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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

So my detox starts tomorrow. Going to need some support.

shady4091 said:
Ever think about CWEing your hydros? Or do you have a fairly limited supply?
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I got a good 3 week supply. And I would love to, but I am currently still living with my father due to this accident cause I cant work so I don't want to do all that infront of him. He is always around because he too is dissabled and was forced to retire so he's around the house adl. Plus he's already against pain meds he has so many problems with his back and he pops a 800mg IBProfen and fights the pain. I couldn't do that shit.
 
Ah, I see. That's pretty weak then... At least your getting some relief from smoking up.. That doesn't really help with pain for me at all, though it does wonders for the boredom and to take my mind off that withdraws. I don't know if I would would ever survive a detox without it to be honest.

Anyway, to update, today is infinitely better than yesterday in pretty much every way. I slept a whole lot better last night (although I woke up at 8 with pretty bad heartburn) and the overall withdraws are at a minimum. I was able to finish my Christmas shopping and I managed to stay away from Wal Mart. Fuck that place. Today is five days since I last did any opiates and it's D-Day in a sense. I always give in on day five. Not today though, that's for sure. I'm brimming with optimism and this is probably the best I've felt, opiate-free, since I started this thing two months ago. First time I've actually felt somewhat happy, or at the very least, not horribly depressed.
 
^ And got there sooooooo much faster than last time too, eh Shady? That's sure to have a bearing on how good you're feeling relative to last time out I think, cos you'd completely exhausted yourself by this point last time round and had no energy left to fight the occasional dips in mood. Hope it continues for you mate. :)
 
I'm so glad to hear that things are improving shady! :)

You have done so well - you should be very proud :) <3
 
Thanks guys! Woo, day six! Feels like it's been sooo much longer than that but this is the best I've ever done. It's not much but it's a start. I'd say the physical is 90% over now. The only complaint I have today is my stomach, since I've been out of Loperamide since yesterday and the stomach effects seem to just pick up right where they left off. I still have somewhat of a nervous energy feeling but it might just be sober anxiety that I'm going to have to get used to for a while. Besides my stomach, I don't think I'm going to get much better than this physically. Sleep is still a problem. While I don't have too much trouble actually falling asleep, I wake up a lot and feel very stiff until I actually get up. The dreams of finding pods, picking up seeds, and scoring Codeine aren't showing any signs of stopping anytime soon either. Weird thing about the pod dreams though, is that all the pods I find in my dream are rotten and moldy. Sometimes they're even buried underground which makes no sense at all. And they're usually massive, like the size of a grapefruit but they just look gross as fuck.

Now, as the natural high of being through the acute withdraw wears off I have to start adjusting myself accordingly. The harder part, I'd say. I need to start going out and being social, without the self-esteem boost of the opiates, which is a daunting task in itself. I'm normally a fairly socially anxious person to begin with, now it's going to be even worse.

All in all though, a year ago, I would have thought being where I am right now was totally impossible. I never thought I'd even be able to get off the seeds and on to something weaker, much less quit completely. Still, it's only been six days.
 
shady4091 said:
The dreams of finding pods, picking up seeds, and scoring Codeine aren't showing any signs of stopping anytime soon either. Weird thing about the pod dreams though, is that all the pods I find in my dream are rotten and moldy. Sometimes they're even buried underground which makes no sense at all. And they're usually massive, like the size of a grapefruit but they just look gross as fuck.
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I still occasionally have them even ten years on Shady. I don't know they ever go away completely, but they are few and far between these days. They're always frustration dreams too, exactly like the ones you describe. I'm either trying to score but can't because I'll get trapped in a chain of events that keep me from getting my hands on the gear, or I'll have the gear and the wherewithawal but again all kinds of unlikely events get in the way and make sure I can never get things together enough to hit the stuff up. They're bizarre, and God knows what a Freudian would make of them? :lol:
 
Ah yes, the inevitable frustration dreams. Finding a mad stash of poppies growing but too many people around to raid it, finishing off a poppy seed wash/CWE only to have it spill everywhere, random people showing up keeping me from doing any of it, suddenly losing them out of nowhere etc. I'm not sure which dreams are actually more frustrating though, the ones where I'm denied the high straight out, or the ones where everything's going as planned and then I wake up...

I love "interpreting" dreams though. I take the dreams I have where I find rotten pods as a sort of metaphor for how I really feel about them subconsciously. Rotten and poisoning me. Pretty interesting stuff.
 
Well today is finally a week since I've taken anything, so hurray! :)

I feel about the same as yesterday, I'm not really physically withdrawing anymore but I sure as hell don't feel like "myself". I doubt I will for quite a while. I think this is a good as it's gonna get for now, which is kind of a depressing thought in itself. I have to go and be social with my family for the next three days now, which I'm not looking forward to at all. Just putting on a smile and pretending to be happy is exhausting. I'm going to be mentally worn right out by the end of this weekend. But I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and I'll be back in a few days.
 
after a week i was delighted to interact with other people. gave me something new to do.

mid afternoon though i was kinda spent. i got a burst of energy in the morning that would last till like 3, then slowly go down to a crash around 5, then blah till i went to bed basically.
 
also, fuck christmas shopping. i just drank with my girl for a bit till she thought it would be a good idea for us to go to tiffany and have her pick up what she wants. i spent an extra 200 bucks on her but i started and ended my shopping in 5 minutes.

i fucking hate christmas shopping so much. fuck that. esp when your dopesick? i wouldn't even do it let everyone be mad for a year fuck em
 
Yeah man, that was pretty much the worst. And it was pointless since I didn't even end up buying anything. Christmas wasn't as terrible as I thought it was going to be though. I was through the physical withdrawal and hanging with the family kept my mind off things. I'm 11 days clean now, still don't feel like myself which is to be expected but overall I'm doing pretty good. Still have trouble sleeping and stomach issues but nothing too major. I'm definitely getting cravings though that seem to get worse and worse :( Every day it's more and more tempting because my tolerance is getting lower and lower. Pot is doing a dcent job at keeping me from being overly bored though, which is pretty damn important right now.
 
Shady, I'm so glad that Christmas was good as opposed to stressful. Are you doing any writing? I really hope you are because you have a talent for it anyway and it can be really therapeutic to just let everything pour onto the page.
 
I have been off and on working on a short story. Actually it'll probably be more of a long story when i'm done but I haven't done too much recently. Unfortunately, writing is triggering for me. Which really sucks cause I always loved to write, even before the drugs but I always felt infinitely more creatvie when I was high.

Ugh, today sucks. I feel like I don't even know why I'm bothering anymore. Again. It's such a common and familliar feeling but it never gets any easier. I feel like a complex machine trying to function without oil. Doesn't work too well. Like I mentioned, pot helps quite a bit and although I have no plans on quitting that, I don't want to turn in to someone who has to be stoned all the fucking time just to be any sort of happy. And it's not even that it makes me happy, just less anxious but it can only go so far. I have to find a job here really soon, my dad is getting on my case (with good reason) and I'll have to stop smoking for a bit because I'll have to take a drug test. I really don't know how I'm going to handle that. I'm now constantly bombarded with thoughts and cravings and really, I don't know how much longer I'm going to make it. I shouldn't be thinking like this but deep down I feel like this isn't the end. I'm going to eventually give in again, probably sooner than later. Hell, the only reason I've made it this long is because I just haven't been in to town since day 3 or something. If given the option now, I think I would give in. Once or twice every couple of weeks isn't bad, right?

/pessimism and delusion
 
shady4091 said:
If given the option now, I think I would give in. Once or twice every couple of weeks isn't bad, right?

/pessimism and delusion
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Note you signed off with the delusion thing, cos you know the once or twice a week thing being ok is your addict brain doing the rationalising it does oh so well to enable you to use, don't you? That's not a question btw, it's a statement, cos I know you know that's what you're doing. Addicts can never go back to recreational use IMO. It never works for them in my experience. The pull is too strong, because once you start using again the cravings when you're not using just go into overdrive, and you never give yourself time to get past them. They will pass Shady, I promise you, given time. Recovery is a long process, and it's measured in hours and days to begin with. Get through them one hour at a time without giving in, the hours turn into days, and then weeks.

We've discussed this before, but you'll be experiencing a lot of emotional flux right now, because they're not being stabilised anymore by the drugs. You have to relearn how to handle your real emotions again, because long-term addicts kind of forget how they feel, not helped at all by the fact that they're all over the place minute by minute, with occasional highs followed by deep emotional lows. We're unused to the intensity of them, and so negative emotions in particular seem to be particularly hard to deal with. Again, in time this too will pass. It will settle down pretty quickly if you let it, but again occasional use will mean you never get past them to a place that feels more settled, that you can live with more easily.

11 days clean. Is that further than you got last time? I think it is isn't? Whatever, keep counting the little victories, and rinse every last drop of pride out of them. You might feel shit, but no need for pessimism, cos so far you're winning! :)
 
Hey Shady, this disequilibrium is going to be a thing of the past if you keep going and put it there--otherwise you are going to have it eating away at you and taking big chunks out of your life even more. It's hard right now. Face it. It may even get harder before it gets easier but it will get not only easier but you will have transformed something in yourself, created something , claimed something that you didn't have before.

Don't worry about the writing. I was only asking because I thought it might help. You know I haven't even been able to look at my art materials since my son died. Sometimes life is so hard all you can do is keep breathing and focusing on setting and resetting the compass. (But you know, the writing doesn't have to be anything, it doesn't have to be creative, It could be writing THIS FUCKING SUCKS a hundred times on the same line of the page!) Eventually I know it will come back for you and for me.

Sometimes just naming the feeling can get you outside of it just long enough to get a brief respite. You feel hopeless or discouraged. Say it out loud. Right now I feel hopeless. You kind of try to take a step back and observe yourself having that feeling. The step back puts it in perspective. It isn't hopeless, but I am feeling hopeless. You can see yourself a as person that has feelings, very real feelings that make sense to feel but are not the reality outside yourself. You can talk back to the negative emotions like fear and despair. Put them in their place.

Don't give up. It's early. You know how badly you want this. Fight for it.
 
yeah i just wrote bullshit on the pages. havne't gone back to look at them yet either and i dont really want to.

it does suck though. i dont even smoke weed anymore because it fucks up my sleep and shit for the next week. you cant really do shit once in awhile because your left thinking about it afterwards and cravings to not be sober are drilled into your head.

still drink though. i cant get drunk really though because again ill be wanting to do it the next night.

us addicts really end up fuckin ourselves over
 
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