Alcoholism discussion thread v. 5.0

[n3ophy7e]

I am still drinking too much, but i am aware of it as a problem now, its now up to me how i approach that problem, it scares and also gives me a feeling of control at the same time, only i will be able to change how i behave, i just need to show the courage and swallow some pride and maybe seek some help

Yep I know that exact phase, and whilst it's a great step (admitting to yourself the extent of your problem) yeah it's also pretty damn terrifying. You are absolutely right though, you are in control of what happens next. Bite the bullet and seek some help. It's hard, I know, but eventually you will be so glad you did.

i probably repeat myself a lot on here, my apologies if i am being tedious

Mate I've been repeating myself in these alcoholism threads for FOUR fucking years! No need for apologies, we're all in the same boat

Tomorrow will be day 3 .... an im goin abit haywire... Its a little bit better tonight although i realised i havnt had one emotional breakdown since i put tha drinks down, so i really wanna stick with this coz this mixin with meds shit, its just not on anymore i mearly losin ma head here, just glad i came to the decision. Massive nicotene habbit forming due to the E cigs, but its better than smokin real ones, wish me luck for some sleep tonite

Man that is great to hear, 3 days is a good break!! Nice work. Just remember that in replacement of alcohol, you need to do some kind of activity that gives you relaxation and pleasure. You cannot deny yourself of that, otherwise you're just going to falter and go back to drinking. I know, because I've done it billions of times before. I coast along for a few days without drinking, but as soon as I let my guard down and am stuck with some free time and no activities planned to keep me distracted, I go straight back to the bottle. What activities can you do to help yourself avoid considering alcohol as an option?



So I'm off to the doctor today to get a naltrexone script. I've also been reading up on Campral....has anyone here tried it before? From what I read it's similar to naltrexone, and the two can even be taken at the same time for added effectiveness. I don't even know if it's available in Australia, I guess I'll have to wait and see.

This morning as I was laying in bed snoozing off my hangover, I was also considering getting a script for Antabuse while I'm at it, just in case the naltrexone doesn't work well enough to keep me from drinking. Just as a safety blanket kinda thing. I know a few people here have tried Antabuse....is it the sort of thing that I can just take as a one-off dose say, before a party or something like that, to make sure I don't drink?? Or would I need to take it every day for a few weeks (as its usually prescribed)?

 

[RedLeader]

Tomorrow will be day 3 .... an im goin abit haywire... Its a little bit better tonight although i realised i havnt had one emotional breakdown since i put tha drinks down

Give it another day, two at most, and it's going to feel significantly better. Especially physically, after about 4 days sober, your body will really start to feel healthier, and a lot of the physical side-effects that alcohol gave you will be gone. You'll start sleeping really well, be able to eat big meals, your endurance will skyrocket, and in turn life will seem more manageable. You're so close, just hold on a bit longer! I'm so proud of you, mate!

Oh, and try and avoid all caffeine if you drink it. It always took me about 5-7 days before I could handle significant amounts of caffeine without it screwing with my anxiety.

 

[Vaya]

Today is 104. I thought I'd clarify what I meant when I said "it's day 101 and I'm miserable" before. I just mean that I'm still struggling with the fact that being an alcoholic and addict is just the tip of the ice berg for me. Being sober these past 3 months have brought me a lot of relief from chronic stress, my personality, my personal relationships, my sense-of-self and my purpose in the world. No doubt about that. But some days, hints of growing knowledge in these areas just isn't enough to sustain me.

I think most often about using and drinking during stressful situations, which my job has been nothing but this past month. I've been to the ER twice and three doctors in the past two weeks and am frankly sick of it. I'm tired of direct support with psychiatric, autistic and IDD client/patient populations. It ruins me mentally and spiritually. It makes me want to get high.

It's approaching the one-year anniversary of my having officially lost the most meaningful, long-lasting relationship of my life, in extremely large part due to drug addiction and alcoholism. I'm feeling very resentful, but trying to live in and enjoy the present rather than living in the past. I cannot take any of it back. Simple. But so hard. It makes me want to get high.

But each day, I'm trying to routinely give my love to the universe for the very fact that I'm alive that day, and aim for the ability to help others in order to help myself in many ways. Some (most?) days it's really difficult to even TRY and mean it, but I do try. More days than not, this is what keeps me afloat - and I am definitely still ascending from where I was 104 days ago. It's somehow so much easier to criticize myself than it is to give myself credit for the things I've done, and have to look forward to. It's a painful, beautiful...trying experience. Some days I am more connected to the process than others, but today was not one of those days, so, I appreciate the space to release some of that energy.

Wishing love and strength to all.

~ vaya

 

[S.M.F.G]

Oh vaya, i feel really terrible that you are feeling this way, even after so long!!
I still got my vices, alchohol is the one thats fucking with me the worst especialy with the meds im on it just shouldna been done now i gotta pay tha price
Tobacco is gone now also, but still on the E-cig so the change im my chest over tha last week or so has been dramatic!
Todays feelin a bit better but flattening is starting to creep up, but i gots my ma up here who helpin out and keepin an eye on me for a few days, night was shithouse... but a little more sleep. Wish me luck for today folks as i wish for all of you

n30 the biggest challenge now i agree is keeping busy, luckily i have a house inspection early in the week so i have plenty to do to get everything all spiffy and shit, after that im gonna have to work out some kind of plan. Will c how today goes

BN, ur gettin there from what ur postin, if uv cut down thats a first and a good thing!! stay strong bro

Redleader, rodger that... had a tea or two will cut em out, drinkin lots of water and powerade, trying to have six tiny little meals but so far i only been managing two... is better than nthing atm.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Vaya ~ you rock! Thank you for being exactly as you are, but especially for that last post up there you've graced us with !!!!

Struggle, and emerge.

 

[RedLeader]

Redleader, rodger that... had a tea or two will cut em out, drinkin lots of water and powerade, trying to have six tiny little meals but so far i only been managing two... is better than nthing atm.

That's great! The small meals and the high amount of water intake will work to speed up your metabolism a bit, which in turn will allow you to better control your weight/bodyfat (I don't know if this is an issue for you from either side) and do much better with exercise (I know you're a swimmer). I'd try and throw in essential vitamins (daily, omega-3, D3, B-complex) and some other supplements (milk thissle, folic acid, amino complex) to the extent you can afford. It's not baloney; you will notice a difference in how you feel and how you look.

A big reason why so many alcoholics are terrified of sobriety is because they feel so horrible during the sober hours of their drunken lives. But that's obviously a tainted way to judge sobriety, and as soon as you replace the hangover/shakes/anxiety with the results of some healthy living practices, sobriety takes on an entirely new light. It's no longer scary. Getting drunk again and screwing up the nice little sober rhythm you get going is what becomes scary.

You got it! I really have a good feeling about your future.

 

[Beat Narrative]

why is that only when i am really high on drugs/grog that i gain the insight into the path of sobriety

once i am sober this thought process seems to leave my mind

arghhhh, i just thought i would put this here as a reference point to myself . i am high on lsd and vodka right now, i seem to have all my lifes problems solved, i thought this might act as a reference point for sober me

maybe i should have not used such a public forum for personyal annaysis, please detele if needed

 

[Vaya]

Thank you toothpastedog and SMFG for your kind words....

maybe i should have not used such a public forum for personyal annaysis, please detele if needed

naaaahhh, you're good
Take a small step back, though, and understand (as I've no doubt you must already) that your perceptions of reality on LSD and alcohol will be invariably different from those when you're sober and lucid. LSD has a way of allowing me to more easily transcribe fantasy into reality. This is really appealing, obviously, but you must not beat yourself over the head if you find yourself unable to act in accordance with unrealistic thinking!!

~ vaya

 

[blahman8000]

So I`m laying here in bed at a hospital detox. I`ve been here for a few days, and the doxtors have certainly given me a few wakeup calls, along with the results of my lab tests. I`m lucky to be alive.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Well, shit, glad to have you with us blahman8000!!! waz been go'n on my friend?

 

[Vaya]

So I`m laying here in bed at a hospital detox. I`ve been here for a few days, and the doxtors have certainly given me a few wakeup calls, along with the results of my lab tests. I`m lucky to be alive.

Welcome... do you want to elaborate on what happened?

Happy to hear you are safe!

~ vaya

 

[Cohesion]

I am in the beginning stages of alcoholism.. So scary.

Drinking almost every day/night for 2 months. Total I have had maybe 10 (of 60) days without!

It's being justified for now because I "still live with my ex". I tell myself the drinking will end when I move out. (Which is definitely happening in 2-4 weeks )

To boot, I began waiting tables 2 months ago. There is an unhealthy aura about this culture.

Even tonight I realize that buying this wine is further rooting my neurons to wire together night+alcohol. If I forced myself to go without this point -- my condition is not so stuck on drink that anything would happen other than massive obsession until I finally fall asleep.

When I move out and expect to stop cold turkey the obsession is going to be bigger every day I currently have stopped following mandatory days in-between of sobriety.

I'm sick and I'm still drinking.

__________

I will get through it. My daughter is coming back into my custody by summertime.

 

[Beat Narrative]

naaaahhh, you're good
Take a small step back, though, and understand (as I've no doubt you must already) that your perceptions of reality on LSD and alcohol will be invariably different from those when you're sober and lucid. LSD has a way of allowing me to more easily transcribe fantasy into reality. This is really appealing, obviously, but you must not beat yourself over the head if you find yourself unable to act in accordance with unrealistic thinking!!

~ vaya[/QUOTE]

thank you for your considered and rationale reply, it is probably not constructive for me to post on here while i was a high as i was last night, thankyou for understanding and insight, whilt i may not be making many steps towards recovery i am really valuing the peer support of bluelight, i will atenpt to be more constructive as oppsed to self indulgent in my contribution

well sober ben certainly did not have the clarity and concise thought that phychedelic induced ben seemed to have last night

thank you for allowing me this forum to use as a form of self expression, its been a great outlet and is preventing from exhausting the patience of those close to me
today is reduced alcohol consumption day, jsut two beer and a valium and an early night after lasts night bender

Vaya and n30 (i hope i got that right) you have given me a lot of food for thought, how i use that thought is only something i can do but thanks for planting the seeds

i am sure a post of self hating and loathing due to my inability to not drink is only a matter of days away, but i am striving for that not to be the case

and once gain, thanks for the outlet and constructive support

 

[S.M.F.G]

Day 4 has gone by much the same as day 3 did,,, i gots some sleep last nite, restless sleep and had to get up early to go fuck around over the other side of town... Most of the day i been resting other than that, willl not be hanging up too late either, got some new stuff to watch, HEctic tomorrow gots to fuck about with govt shit and get some stuff cleaned up, pleased to say i went past tha bottleshop today and didnt even have an inclining of wanting to go in, Lets hope I can keep that frame of mind, for the health of my mind....

 

[n3ophy7e]

But each day, I'm trying to routinely give my love to the universe for the very fact that I'm alive that day, and aim for the ability to help others in order to help myself in many ways. Some (most?) days it's really difficult to even TRY and mean it, but I do try. More days than not, this is what keeps me afloat - and I am definitely still ascending from where I was 104 days ago. It's somehow so much easier to criticize myself than it is to give myself credit for the things I've done, and have to look forward to. It's a painful, beautiful...trying experience. Some days I am more connected to the process than others, but today was not one of those days, so, I appreciate the space to release some of that energy.

This is why you are so amazing But please remember to give us much love back to yourself, as you give out to others

why is that only when i am really high on drugs/grog that i gain the insight into the path of sobriety

Why?? Because when you're high/drunk, your brain is numbed and isn't screaming out for the substance(s) which is needs in order to numb it. You feel like your "thinking clearly" and able to plan out your short- to medium-term life. But then when you're sober again the receptors in your brain are panicking and in overdrive, and they need something to numb them, hence all you can think about is getting high/drunk. I always experience this phenomenon.....whenever I'm really drunk and depressed I will say to myself "Right, TOMORROW is the day that I am going to quit drinking!! For real this time! It'll be easy, I can do this". But then tomorrow afternoon comes along and my brain/body is craving alcohol again and I eventually have to give in. It even happens on that very day: I will wake up with the most heinous of hangovers and think "Okay, TODAY is the day I quit drinking!! No more drinks for me. This is it. For REAL this time." And, well, you can guess where I'm going with this....

So I`m laying here in bed at a hospital detox. I`ve been here for a few days, and the doxtors have certainly given me a few wakeup calls, along with the results of my lab tests. I`m lucky to be alive.

blahman I am glad to hear that you're in detox and have had some tests done. It doesn't sound like the results are that good but I sincerely hope this will add to your motivation to get sober Take care mate.

Even tonight I realize that buying this wine is further rooting my neurons to wire together night+alcohol. If I forced myself to go without this point -- my condition is not so stuck on drink that anything would happen other than massive obsession until I finally fall asleep.

The very fact that you are so aware of the potential problem that is brewing, is a good sign. May I make a suggestion? If you want to take a break one night/some nights (which you should strongly consider doing), plan something to do that night that doesn't involve alcohol, and that effectively takes your mind off drinking. Exercise is a GREAT option because not only does it take up time in the evening when you would usually be drinking, but also, a) it dehydrates you and makes you less likely to want any alcohol, you're more likely to want WATER instead, and b) exercise releases endorphins which make you feel really good and neurochemically distract your brain from alcohol cravings. If you're not the exercising type, perhaps go and see a movie instead, or go out to dinner with a friend who doesn't drink (or at a restaurant that doesn't serve alcohol). What do you think hun?

 

[Jean-Paul]

ONCE AGAIN i have probably pissed off the roommates i am not friends with. (there is a couple here w/ a baby in addition to my friend). so my friend left for the weekend and yesterday i was feeling really depressed and hostile towards myself and decided to drink even though i know it isn't good when i drink alone. there just wasn't anything to do for various, annoying reasons. well i woke up and there's liquor i cannot account for and i asked my friend if the others messaged him to complain about anything and he just logged off. there are various things that could have happened i suppose....that he couldnt message me back. but it doesn't fare well for me, probably. i was really hoping i could have one night where my fucking insanity could just...be quiet and contained and unnoticable? this is why i don't befriend married people with children.

 

[Jean-Paul]

oh, he just messaged me. they didn't message him. that means i'm in the clear. that makes two nights now i've gotten away with being insane. maybe i'm getting better at holding my liquor even when i black out. but that doesn;t make much sense.

 

[DexterMeth]

I am in the beginning stages of alcoholism.. So scary.

Drinking almost every day/night for 2 months. Total I have had maybe 10 (of 60) days without!

It's being justified for now because I "still live with my ex". I tell myself the drinking will end when I move out. (Which is definitely happening in 2-4 weeks )

To boot, I began waiting tables 2 months ago. There is an unhealthy aura about this culture.

Even tonight I realize that buying this wine is further rooting my neurons to wire together night+alcohol. If I forced myself to go without this point -- my condition is not so stuck on drink that anything would happen other than massive obsession until I finally fall asleep.

When I move out and expect to stop cold turkey the obsession is going to be bigger every day I currently have stopped following mandatory days in-between of sobriety.

I'm sick and I'm still drinking.

__________

I will get through it. My daughter is coming back into my custody by summertime.

Worst idea ever. You should stop drinking now. Trying to stop when you move out is only going to make stopping that much worse, and probably impossible. Quit while you're ahead. You sound like you more or less know what you're doing, so get with it already.

 

[Beat Narrative]

tonights aim, more wine in the bolganaise than in my stomach

i am so lucky, my gf sat down with me last night and said she is not angry with me, just worried about me, i don't deserve that love but i am amazingly greatful for it

 

[DexterMeth]

I hope you told her that, and not just us. It's not too late if you haven't. It's never too late. You're lucky.