I got rid of the gun today. I gave it to my buddy who's a gun guy. I've had that gun 15 yrs but if I'm gonna have these feelings it has no place in here. I was fine today till I found out my bday card to my daughter was stolen. It had a gift card for 100$. I was mad at myself and paying the 10$ for priority shipping so I can track it. I don't know what I was thinking. More self hatred than suicidal. I can't take a shower. Ours has been tore up for a week and trying to get over to my buddies but he's bullshitting. Landlord owes me 60$. I helped her out Sat and payback was first thing Sunday. Then it was today. Now it's tomorrow. She's always really good about this. That's just some of the stuff. Living with this ostomy bag is a treat. I really hate my life, I really do. Always from bad to worse. Nothing good ever happens. I'm so sick of it and in sick of positive people who have no troubles preaching to people like me. I'm not religious but raised Catholic so it's like a chip in my brain and I don't know if there's heaven and hell but if you kill yourself you go to hell and I don't want that cause I wanna see my mom again one day. Might be kinda lame but if it keeps me alive its alright. I know I can't take much more bullshit. Chain smoking and drinking cheer wine like there's no tomorrow's I'm just tired. So very tired. I sleep great every night. It's nerves. I'd be having panic attacks around the clock if it wasn't for my kolonopin. I started to shoot up my dilaudid but I stopped that and promised I wouldn't do it again. I wish y'all had magical advice but I know you don't. Just knowing there's people out there that feels like me. Thanks