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Vent/Rant Thread vs. Don't get in my way

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I decided it would be fun to suck whippets and drive my car. At first it was no big deal, til I crashed into a construction vehiicle. THen my friend was too busy watering pot plants to take me to the hospital, he said I was "just in a hurry". I had my claviicle fixed Monday. SO two other days I did the same, on back roads for fun. No one seemed concerned. Ok. Neither am I though I ended up nodded out int he middle of the road and by the highway off the road. My husband just bitches that I am to bitchy. So I guess I have to cheer up. CHIN UP! Really I don't know why I did that. I have no urge to die. It was like a daredevil thing. fucked up
 
foolsgold said:
just sat here trying to work out the last time i had any real human contact other than with doctors we are talking 15 years since i last had anyone really even hold my fucking hand enough is enough i think this last binge is going to be just that my last ever ive been alone for two long now and i can't stand any more of this just had the flash of remembering splitting my wrists once before and it offered me some kind of peace just then

sorry i know i sound like some whining teen age with all this just keep fighting it but thats got to stop now its time just to get on with this

i am failing quickly here its kind of scary but peaceful at the same time i got myself ready a month or so go i think i need to get back into that head set again
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<3 <3 <3

I'm sorry man. You can always PM me if you want to talk.

JackiePeyton said:
I decided it would be fun to suck whippets and drive my car. At first it was no big deal, til I crashed into a construction vehiicle. THen my friend was too busy watering pot plants to take me to the hospital, he said I was "just in a hurry". I had my claviicle fixed Monday. SO two other days I did the same, on back roads for fun. No one seemed concerned. Ok. Neither am I though I ended up nodded out int he middle of the road and by the highway off the road. My husband just bitches that I am to bitchy. So I guess I have to cheer up. CHIN UP! Really I don't know why I did that. I have no urge to die. It was like a daredevil thing. fucked up
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Nitrous while driving? Damn, that's one of the worst possible drugs I can imagine for driving. Please don't do that... for your sake and the sake of others. <3
 
My one friend told me to go do a 72 hour admit. I told him to fuck off and no one else seemed concerned. In retrospect, he was my one true friend. Despite that he had to water those pot plants with my hanging collar bone
 
spent my 22nd birthday withdrawing from heroin nobody got me anything or wished me happy bday not that it matters..birthdays are just a day but fuck..at least i've got about 3 weeks clean now and thats the longest i've gone in my life i didn't think i could ever do it. paws is a bitch and somehow I'm convinced i need to stop lurking forums and that an online presence will help me...oh and after my family found out i was an addict a while ago, they gave me one chance to detox (it was really horrible timing) and i fucked up, so they basically cornered me into getting on methadone. i had no other options so i went to the clinic a couple times and it was so fucked man i couldn't go back and i had no way of getting there every morning and felt so trapped i wanted to fucking kill myself. so against my familys wishes i said fuck that noise and detoxed myself off a high dose of heroin and whatever methadone i took if that counts...subs don't work for me and now I'm coasting by but i guess I'm alright for now. I know this is fucked up and many of you feel the same way as i do but i can't get this thought out of my head where i want to save all my money for a long time and get stable again and use it all for heroin and figure out a way to use daily again...like i did before and it worked out. the thing keeping me from relapsing is knowing that would be a quick way to blow what little cash i have, feel good for a few days, and be back at square one again wanting to die. id rather save cash for my unavoidable future relapse where i am better equipped to support a real habit again. sorry for crying on the internet. boo hoo poor me. pour me. sober life makes me feel like a fuckin slug...and EVERYTHING is salt to me
 
Hang in there Keyed.
I relapsed myself so I'm a massive hypocrite but fuck it.

If it is PAWS that is the problem (and I know first hand how brutal it can be), there is some positivity in that you are, by definition, past the acute phase and so well on your way to sobriety. Some never even get out of acute WD so congratulations are in order.

Whilst they come with their own risks, do you have access to benzos? They are fantastic at removing the ubiquitous anxiety, depression and lingering boredom. Along with, at the right dose, reducing cravings (though too high a dose massively lowers inhibitions so it's a double edged sword) and allowing you to get some sleep as a bonus!

Some people recommend cannabis and if it works for them, great! But I've never tried it for fear of worsening the already difficult anxiety.

It sounds like homeopathic, hippy, pop culture bullshit but just going for a walk outside and getting some fresh air really does help. It stimulates your down regulated receptors to release endogenous Morphine (endorphins) so it does have scientific validation.
 
I hate cops and assholes who work at recovery centers/rehabs who think they know better than the people they call life long users and addicts. How the fuck do you know better than me about what I'm doing? You already say I'm the best at doing it.

I hate being labeled by these pricks and not feeling enough courage afterwords to put them into a giant label and start a war. I should though. But I have morals.
 
I've been told by multiple medical professionals that I know more about the subject than they do... yet they still don't take into account any suggestions made by myself.
 
I don't feel alive anymore
it's getting cold outside
I want to go make some money, have fun with some friends
 
JackiePeyton said:
My one friend told me to go do a 72 hour admit. I told him to fuck off and no one else seemed concerned. In retrospect, he was my one true friend. Despite that he had to water those pot plants with my hanging collar bone
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Some people express their caring in messed up ways. I said if I was still wacko in a few years I would off Trent Reznor for fucking up Joy Division's Dead Souls. Husband says - "I'd rather u do that than what u did" I said "but I would be in jail for life" he said " no one does life anymore unless they go on a spree"
 
The guy I really love (and no I don't throw that word around) who I spent everyday with a year ago called me tonight. Yeah, I said love because I did fall in love with him and didn't know how to handle it. I felt things with him that I never felt with anyone else... and I try to move on, but I can't. I try and try. However, it's hard to forget him, especially when we went through so much shit together... even the death of our friend (we were both there that night). After our friend died I realized I had to leave back to Pennsylvania and get my life together. I said goodbye.. and it's been a year almost and I still hate the fact I had to leave, but I was at one of the worst point in my life and sadly so was he.

He still isn't really doing any better, but I don't blame him.... having to do cpr on our dead friend would have left me fucked up too. Well, I am fucked up from that night still. My anxiety has never been so bad and I cant believe in January it will be a year since our friend died. It felt like just yesterday. I wish we both could learn how to cope with this. I wish my friend wouldn't keep associating me with the death of our friend. I just want to fix things and I don't want to cause more pain. I wish things were different. He says he connected to me more than anyone, but every time he thinks about me... he thinks about our friend who died and he's not over it... nor am I.
 
I swear to god if people decide to go and talk to me tomorrow of all days...I mean why would they anyways but still. I guess I'll be hiding somewhere tomorrow... fuck I am too stupid...
 
Spindash said:
I swear to god if people decide to go and talk to me tomorrow of all days...I mean why would they anyways but still. I guess I'll be hiding somewhere tomorrow... fuck I am too stupid...
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If you need to talk, feel free to send me a PM.
That goes for anyone struggling right now.
There is always hope <3

Roll on January, will finally have the money to move back out of my mother's, was only supposed to be staying for a few weeks - that was February 2nd...
 
I'm self destructive and I'm too sneaky that nobody around me knows what I'm doing too myself, I get high to numb everything and everyone around me see's me with a smile...they just don't know me at all. When it boils down to the gritty my man of 7-8 years will never get the chance to understand me, I wont let anyone into my mind because they wont get it, not even my fucking therapist gets me..who I dropped dumb bitch.

Fuck it I'm living my life the way I want.
 
^i can def relate, I abused to numb the pain but i spiralled out of control and suffered terrible consequences. Just be careful hun ♡
 
I purposely don't keep friends so that when I finally decide to kill myself, few people will have to be upset.
I tried angering my wife, and she left, but she ended up coming back anyway. I'm really bad at being mean.

Making others feel bad is the only thing that keeps me around and it angers me. I hate having to be around because I feel guilty of hurting others, and I know how much it hurts.

Who would have thought it was actually hard to die from heroin addiction. I feel like 'little johnny liv-a-lot'. Just wish I could get a fatal disease of hit by a bus so I can die guilt free. As it is, I feel like being human is a prison sentence, and I just have to wait it out.

On a lighter note, I finally decided on my sucide note. B flat...

/rant
 
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I hate where I live. I grew up in the country and it's nasty ghetto. I don't know why I moved here . I am getting laid off for about a month aND a half. Hence i will be broke soon.I live with my boyfriend and his roommate who doesn't do shit . If I move out (back w my parents) I'm sure he will break up w me. My 5 year old lives with me. Everyday I drive him to school and pick him up 20 minutes away. I wish I knew what to do. I am miserable.
 
^Is your relationship with your boyfriend a good one? If not it might be better to move back in with your parents. Bottom line is that your son needs whatever is most stable and whatever makes you happiest is what is most stable.
 
Right now it's not. We've been together for a year and he's stuck it out with me through a lot of shit. It doesn't help that it's holiday time and I feel like if I leave it will make me a cold hearted bitch
 
I keep fucking making mistakes and not learning from them...
 
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