When will I feel normal

[Rio Fantastic]

How you doing bruv how you feeling.I been sober for a few months now all of October and maybe all September it's all a muddle I relapsed loads but this my longest with no gear.Not going to lie I'll still have moments of thinking maybe I could use once a week but that's what fucked me up last time.My most vulnerable time is when I go a long stretch without it I think I could give it ago.I am confident that I can stay the course.I can't talk about my feelings to people face to face so smart recovery proberly not for me.This is the place I go to get things of my chest.Keep strong mate don't go back to it you was so close to being dead last time for what a drug that takes up most our thoughts time money and it is just a fake life it's only a temporary relief mate.You have mentioned your mum before imagine her pain if something happened to you.As a father of three I can't imagine the pain of losing a child.

You're so right! I'm doing pretty good, day 10 for me which is the longest I've gone since July. I think you have the wrong idea of Smart Recovery, you don't have to talk about your feelings or share your story, it's more like a class you go to to learn coping strategies, you don't even have to say a word if you don't have to. Are you still drinking/smoking weed? Cravings regular?

 

[EPL1]

Hello my dear friend Yuba,

How are you doing lately? In case I haven't told you in a while, I'm really proud of you.

Love you,
Ash.

 

[yubacity]

How everyone doing hope all is good.I fucked up again had a few days of heavy lyrica use.Felt shitty this morning manly restless and anxiety.Will take some 30 mg codeine tablets for a couple of days.Have taken 60 mg and it has relaxed me a little.Wont take it more then two days pupils have gone tiny like when I used and not gonna lie this little buzz felt fucking good

 

[yubacity]

No codeine for a few hours and dont feel like I will get a bad comedown.Lyrica is something else when im on it im so happy.I love rock and on lyrica music sounds so good.I am so glad I am going back to the states where I have no way of getting it.Here my friend prescribed it but never takes them they cost me fuck all.

 

[EPL1]

Slippery slope, be very careful. Turn things around now yuba.

your friend,
Ash.

No codeine for a few hours and dont feel like I will get a bad comedown.Lyrica is something else when im on it im so happy.I love rock and on lyrica music sounds so good.I am so glad I am going back to the states where I have no way of getting it.Here my friend prescribed it but never takes them they cost me fuck all.

 

[yubacity]

Slippery slope, be very careful. Turn things around now yuba.

your friend,
Ash.

How you doing my friend hope all is well.I am so fucking bored ash don't get me wrong I glad in of everything but I'm so bored.When you use for years you always fear the detox you never think how much life has to change afterwards in recovery.I have had to drop all my friends.On Saturday I thought fuck this called my pal up said call some coke on and meet me at the pub.I had a couple of pints by the time he hooked up with me.I went in the toilets and chopped a fat one.Ash that line felt so good we pay 10 pounds a point for it but it's good coke.At 5 in the morning we went back to my mates he got some brown out to help in the come down.I was so tempted but got a cab home that's when I started on the lyrica.I resisted the gear that's good but just needed a night out with mates a person n

 

[yubacity]

A person needs friends just to break the boredom and have a laugh.I have tried going out with my wife's friends husbands.It is just so boring these people need a few lines to liven up.Maybe it's just me drugs from age of 15 I just can't seem to feel right without some drug.

 

[yubacity]

Tell you the truth ash I think I need professional help.Need to learn how to live a normal life without drugs.I will never go back to brown but I'm worried how much I loves a coke buzz again What a life ash can't drink because that always leads to coke can't do coke because I'll want some gear to bring me down can't do gear because honestly I still love the gear.

 

[EPL1]

And there's NOTHING wrong with that. I'd rather you do that than continuing to struggle, I feel for you.

I'd say ask aihfl or captain heroin or cj or Toothpaste their opinions on a good drug therapy place. They would be good to ask.

I love you and I want only the best for you and your family.

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.

Tell you the truth ash I think I need professional help.Need to learn how to live a normal life without drugs.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Tell you the truth ash I think I need professional help.Need to learn how to live a normal life without drugs.I will never go back to brown but I'm worried how much I loves a coke buzz again What a life ash can't drink because that always leads to coke can't do coke because I'll want some gear to bring me down can't do gear because honestly I still love the gear.

Bro, right now that's the case. You have primed your reward system for decades to expect heroin every time its tickled by anything. After a good long period of sobriety "resetting" your brain you could experiment with recreational drinking or mild drug use (not heroin tho!). Being an addict now doesn't mean it's sobriety or heroin addiction - there's a middle ground, but you just NEED that initial bout of sobriety before you can even try. Rehab or even just detox centres can be immensely helpful if you have a genuine desire to get clean.

 

[yubacity]

And there's NOTHING wrong with that. I'd rather you do that than continuing to struggle, I feel for you.

I'd say ask aihfl or captain heroin or cj or Toothpaste their opinions on a good drug therapy place. They would be good to ask.

I love you and I want only the best for you and your family.

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.

How you doing ash hope all is good. I been smashing the lyrica since wed I know I taking too much because I am talking to my self.Today started a quick taper so not to get two days of anxiety.Today I will take 900 mg tommorow 600 Sunday 300 stick on that two days and Tuesday 150 mg then jump off.Got our European holiday on Friday can't be in a lyrica depression then.My wife don't know I'm on lyrica she got my stash but I got a shit load of my pal and hid them in garage.I pretend I'm drinking so she don't get suspicious.What does that women see in me she is beautiful women can have any man she wants but instead sticks by this junkie who can't cope with life without drugs.I miss my kids so much my little daughters jacket was still hanged up I must have spent 10 mins yesterday smelling it.They coming down when they break up for Christmas with my wife's parents.So happy at that I love my in laws such good people.Just can't get my head around how I'm in this position again I was so happy.You and Rio are good people to keep trying to help me I don't deserve it but thanks.

 

[yubacity]

Bro, right now that's the case. You have primed your reward system for decades to expect heroin every time its tickled by anything. After a good long period of sobriety "resetting" your brain you could experiment with recreational drinking or mild drug use (not heroin tho!). Being an addict now doesn't mean it's sobriety or heroin addiction - there's a middle ground, but you just NEED that initial bout of sobriety before you can even try. Rehab or even just detox centres can be immensely helpful if you have a genuine desire to get clean.

How you doing bruv good to hear from you let's me know you still clean.I fucked up again bruv.Hiw the fuck did this happen again I was happy.But a life stuck at home with only missus to talk to can fuck with the head.I miss my friend all junkies in their own way but my pals.Will be get professional help learn how to live life if not totally clean then as a occasional user like you said.It can never be heroin which I fucking love or alcohol which leads to coke which leads to heroin.Enough about me mate how is your recovery going.Stick at it mate and remember if you ever need anything a chat money anything I'm only 3 hours at most from you leave a message here and I'll give you my number.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

How you doing bruv good to hear from you let's me know you still clean.I fucked up again bruv.Hiw the fuck did this happen again I was happy.But a life stuck at home with only missus to talk to can fuck with the head.I miss my friend all junkies in their own way but my pals.Will be get professional help learn how to live life if not totally clean then as a occasional user like you said.It can never be heroin which I fucking love or alcohol which leads to coke which leads to heroin.Enough about me mate how is your recovery going.Stick at it mate and remember if you ever need anything a chat money anything I'm only 3 hours at most from you leave a message here and I'll give you my number.

Thanks a lot man, I really appreciate that! I had a lapse on Monday but managed to keep to just the one day. I broke and had a pipe at a friends house and then as soon as the comedown hit I went into town and put my mobile phone on buyback so I could get cash to score, I'm gonna buy it back when I get paid next week and then I'd love to take your number. I was feeling really shitty about lapsing as well since I'd had 14 days clean but then I read to treat myself like I'd treat a friend who lapsed rather than beating myself over the head with the fact that I'd relapsed and it really helped. We have to forgive ourselves because guilt will just drive us back to using, you know? When you are thinking about your relapse, think about what you'd say to me or Ash if we had lapsed, and then say that to yourself rather than criticising. Getting out of addiction isn't easy, but at least we're fighting the good fight!

 

[ladyhlove]

Hey both of y'all! Don't beat yourselves up! Addiction is a chronic and RELAPSING condition. Shit happens. As KraziKat says: Fall down 7 times, get back up 8. Y'all's relapses are getting shorter and shorter, also, which is a sign of improvement. Forgiving myself was always the hardest part and led me to keep using, I would think "i'm just a worthless junkie, might as well keep using until I die", but when I learned to be a little easier on myself, I found my relapses getting shorter and fewer and farther between.

Best of luck to you both. I'm rooting for ya across the pond!

 

[yubacity]

Thanks a lot man, I really appreciate that! I had a lapse on Monday but managed to keep to just the one day. I broke and had a pipe at a friends house and then as soon as the comedown hit I went into town and put my mobile phone on buyback so I could get cash to score, I'm gonna buy it back when I get paid next week and then I'd love to take your number. I was feeling really shitty about lapsing as well since I'd had 14 days clean but then I read to treat myself like I'd treat a friend who lapsed rather than beating myself over the head with the fact that I'd relapsed and it really helped. We have to forgive ourselves because guilt will just drive us back to using, you know? When you are thinking about your relapse, think about what you'd say to me or Ash if we had lapsed, and then say that to yourself rather than criticising. Getting out of addiction isn't easy, but at least we're fighting the good fight!

That's the fucking thing bruv pipe or a line the Come down will end up us getting gear.Thats how I got into heroin I was a cokehead who hated a Come down.One day after a coke session a mate goes to me you wanna a boot.Asked him what's that he told me heroin I was like fuck that but still did it.It was like the magic key no more comedowns.Your doing well mate and have my number no probs.Your doing well you just have to stay away from crack becqus3 that will always end the same way. I thought I do a short lyrica taper today.Maxium 900 mg today but I already done that and will do more.Will have to just stop tommorow and take codeine tablets for a few days.I could never taper anything I'm like a greedy fuck with drugs.

 

[yubacity]

Hey both of y'all! Don't beat yourselves up! Addiction is a chronic and RELAPSING condition. Shit happens. As KraziKat says: Fall down 7 times, get back up 8. Y'all's relapses are getting shorter and shorter, also, which is a sign of improvement. Forgiving myself was always the hardest part and led me to keep using, I would think "i'm just a worthless junkie, might as well keep using until I die", but when I learned to be a little easier on myself, I found my relapses getting shorter and fewer and farther between.

Best of luck to you both. I'm rooting for ya across the pond!

Thanks mate and that comment about worthless junkie I have had those thoughts so many times.But at the moment I don't wake up feeling rough and needing gear.Might get a minor lyrica wd now but better then heroin wd.My problem is I get to the point where I'm getting happy moments and feeling good about being normal and for some reason think I can reward myself with drugs.But like you said relapses are getting shorter so will try being patient.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

That's the fucking thing bruv pipe or a line the Come down will end up us getting gear.Thats how I got into heroin I was a cokehead who hated a Come down.One day after a coke session a mate goes to me you wanna a boot.Asked him what's that he told me heroin I was like fuck that but still did it.It was like the magic key no more comedowns.Your doing well mate and have my number no probs.Your doing well you just have to stay away from crack becqus3 that will always end the same way. I thought I do a short lyrica taper today.Maxium 900 mg today but I already done that and will do more.Will have to just stop tommorow and take codeine tablets for a few days.I could never taper anything I'm like a greedy fuck with drugs.

haha, tell me about it. I have never been able to moderate anything my entire life - whether it be chocolate, cigarettes, alcohol all the way up to crack or heroin. Yet I get sober and start nurturing this fantasy that I can use recreationally again, and before I know it I'm back on the merry go round. still though, I feel positive about this quit attempt. I've learnt a few methods in SMART that have really been helping, I'll talk you through a couple of them if you feel like it. whats your financial situation like, yuba?? I just ask because drugs have left me permanently on the verge of total poverty, but I never see you complain much about money issues like most addicts I know!

 

[yubacity]

haha, tell me about it. I have never been able to moderate anything my entire life - whether it be chocolate, cigarettes, alcohol all the way up to crack or heroin. Yet I get sober and start nurturing this fantasy that I can use recreationally again, and before I know it I'm back on the merry go round. still though, I feel positive about this quit attempt. I've learnt a few methods in SMART that have really been helping, I'll talk you through a couple of them if you feel like it. whats your financial situation like, yuba?? I just ask because drugs have left me permanently on the verge of total poverty, but I never see you complain much about money issues like most addicts I know!

Your The same as me I just woken up and no lie I went over 2000 mg yesterday so much for taper.Just going to knock it on the head today.Lyrica is a cunt because you don't know if you will get a bad Come down or not.It good to hear you learning coping skills at that place.My financial situation is good I functioned on heroin.Heroin saved my marriage stopped me cheating on wife kept me at home and just levveled me out.I did not hit rock bottom on heroin.I got lucky bruv my cousin had a idea of starting a catering service for Punjabi weddings and parties.He had no money but I did.We made a deal I provide the funds to start it he don't have to pay it back but I get 50 per cent of profits.I went to India got the best chef I could find get him immigration papers to come to UK.The fucking thing took off I can sit on my arse if I want but I can never do that.I got a job as well which was for the heroin habit.I would wake up in morning smoke some gear and then take Punjabi opium called afeem which had a uplifting buzz and use that at work.Tell you truth mate the thing I miss the most is that buzz when you get home from work and smoke some brown in a instant it would relax me.We got the same brain I get to a happy place in recovery and think I can use recrationly why could heroin not be like weed do it stop when you want no wd.Heroin stopped my cheating because it nearly took away my sexual urges and I loved that even sex with wife was out of duty I could live without it.we only holiday in Punjab because there heroin was everywhere and cheap and great quality.What a life my brother but I'll thank heroin it saved my marriage paid my mortgage off gave my family a good life.I love heroin but even thou it levelled me out I hated being a prisoner to it.By the end ihad to smoke shitloads to hit the spot and my promise to wife to never use needle would have been broken.I still got a lyrica buzz that why this message so long.Im not trying to brag bruv but that is my heroin story it helped me but I was pissed of that I could not function without it.

 

[yubacity]

That last message I just noticed how many times I said I love heroin.That fucking drug is like a child no matter what they do you still love them.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

That last message I just noticed how many times I said I love heroin.That fucking drug is like a child no matter what they do you still love them.

We all still love it. Remember the shit that comes with it though man, is it worth it?? also I'm kind of confused about how much of your success you attribute to H - it sounds like you started a business with your brother but for some reason consider its success down to heroin?? do you really think you'd have had no choice but to cheat unless heroin had killed your sex drive?? I think you may be overestimating how good its been for your life and underestimating all the bullshit that's come with it.