Why Suicide Could Be the Answer

[Ziiirp]

It sounds very grim not to feel love but maybe real love is something few actually experience. That may be why the love you have felt in the past seems hollow now. What most call love is actually desire IMO. We love what turns us on whether we say I love that girl or I love ice cream or I love this country.

I don't know why I post this shit? It just triggers people and in the end feels meaningless for anyone but myself.

It is not shit. It is the truth. The quest for "true love" (that is not based on egocentric desire) is the reason we are here and suffering until we've found it.

 

[closeau]

I guess I've been lucky. I have a handful of people I love. I know it's love cause I'd die for them. One, my mom, I lost last Nov and it's still very raw. You never realize how much you love someone till their gone. Clique I know but it's true. Sometimes I start texting my mom not realizing she's not there. I finish the text like I was told and send it. I could vent to her for 10 min and she'd be like, here's your problem or here's what you need to do. The others are mostly family. 2 aren't but may have well been and like I said I can count on them for anything and vice versa. That's what suicide takes from loved ones of the victims. All the peace in their life will cease till they die. It's essentially a very selfish act. Can't believe I've tried it 3 times with last time almost working. And my mom was fighting cancer and fighting to stay alive and I'm over here complaining about life and my Meds were wrong cause int extreme suicidal tend ivied. Fix the Meds and my attitude and I've been fine since. The pull of suicide is strong and some people just can't get away from it. I had acmassive panic attack in April and kolonopin always works but wasn't so I went to my shrinks and they gave me a shot of something but it was chaos in my head to serenity. But lying there waiting for it to kick in awhile I had massive suicide temptations. I told them and they almost had me go to the ward and in like no I've dealt with worse I'll be alright. That's when I got the serenity feeling. I haven't had that since and even though life is crap right now it ain't worth dying over. I'm getting my tattoo tommorow of a bright red Cardinal, my moms favorite bird and dates and initials and he's using some my moms ash in the ink. I'm really excited. I don't have much in my life right now so that's something. The big one is the move to my daughter after xmas. All her life it's been planes and ridiculous car trips so now my dream comes true, we will live in the same town. She's very excited too. She said I can see you anytime I want? I said yes baby. She started crying. That's life and love does exist and I'm lucky I found it in a 9 yr old girl. Y'all will find it too. Maybe it's already there. All I know is it's a wonderful feeling. Sorry for my rambling but I'm rarely happy and for these brief hrs I have been. I'm a lucky guy, just time I woke up and saw it

 

[Yatertron]

The thought of suicide is very near and dear to my heart. I was in so much pain as a kid and felt so alone and unloved. When I would try to make my life better and move on, something or someone would come and knock me back down. Eventually I stopped trying to get up. I closed off my heart and emotions to stop the pain. I hated my life and felt hopeless. I wanted to commit suicide and it was all I thought about as a teenager. But for some reason I was too scared to go through with it and I felt like a loser who can't even die. I quit at suicide like I quit at everything in life. So I shifted my focus to living a reckless and self destructive life hoping to die before I turned thirty. Becaue of this attitude, I told myself relationships, education, a good job and planning for a future where a waste of time. I spent ten years partying and doing drugs, not caring if I lived or died. I told myself if I wasn't dead by thirty I'd go through with suicide.

When I turned thirty I looked back at my life. I saw a trail of disaster and pain which spilled over and affected other people who where around me. There was also several times I should have died, a bad car wreck and a drug OD are to examples, but somehow I didn't. I thought there must be some reason for why I'm still alive. So I cancelled my suicide plan, picked up the pieces and started to work on building a future.

I made a lot of positive progress and then three months ago, I'm thirty seven now, I had a mental breakdown. Severe depression, anxiety, depersonalization, PTSD, insomnia, ringing in my ears became unbearable (I have a lot of hearing damage) and repressed memories of abuse as a child unlocked and flooded my conscious. I felt worse then I ever imagined was possible. All the pain and problems I never dealt with mixed with a decade of addiction and regrets was more then I could handle. I attempted to commit suicide but if failed, obviously. For the first time in my life, I went and saw a psychiatrist and therapist and began talking about all the dark stuff I had locked away and never told anyone. By asking for help and seeing a psychiatrist, I found out I'm bipolar and ADHD. The psychiatrist is shocked that I was never diagnosed earlier in life and that I made it to this point without screwing my life up more then I did. This diagnosis has helped me a great deal but I feel like even more of a looser for burning away so much of my life and having nothing positive to show for it. I have even more reasons for committing suicide then when I was a teenager. I have a lot of physical, mental and emotional problems and baggage, but something inside of me is willing me to keep fighting and continue living.

The point of this story is that things suck now for you and you feel like suicide is an option, but in the future things may change. You have to look after yourself and your health. Learn to accept the past and learn from it but don't dwell on it. Look forward and make changes to the things you can control. Also, talking and getting out what is bothering you is important. Don't be afraid to seek professional help and when you do, tell them everything, don't be afraid to hold anything back. Only in the last three months have I reached out for help and been able to talk about my past. I feel I found something worse then suicide, going then years not living life, not taking chances on something that could lead to a positive outcome, not pursuing a relationship and falling in love. I was an empty husk that fell on negative addictions to fill the hole inside of me.

I hope this helps in someway. I'm glad we are all on this board sharing our stories and experiences. May we help and support each other through these tough times.

 

[closeau]

Yatetron, thanks for sharing your story. I got a lot out of it particully how our stories cross paths at several points. I like that you ended positive cause we all should be dead and were not. Yet it's something we crave. It all comes down to mental illness and not thinking like most people thing. Our brains are escue and it's our responsibilities to set them straight with going to out Dr and taking our medication properly and opening up and being HONEST. They can't help if they don't know the deal. I found all these things to be of great help to me and suicide is a distant thought but if I slip it can become a problem real quick. Anyway, thanks again and good luck

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

How do you know it's your thinking that is escue? You can't know that. Maybe, considering the actual conditions of life, wanting out is the most logical of thought process. You might think your brain is broken but I don't nor do I think mine is.

 

[closeau]

I hear ya cosmic trigger. Good point. You're pretty sharp. I enjoy your posts. I'm not answering yours cause I don't know. You stumped me. Good job

 

[PoeticInjustice]

Hey OP, I agree with you that suicide could be the answer, for some people at least. Still can't figure out if that's my path, but I've almost resigned myself to the idea that I may one day carry it out successfully. I have one attempt last year that landed me in the hospital, so I know what you will have to go through if you do happen to wake up. My head was never more clear than when I finally woke up in that hospital bed, and it remained that way for days after. Just me, the wall, and silence for three days, until the psych ward anyway. The past week, my mind's been full of suicidal thoughts, but as with everything else right now, I find them pointless because I have no urge to act on them, just that it would be easier if it just happened that way. I've struggled with these thoughts throughout my life, so you are not alone. I was actually surprised to find out through therapy that these thoughts are not something that people normally think about, if at all, and to this day I don't understand how people don't think about more often. Life isn't good unless you live under a rock or delude yourself into some sense of false positivity.

 

[Nambo]

So in short, I sustained an accidental drug over dose 3 years ago. (First time I tried drugs as a 37 year old! - ecstacy) Anyway, sustained brain damage. Main symptoms are now constant virtual anhedonia, depersonalisation, loss of self and soul, blurry vision, 24/7 distress and disconnect from the world. Everyday is mundane, laborious, torturous and soulless. Day after day after day after day after day. It's been 3 years and I have see relatively no improvement. My circumstance seems so unrelenting and permanent. I have literally tried EVERYTHING. I have a wife and young child. I can't life in this state (we were together before this happened). Days feel like weeks. There is no reprieve. Unless something changes I will commit suicide - fact. So the dilemma. Do I do it soonish, ie when my child will probably have no memory of it. He is 18 months or do I keep on batteling on (and there is no improvement) and I do it at an age where he remembers and my wife is older and has lesser chance or meeting someone else? Just throwing it out there...

 

[fabriclondon]

I've suffered with depression almost my entire life. I have learned what helps me, and I force myself to seek those out even when I would rather lay in bed and cry. My personal helpers are exercise (the absolute most important part of my strategy to stay sane), music, learning, reading. I do have a family, a girlfriend, and friends that love me and I would most likely be dead if I didn't have them. I believe you have to find your own path and I really hope you all do!

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

So in short, I sustained an accidental drug over dose 3 years ago. (First time I tried drugs as a 37 year old! - ecstacy) Anyway, sustained brain damage. Main symptoms are now constant virtual anhedonia, depersonalisation, loss of self and soul, blurry vision, 24/7 distress and disconnect from the world. Everyday is mundane, laborious, torturous and soulless. Day after day after day after day after day. It's been 3 years and I have see relatively no improvement. My circumstance seems so unrelenting and permanent. I have literally tried EVERYTHING. I have a wife and young child. I can't life in this state (we were together before this happened). Days feel like weeks. There is no reprieve. Unless something changes I will commit suicide - fact. So the dilemma. Do I do it soonish, ie when my child will probably have no memory of it. He is 18 months or do I keep on batteling on (and there is no improvement) and I do it at an age where he remembers and my wife is older and has lesser chance or meeting someone else? Just throwing it out there...

Likely no one will discuss this with you in open forum. If you want to chew on it with someone with an open mind to your situation you can pm me.

 

[closeau]

Sala somojbocow, that's terrible. I've been wanting to post about you for awhile just got pushed aside. I can't believe your mom is not in favor of treatment cause of embarrassment. Unreal. She should be applauding you for wanting to get help. I think you're very brave. I hope you get the help you need despite your Mimi have a 10yr old and many years later if she said daddy I think I need help I would jump to action and tell her hom proud I am of her!!! I'm just so shocked she won't let you get help cause she's embarrassed. That makes me sick. I wish you could stand up her. Makes me feel lucky I've gotten support on my journey. I would get help regardless of her. If you're old enough to drive you can get help and tell them that your mom isn't helping. I'm sure they'll be shocked. I feel so bad for you. Most people don't want treatment and you do and your mom is stopping you. My God that's messed up. I'm sorry to keep harking in my point. I wish you the best of luck and don't let your mom throw a kink in your treatment. You're very brave so I commend you. Take care and check back in. Take care

 

[Ziiirp]

One thing I'd like to add is, that if one chooses to take the exit voluntarily, one should IMHO choose the most exciting way of doing it, while causing the least harm/something beneficial for your friends/relative/other people (if that is possible).

Self quotes stink, but this quote fits in here very well I guess :

If I'd commit suicide I would want the procedure to be either something special like jumping from the Mount Everest doing a 41-fold backflip while jerking off or offering myself to an icebear as prey to help her and her cubs survive through the breeding phase.

That way it feels like you fucked the endless suffering in the arse via creating a purpose, getting out something positive out of the hopeless.

 

[Ziiirp]

So in short, I sustained an accidental drug over dose 3 years ago. (First time I tried drugs as a 37 year old! - ecstacy) Anyway, sustained brain damage. Main symptoms are now constant virtual anhedonia, depersonalisation, loss of self and soul, blurry vision, 24/7 distress and disconnect from the world. Everyday is mundane, laborious, torturous and soulless. Day after day after day after day after day. It's been 3 years and I have see relatively no improvement. My circumstance seems so unrelenting and permanent. I have literally tried EVERYTHING. I have a wife and young child. I can't life in this state (we were together before this happened). Days feel like weeks. There is no reprieve. Unless something changes I will commit suicide - fact. So the dilemma. Do I do it soonish, ie when my child will probably have no memory of it. He is 18 months or do I keep on batteling on (and there is no improvement) and I do it at an age where he remembers and my wife is older and has lesser chance or meeting someone else? Just throwing it out there...

That sounds rough. I am an opponent of taking MDMA/Ecstasy, because the effects feel overwhelmingly artificial and it is more prone to causing long-term issues than most other established drugs. I'm really sorry you have to go through those shitty after effects. Did you try every possible drug/and drugfree therapy including (which I'd prefer) self medicating ? Can you list briefly, what you tried ? Based on that, we can make more or less educated suggestions.

I know we are no doctors but IMHO in your case shit hit the fan already when you are reflecting about suicide. I am pretty experienced with self medicating (mostly for chronic physical pain after injury, but also I had depersonalization issues because of nerve damage/pain, but I got it under control after a few years), so I have an opinion on what subjectively works and what not for different use cases, mostly in the legal sector. I usually don't make suggestions, only if one is desperate. And if you want an educated opinion, there are VERY knowledgeable users in the "Neuroscience and pharmacology"-section, though they pursue a scientific approach, which can leave you with too many choices questionmarks in the end

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

Speaking of MDMA, many years ago I went out with a guy I didn't even know. A date. He was on MDMA and offered me one. I never tried it before, but was curious. I was taking an MAOI at the time and knew I shouldn't mix it, but I convinced myself it wouldn't be that bad. WRONG! A few minutes after taking it, I started panicking and got really scared. It was the most frightening experience. I knew for sure I was about to pass out or die. The last thing I remember saying is "OH NO!!" right before passing out. I was blacked out on the floor the majority of the night in a stranger's house. I woke up and the guy was gone. I guess he would rather have me die instead of taking me to the ER and getting himself in trouble. I could never do that to someone. Eventually the cunt came back and took me home. I was lucky to be alive. Do not take a MAOI with MDMA unless you want to take a dirty nap. It is extremely dangerous and most people don't live.

 

[Moreaux]

Just wanted to say its been a hell of a ride guys. hopefully all of you find peace and happiness but tonight my fight is over. If I don't make it through the night my final thoughts and wishes.. Mental illness needs to be more supported. nobody should have to suffer like this for so long. If I make it through the night I suppose I will report back tomorrow. good luck comrades keep fighting. people are truly sadistic.. people probably have done more damage to body and mind over the years than any drug. I may not be remember or significant but I'm content right now. goodnight bluelight,

How are you doing bluntwizard420?

suicide is really tempting right now. I've started seeing things and hearing voices in my head. I can't sleep because I get nightmares, and I don't eat because I hate my image. I also have headaches all the time. I want to get myself a therapist or check in to a mental hospital but I can't do anything because my mother says that I embarrass her whenever I have problems. I don't know what to do with myself.

In this instance you need to disregard your mother's feelings and get help. It sounds like she is insecure, that's something she has to work through, not you. Do not deny yourself treatment because of this. If you don't talk about it openly people will not know you are getting treatment. I am sorry you are going through this - I hope you're able to find valid treatment and start feeling better.

So in short, I sustained an accidental drug over dose 3 years ago. (First time I tried drugs as a 37 year old! - ecstacy) Anyway, sustained brain damage. Main symptoms are now constant virtual anhedonia, depersonalisation, loss of self and soul, blurry vision, 24/7 distress and disconnect from the world. Everyday is mundane, laborious, torturous and soulless. Day after day after day after day after day. It's been 3 years and I have see relatively no improvement. My circumstance seems so unrelenting and permanent. I have literally tried EVERYTHING. I have a wife and young child. I can't life in this state (we were together before this happened). Days feel like weeks. There is no reprieve. Unless something changes I will commit suicide - fact. So the dilemma. Do I do it soonish, ie when my child will probably have no memory of it. He is 18 months or do I keep on batteling on (and there is no improvement) and I do it at an age where he remembers and my wife is older and has lesser chance or meeting someone else? Just throwing it out there...

Please don't lose hope - the brain does repair itself, sometimes it just take a very long time. I am still recovery from a severe case of excitotoxicity from six years ago. The first few years I was seriously contemplating suicide because I felt like I had destroyed my brain. My memory was shot, anxiety was horrible, frequent seizures, lost the ability to think critically as I couldn't focus on anything for longer than 30 seconds, couldn't feel joy, etc. it has slowly gotten better, and I am hopeful for the future.

Regarding your family, whether you kill yourself now or later you will be leaving a huge gap in your child's heart. There is no easy answer on what timing would be better. I have known people who have lost a parent when they were an infant and they have perpetual sadness over not knowing their parent. I have known people who lost a parent when they were older children and the saddens persists. My husband's youngest daughter lost her mother to cancer when she was 14 and has never recovered from it. She is 29 now, and totally lost. She has struggled since the loss and has made one bad decision after another, and I expect to get a call at anytime that she's either been arrested or killed. His other children were adults when their mother passed and lead productive lives.

When there are young kids involved I can't help but think suicide is selfish. I know others on this thread won't agree with me, but you made the decision to be intimate and to have this child just as you made the decision to take MDMA. I'm sorry you had a bad experience and the consequences persist, but you have a responsibility to the life you brought into this world. I think you need to soberly consider other options before suicide. See a neurologist and other specialist and be honest about what you took, and see what treatments are available.

I'm not trying to be harsh, and I can relate. The only reason why I didn't pick myself off years ago is because I had obligations. Now days I'm happy I did as I have recovered. Be patient, eat clean, get valid sleep, exercise, see qualified specialist, research your issue, and do everything within your power to try to heal. Feel free to pm me if you want to vent or want granular tips towards recovering. Some of what helped me may help you. Again, I am sorry you're in this situation - please don't give up.

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

bluntwizard420, check in and let us know you're still hanging in there.

I got up early this morning and ran on the treadmill like I was running from my demons. Sometimes I need to make myself completely exhausted. It makes me feel a little better about myself.

You guys are special, there are only a few of us who understand these feelings. ?

 

[closeau]

Last night I had a dream I had my gun in my mouth and I would feel the despair in my dream. So today I grabbed my gun and didn't do anything with it, just held it. I'm absolutely obsessed with suicide. Doesn't make living easier. Seems like everything that he's wrong I wanna do it. Almost Ike I'm being forced cause bad shit happens to me all the time. I'm scared. I'm getting rid of this gun tomorrow. It's not safe here with me. I like the protection but if someone breaks in and kills me that's just fate. Just wanted t share with some folks who would understand. Thanks

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

I think it's a good idea to get rid of the gun. You can I believe just turn it in to the cops. They have great in home large cans of pepper spray for home protection. That and a big stick makes me feel quite secure without a gun.

 

[herbavore]

I second getting rid of it. Good instincts, Closeau.

 

[fabriclondon]

It takes a lot of courage to put yourselves out there and admit you're having suicidal thoughts. From my experience, addicts are by and large, sensitive and kind souls and we don't need less of those people, we need more. So stick around damnit!