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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

So my detox starts tomorrow. Going to need some support.

Larson0 said:
did you make it?
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No... No, I sure didn't :(

Like I'm sure you may have suspected, I'm in the midst of a complete relapse right now. Going on almost three weeks. Mostly Codeine but I did do Poppy Seeds a few times as well. I'm pretty much right back where I started, only now I don't know if I'll ever be able to summon back the will power I had at the beginning of the month. I moved here thinking that no matter how bad I craved or wanted opiates, out here I wouldn't be able to get them. But the addicts brain really kicks into overdrive when it's desperate enough. It really saddens me to see this thread come so far and end up a complete failure on my end. I hope shit's going well for you though, Larson and I'm sorry I can't be the guy you can relate to anymore.

I'm going to be away from TDS for a while, basically like I already have been, until I feel like I'm ready to try again or I run out of methods of obtaining a fix. I don't know when that will be honestly. Right now it feels like never. Better luck next time... Maybe...
 
Hey man, don't get down on yourself. You are certainly NOT a failure for relapsing. I have been addicted to opiates for a number of years, and have detoxed countless times only to get back on the horse after a bit of clean time. I haven't used heroin since last Sunday, since I spent the week of thanksgiving in jail and had to kick there. Now I am doing my best to keep clean. But my point is, relapse is NOT failure. For many people it takes numerous tries to get it right. You just have to take it day by day. Say, "I am not going to use TODAY". Don't worry about tomorrow, or next week, or next month. Just do it one day at a time. If you make it thru one day, wake up the next day and say the same thing. And so on, and so on. Sooner or later you'll wake up one day and be like, "damn! I haven't used in 30 days!".

Stay strong my friend, opiate addiction is very very difficult. I have been addicted to them for a long time, and have been battling with it ever since. I'll save my life story for later, but if you need any support/advice/just want to chat when you're craving, definitely send me a PM and i'll be more than happy to talk with ya. :)

You're stronger than you think man, and I'm confident that you'll eventually make it thru to the other side. :)
 
shady4091 said:
Like I'm sure you may have suspected, I'm in the midst of a complete relapse right now. Going on almost three weeks. Mostly Codeine but I did do Poppy Seeds a few times as well. I'm pretty much right back where I started, only now I don't know if I'll ever be able to summon back the will power I had at the beginning of the month. I moved here thinking that no matter how bad I craved or wanted opiates, out here I wouldn't be able to get them. But the addicts brain really kicks into overdrive when it's desperate enough. It really saddens me to see this thread come so far and end up a complete failure on my end. I hope shit's going well for you though, Larson and I'm sorry I can't be the guy you can relate to anymore.
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The will and drive to quit will return, don't worry about that. Right now it's important to not beat yourself up over this and not look at this as a failure. Step back a moment and see if you can figure out what some of your mistakes were. Take some time to regroup and soon enough you'll be ready to give it another try! :) Don't give up on yourself. This probably seems like an incredibly dark and bleak moment in your life, but it's important that you don't dig the hole even deeper. Try not to get out of control with the amount you're dosing and really try to not look at it as a failure. Looking at it that way makes it easier for you to make an excuse to keep using.

In time you'll feel the drive come back. Build yourself up again so you can be ready to give it a good and legitimate shot. At the very least the next time you'll be entering in with even more experience and hopefully a few lessons learned. <3 :)


I've had problems with opiates for years and since I've been in the scene several years I know many, many addicts. Of all the addicts I know I can't think of a single one that got addicted to opiates and was able to successfully quit the first time they tried. If anyone has it's extremely rare.
 
I swear up and down that getting a doctor to help you out would be so beneficial. I understand your hesitation tho. I do. He helped me break my addictions and I am not labeled a drug seeker. But like the others said, stop beating yourself up. Your still doing good! Just know you got to work a wee bit harder. <3 your face!
 
yeah, Shady, c'mon. Resisting the voice that says you failed is one of the hardest parts. Slipping and failing are worlds apart. Give yourself the same understanding and respect that you would give to any of us. lots of love <3 is coming in from all over because you deserve as much as you can hold.
 
Thanks a lot guys, I can't even begin to explain how helpful you've all been and it's amazing how everyone here has put up with me for so long. I didn't mean for my earlier post to sound so self-loathing. I know this shit happens and I know it's going to be a long road ahead and I'm simply acknowledging that. I just feel like my resolve and will to quit has completely disappeared at the moment and I don't know when it's going to come back. I've fallen back into a sort of acceptance of my use again even though nothing has changed. All of the reasons for me wanting to quit in the first place are still there but it's so damn hard to argue with feeling happy and "normal" again. I know it won't last though and I really don't want to wait for the inevitable shit tornado my use will eventually cause just to give me a reason to quit. Unfortunately, I feel like my old reasons just aren't enough anymore, which is fucked but that's just how I feel.
 
Hey Shady. Yeah, you're right. Was 50:50 whether you'd gone quiet cos you didn't need us anymore, or cos you'd relapsed. Ah well. The addict's brain is a tricksy little bugger indeed. Where there's a will and all that? Don't beat yourself up too hard about it. Getting off is fucking hard, staying off is harder still, relapsing is the easiest thing in the world. If I was even older than I already am, I'd probably say going back to opiates is like putting on a comfy pair of old slippers? Just feel so damn good, and when you can't find them that's all you want.

Why d'you think you're reasons for quitting aren't enough anymore? You still think they're valid, but going back to using is better than where you were at not using? You've got to remember Shady you were at a stage where you'd had lots of negatives to deal with during and after detox, but had yet to truly feel the positives once the initial high of being clean wore off. There is inevitably a longish period of putting changes in your life into place where you'll be fighting feeling fucking miserable because while you're on opiates so long as you've got a supply you're either feeling good, or feeling level at least right where you are. When you stop emotions and real feelings come back and it's easy to become disheartened waiting for the positive changes you want. Suddenly you feel like shit and by comparison you're in a worse place than you were while you were using, because at least you were happy then, kinda, or so you tell yourself despite the knowledge that no, you weren't happy at all and that's why you decided to stop in the first place.

All ex-addicts have been through this Shady. It is part of the process, and it passes. You'd just not been there long enough to hold on to the progress you made. It may be a while before you can summon up the will to try again, but it will come, and probably sooner than you think, because at the end of the day Shady, despite your relapse, you did so fucking good fella, you really did. You showed real strength of character getting as far as you did. All you have to do next time is exactly what you did this time, knowing now that you can do it, and just hold on that little bit longer. Good things will come, I promise you.

Peace.
 
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you'll come back around. gotta let it run its course though before that happens
 
well i said you gotta let it run its course and i know how it is, but figure you put yourself through a month or more of hell and up and down detoxing. if you quit it now you can probably easily do it in 4-5 days.

you gotta have some hobbies though or responsibilities. sitting around listening to music is nice but i would always clean, work out, whatever. i also had work which kinda sucked a bit but helped so much and when you have people at work that know what you going through its a lot harder to relapse even if they dont give a fuck.

i would say next time you do it, go through 3-4 days and then apply for jobs. hope to get one within a week so you can relax and get that shit out. once you do start a job your brain and body will be stimulated and you'll be more exhausted so sleep will be easier to come by. i mean any job too. dishwash at a restaurant or something just do be doing something physical. you can always quit in a couple weeks and get a better job. dishwashing though nobody is gonna give a fuck if your out of it or whatever. plus your not sitting at home stewing on the fact that your craving or sick or whatever.

or go the suboxone route. i strongly suggest this but im someone it worked for
 
Hey, Shady, just popping in here on the off chance that you are reading this and to remind you that people here see you the same way we did on the first day you started this thread: as someone struggling with an addiction, not as someone failing to beat it. As Larson said, you know more now. You've still got my admiration and my faith.<3
 
Alright, well, after quite the relapse (Codeine, about 350mg a day, sometimes more) I'm finally ready to try and kick again. I used Poppy Seeds again three times this week and I realize this far too dangerous to continue. I Will NOT go back to being a daily poppy tea addict and that's exactly where I'm heading if I don't stop now, so I'm going to. No Codeine either, just some Loperamide. I'm on day two with nothing right now but it's not really day two, as I'm still not sick. With my low tolerance Poppy Tea usually keeps me good for a couple days. I should start feeling sick either later tonight or tomorrow. I don't know if I'm going to make it this time either, but I have a hell of a lot more optimism than I had a couple weeks ago during my relapse. I do feel ready again, so here we go. Again...
 
Good to hear you feel ready, Shady, and also glad for your sake that it didn't take too long for you to feel this way. I'm encouraged by your optimism. Support that with some practical plans for how to fill your time and you'll do all right. We are all here and have been all along.<3
 
Thanks herbavore :)

Okay so today is the real day two, I started getting sick yesterday evening, took 14mg of Loperamide before going to bed and I'm definitely feeling pretty shit today. I don't even really care though, this feeling has become so familiar to me. It still sucks but it's a tad easier to deal with. I have to help my dad fix a sink today and tomorrow is going to be Christmas shopping all fucking day. Fuck. I hate the holidays so god damn much and if all goes as planned this will be my first sober Christmas in almost five years. Not looking forward to next weekend at all... At least I'll be somewhat busy.
 
Hey Shady, good to see you back. :) Told you being ready for another try would come round sooner than you think, didn't I? :smug: ;)

Be great if you can get this done just in time for xmas. Fingers crossed the buzz of being clean once all the symptoms have stopped will hit just in time to make it a good one despite your present reservations. Best of luck fella.
 
Yeah man, I think deep down I knew I couldn't keep it up for long.

Fuck, today really really sucks. I'm finally home from "Christmas shopping" where I bought nothing because I couldn't think straight about what to get anyone. The absolute last thing I felt like doing today was wondering aimlessly through stores for hours. I somehow managed to fight the incredible urge to hit up the pharmacy in Wal Mart for some Codeine but I was an anxious wreck the whole time I was there, just fighting myself and my urges. I don't even feel proud for not giving in, in fact, I'm scorning myself right now for not getting any...

I barely slept at all last night and I've been having reoccurring dreams every night now about picking up bottles of Codeine. I get it in my hands, walk out of the pharmacy and wake up, every god damn night. Last night I had a couple of those dreams. I'm not feeling a lot of physical pain but I'm feeling a huge amount of general discomfort. Very antsy, constant feeling of nervous energy, nausea spells, and my body just feels like a cold empty shell. Basically, it feels like the exact opposite of being high. I'm really hoping today is the worst of it as I have to try round two of Christmas Shopping again tomorrow. Fuck, what a nightmare. I really really wish I would have just quit when I had nothing to do but sit around. Walking around crowded ass stores is really not something I want to be doing in withdraw. Especially with the temptation of the pharmacy right fucking there.
 
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I was keeping up with this thread a while ago, prob like a month ago I think. Anyways, I was in your position too shady. Except my love was for 1 gal, and her name is Opana. Fuck, I just hate typing the name and knowing I'm not on it right now typing this. I was in a recent car accident which was pretty bad on my end, and now i'm starting to go on pain medication and physical therapy. Sucks cause as you probaly know, they start you out on the lowest of all low opiates. My medicine is not cutting it right now (hydrocodone) because that fucking panda shot my tolerance up so fast. I'm in constant pain at the moment and it sucks cause I can't get any releif. Nothing... I may smoke just to take the edge off, that's all that helps, after ab out ohhhh 45min it's right back into the pain! What sucks is I remeber thinking recently, "damn you know what would suck? If I was in an accident and needed pain for whatever. I have a huge tolerance." I asked, and well, it was answered. Stop as fast as you can man, before you may actually need them.
 
Dude, no joke, that was a huge worry of mine when I was heavy into poppies. Every time I was driving with someone who was being all reckless I kept thinking "omg please don't let me get into a bad accident" cause I knew whatever they gave me wouldn't do shit. That's terrible though, I really hope you pull through and maybe your tolerance will go down enough in the next little bit to at least give you some pain relief from your meds.
 
shady4091 said:
Dude, no joke, that was a huge worry of mine when I was heavy into poppies. Every time I was driving with someone who was being all reckless I kept thinking "omg please don't let me get into a bad accident" cause I knew whatever they gave me wouldn't do shit. That's terrible though, I really hope you pull through and maybe your tolerance will go down enough in the next little bit to at least give you some pain relief from your meds.
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Word, I'm trying. Today I didn't take shit... I took 7 hydro 5/500 just to get A TINY BIT of relife. I took waaaay too much APAP so today I took nothing. Actually just smoked (cut if needed?) and I am in such relif at the moment. First time I felt like this since yesterday night when I smoked. Now, I'm enojying some Storage Wars pain free. It's pretty much badass. But yeah hydro's suck...
 
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