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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT

where to go from here

Your mum has a sister from what I recall from you posting so you will be better off telling her or other relatives to check on her as you will be away for a while. You dont have to say why.
 
^aunt -she stays 40 mins away from my mom and I's area and works 9 - 7pm everyday. she is shit supportwise. vsisits her like once a month. but you know one of those types scared of feels and talking dee or even sometimes helping out.

but I could plead i suppose. she has a few friends too, maybe they could form a jiggaz-mom-watch group to check on her and her finances and make sure the carers aren't taking liberties. that and get my dog somewhere to stay and put in notice for leave at workS.

im keen to do this ow. now that I know they/ head doc at place im going to don't expect me to get off opiates fast and plan to start me on a healthy dose of done. i was expecting like 10 mgs was assured to hear him say 40 mg + 40 mg +40 - if that is still not enough you let us know but know it acts 36 hours and all the other disclaimers,



keep the good posts going ITT!

got the weekend to plan my admission,
 
Ot: stayed up gettin fked up last night shot up all my dope. got work tonight. no urges to go score or gamble as of yet but its early days - just woke up.
Hoping to admit myself to rehab next week
 
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well, you just did a step 1, you admitted that your life was unmanageable , and i am here to tell you brother that there is a way out! and you can do it! just like I can. you shared about it, and you told on your addiction, now for some action :).
i'm no AA guru or whatever, now try looking into finding meetings in your city, and at the beginging of the meeting raise your hand and introduce yourself, and spill the beans like you did here, after the meeting pull up on someone(that isn't a chick) and exchange numbers, and get with that person and start.
i'm glad that you posted that because you and i are alike in so many ways, and now i'm happy to say that i have almost 80 days sober from ALL mind/mood altering chemicals, it's possible man. and if no ones told you that they loved you today then I love you whosajiggawaaa <3. and I am so fucking proud of you man, it takes a man to do the shit we are doing, and I wish only the best for you!! <3 <3 :) :) !!!!
 
^ LOL, now that I am posting in Social I've gotten a few , "It's good to see Herby in this neck of the woods." I'm going to say that to you two--good to see you both here and also pretty moved by both of you. While I won't go as far as to say it takes a man;) to do what you are doing, I will say it takes a warrior. Keep up the good fight.

Whosa (reminds me of Hausa), would it not be possible to call Social Services? Here in the US you can request wellness checks, etc. It's hell on family members when they have to act as mental health providers. And seriously, her state of mind and her state of health are already incredibly stressful--you don't need worrying about her actual safety at home on top of everything else.
 
Whosajiggawaaa said:
Ot: stayed up gettin fked up last night shot up all my dope. got work tonight. no urges to go score or gamble as of yet but its early days - just woke up.
Hoping to admit myself to rehab next week
Click to expand...

i did both score and gamble. i worked a long ass shift though and the tips were good. but blew every last cent. i'm lying i have 1 usd in my wallet so I'm not pnnyless if yyou wanna take the annoyingly literal approach.

D's said:
well, you just did a step 1, you admitted that your life was unmanageable , and i am here to tell you brother that there is a way out! and you can do it! just like I can. you shared about it, and you told on your addiction, now for some action :).
i'm no AA guru or whatever, now try looking into finding meetings in your city, and at the beginging of the meeting raise your hand and introduce yourself, and spill the beans like you did here, after the meeting pull up on someone(that isn't a chick) and exchange numbers, and get with that person and start.
i'm glad that you posted that because you and i are alike in so many ways, and now i'm happy to say that i have almost 80 days sober from ALL mind/mood altering chemicals, it's possible man. and if no ones told you that they loved you today then I love you whosajiggawaaa <3. and I am so fucking proud of you man, it takes a man to do the shit we are doing, and I wish only the best for you!! <3 <3 :) :) !!!!
Click to expand...

appreciate it. and appreciate herb too.

this will be the hardest thing i have ever done in my life i think. hope i have the inner strength.....

i gambled away my last cent today. sigh - insanity is doing the same thing again expecting different results. when am i gonna grasp gamblin and me can never jive and that it's not a solution to my problems but rather the cause of them (the partial cause anyway - cos opiates).

D's I hope I can do it man. But tbh I feel rehab is a nice way to shuck (shucked like kob of corn!) my responsibilties and be safe till the end of the month - but I am thinking this just to allay the massive fear I have of going, surrendering control of my environment and drugs.
ANyway I';mma start googling ennels for my dog.
 
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have't read all OP post or thread yet.when you hit rock bottom, from anything, like gambling or opiates, it can humble you as a person. it can shape you into who you become. that's why young or inexperienced ppl aint shit, they haven't had the lowest point in their lives yet. and it's really not those two things specifically hurting you man - gambling and opiates - they are just underlining problems you have with yourself and you are medicating your mental problems with opiates and gambling. you might not even know what is wrong, at least that was my situation. you do know for sure that it's going to get a lot worse before things get better. fam deaths add a whole new level.

you know you are a strong person, and you are very smart when you want to be or when you want to apply yourself. you are in this situation, do what you have to do to get yourself out. it sounds like you want to change. do it. try to get some kratom again and start the process.

Change your diet, exercise or workout. All of us eat food, everyday. put effort into your food, and your brain will reward you. cut the sugar. maybe check out a ketogenic diet - that diet seems to have the best chance at long-term success. drink water


diet/ exercise has a major impact. eat heaps of fresh fish and vegetables

you can also naturally give yourself adrenaline by using the wim hof method. wim hof breathing, check it out. it really works.


(edit) further, for your detox, i highly suggest to do a 2 or 3 day bone-broth fast. you eat nothing but every 1 hour, drink a cup of bone broth. gives your body almost all nutrients except for calcium.

make sure to use good bones, cartilage-rich bones like joints and stuff. as humans we do not eat all of the animal in our diet like oour ancestors did. bone broth is a good way to get all the nutrients from the "bad" parts of the animal. e.g feet, eyes, etc
 
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Jigga, if you give up this fight, I will find you and beat the shit out of you. I have nothing right now. I just tried to kill myself. I in 6 months time walked out of my home and the woman who loved for 15 years for reasons that werent love related. I havent seen my dogs for more than 5 minutes since. I also fell madly in love with another woman who rejected me as harshly as one could, which caused me to go crazy at work and the whole night (think going to her house to kill her crazy, only her words stopped me) and subsequently got fired from my job. I just got out of the hospital where I nearly shut my kidneys down and only through force of my will got released from psychiatric ward. I have maybe a grand left in the bank and no prospects of women or employment currently.

But my mind is made up to fight for myself to the death. You dont need rock bottom if you realize the folly of your ways. You know how much I too adored oxy. Gambling is a lifestyle change you can make easily.

Basically Im saying I have nothing but hope for the future. You see this too. Just do whatever you need, fuck everyone's expectations of you, and come out swinging. You got it. Trust me.
 
NSFW:


^this is inspirational.


thanks for the support and motivation fellas!

sorry to hear about your job and recent troubles kitty it will pass and you will be stronger for it.

i will try make you guys proud. i will post before i go in but i think in patient medical detox is my best shot of getting on the right track - maybe rehab as well. gonna get the admission sorted this week. give noice for leave at my jobs, hopefully they will be chill with it. they should. i do have atleast 2 weeks leave and maybe more - i still gotta use.
 
Kitty and Whosa, you've both got this. So much love and strength going out to the both of you. <3 Kitty, your words are right on--it's really all we are all doing, addiction or not, we are fighting to the death for ourselves. Once you realize that, you transform the victim to the warrior and it becomes engaging rather than defeating. Addiction does not happen in a vacuum, nor does craziness. There is a larger context and that context is separation from your own source of power, the place in you that no circumstances can actually touch. One of my friends told me that all trauma happens on the surface--when she said it I wanted to kill her because it was right after my son died and no, that trauma felt like it existed in every cell of my body. But, with time, and effort, I got what she meant and it is true. We all have a place, calm as undisturbed water at our core. Most of us are separated from this place by the harshness of life, by our own perceptions and beliefs, by societies that do everything imaginable to stir those waters. Just having faith that it is there becomes revolutionary.

Whosajigga, I wish you all the best in rehab. Did you get things settled for your mom?
 
^No I didn't I'm afraid. She's worse than ever. After 3 weeks of psychiatric care no improvement at all. I have officially given up tryna talk sense to her and have decided to go the with "nod and smile approach". she has a maid and a maid who comes at night, best I can do is make sutre she has enough funds to pay everyone while i'm in rehab - that ain't gonna be easy. I might not even be able to accomplish that. She is telling me not to go to rehab - pleading in fact because she think this imagined evil third party will get me there and frame me for all thoughts of things and try to make me look crazy. I told her it's something I have to do nontheless.

She eventually settled down - today that is - and said she'll be okay with me going if I given her a written affidavit saying that I believe all her insane theories and have seen the changes in the house she has seen -I haven't seen anything unusual happen at her house - noone has neither of her maids, nor her friends, nor her sister but as I said the nod and smile is all I have energy for at the moment.

I of course don't believe her theories.
These theories are including but not limited to; me being poisoned through the air at my house - making me lethargic , depressed and sickly (i'm just high all the time i can't tell her that though!); her cancer pain being intensified by criminals paid who lurk around the house in vans (basically any pasisng car is them) by for my late fathers family; these people intensifying her pain through radio waves and through her electonics and many others. Seeing no improvement what so ever after 3 weeks of private psychiatric care is very frustrating... Also I have been tryna explain them away and try reason with her for the last year now - I have literally showed her photographic proof that disproves her theories (before and after pics etc) but she just ignores em completely - so arguing with her is futile I've realised. So yeah. I can't not go to take care of her. Cos this thing is getting progressively worse and soon I might even be stealing from her who knows.

So tomorrow I'm gonna get the admission ball rolling firstly double checking if there is a bed available ( i doubt it will have changed over the weekend seeing as I saw dude on fri and he said there beds available) and see if my insurance will authorise my admission to the place the doc recommended I go for medical detox (he explained with me a total detox will unfortunately not be quick)and then rehabilitation - he said I could just stay for the detox/acclimatation to opioid substitution therapy but we will see - my insurance will pay but I need them to authorise it before I can proceeed.
Also a definite place for my dog to stay I have 2 prospects - I just have to confirm if they will be okay,
And take leave at work. I still haven't decided whether to be honest with my bosses and say rehab - but not specify or just say it is for my gambling which they are well aware is a problem. Or to just obfuscate and say I'm entitled to annual leave and I wanna take it now...

I get butterflies thinking about actually doing this.... Oh my shattered nerves.
 
Whosa -

Im sorry you are having such a hard time with your mom, but o think putting your sobriety first is the best thing you can do for both of you.

I wanted to throw out a suggestion for notifying work of your need to take time off. Could you have your doctor just write a note that says you will need whatever time off that you need due to an "illness?" I know it's vague, but legally (at least where I'm at), they can't ask (insist might be a better word for it than "ask" - a lot of employers would just ask and then lie about it if they needed to) for more than that. I recently took over 3 weeks off and that's what my doctor and I decided to do. It worked out well and no one is any wiser. Also, when you come back to work, you have a convenient excuse for why you aren't 100%.

That might not work for you, but I wanted to suggest it anyway because it's literally none of your boss's business why you need the time off if you have a doctors note verifying it.

Best of luck!

- VE
 
Wow--the fact that your mom is living in full blown psychosis and gets no help from social services makes me think that SA is as bad or worse than here....

Anyway, I agree with VE--you can care without being consumed. Someone has to share the burden--or take it over completely--while you get yourself in order.

I'm glad to hear you are still so motivated. Keep your eye on the prize.;)
 
^man it's hard....

the doctors just leave her be I think because the cancer and because she is not a danger to her self or others cos her condition is so weak . but i woulda liked some improvement after 3 weeks in psychiatric hospital. they said sending her home would not be ideal but it has happened anyway... she is a big trigger for me using more. she is also prescribed oxy - so if i'm out myself i will borrow from her oxys - she always lends me them liberally.

today i'll admit i didn't do a damn thing to get me closer to sobriety. in fact i took some of my moms money during a visit and spent it on gambling and heroin (in my mind I thought I was getting her back for being such a burdon to me and not listening to reason and not taking her meds and never saying thank you for me basically running her life like a parent). So yeah bottom is clearly either here or close - as stealing from my mother is low...

so tomorrow I hope to get the kennel and spk to my boss and get the authoprisation process started. I hope to be in rehab by the weekend.

I have decided I will start smoking when I am in rehab. I used to be a heavy smoker but stopped in 2009 and haven't had one cigarette since then. I will use it to just get me through the rough patch i think. so it will be like I still have a lil habit - whilst giving up my bigger more destructive ones. plan to go in with a carton of smokes ideally. but at this rate i may not have the financess..
 
Hah! You sound like me before my self-imposed start date to stop eating so much sugar. I binge on whatever I have just thinking about stopping altogether. Then I go buy a little hard candy bag because I don't even really like hard candy but I figure I can do better on the big goal as long as I have my little habit to get me through.8)

Just remember two things: 1) It's a process of stops and starts and crashes and glides, sometimes it will feel great and other times it will burn like hell.

2) The goal should never be perfection. The goal is deep change. Sometimes you can't even recognize what it is that needs to change and other times, it's clear but you just don't want to face it. Face it anyway, because that is where the change starts to happen.
 
I am terrified of proceeding.

I'm so scared of sobriety. What will I be without the substances ? will I fit in ? be likeable ? Will I copwe with life.

Are the mistakes and misteeds I have been hiding too big to redeem myself from ?

But I do think this is the week.... I just gotta feel the fear and do it anyway and corny as that sounds


part of me feels like i am making a mistake by going to rehab, that once i flip that addict label switch I will be defined by my addiction not who I really am , my achievements and my personality.
 
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So an update for you's guys - I am being admitted to an inpatient rehab program on Thursday at 9 am.

I will try make a more detailed post before I leave.

But this is really happening. THank you all for your words of encouragement in this and other threads.

I hope this succeeds. I want my life back.
 
so D day has arrived. I'm going in at 9am tomorrow - is an hours drive so getting up at 7 am.

I had an abscessed tooth (kept me awake last night in pain) - had to have an emergency root canal today - was not fun.

currently packing bags and organising valuables and admin things so tired can barely think. but i do want off opiates. might just give this recovery thing a bash.

thanks for the support and peace out!
 
Hey Whosa...Having a hard time getting onto BL (server too busy). I'm going to keep trying until I get this post through to you. I'm sorry about the root canal, but now you should get relief. I'm facing yet another root canal on 12/7 followed by replacement of my porcelain crown. My dentist cut the crown off, hoping to preserve the integrity of the root/stump. Who knows? Similar happened a couple of years back. I have my life savings invested in my mouthful of porcelain. I guess I'll make a nice corpse...Sorry, macabre humor sustains me.

On point...You're heading to rehab. :) Don't look back, my cyber brotha. This will be a tough road, but one you must travel! I was/am literally sickened when you went to the needle. The oxy was bad enough. I'm happy you are taking this step to halt your death spiral.

Your mom will be okay...or not. Either way, you do this for YOU. I'm cheering for you, Whosa!
 
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