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Welp. I'm back, and not with good news.

Whew. Day 13. This was rough. I got home from my sisters - and bawled my eyes out to my fiancé. The guy we usually get oxy from texted, and I toyed with the idea of just getting some relief. Just for tonight. I went over and over in my head if I'm going about this the right way. It all just feels so intense this time.
I am truly struggling. I'm wondering if I would have tapered if this would have been easier. If I should give up and try again later. Every time I let my thoughts travel down that road though - I'm met with a great deal of anxiety. I wouldn't even say I miss the Kratom. I clearly recall the anguish while I was using - and the desire to be free of it.
Im pushing through today in increments of 10 minutes. Time is not my friend.
Everything aches today - my back is in knots. I pushed myself hard this weekend so that could be why.
Im really doubting myself today.
 
Stay strong, portals! The kinds of moments you're describing flat-out suck...no doubt about it. And they can last a frustratingly long time. But this is the hard work. This is the fire we walk through.

One question, and I absolutely *don't* mean this to undercut your efforts to get free of these drugs...if you found yourself really teetering on the edge of relapse on oxy, would you be open to taking the edge off with kratom? Again, I'm not saying that you should do this. But if relapse is a real risk, it seems to me that defusing the situation with kratom would be far preferable to copping/using oxy. I almost didn't even write this paragraph. (And you may--with complete justification--think that what I'm suggesting is bullshit). But kratom has such a lower profile of damage than opioids do.

Anyway, I won't dwell on that. I know you can weather this surge just like you've weathered them before. You're doing fantastic.

<3 Sim
 
I knew I wasn't going to make it out of this without a few mental breaks. The craving just hit me so fast and hard I was blindsided - one thing led to another and then I was in hysterics. Thank you for your words, as they always ground me! I was not offended at all. I set a few goals once I calmed down, and told myself that if work comes around and I still can't find it in me to fight, I'll come up with a new plan - that excludes any hard opiates.
This is all just happening at a really shitty time. As the manager of my salon (not private, -- I wish I owned my own salon! This would be 10x easier) 2 of my employees quit just days before I left to quit Kratom. Which means when I return there will only be 2 of us, and I'll be working 10 hour days. The thought of doing that how I feel now makes my stomach churn.
I keep telling myself that I could wake up tomorrow feeling 10x better - I just have to make it there.
I didn't expect to struggle mentally or physically as much as I am. It's exhausting. I hate the idea of having to do all this over again, but my endurance is running quite low.
Im going to give myself some time to think, and reevaluate how I feel in the morning.
 
Sounds like a good plan...being prepared to re-evaluate is important. Fixed plans can get us into hot water in recovery, where everything is so fluid and unpredictable. Personally, I'd say that whatever it takes to re-integrate at work without going back to opioids is the most crucial part. Obviously, it would be by far the best if you can also stay off kratom. But it's important not to let perfection be the enemy of the good.
 
Well! No time for reevaluation this morning. I did something to my back, and when I woke up I could barely move. For whatever reason this morning was the worst so far. The pain set off my anxiety and I don't think I stopped crying until I forced myself to shower. I was pulled into a really deep panic attack, and all I wanted was out. I was literally pacing around convinced I wouldn't ever feel good again.
My apartment was an absolute train wreck since I have been like this, and that pissed me off enough to actually clean. So, while I don't feel good at all - I managed to redirect and after all of it, my back feels a smidge better. And - the apartment is mostly clean :)
whew.

thanks sim :) I finally figured out how to change it!
 
Day 15! I really hope I begin to get some clear cognitive function back. I am feeling awful slow, and overall just "not there."
Pushing onward though!
Physcial symptoms are still occasionally present - mostly when my anxiety hits (all the physical stuff floods back.)
Wondering if kava is playing a role in the ongoing anxiety, of if this is a natural part of the process that just feels worse once the kava wears off. Probably somewhere in between.
I have made the decision to go back to work with no Kratom. I need to ride this out as far as I possibly can. That is the goal, right? To be completely clean? Well! Here I go. If at some point that turns out to not be right for me at this point, I will go from there. But for now, I'm trying to embrace all these shitty feelings.
Life just feels really raw/odd/too vivid for my liking. Like the beginning of an LSD trip. Ugh! The overall general feeling during my days is just plain sensitivity. And I hate that. Oh so much.
 
That's a very important question--what's the goal? And of course the answer is compltely up to you.

But this seems like a good goal, and with all this time under your belt without kratom (15 days is awesome), you're in a great spot to go back without it. Just keep in mind that there's a whole range of goals...the crucial part is figuring out which of them is where your heart lies.
 
Day 16! Still having back pain - still really tired and not motivated. Everything gives me anxiety. BUT- I walked the puppy at 7AM this morning. That's the earliest I've managed a full walk (15 mins) but I did it.
Tomorrow is the last day before work. Trying to keep an open mind. But I can feel the sheer panic creeping in.

And, right? My goals are all sorts of skewed right now. My main goal is to feel better and be free from this BS - and physically I suppose I could say that I do, mentally however, I for sure don't. Time will tell!
 
Well - I am going to force myself to take a long damn walk with this puppy! I'm going to stare at the trees, and the pond, and be mesmerized by nature for a bit. (Hopefully.. I may just chainsmoke and have panic attacks.) but I will get out of this apartment again, and try for the best. I've got work on Friday - and my boss informed me that my schedule is absolutely insane as far as what I've got to complete goes. I need to stay distracted. Sitting still for too long brings on this heavy chested panic I can't escape.

Jeebus. I didn't realize how long I've been using drugs to cope, - what goes up must come down I suppose. Whys it gotta be so friggen tough though?

sorry for the succession of updates - just trying to keep a detailed report that I can read every time I even think about turning back to anything opiate related.
 
Your doing really great portals! This is probably the hardest thing you will ever do in your life so give yourself some major props. The back pain will slowly subside over the next few weeks along with the majority of physical symptoms. The insomnia depression and anxiety will linger for months but the volume will slowly be turned down as you get into a new routine. You need to find something fun you can do a few times a week to combat the inevitable boredom that's going to come into your life. You also have to remember that all these negative feelings are not real they are just a chemical imbalance that will slowly be fixed.

Keep doing what your doing cause your kicking ass!
 
Thanks cj! Friday I will be signing up for skydiving. I made the snap decision today. I get paid for my PTO Friday and my first thoughts were that I can now finally afford some Kratom or Oxy. "Just once." I know how false that is. So at least this way, I have something to look forward to. I know this is the hard part. I always think the physical is the shitty part - then I get here and realize there is absolutely no light left in the world. Oi vey! It's giving me a run for my money. So I'll be skydiving the middle of next week. Hoping it gives me a boost of endorphins and an eye opening experience. If anything else - I can say I've done it.

Thanks for responding, I hope you're doing well :)
 
YEEEESSSSS Portals!! Awesome... Get high on Life. Treat yourself and live with passion. Do all the things you wouldn't do while using. Life is an adventure. Great choice.... Btw.. Have you ever been before? I am an adrenaline junkie myself. Keeps me sane in sobriety. I live for the adventure. Keep on trucking.

<3Somni
 
I have not ever been before! I am terrified of heights! The thought of having someone strapped to my back makes me feel a bit better about it. So here I go! No turning back. I am generally completely lacking emotion right now - so my fear of heights isn't playing any role. It could change completely once I get up there. But I promised myself I would do this. The idea came on so suddenly and out of nowhere - I couldn't ignore it. It's easy enough to get a reservation - and I'll have the funds, so why not?! I used to love adrenaline.

Thanks Somni! I hope you are doing well <3
 
This overall feeling of dread and anxiety needs to subside. I KNOW I'm going to wake up for work tomorrow in a horrible panic. I'm just trying to find positive ways to deal with these emotions. It's not entirely working. I do feel a *bit* better emotionally speaking... but overall I can feel the anxiety scratching at every corner of my being.
 
Are you up for getting a little exercise? Even a brisk ~20/30-minute walk would be good. Unfortunately, I know all to well that when we're at our most anxious, exercise feels like the last thing we want to do (or at least the last thing I want to do). But it can really help bring down the anxiety. <3
 
I have been forcing myself to walk every day, hoping it's helping but also not reallllly noticing! Feeling like quite the wimp today. Going back to work is really weighing on me.
Part of me wants to hit my fuck it button. They have always treated me like shit and expected me to do the work of 3 groomers. I take no lunch breaks - but they still clock me out for them. (Forget going to HR, they'll just find a reason to fire you, and if they don't - you get outcasted to the point of wanting to quit.)
I keep telling myself that grooming is a trade, I can take it anywhere if I have to. I just need to hold out at this corporation for a while longer - and I can start my own salon.
Yikes! Work has ALWAYS caused me great anxiety though, since I was young. I care a lot about how people perceive me and my work ethic. The thought of letting that go feels fairly liberating. I just don't know how to do it.
 
Holy cow the anxiety over going back to work is super fucking high right now. I can't seem to calm myself down.
My heart has been racing and my chest has been tight all day. Deep breathing exercises seem to make it worse.
really losin it tonight. Going to try and calm myself down to get some sleep... we'll see how this goes.
 
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