• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

Why Suicide Could Be the Answer

I got rid of the gun today. I gave it to my buddy who's a gun guy. I've had that gun 15 yrs but if I'm gonna have these feelings it has no place in here. I was fine today till I found out my bday card to my daughter was stolen. It had a gift card for 100$. I was mad at myself and paying the 10$ for priority shipping so I can track it. I don't know what I was thinking. More self hatred than suicidal. I can't take a shower. Ours has been tore up for a week and trying to get over to my buddies but he's bullshitting. Landlord owes me 60$. I helped her out Sat and payback was first thing Sunday. Then it was today. Now it's tomorrow. She's always really good about this. That's just some of the stuff. Living with this ostomy bag is a treat. I really hate my life, I really do. Always from bad to worse. Nothing good ever happens. I'm so sick of it and in sick of positive people who have no troubles preaching to people like me. I'm not religious but raised Catholic so it's like a chip in my brain and I don't know if there's heaven and hell but if you kill yourself you go to hell and I don't want that cause I wanna see my mom again one day. Might be kinda lame but if it keeps me alive its alright. I know I can't take much more bullshit. Chain smoking and drinking cheer wine like there's no tomorrow's I'm just tired. So very tired. I sleep great every night. It's nerves. I'd be having panic attacks around the clock if it wasn't for my kolonopin. I started to shoot up my dilaudid but I stopped that and promised I wouldn't do it again. I wish y'all had magical advice but I know you don't. Just knowing there's people out there that feels like me. Thanks
 
Just know that nowhere in the bible does it say anything about suicide being wrong. That's all stuff the clergy made up.
 
I know but I pretend. Isn't that what religion is anyway, pretending. My mom believed that so I will too. Perhaps narrow minded on my side but shit if it keeps me alive fuck it
 
closeau said:
I know but I pretend. Isn't that what religion is anyway, pretending. My mom believed that so I will too. Perhaps narrow minded on my side but shit if it keeps me alive fuck it
Click to expand...

No, it is about searching and finding which can only be found in the inside. If you get the impression, that everyone in your spiritual/religious group is just good in pretending, then I urge you to switch your group (however you call it in your terminology)
 
Don't get me wrong, I didn't mean to offend. I'm Catholic with a touch of Buddhism. I don't practice either religion but occasionally I'll go to mass. It's a wonderful Parrish and I try to be social when I go. I know what you're saying man what I meant is if you don't believe but still go that's pretending. I did it for years. When I used to get hit with depression like now I always looked to religion but never got relief. If I ever go back ityll be Buddhism. Christianity ain't my bag man but I usually keep my mouth shut out of respect for believers so if I offended I'm truly sorry.
 
It's been rough. It's been especially rough when I was angry as hell and realized it's that wonderful time of the month. I have a condition more severe than PMS, it's PMDD. It makes me more emotional and suicidal than ever. It makes you feel like your whole family died.

http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/heal...emenstrual_dysphoric_disorder_pmdd_85,P00580/

Some women may not even know they have it. Anyway, poppy seed tea has been keeping me feeling even emotionally. It helped to relax me and put me in a better mood. It's easy to make. Please don't ask me how. There's information if you look it up. Just saying it helps. Also, benzos help if you don't have tea because anxiety is through the roof during this time.

I'm still over life mostly, but I'm hanging in there. As painful as it is.
 
I've been there. I have been on the brink, where I honestly did not give a shit anymore. I know the struggle, believe me, I do. I am not here to tell you to stop, I do not know the depths of your sorrow. I do not believe suicide is cowardly. In fact, it does take a lot of balls to end your own life. I am not advocating it either. I will say to you what actually stopped me.
When you are truly drowning in the darkness and hope seems so far away, and death seems to be the only means to stop the pain, take a moment, breathe, go for a walk. Look at the world, make sure it is the last time you want to see its beauty. Remember tomorrow is only a day away, and maybe, just maybe the sun will come out.

A social worker with the VA helped me to see it this way. She is the reason I am still here. Remember though your pain may seem unique and you may feel you are completely alone, the truth is you are not. There are seven billion of us, there has to be at least one other person who feels the way you feel, or at least felt that way at one point. Its pretty amazing to see that just talking with someone who understands can lift the heavy burden you carry. Be well.
 
CoastTwoCoast-our daughter suffers from PMDD. Because she wasn't regular it took us years to figure it out. Six or so episodes every year, horrible despair, hopelessness, suicidal thoughts, totally unable to function. She was put on prozac, pulse dosing starting five days before and five days after her period begins. It is a relatively low dose, 20 mgs, but it has been, possibly literally, a life saver.
 
almostoptimistic said:
CoastTwoCoast-our daughter suffers from PMDD. Because she wasn't regular it took us years to figure it out. Six or so episodes every year, horrible despair, hopelessness, suicidal thoughts, totally unable to function. She was put on prozac, pulse dosing starting five days before and five days after her period begins. It is a relatively low dose, 20 mgs, but it has been, possibly literally, a life saver.
Click to expand...

It's amazing to see someone else on here who truly understands what PMDD is. I am crying my eyes out right now because it makes everything feel wrong. It feels like your whole world is crumbling down. Normally, I already deal with depression, but it's extreme during this time. It's a miracle I'm still alive with all this going on inside of my head.

Even people who are not normally depressed, experience severe depression during PMDD. I'm glad Prozac helped for your daughter. I'm going to have to suck it up and maybe try an anti-depressant during this time. I have literally been holding on for dear life every time PMDD comes around each month. It takes away a big part of my life. The symptoms start weeks before my period begins and lasts days into it so that gives me like what, one week of feeling ok? It's just not acceptable. I've been crying and praying for etizolam (a benzo if you're not familiar) to show up at my door today because I'm out of Klonopin. I was losing my mind. The mail came and THANK GOD my package is here. I just popped some etizolam and this should help me a great deal. I've been on the edge.

Your daughter is lucky to have a caring parent like you to get her help because PMDD can make someone kill themselves. It's the most horrible thoughts and emotional pain you can't even imagine.
 
No one said:
I've been there. I have been on the brink, where I honestly did not give a shit anymore. I know the struggle, believe me, I do. I am not here to tell you to stop, I do not know the depths of your sorrow. I do not believe suicide is cowardly. In fact, it does take a lot of balls to end your own life. I am not advocating it either. I will say to you what actually stopped me.
When you are truly drowning in the darkness and hope seems so far away, and death seems to be the only means to stop the pain, take a moment, breathe, go for a walk. Look at the world, make sure it is the last time you want to see its beauty. Remember tomorrow is only a day away, and maybe, just maybe the sun will come out.

A social worker with the VA helped me to see it this way. She is the reason I am still here. Remember though your pain may seem unique and you may feel you are completely alone, the truth is you are not. There are seven billion of us, there has to be at least one other person who feels the way you feel, or at least felt that way at one point. Its pretty amazing to see that just talking with someone who understands can lift the heavy burden you carry. Be well.
Click to expand...

Thank you for sharing. It's so hard to see, but you're right, the next day could be better. I'm feeling hopeful today because at least my medicine came and the pain can go away some. You be well too! This thread is proof we're not alone and others relate as well. I'm grateful for that.
 
I'm using this thread to vent, but I hate my house ever since my granny had to move in. My uncle has her watch his kids and I can't stand those fucking brats. One of them has been over here for a week already and now I was told another one is coming for a week. So that's going to be 2 of them here for a whole week or maybe more because they love to leave their kids here as long as they can. This other girl coming is the worst. She may be a little girl, but I can't fucking stand her. She's like 8 or so and the kind with a smart ass mouth and she acts like she has no home training. It was different when my granny lived at her own house and had those brats over. Now that she lives here, my house is disrupted with other people's shitty kids. I'm just going to stay in my room and people better leave me the fuck alone. Even if you decide not to reproduce, you still always have to put up with other people's spawn.

And thank God I have more Etizolam coming this week because my nerves are going to be bad dealing with this shit. I have nowhere to escape so if I have to get high and escape in my brain, so be it.
 
CoastTwoCoast said:
I'm using this thread to vent, but I hate my house ever since my granny had to move in. My uncle has her watch his kids and I can't stand those fucking brats. One of them has been over here for a week already and now I was told another one is coming for a week. So that's going to be 2 of them here for a whole week or maybe more because they love to leave their kids here as long as they can. This other girl coming is the worst. She may be a little girl, but I can't fucking stand her. She's like 8 or so and the kind with a smart ass mouth and she acts like she has no home training. It was different when my granny lived at her own house and had those brats over. Now that she lives here, my house is disrupted with other people's shitty kids. I'm just going to stay in my room and people better leave me the fuck alone. Even if you decide not to reproduce, you still always have to put up with other people's spawn.

And thank God I have more Etizolam coming this week because my nerves are going to be bad dealing with this shit. I have nowhere to escape so if I have to get high and escape in my brain, so be it.
Click to expand...

OMG - just reading your thread gave me anxiety. I am not a kid person, and avoid situations with kids at all costs whenever possible. I am so sorry for you. You got to lay ground rules - it's your house, your granny lives in your house. You may want to take action sooner rather than later and set boundaries and guidelines. You don't want to set a precedent that then continues indefinately - especially with family as they will take advantage of it without even intentionally meaning to.

on some levels I can relate. My step daughter pawns her kids off on anyone so she can go out and party. When my husband and I got together I shut that down quick. We would only watch the kids for either a verifiable emergency (step daughter lies so proof is unfortunately necessary) or with advanced notice. Her lifestyle has negatively impacted the kids so both kids are in therapy and have rage issues so they are no longer welcome at our house as we have pets and will not risk their safety. The step daughter has a drug problem and we've offered unwavering support and assistance as long as it is not enabling (i.e. money, bills, legal expenses, groceries, or watching the kids without notice and verifiable reason). She was pissed at first but over time she now accepts our boundaries. With advanced notice we can plan a fun activity for the kids that is not at the house, and the kids are actively engaged so they are too distracted to be creepy or moody.

Why are they staying for weeks at a time? I am so sorry you have to deal with this! I really feel your pain though.
 
I'm glad you put your foot down on certain things. My grandmother always takes the grandchildren when asked. One has been here a week or more because her stupid parents became homeless because of irresponsibility so they've been working on getting a house. The other is coming over because her mother is going away for a week. If you want to go away, don't have a fucking kid. I don't own this house, but I told the person who does that she needs to put her foot down because this is ridiculous! My grandmother isn't going to be able to handle 2 kids. They are out of control and noisy and super annoying. Even if I stay in my room, I'm still bothered because I hear all the noise and screaming, etc. I have nowhere to go so I'm fucked. I used to be able to escape over my ex boyfriend's house at least. Now I'm stuck like I'm in prison.
And when I complain about the kids over here, people act like I'm the crazy one or out of line. My family is insane.
 
I'm just going to pop pills when my package arrives, stay in my room and be in zombie mode. I might even come out of my room and interact when I have the etizolam because it makes me social and every little thing doesn't bother me as much. Being sober is what bothers me.
 
I appreciate that and everyone contributing. There are many caring people here who want to help.
It saddens me that many others relate, but please hang in there. You never know what can happen. Someone special can come into your life and change everything. You just have to be open. In the darkness, you don't feel like dealing with anyone. Give it time and stay alive! ?
 
Last edited:
CoastTwoCoast, I think you're awesome. You deal with so much and you still have a positive vibe to you. You might mot feel positive but I sense it in you. Now you gotta deal with these kids. How do these people expect an elderly person to take care of two brats. AAnd you're stuck in the middle. I'm so sorry. Good thing your getting your Meds. Good timing. I just wanted to tell you hang in there and your awesome and keep going!!!
 
I don't like to admit it, but I also find western kids annoying. I cannot stand to visit my friends, who have kids and are so proud, that they learn so quickly to fit into the machinery all well and all that bullshit. A Chinese friend has a much more interesting child, that is ultra introverted and lived in China for 12 years and now is considered a genius in his class just because he got some proper education unlike those dumbfucks. If you have a rough/oldschool childhood education wise coming into a privileged western country full of retards must feel like paradise. %)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top