rd. We finally decided to call it a day but then got wind that my friend was in need of a place to stay for the night and had been getting on it himself that night. He turns up and I tell him about the epoc long bender me and the mrs had been on for the past 10 or so days. Against my better judgement I decided to open my bag of ethylphenidate and we begin to share it railing small lines at a time on a count of only having tried it once before. Anyway mrs and friend say that its really strong, I disagreed but liked it none the less. Early morning approaches again so back came the mxe. I gave friend a small line knowing that he will like it as he is fond of ketamin, after a couple more lines he begins to flake and doesn't like it. He wasn't in any danger or even tripping just felt a bit too detatched from reality. I talked him through it and he calmed down soon after. Somehow beyond me mrs decides she's going to sleep and does so. Friend follows suit and also goes to sleep. This is where things start to finally go wrong. After being awake for so long and everything that was in my system I lost sight of everything that Id prided myself on in regards to drug taking, such as respecting them, knowing my limits, harm reduction and generally taking them responsibly. But in this uninhibited state I decided that I wanted to experience my first 'hole' or profound psychedelic experience as I'd never witnessed either. I continued to do more and more mxe each line bigger than the last in hope that something magical was going to happen. Unfortunately this was not the case. I remember using my phone to call a friend and inform them of what I'd done and that to ring either my mrs or friend to keep an eye on me. The next thing I remember is waking up on my bed is looking at mrs and friend and had no idea who they were, they tried to remind me who I was and what I'd been doing and that I'd been in a hole of some sorts but for all I ones I was just unconscious. After a while I begin to return to 'normal' and a friend comes round to drop me off some diazepam as I was still not on the planet and becoming very very agitated. Memorys resume from this moment on and I remember that I was fully tripping from the mxe still and were asking my friend who dropped off the vallies to stay as I'd feel more safe with more people around me but he couldn't stay and told me I was and would be fine. At this point panic/mania really set in as they wouldn't listen when I said I knew I was in a bad way and was really scared. After taking around 60-70mg of diazepam I calmed down and slept for a while. I woke up after a few hours but still wasn't right in the head and decided as I'd been cheated out of my 'big bang' that I was looking for I would continue. At this point mrs steps in and puts her foot down. We begin to argue but she knows that I wasn't myself at all and I needed to stop but this just enraged me for some reason, we argue like mad worse than ever before. I'm really losing the plot by this point so she rings friends to get them to come round and try and convince me that I needed rest. By now I'd literally lost my mind. I was hysterical, crying and sobbing after arguing and then having troubling things from my childhood manifest themselves in my mind. The result of this is that I was going to kill myself and that I hated life and was miserable even though my life has been hard I've never once considered suicide but I was too far gone. I remember just grabbing all the alcohol I could find left from the party and every bit of drugs I had left, and anything else I could get my hands on to aid my suicide. I necked atleast half a bottle of rum, wine and random other spirits. By this point I was apparently absolutely thrilled that I was going to die. I ate the remaining mpa/mdai/mxe I had left along with some shit mdma pills that I found and sat on the bathroom floor piling it all in while fighting off mrs. I manage to swallow everything and ate 150mg of diazepam. For around 10 minutes I was over joyed that I was going to die, memory fails here and I pass out. Friends arrive and manage to wake me up and gained little coherenta from me. After a while I stopped responding and 999 was called. Paramedics arrive and assume id OD'D on heroin as my pupils had virtually disappear due to all the mxes opiod action. I was put in the bulance and remember telling the paramedic how careful I usually am and how what id become was everything id strived to avoid. My memory cuts in and out but I remember laying on a gurney waiting for a bed, memory fails again and I wake up and see mrs standing over me then noticed the nurse taking lots of blood samples. Apparently at thus time I was really funny and flirty and was obviously enjoying myself so I'm told. The next thing I know I've woke up in intensive care (dressed in my tiger suit one-zie that id been carried out my flat in. Not knowing what was happening I got up and asked what'd happened and they explained my suicide attempt. I phoned mrs to come and pick me up and for some reason I was incredibly angry that I was still alive. I was still not myself at all and began to shout at mrs saying that I should be dead and that I was gonna do it again that night. I was so off my face still while we were driving home from the hospital we were going mental at each other again and on the dual carriage way I tried to kill us both I assume as while we were doing 70mph I pulled up the handbreak, we spun out of control but luckily didn't crash. Clearly I'm still mental but we get home and I go straight to the shops and load up on painkillers in order to trt an off myself again. Mrs has to go back at home and all my friends showed up as word had got round what had happened. It took roughly a week before I was really back to normal and was obviously disturbed by the whole thing but I was so overwhelmed by the support from my friends that I realised that ive never wanted to kill myself before despite hardships and that it was the extreme drug doses and having been awake for so long and basically freaking out after a very very bad mxe trip. This gave me comfort and I agreed that I wouldn't of done it otherwise but it was hard to get my head around none the less. My friends took turns looking after me for a week keeping an eye on me and just keeping me company it was so amazing and I realised how really lucky I was to be alive! Like so very lucky! In a moment of madness I nearly killed myself and if you could regret stuff when you're dead then I would of. Ive been on zoloft since it happened just in case and to help with the trauma bit here we are now at the begining of march I am so pleased to still be here so to anyone that feels hopeless its not I can promise you! I know how it feels to be that desperate that you actually go through with it but if I had succeeded it would of been awful for everyone that tried to help me, the paramedics, the doctors that saved my life. I owe it to them to be greatful I'm still here. My work found out because while I was trying to commit suicide I was due on shift.. but I didn't give my job much thought at the time I didn't think I was gonna be needing one. I didn't speak to them for a few days and I turned up to tell my manager where I'd been for days and she took me down to the doctors and said she would support me and not to worry about losing my job which was a relief..3 days later I got a letter in the post saying id been sacked and I just wanted the earth to swallow me up, I lost all hope again and thought there was no way out of such a mess. But with a positive attitude and sheer determination I managed to get my shit together and got myself a new job within 3 weeks. It was so hard, so so hard but I needed to find a new job to pay my upcoming rent and bills, I've never felt so desperate but I turned that into the drive I needed to fix things best I could!
I get that ultimately it was my own fault for taking the piss, its obvious that if you push your body that hard its eventually gonna snap but I just wanted to share the story with bluelighters to see what they make of it
... and this 3 time!
i was seeing a psychologist but can't afford it anymore so basically, no ain't got no therapy avaible at this moment but maybe i should restart looking like really soon cause im pissed off to be mad like half of the time for nothing. I'm afraid that one dayz i'm just gonna explode and do something i shouldn't 8(
