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Welp. I'm back, and not with good news.

Thinkwithportals said:
Quick question. My mom has a prescription for cyclobenzaprine. Would this help with the RLS hell I am experiencing? Or should I just stay away?

This time around I'm trying to stay away from anything other than natural things to help. Thought xanax helped me sleep last time and I never had any want to touch it ever again. Overall I'm trying my best to tough this out naturally.

Edit// ended up taking 1 of the cyclobenzaprine, seemed to help with the RLS immensely. I also passed out for 2 hours.

After that I felt mildly better. It's definitely coming and going in horrendous waves.
Click to expand...

No experience with that med but if it helps it helps. Xanax or any benzo is fine in moderation. The intensity gets worse every time you kick via a process called kindling. But really your doing great it sounds like. Just take it little by little you will feel right as rain by Sunday morning at the latest.
 
Thanks cj! That's what I'm hoping for.
Last time I don't think I felt right at 17 days. This time I'm hoping since I know what to expect I'll handle the mental side a little bit easier.

My fiancé is in control of all the comfort meds, aside from all the natural supplements.

I took 2mgs of xanax, hoping to fall asleep. If this doesn't work I may just kick around for a bit, or try the cyclobenzaprine again. I believe it's also called flexeril. It really did dull down the restlessness. Though it seemed to amplify the really heavy limb feeling.

Been drinking a lot of tonic water and regular water. Lots of supplements. No exercise at this point. At all. The thought of walking makes all the nasty symptoms amplify.

Day 2 down. Feels like it's been a week already :/
 
Last night was a complete nightmare.
Took the muscle relaxer after the xanax didn't work. I was still up every fifteen minutes kicking and thrashing. My fiancé informed me that every 10 seconds I was kicking him basically out of the bed. Around 4am he gave me 5 2mg Imodium and that knocked me out until around 8AM. Which was a relief. Woke up feeling like a bag of bricks though.
I'm thinking maybe because I took the xanax and flexeril this perpetuated the RLS because I was quite literally climbing up the damn walls.

My fiancé said he won't be giving any more xanax until next week should he feel that I need it (I am in agreement because at this point I'm willing to take anything to kill this pain.)

I have some phenibut from the last time and am planning at some point to try that out so I can attempt a minor workout. It helped minutely last time but I recall it worsened the aches after it wore off so we'll see.

Some days I wonder why being sober is even worth this crap. But then remember how distraught I feel when I am clinging to a substance to cover my real life problems.

This journey is a painful and sucky one so far. Day 3!
 
Had weird dreams last night... I always seem to have extra vivid and odd dreams coming off of a substance.

I was able to sleep with nothing but a cup of chamomile and St. John's wort. Off and on though. I would wake up suddenly - exhausted - and somehow fall back asleep.
Not restful at all. But sleep nonetheless.

Took a 20 minute walk this AM and ate a banana and some magnesium supplements.

Here comes the brain fog and heavy headache. -_- I truly hate feeling as if my cognitive function is dulled by about 80%. Feels like my head is a damn balloon.
 
Today sucks so so so bad.
My lower back is killing me and has been all night. Forget the RLS in my shoulders and arms - no position relieved the throbbing in my back. My body weighs one million pounds it feels like. Day 5? I dunno anymore, I feel like I should be able to exercise at this point but I can't even lift my arms. Not to mention these hot flashes are killllllling me
 
Don't forget to hydrate. Rooting for you and watching carefully. I'm up next.
 
Thanks krazikat! It's been hard this time.. I can't get out of the "I need to take something" mindset. I haven't learned how to let go of my love for drugs. I'm trying not to be introspective about anything - but it's tough when all I want to do is kill this pain with anything I could get my hands on.
Good luck to you! Keep us updated on your journey. Reading other people's experiences always gives me hope!

Today has gotten minutely better. Dosed 750mg of phenibut around 9AM after a severe panic attack over the fact that my symptoms seemed to be worsening.

This will be the 2nd time this week I have used it. Will need to wait 3-4 more days before using again. If I even do. Last time I didn't use it too much because it negatively affected everything. This time it takes away 90% of the physical symptoms - except the dull ache in my head that won't stop.

It's nice to be able to be up and move around - though I know I'm in for it tomorrow -_-

About to head to my parents house for a swim, and let my puppy run around their yard (they have 3 acres, and I live in an apartment) so he loves it there.

I did inform them of this quit - finally, both have been supportive. Though really generic. Every time I see them I hear "you just have to do it! You did it once you can do it before. Just think positive."
And I know they're right. But when I'm in this state of mind I want to sucker punch them. Neither have ever had any drug issues (neither ever took any drugs, ever.)

My dads brother, however, is extremely addicted to crack/pcp/alcohol. Some brothers on my mothers side are alcoholics as well. So my parents are familiar with addiction, but from an outsiders perspective.

Currently, my uncle has just suffered 2 strokes because of his addiction, lost his wife, and in the process basically incapacitated himself. My father has had to take the reins on everything.
His body is retaining water (the right side of his body is completely inflamed, he looks like the Michelin man) and he is most likely going to pass soon. So with all that good by on I am more inclined to want to use to cope.

I can't stand thinking my dad looks at me and sees his brother.
Edit/ sorry for the long drawn out explanation. Need to get it out somewhere as my fiancé has his own set of problems and I feel terrible breaking down to him. I've never been an insanely open person.
 
Boy do I know that feeling... that I just have to take something and will take anything to find relief. For a long time it was oxy, then booze and kratom, and now just kratom mostly and anything else I can get my hands on. Even stupid Ritalin. Change is imminent.

I'll be following your journey closely, as I'm just ready to take the plunge myself.
 
Updating because I don't know what else to do with my time right now.
Had a pretty good day whilst at my parents. Decided I took too much phenibut for my liking, feeling it now.
Had a bit of a mental breakdown tonight and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I'm in so much pain and it's not letting up. Panic sets in hard and I can't shake it at times.
About to down some chamomile and valerian root and pray for sound sleep. I need some actual rest.
 
Jeez guys this is seemingly getting worse. At least the depression and lethargy is. I'm just at a loss. The voice in the back of my head keeps telling me to give in again, at least I was productive on Kratom. Or that's what I keep telling myself.
6 days in and all I want is to get in my car and go pick some up.
Jeeeeesus, last time at least I had the will to quit. I just feel so lost this time and like I'm trudging through at an embarrassingly slow rate.

I keep questioning why and how and what sent me down this road - though in the end I know all that matters is today. Doesn't make it any easier. I keep telling my fiancé I want to give up, he's not letting me. He keeps telling me that he doesn't think I'll be very happy if I do that.

He returns to work tomorrow, which means the rest of this journey (until September 1st, when I return to work) will be mostly me alone. That worries me SO much.
 
Being alone can be tough in early recovery. Try to stay busy and stay connected however you can while he's gone. That's one of the things that's great about BL...posting in my recovery journal and reading/responding to my BL friends' posts is a huge part of recovery for me.
 
Thought last night was going to be way better than it was. Currently 5am and I haven't slept. Not sure why the sudden insomnia. But I'm about to tear my limbs off my body.
 
It's a bit after the fact, but I hope you made it through the night ok. Bad insomnia is such a mind fuck.
 
Thank you! I am doing ok. Mad cravings and definitely wanting to throw in the towel. Just keep telling myself that upwards to 600$ a month is not worth that shit. Then the other part of me says "well, just control your use better! Buy in bulk and go back to drinking it as tea." It's fairly convincing during this particular struggle I'm facing. But I haven't given in yet, and I don't know what inner force is driving me to get through this - but I'm riding it out. I've tried to nap with no success. I am hoping that the insomnia was a result of the phenibut use, and the fact that I took a walk right before bed and forgot to take my hot bath.
yikes. We'll see. Thanks for stickin with me and being so supportive, I am always here for you as well, I admire your journey so much!
 
Okay guys - a little wary, but also very relieved right now. I have been struggling SO hard this time. My fiancé brought home some kava tonight, and I have only ever tried it a few times with minimal results. Well, after a day full of restlessness and anxiety, I decided why not? Everyone has a lot of good things to say about it. I haven't been able to find any negative stories about it (please, chime in with any info you have!) but about a half hour after downing the bitter weird tea... my limbs completely relaxed, and the awful brain fog seems to have lifted quite a bit.
I am currently sitting on the couch waiting for everything to slam back into me at warp speeds, but enjoying this minor triumph.
If anyone has more info on kava, and any caution I should take going forward with this, I would greatly appreciate it. As it seems to have quelled all the withdrawal symptoms except the hot/cold stuff.
I really only want to use it in the evenings to calm down for the night and sleep. But I'm having trouble deciding if by doing this, I'm damaging the progress that I'm making.

edit// I should also say that I finally feel like my brain and body are on the same page, and that I could actually sleep!
 
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i would like to say I woke up just now after sleeping a solid 4 restful hours... except what woke me up was a raging UTI. This is outrageous and I find myself at cvs, tired, and in tons of pain, picking up medicine. Ah, well. I feel much better than last night at least. Just gotta wait for these meds to kick in. Trying to decide if trying to go back to sleep is worth it at this point. It's almost 4AM. I can't catch a break!
 
I believe today is day 8 guys, and the lingering physical symptoms seem to just be the aches/lethargy/hot/cold/sweats. kava may have helped with that. My mindset took a big turn last night during the minor relief kava provided me. It was as if I was able to calm myself down, and approach not taking Kratom or any other opiate with a rational mindset. Now I know this is part of the kava. It's anxiety relieving qualities aren't over the moon, but like I said, to be able to think clearly for the first time in a week really motivated me to want to keep going and stop being a big ass crybaby. Withdrawal sucks absolute shit, but so will breaking my bank for a substance that I'm using as a krutch. I feel ready to delve back into my spiritual and emotional self, as that's something I haven't done in about 6 years. I'm a very hardened person, and all the crying I've done this week made me realize that I haven't cried in years, and It makes me uncomfortable and happy all at the same time. Anyway guys, sorry for the constant posts! I'm just trying to keep a detailed report to read over when the cravings come back. Because I know they will.
 
Keep the posts coming, TWP! We're all here because we want to hear how you're doing.

You're making incredible progress. I'm amazed by how clearly you're thinking and writing, given what kind of discomfort you're in.

<3 Sim
 
End of day 8. Today was weird. Had some kava this AM. Reduced anxiety 90%. I am noticing that by visiting my parents daily, my guilt levels rise hediously. I feel so bad about my failures when I'm there. But spending time with them is something I know I will regret not doing. I managed a 40 minute walk with the puppy. Picked green beans for an hour (my dad is a farmer, and let me tell you it wasn't easy in 90 degree weather) then I took all the trash out. Our driveway is about a football field in length. I was so so proud I managed through the pain. I had to take 4 breaks to breathe while doing the trash. But I did it.
My mindset continues to go up and down. But I have been reciting something over and over that always helps me;
"god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
I don't believe in the organized, stereotypical religious "Gods" - but I do believe in an everflowing higher energy that is connected through all things. Thinking about writing a book again. I wrote one a long time ago, almost had it published - but I freaked at the last moment and never touched it again. The publishing co. was all about it, it was my own self doubt in my story that made me retract.
I may re-write; maybe I wasn't meant to write it back then, because I still have so many anecdotes to add now. Who knows, writing all these small things has definitely been helping. We'll see I suppose.
 
So last night I ended up getting my time of the month. (Sorry if that's TMI for some) but my cramps are off the scales. I usually have pretty bad cycles, but never like this. I also have no energy today, walking is the hardest task. It's really putting a damper on my positive mindset. Could this be exasperated by the withdrawal? Wondering if anyone knows anything in that regard.
 
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