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BL/TDS Self-Harm Support: Thread 4

Mugz I showed my mental health worker my 2 week old cuts all over my left arm and left thigh, they won't lock you up, rather get you the help you need counselling and meds. I've been doing it for 2 years now and I am getting better at controlling myself, if I feel the urges I type furiously in my journal app, it helps as I can draw pictures in it and put photos in to keep it up to date for my drs.

It really helps me, you should try it.

Love to you, pm me anytime you want, cry vent or rage or just a sympathetic ear,

Healing thoughts <3
 
i just keep thinking of laying my neck onto a train line and being decapitated by a train moving at high speed. how long will i live no longer than 5 seconds surely

It just seems like the best answer to everything in my life



EDIT*

few hours later im thinking differently and have walked the dog a long way and am now about to do my weights.
 
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^ I'm so glad! That post sums up one of my main reasons for thinking suicide isn't the answer to psychological pain - things always change.. sometimes it takes months, sometimes 2 hours of getting out and about and doing things you enjoy :)

So pleased DSSam! :) <3
 
separating thought from action and recognizing that every thought doesn't require action can be difficult
i ran the gamut today from wanting to get high, to physically harming myself, to ending it
these are all thoughts and thoughts only
the exact nature behind these compulsions are based on self-loathing, having no value, nurturing values that have no worth to others, improvement of self that is sneered upon by others.

My ideals are solid and pure

the thoughts come and they leave but the actions remain at check
why? because there is evidence from experience that it was good before and it will be good again. I will be good again

pain provides an opportunity to grow. Life doesn't revolve around my ideals and no one can endure such high expectations
these feelings will always have their ebbs and flows. I can't change the thoughts. I can't change the feelings. I can only change how I react to them.
the exact nature isn't pretty but its honest

I can't do fantasy any longer (for good or bad)
If its fantasy then it isn't real. If it isn't real then it isn't true. If it isn't true then it isn't honest. Honesty is the only real reality and its ugly and painful and it shatters those comforting illusions I tell myself in order to get through a day
With the self-fed lies all gone away there's nothing else left but acceptance and a need to be courageous in regards to taking action towards positive change

I'm better than a drug. I'm better than a knife. I can do better in this life
escape isn't an option because I'll always find myself. So best face me 'now' so I can have a better 'later'
 
^ Some really good words there, it all flows together so well. In respect to that post i will not consume any substances today haha.

Effie do you have a black cat by any chance Lol. my brother does, its called ozzy but its a she but he didnt name it.

That post in this thread the other day with my intentions. Well unfortunately they have been like that, like an episode a day for many many years of my life but im slowly learning ways to get around it,

I am able to use ketamine once a week and that has done the trick for a long time, i mean i went from having a Feeling/thought of a way out of life nearly every day (Even when i was in a relationship, working, had own place) lost all of that probably as a result because my wife said to me: Its crazy how your fine half the day and in a good mood then wanting to die the other half, in no particular order and i just cant take it anymore'

I started doing a dose of ketamine on a weekly basis for around 4 months now, and there was around 2 whole months where a single suicidal thought didnt cross my mind. However ive been on a 28 day course of antibiotics atm, for prostatitis which are a CYP450 inhibitor so its making the ketamine not as effective but its still working a bit.

I actually stopped taking ketamine for 3 weeks in case they would react with the antibiotics, but on week 3 i seriously needed to take some ketamine because i was planning on topping myself everyday all week, so i did make it to 3 weeks without it but it was so hard on that last week, it was scary.

Its okay, one more day of taking them, tommorrow then im free again.
 
I didn't reopen the cut and the scab has gone now and there isn't a scar for the doctor to see tomorrow. I'm not feeling like doing it again tonight. I think my little flutter with cutting is over, wonder if the doctor will ask to look at my knee tomorrow anyway? :\
 
Mugz I don't think you need scars to prove that you need help right now, just be honest and tell the doctor the truth about what you're currently going through. They should be able to gauge what kind of help you need just from that.
Good luck <3
 
Thanks :)

I am pretty sure you are right, as was said earlier on in the thread.

I think I probably do need some sort of help right now but I don't think that my GP will be in any way be able to provide the help I need. I'm going anyway at the request of others, and who knows, maybe it will benefit me. Is probably why I have insomnia tonight, thinking about this stupid GP appointment that I don't want to go to.
 
Wow, nobody, you have a good friend there. It is not often that people are real with us when it is difficult. What you did is most definitely self harm and I'm sorry that you felt you had to do that.

When you say that you aren't sure that you want to do anything about it, do you mean addiction or underlying issues or both? Feel free to PM me if you'd rather not go into detail here. But whatever you do, don't hurt your body.<3
 
It's one of those blue moments in my life where I look at the scars on my wrist and think, why couldn't it have worked?

Since coming out of my fantasy land these last few months... I kinda find myself thinking sometimes... I want to go back in. :(.
 
^^ Yeah I know that feeling Tripman. But the fantasy land thing, as comforting as it can be, is not sustainable for very long before we are forced to face reality for what it is. It's much more effective to face your issues head-on so you learn how to cope with them. I know it's hard, and sometimes scary, but in the long run it's the better option. PM me if you wanna chat okay? Take care man <3


nobodyspecial, yeah, punching walls with the intent of causing damage to yourself is self-harm. But as herbavore said you have a very good friend there, it takes courage for someone to be that honest. She truly cares for you. What is holding you back from seeking help, like she suggested? <3
 
nobodyspecial said:
You know the whole old school bottle it up sort of thing, it was ok to break down when I was younger but now it seems like I should be past that
My whole life I have just replaced one addiction with another and maybe things are catching up and i am too pussy to admit it
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Yeah I know what you mean man. However on the contrary it sounds like you are coming to terms with your problems, which as you said, takes courage. I understand that the "strong man" image you have of yourself is very important to you, as it is to most men and a lot of women too, and I hope you realise that if you admit to yourself that you have problems and begin to start dealing with them, you actually don't have to compromise your strong image at all. I believe it actually takes more courage and strength to deal with our problems, than to ignore them and keep coasting along in our safe zone. Know what I mean?
 
Mate, you're not a pussy at all so please stop telling yourself that <3
One thing is for sure, your kids will NOT be better off if you were dead. Absolutely not. Kids NEED a father, even if he's 4000km away. If anything were to happen to you it could seriously mess them up for the rest of their lives, especially if you were to take your own life. I know things are really hard for you right now man, but it's not going to be this way forever. Things will change for the better, just give it time.

Is there a way you can move closer to your kids, or see them more frequently? I know the system is terrible for dads but if you keep fighting, you should be able to get visitation rights. Don't give up <3
 
^ Reading that post actually made me smile - I know I don't know you, and I haven't been following this thread for a little while as I've been on a break from TDS, but it is so fantastic to read such a positive post! I am genuinely very happy for you :D <3
 
Ah no, I don't have a personal interest in this thread as such - it's just that I moderate this forum so usually I try to read all the posts :)

Things have been tricky for me lately but I think they are getting back on track now. Thank you for asking :) <3

If you are interested in my story (you may well not be, I won't be offended! :) ) then see this thread.

I'll stop derailing the self harm thread now, just wanted to say how pleased I was that things had turned around for you :)
 
Im feeling the urges again, i cant wait to get my psychiatric nurse so i can actually have meds that help me. I hate it when the pain and darkness attack me, it's so hard not to succumb. My arm is already full of scars, and my thigh. I wont do it, i wont. But i want to
 
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