where to go from here

[Whosajiggawaaa]

basically i think I'm near my rock bottom (short of losing my jobs, I wanna get out while there is still hope), maybe not quite there yet - but I'm not that far, I can see it. i can see the futility of opiates and gambling, both are equally destructive in my life. as it stands I received my paycheck on fri and I now have 60 usd to my name and a tonne of bills I haven't paid - my phone and internet has already been cutoff and i don't ahve the money to reconnect it at present (am using my phone as a modem).

I think it's time for a residential rehab. i think it's the only shot I really have, I don't think I have a realistic shot at home and at work. Also I know that I will have to work every day picking up extra shifts (after working all day) ato cover my bills and debt until next payday. last payday I had borrowed a lot - so a lot of my pay went to that, i will have to borrow a lot to get through this month too - and the cycle is vicious.... then I binged on IV heroin , then gambled for 24 hours straight - horses and sport. One of my worst losses. I have done this many times before, blown my paycheck in the first week then spent the rest of the month picking up extra shifts and working every single dayand living like, well very humbly.

I have legitimate pain and am prescribed oxycontin 40 mg - but I can't help but chew em, even IV em at times. working with the pain for now the till the 25th + plus keeping up the charade that everything is okay for another month. I just don't think i have the strength to do this and i am sick of it. i could live relaly well on what i make if i didn't abuse opiates and gamble.

I had a meth problem 12 years ago and rehab worked for me then it was harsh but it worked. I was a kid then to be fair (15) and had no chronic pain and my body was in it's prime and the addiction wasn't physical. i am completely decrepit physically and emotionally compared to then. So I am worried I won't have what it takes to beat this and be at the mercy of the clinicians of a third world country , they do taper with either suboxone or methadone so it's not savage, but it's by no means celebrity rehab if you know what I mean.


I would like to get that strong man(man-boy lol) back - the post rehab of 2004 man-boy. But I don't know if I will be able to do it, whether i have the inner strength. also going to rehab in my head kinda means admitting defeat. I just get so depressed when the opiates wear off - I can't function and think of killing myself constantly. i don't wanna tell anyone the extent of my depression(without opiates) - anyone with clinical authority anyway because then i can be sectioned so to speak - where as with just drug addiction no mental illnesses i can RHT (refuse hospital treatment and discharge myself from rehab at any point). I know the law really well here it's part of my job. which also is another reason rehab would be damning because it reflects poorly on my character.

I will try be more concise now.

Dilemma - addiction is completely out of control. both the gambling and the opiates and I am daunted by what rehab will entail, daunted by what even getting myself admitted to rehab will entail. I'd have to find someone to mind my dog for the duration. I'd have to Come clean 9to a certain extent - maybe just mention the gambling which they are aware of)with both bosses of my 2 jobs. Be at the mecry of the day job boss so to spk - he controls my future essentially. I will have to give 2 weeks notice for my restaurant job and say I wanna get admitted to rehab ASAP (in days) I would have to find peeps to pick up my shifts during that 2 weeks - cos I don't think I can take 2 more weeks of this , I maybe can but it soul destroying and i'd rather not.

i progressed to IVing recently - like a month or so ago after many years of non IV opiate but heavy use we're talking 600 mgs a day of oxycodone (this is my average even now) or up to a gram of IV heroin a day, i alternate between the 2 and recently have started doing them both together when I have the finances.
I have a shattered shoulder that requires surgeries every 3 years until i'm a candidate for a shoulder replacement. it's why I'm prescribed oxy. But it also will be at the back of my mind - this rehab process all of the hard work might be for nought cos next op I have I might have to take opiates again (but maybe there will be a way around that, might be just a cop out on my part possibly).
Also I have been a gambler for 10 years + , a former poker player - poker wasn't so bad - I had months where I actually made good money. But sports betting and horse racing have made me do my money worse than anything else, in my history. No drug in the world could I do my whole salary in a night, because the is either a satiation (pass out) point or an overdose point - in gambling there are neither , there is no limit to the damage you can do.

Furthermore I have a mom with cancer and my dad passed away over some years back too, I have not dealt with the pain of either I am scared of how painful it will be to have to face with no escape.
Again I will stress without the opiates the depression consumes me. After a gambling loss - the depression creeps in and furthers the cycle....
So basically I feel like I've reached an impasse with my lifestyle. in the back of my head I am also conscious of the fact that maybe I am just wanting to go to rehab to escape the month of extreme work , financial stress, lies and desperation and not truly to change but I am also scared of how much worse it could get.
I am also scared of rehab. Scared of being at the mercy of others. scared of depending on them(the rehab clinicians) to not make my withdrawal process agonising. The possible dynamics with other patients too I am scared of. I am scared f having untreated pain too.
I see a glimmer of hope of getting my life back. it is something I am yearning for , for the first time in many years (to be free of the shackles of opiate addiction), i am yearning for it often. And to stop the compulsive gambling too. I mean I probably could have continuied with the opiates alone , but with the gambling on top have just made it too difficult to maintain. too draining. I want out. it just seems daunting, - i feel bad for doing this to my dog and my mom too (possibly going away for a few weeks - maybe more), and feel like the guilt will consume me without some form of escapism.

I see no prospect of success at leading a normal life in my current state ( my libido comes and goes and is mostly gone tbh), that should bother me... I want to be living life again.
I see using and gambling will not lead to anywhere but torment. But knowing this alone doesn't seem to be enough to make me change. That is what makes me think I can't do this alone and do need inpatient rehab. I have a good name. No criminal convictions. and a bright future if I could stop the drugs and gambling. I don't think this potential future will stay bright for tooo much longer at the rate i'm going - this is another reason i want to change.

Advice would be appreciated. Don't mean to dump on you guys so to speak, but am just really tired, physically and emotionally.

 

[herbavore]

basically i think I'm near my rock bottom (short of losing my jobs, I wanna get out while there is still hope), maybe not quite there yet - but I'm not that far, I can see it. i can see the futility of opiates and gambling, both are equally destructive in my life.
I think it's time for a residential rehab. i think it's the only shot I really have, I don't think I have a realistic shot at home and at work.

I think you are at the perfect place to change things around for good. Understanding your addictions has to be a part of overcoming them--otherwise it is just endless willpower and that cannot be sustained without understanding how to replace what you get from your addictions with healthier choices. The gambling addiction probably gives you a lot of things that you find hard to come by otherwise, like hopefulness (with every bet), adrenaline rush, etc. Your brain has acclimated to this activity to produce all the feel-good chemicals even though there is no basis for it!

I have legitimate pain and am prescribed oxycontin 40 mg - but I can't help but chew em, even IV em at times. working with the pain for now the till the 25th + plus keeping up the charade that everything is okay for another month. I just don't think i have the strength to do this and i am sick of it. i could live relaly well on what i make if i didn't abuse opiates and gamble.

I had a meth problem 12 years ago and rehab worked for me then it was harsh but it worked. I was a kid then to be fair (15) and had no chronic pain and my body was in it's prime and the addiction wasn't physical. i am completely decrepit physically and emotionally compared to then. So I am worried I won't have what it takes to beat this and be at the mercy of the clinicians of a third world country , they do taper with either suboxone or methadone so it's not savage, but it's by no means celebrity rehab if you know what I mean.

Do you mean that you will go out of your home country for rehab?

I would like to get that strong man(man-boy lol) back - the post rehab of 2004 man-boy. But I don't know if I will be able to do it, whether i have the inner strength. also going to rehab in my head kinda means admitting defeat. I just get so depressed when the opiates wear off - I can't function and think of killing myself constantly. i don't wanna tell anyone the extent of my depression(without opiates) - anyone with clinical authority anyway because then i can be sectioned so to speak - where as with just drug addiction no mental illnesses i can RHT (refuse hospital treatment and discharge myself from rehab at any point). I know the law really well here it's part of my job. which also is another reason rehab would be damning because it reflects poorly on my character.

There is your first task: You are going to have to dig deep to change the mindset that says rehab is defeat and that it "reflects poorly on your character". The more addiction comes out of the closet, the less stigma it carries. It has changed so much just in my lifetime and it keeps changing faster and faster. I know there is still stigma, but the only healthy way to deal with it is to refuse to perpetuate it in your own mind and when talking to others.Also, not admitting your depression is going to deprive you of help in dealing with it and it may very well be exactly what is holding you hostage in these addictions.

I would have to find peeps to pick up my shifts during that 2 weeks - cos I don't think I can take 2 more weeks of this , I maybe can but it soul destroying and i'd rather not.

Again, rehab should not have to be soul destroying. If you go into it thinking it is something to withstand or just get through, you are shooting yourself in the foot. Look at it this way: you are trying to give yourself the opportunity to make a huge change. The changes will be painful but not soul destroying at all.

Furthermore I have a mom with cancer and my dad passed away over some years back too, I have not dealt with the pain of either I am scared of how painful it will be to have to face with no escape.
Again I will stress without the opiates the depression consumes me. After a gambling loss - the depression creeps in and furthers the cycle....
So basically I feel like I've reached an impasse with my lifestyle. in the back of my head I am also conscious of the fact that maybe I am just wanting to go to rehab to escape the month of extreme work , financial stress, lies and desperation and not truly to change but I am also scared of how much worse it could get.
I am also scared of rehab. Scared of being at the mercy of others. scared of depending on them(the rehab clinicians) to not make my withdrawal process agonising. The possible dynamics with other patients too I am scared of. I am scared f having untreated pain too.

I'm really sorry to hear about your mom. You are still very young to have lost one parent and to live with the fear of losing the other. As scary as it may seem to deal with this pain drug-free, it is scarier to let it live inside without ever really letting yourself feel. One thing I have l;earned about grief is that it is much much harder to deal with when you try to box it up and shove it into some dark corner.

I see a glimmer of hope of getting my life back. it is something I am yearning for , for the first time in many years (to be free of the shackles of opiate addiction), i am yearning for it often. And to stop the compulsive gambling too. I mean I probably could have continuied with the opiates alone , but with the gambling on top have just made it too difficult to maintain. too draining. I want out. it just seems daunting, - i feel bad for doing this to my dog and my mom too (possibly going away for a few weeks - maybe more), and feel like the guilt will consume me without some form of escapism.

I see no prospect of success at leading a normal life in my current state ( my libido comes and goes and is mostly gone tbh), that should bother me... I want to be living life again.
I see using and gambling will not lead to anywhere but torment. But knowing this alone doesn't seem to be enough to make me change. That is what makes me think I can't do this alone and do need inpatient rehab. I have a good name. No criminal convictions. and a bright future if I could stop the drugs and gambling. I don't think this potential future will stay bright for tooo much longer at the rate i'm going - this is another reason i want to change.

Advice would be appreciated. Don't mean to dump on you guys so to speak, but am just really tired, physically and emotionally.

I'm glad you made the thread. I know it will not be easy but if you can try to shift your perceptions from "I'm forced to do this because of personal failure" to "I'm going to do this because this is not ever going to work for me and I know I'm strong enough to make the life I want", then I think you will go into the process having a lot more compassion for yourself.

 

[Whosajiggawaaa]

^Thanks for this reply. It just what I was looking for. But It's bed time for me so I will post a better reply tomorrow. but I mean what I say when I say I want life without the shackles of opiates and without the financial slippery pole climbing that is gambling - how I gamble anyway.

 

[P0kemama]

Whosa: It sounds like you are in the process of changing... for the better! Stages of change theory is used a lot in addiction therapy: all change must begin in the mind before it manifests in our lives. You are definitely in the beginning stages of change! Also, you said: " No criminal convictions." YET. Something, subconsciously maybe, prompted that comment. Often it means that you may be heading towards getting in trouble.... quit now, go to rehab, go to meetings, go to detox... whatever... but do it soon. Keep that good name!

 

[deadendgame]

wow. you are in some kind of situation. if you cannot control yourself, you should delegate someone to handle your money. and as for the drugs, you should enter rehab immediately. you cannot quit cold turkey I think. You are on too high of a dosage of opiods that I think you actually need to check yourself into a suboxone clinic where they can taper you off. i think you need to quit the drugs first because I think the drug is fueling your other addiction. i don't know what else to tell you except stop the drugs, stop the gambling, take a few weeks off to regain your composure, and get back to your job.

 

[Whosajiggawaaa]

I think you are at the perfect place to change things around for good. Understanding your addictions has to be a part of overcoming them--otherwise it is just endless willpower and that cannot be sustained without understanding how to replace what you get from your addictions with healthier choices. The gambling addiction probably gives you a lot of things that you find hard to come by otherwise, like hopefulness (with every bet), adrenaline rush, etc. Your brain has acclimated to this activity to produce all the feel-good chemicals even though there is no basis for it!



Do you mean that you will go out of your home country for rehab?




There is your first task: You are going to have to dig deep to change the mindset that says rehab is defeat and that it "reflects poorly on your character". The more addiction comes out of the closet, the less stigma it carries. It has changed so much just in my lifetime and it keeps changing faster and faster. I know there is still stigma, but the only healthy way to deal with it is to refuse to perpetuate it in your own mind and when talking to others.Also, not admitting your depression is going to deprive you of help in dealing with it and it may very well be exactly what is holding you hostage in these addictions.





Again, rehab should not have to be soul destroying. If you go into it thinking it is something to withstand or just get through, you are shooting yourself in the foot. Look at it this way: you are trying to give yourself the opportunity to make a huge change. The changes will be painful but not soul destroying at all.





I'm really sorry to hear about your mom. You are still very young to have lost one parent and to live with the fear of losing the other. As scary as it may seem to deal with this pain drug-free, it is scarier to let it live inside without ever really letting yourself feel. One thing I have l;earned about grief is that it is much much harder to deal with when you try to box it up and shove it into some dark corner.



I'm glad you made the thread. I know it will not be easy but if you can try to shift your perceptions from "I'm forced to do this because of personal failure" to "I'm going to do this because this is not ever going to work for me and I know I'm strong enough to make the life I want", then I think you will go into the process having a lot more compassion for yourself.

No i won't have to leave the country. BUt I'm in Africa so rehab isn't glitzy, but it's more than adeqate tbh. It's me just looking for excuses. Yeah i will prob be one of very few if any white people in there. but they don't treat you badly for it. i'm just looking for reasons not to I reckon in that respect, I'm in a developed part of Africa.

Yeah it sucks dealing with my mom, in addition to the multiple myeloma she has mental health problems and I have had to look after her. but she is in care now so I am free to look after myself now I think.

I will let you're last sentence percolate because it does have deep meaning for me.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

^Thanks for this reply. It just what I was looking for. But It's bed time for me so I will post a better reply tomorrow. but I mean what I say when I say I want life without the shackles of opiates and without the financial slippery pole climbing that is gambling - how I gamble anyway.

For us addictive types live can be so hard. You have my empathy and understanding because I'm an addictive also. I have found that what makes life worth it is to find something that you really want to do with your life. One thing about folk who go through recovery is that they make very good counselors for others in their situation. As in volunteering as a telephone suicide/self harm counselor or people with similar issues to yours. I think that helping others is one of the very best things to do with life. So many people are struggling and need help desperately. The thing is that truly helping others in a open and honest way gets your mind off your own problems and puts it all in perspective. Whenever I post here and get a PM from someone thanking me I feel very good about being alive in that moment. I think that is what is missing so often in modern life. True human connection and empathy. So that's my 2 cents and I wish you all the best with your enormous struggle. If you beat it you can truly consider yourself exceptional and you'll have something very important to give to a world in need. Good luck.

 

[Whosajiggawaaa]

^thx.

Well imma see an adrnńdiction psychiatrist tomorrow.will post here about how it went

 

[herbavore]

Wow, I had no idea you live in Africa. I grew up from 12-18 with my legal residence being Nigeria (my Dad worked there). I didn't live there the whole time but enough to miss it--crazy as that may seem with where the country is now.8(

I'm anxious to hear how it goes for you with the Dr. Remember, be honest! He or she needs to know where you really are in order to help. Good luck, my friend.

 

[Whosajiggawaaa]

^Nice. Is such a rich country - resourrce wise. Pity so little of it goes to the locals....

SO I saw the psychiatrist. She said basically she can't under take to help me with my addictions because they are too severe and frankly she doesn't have the expertise. so she is referring me to a doc at a rehab to have a consultation with me as an outpatient and address my concerns re being weaned and whether i'll get methadone and not suboxone (suboxone has just plain not worked at all in the past).

 

[herbavore]

Hey, do you have an update?

 

[zephyr]

Hey jiggy,

Maybe you should deal with one issue at a time instead of the whole thing at once. It would help to get in touch with a counsellor who will on the phone or face to face get a plan that will work for you and have the least impact on your job.

The impulse to gamble has to be stopped even if it means no credit card and blacklisting betting agents and betting lines forever. You will reap the benefits if not having your money go to the bookie ever again. You will never win big again. Just accept it and remove yourself from any form of betting. You cant afford it.

You will need to be detoxed safely and supervised. The staff are there to help you and have seen it all before. You will be tapered down and given a suboxone or methadone plan. You need to explain your shoulder injury and get some ideas to fix it so you dont rely on oxy.

If you can just ask your work for personal leave as you are having a very hard time with your shoulder or just need time off for whatever reason and they value you then they should give it to you. My work did twice. I provided a medical certificate from my doctor.


I dont know what the detox places are like or the drug rehab centres near you are like but a lot are really comfortable and nice food and regular meds.

If you have insurance it usually pays towards these things


Doing rehab is the easy part. Getting out and staying clean not so much.

I really hope you put a plan in action or go get a professional to help.

Also get your shoulder fixed mate

You are a lovely guy. A lot going for you and deserve to be happy

 

[Whosajiggawaaa]

Appreciate the support guys. I have been having phone convos with a school friend with 6 months clean time (after 15 rehab stays mind you...) who's in the states. He's also encouraging me to take action.

I haven't heard anything about an appointment with the rehab doc - the psychiatrist was supposed to set up for me. So I think I will phone her tomorrow and/or will initiate something. Just gotta make some progress.

My mom is back at her house - her med aifd benefits ran out for the year for the centre she was in. SO that adds to my stress level. She doesn't have anyone with a car and with her at home I will go back to to being her errand boy. BUt fortunately she lives close to mine. She's bene having mental health problems, severe paranoia. And she's aonly at home cos her insurance won't cover anymore frail care/psychiatric support/hospice care for the year. If she ain't paranooid her health problems and errands dont bothwer me - i infact don't mind em. But when she is paranooid - calling the police in and such, it stresses me immensely and is ultimately a trigger for me to use and problem-gamble.

On the plus side I have been winning with the gambling. have made 700 usd in the last 3 days - I got my phone and internet reconnected (I let the phone and dsl bills stack up not paying them for 3 months). This makes me really happy. Makes me feel less vulnerable. Makes me feel empowered. I have been working a lot too. helps stop me from obsessing/over analyzing shit - idle hands make for the devils work.

So yeah I am probably stalling I guess....

But I don't wanna get admitted to a rehab centre then discharge myself the next day cos I'm not truly committed. I will make the clal re the appointment with rehab doctor though.

Again - thanks for your posts.

 

[zephyr]

Sometimes it takes something very drastic to happen to go to rehab, when you have no choice to go you have to. But when you are deciding to go willingly, your drug and gambling addictions can win out time and time again.

I think you know you have to do something and soon but really dont want to face the thought of not ever doing drugs again or not having your oxy supply like you do now.

Dont worry about having to go sober forever just yet. You def need a break so focus on short term goals then decide what you want to do.

So put the drugs to one side for a minute. The gambling though you can work on first. If you add up all you spent on it or start to record it on paper and add up all your wins you will see how much money you have wasted.

Gambling support groups mate. Counselling. Blacklist yourself from on line betting companies. DO not contact bookies. Do something else to occupy this compulsive streak.

If it comes down to it ditch tour phone.

The money you save will help aleviate the stress. Go out and do things and work your angst out at a gym.

The drug rehab thing will happen and will stick better when you are ready. I just hope you do it before you are made to by someone else.

 

[Whosajiggawaaa]

Well the psychiatrist phoned me today and said she made a tentative apptnment with the rehab doc (I see he is opiod replacement therapy specialist - so that is good) tomorrow morning at 8.30 am but also gave a proviso hat if I can't make the apptment to phone and arrange another time (with the rehab doc).
i feel no time like the present and i should mybe proceed.

 

[DixiChik]

Indeed, Whosa...Proceed and don't look back. I've been concerned about you for a LONG time, before you went to the needle. I reached out to you in a PM and asked you to get some help. I was heartsick when you chose it anyway.

I realize you have physical pain and emotional pain, but your usage is so far BEYOND either of those. Toss in the gambling and potential for debt to bookies and/or dealers, this won't end well for you.

I'm sorry about your mom. Believe me, I understand that aspect. My mom is dying also. We can't change those outcomes, sadly.

YOU have your whole life ahead of you, if you CHOOSE to change your trajectory. It won't be easy. Nothing is, except choosing to do nothing.

You are a good guy with a good heart, beneath the bravado of drug use/gambling. You are a fine looking young man with potential to clean up your life, and live to love and be loved.

YOU CAN DO THIS! Start by staying away from negative influences/input/opinion. Keep that appointment tomorrow. PROCEED!

Listen closely to the rustling of my pom-poms in the distance...I'm CHEERING for you, my cyber brotha!

 

[d3athadone]

Bro I don't know if going to rehab is going to fix this. What are you going to do when rehab is over? I really feel because of your day job and your prescription that you should take the easier route which is take your pills more properly and stop going to the races. Or at least just cut the races out first. I just have a feeling you need to find some moderation. it doesnt sound to me like your really willing to quit opiates at the moment. Seems like your being forced into it which isnt always the best. Quitting heroin is a full time gig in itself. Not trying to scare you or deter you from qutting. If you feel like thats right for you, but my feeling is some sort of stability is what you really need at the moment.

 

[Whosajiggawaaa]

Indeed, Whosa...Proceed and don't look back. I've been concerned about you for a LONG time, before you went to the needle. I reached out to you in a PM and asked you to get some help. I was heartsick when you chose it anyway.

I realize you have physical pain and emotional pain, but your usage is so far BEYOND either of those. Toss in the gambling and potential for debt to bookies and/or dealers, this won't end well for you.

I'm sorry about your mom. Believe me, I understand that aspect. My mom is dying also. We can't change those outcomes, sadly.

YOU have your whole life ahead of you, if you CHOOSE to change your trajectory. It won't be easy. Nothing is, except choosing to do nothing.

You are a good guy with a good heart, beneath the bravado of drug use/gambling. You are a fine looking young man with potential to clean up your life, and live to love and be loved.

YOU CAN DO THIS! Start by staying away from negative influences/input/opinion. Keep that appointment tomorrow. PROCEED!

Listen closely to the rustling of my pom-poms in the distance...I'm CHEERING for you, my cyber brotha!

Thanks appreciate it.

Sigh, I usually have fridays off. So getting up at 7.45 is a big deal for me. But I think I trust this doc. He was the one who saw me when I was referred from hospital to rehab after my shoulder op in 2014 mainly cos they had nowhere to warehouse me and felt i would fall on it if left at home. the doc i'm seeing tomo was kind to me when I got there from hospital. he offered me either methadone or suboxone. I turned that down and insisted on oxycontin but at 120 mgs a day (was a huge mistake). the adjusment from 360+++mgs (what I was on before they transferred me to rehab - from hospital - still with the bracelet on AND in an ambulance - good insurance FTFW) to 120 mgs on top of the post operative pain - and the fact that I hadn't slept since the op +- 6 days cos they tinkered with my sleep benzo made it unbearable so I discharged my self after a full day and one night.I often wonder if it would have been different if I had taken the methadone (they were giving me tylenol 4 hourly in the rehab to be fair), I reckon I would've stayed longer...

So yeah, tomorrow I'll be going to that same doc at that same rehab - probably that same room were I was shouting all desparate and in pain 2 years ago...

I'll post an update afterwards. If I go in (get admitted in-patient) I won't be allowed a cellphoe for 21 days so I won't bable to update then. But I don't think I'll go in tomorrow - I still gotta authorise the admission with my insurance. In fact I know it won't be, I have to get my house in order and someone to take care of my dog...


but on the plus side my gambling luck has done a 180 - did wel today again,.

 

[herbavore]

but on the plus side my gambling luck has done a 180 - did wel today again,.

Gotta say it....this is a big blind spot. My aunt was a gambling addict. Squeaky clean, school librarian, religious and the sweetest person on earth. The whole family joyfully enabled her by endlessly passing around the same stories she chose to share--in other words how "lucky" she was and the huge sums she would win. It took her gambling her way through her whole retirement and basically becoming indigent and dependent on her siblings before the family got a clue. She had known it all along but addiction is such an efficient creator of denial and denial is such a comfortable place to live--she just kept stuffing that knowledge down. She still has to go way out of her way on trips so that she will not pass a casino.

 

[Whosajiggawaaa]

today i lost.^ but yeah i keep seeing gambling as a way to make money and make everything okay again (thats what my brain tels me)

but I saw the rehab doc earlier today. he assured me he won't make my withdrawal painful and would try make it as comfortable as possible said he'd give me methadone instead of suboxone (like I wanted, subs just don't work for me - he reckons it cos my tolerance is so astronomical). he is not willing to do the switch to methadone and gradual taper on an outpatient basis cos he is worried about getting me acclimated to the right dose which requires titration and also methadone and benzos carry a high risk of OD.

he has reassured me enough to give rehab another chance. the problem is i don't know whether i can leave my mom alone with noone to watch her back as she is.

after 3 weeks of psychiatric care she hasn't got one bit better (this is in addition to the cancer) . i thought they were gonna arrange for her to be sent back to another nursing home/frail care - but no - they sent her home....
she is convinced people are out to kill and has been calling the police and other people. getting electricians to come and investigate her delusions at an expense she can't afford. and she acts like i'm betraying her if i tell her to take her meds (i don't think she has been taking them) because she doesn't believe she needs the,, because she doesn't believe what she i s having are delusions/paranooia but are a real threat and there is a guy instenisfying her pain througfh electronic etc etc etc.

each time i see her i wanna use more strongly.

I am worried what will happen to her if i go away for a few weeks to rehab. whether the vultures will circle and pic her bones dry (financially) . i liv e very close to her - almost next door so I can see whats going on and visit her daily and do her errands. A break from this constant stress that is my life is incentive enough for rehab - not even including the gambling and drug problems.
So yeah I guess I am keen for this guys. My mom will just have to cope....
Just needa put notice for leave at my jobs and find somewhere for my dog to be cared for while im away and get the admission autherised with my insurance. I plan to get the ball rolling on monday.

One thing, the rehab doc doesn't know I'm an IV drug user i didn't admit that in our consultation today. I'm worried if i do it will effect my treatment. he was very nice and kind and joking + friendly today. dunno if i'd get that kind of treat ment if he knew I was an IDU. but my proffession and education carry some status i guess to make up for it. maybe im just insecure cos i'm very ashamed of this progression to the needle.