Thank you Inflo, truly.
Sleep is out of the question, after today's news I had no expectation of it. I'm just lay in bed, cuddling my dog, mind on overdrive and body the opposite. I was a chronic insomniac before all this so it's not a shock. Though I do wish the ubiquitous hallucinations that result from extended SD would fuck off.
I ate some chicken earlier, along with two pints of high sugar lager so at least I have some calories in me. I have appetite problems at the best of times so I'm used to little food intake. Though my BMI was 16.9 last time I checked so I guess that's another issue to sort out.
The WD was/is intentional - I had finally had enough of being a junkie, but CT'ing the benzos was not by choice. I had a seizure after around 40 hours without dosing and got admitted to hospital. The logic of the staff there was 'right, he's benzodiazepine dependent and seized due to the withdrawal, let's bin the only benzos in his possession so tapering isn't even an option and kick him out to do it cold turkey!' Seriously, I had to get an emergency GP appointment to see about a taper, or, indeed, anything to stop me dying from another seizure. He prescribed 5mg Librium 3 times a day, 2-4mg of Diclazepam is roughly equivalent to 80-160mg of Chlordiazepoxide so you can imagine how much effect it has... Though no seizures since so I guess it's doing something. (As an aside, I have never taken a benzo that causes such a hangover at negligible doses!).
A bit of advice for anyone reading: GP's aren't that happy if the first time they meet their new patient, they are greeted by a rattling young male with addiction problems asking for controlled medication...
Irony has it that I got some sleep/collapsed from exhaustion early this morning and as a result missed my appointment with the Substance Misuse Team who were going to sort a benzo taper and Opiate Replacement Therapy there and then. I, unfortunately, have quite bad anxiety (a major reason for the Diclazepam use) to the point that even thinking of making a phone call causes me to feel physically uncomfortable and actually doing so induces a panic attack. That meant I couldn't contact them to explain or rearrange so I'm going to have to travel the 14 miles there and back tomorrow to explain in person.
I actually spoke to a CMHT nurse today and have never come closer to punching someone. He came into my home and told me drug users shouldn't receive treatment, accused me of intentionally not attending my clinic appointment, that the reason I had/have an eating disorder is that I'm too lazy to cook and it's easier to take multivitamins instead, that I am putting zero effort into helping myself and seeking treatment (the irony that I wouldn't be speaking to him if I didn't personally put the effort in to refer myself and arrange appointments seemed lost on him), that anxiety doesn't exist and that depression needs a specific trigger (the whole reason it is classed as illness is that a trigger isn't necessary, it is biological in nature, otherwise every person who has ever felt slightly unhappy would be clinically depressed), insomnia also doesn't exist - it is, and I sincerely wish I was joking, simply a 'lack of routine and Horlick's'. He had the audacity to state that I am 'taking the easy option', by withdrawing, in a rather brutal fashion, from sizeable doses of narcotics, even though I have a legitimate reason for them as a CPP, actively referring myself to both the Mental Health and Substance Misuse Service, along with making my substance misuse a permanent note on my medical notes, a proverbial black mark ensuring that if I relapse, I could not do so by feigning injury. I don't want to imagine the difficult option. He also suggested I had never worked a day in my life, without even inquiring prior to his assumption. Funnily enough he changed his tone after learning I was working 7 days a week for 60 hours, without pay, as a carer for an Autistic young man, a carer for a stroke victim and as a dog walker for the elderly and disabled people who couldn't do it themselves, alongside studying for a degree in Micro and Molecular Biology and maintaining a 1:1 (92% average for anyone who knows how it's graded) in every unit. I have had two weeks off due to my health, prior to this I hadn't had a day off in 16 months.
He walked into my home, sat down and insulted me on both a personal and professional level, alongside disregarding the entire notion of mental illness. A supposed mental health 'professional'. A man who told me 'you know more about this than I do', and to stop using 'big medical words' as he didn't understand them. (Such technical words as: withdrawal, mania, delusional psychosis, anhedonia, benzodiazepine, amongst others). I could run mental rings around this prick even in the state I am now.
I wish I was joking or exaggerating. I plan to file an official complaint the second he refers me to an actual Psychiatrist.
It was as if they ran out of trained staff, put a suit on a nearby hobo, give him a shave and let him loose.
The mental health system in this country is disgraceful, it's no wonder so many people suffer in silence.
Thank you for your kind words, Inflo. It's lovely to know someone cares.
