I think it was meant to occur. I had tons of cash money it was payday. Severe benzo withdrawal was revealed to me. There were several times when I had them lined up and then just bails. I was meant to experience this, it revealed to me that this is not comparable but just as edgy and hardcore drug use as a severe heroin habit.
I almost got into a lot of trouble finding xanax. I could sense I was gonna get ripped the fuck off and possibly a 2 on 1 fight so I scrammed. I was having a panic attack and could barely speak, before even going. Then my new friend called and was like yo did you try n link with him cause don't. He's like did you give him any money? I was like HELL NO you think I'm stupid or something bro? Fuckin hustler. So we are seshing tonight I have stoner friends now! 3 really chill ones, way lower prices on weed than dispensary stuff should save me money too
Then my doctor pulled through with some Val : )
I should be good now and this definitely lowered my tolerance a bit it has been a fucking nightmare. The dose drops were easily over 50% it's fucking dangerous. Everyone at my shift last night well I told them right away. It was a fight to drive there, and they were so kind to me. They were like just do whatever you want essentially but I worked hard.
When I was in withdrawal I did about a half gram of coke. Didn't seem to cause any problems apart from dehydration, I couldn't sleep anyway but yeah, watching out for that even though it's not really my thing right now it could become it.
Financially I'm in a much better situation and I called my boss first thing this morning and explained the situation. She was really nice and I essentially have a stress leave for the rest of the week. Not everyone will understand, but only she needs to.
I'll read the messages later I haven't had a solid meal in a couple days other than oats. Have a mountain of pasta to eat and then my last key bump, then a bong sesh with a new friend.
I'm focussing 100% on getting healthy again that set me back a couple weeks, I'm scared to step on the scale I look so thin. Everyone but the hustlers were nice to me, I'm really really lucky. Val will keep me from having a seizure, even if I'm still withdrawing. And that is my biggest fear I wouldn't want to die that way.
This made me realize that I am not suicidal in the slightest. I wish to live, but with a better quality of life. I will never stop fighting this shit. Now that I am used to severe benzo wd, those interdose withdrawals will be laughable. This didn't feel anywhere near as bad as heroin withdrawal to me, it's the risk of running out completely and it was a very close call. Bless my doctors heart because I did sort of have to spin my words to get the early release. I prayed to my guardian angel statue and then the idea popped into my mind.
I'm good for now!
And yes squeaky 2 habits is far easier to manage than 3. If I was still using opiates I'd definitely have run out of benzos entirely at some point and that has never happened yet because I know it would destroy my whole entire life.
Thanks for checking in I didn't read the messages honestly just letting people know I am still alive and I was not fucking around. Well I have a pasta to eat, a bong sesh to drive to and a key bump to hit cause yeah in benzo wd's actually the coke helped me through the sleepless nights. Weird like that I thought it would be the opposite but coke has almost a medicinal effect on me. I can't focus for shit.
I took 60mg Val right away just to get the shit in my system. Anyways, I'll check in later this has taken A LOT out of me I am so worn out... I wasn't even smoking weed so it was that cold turkey which is SHIT enough, then one coke crash that was harsh so dehydrated, and benzo wd I've been a fucking mess I seriously thought I was going to die from running dry. I had a single dose of etizolam left when I woke up today and I was too sick to even think or rush or do anything but lay in bed and wait. I'm really really really lucky : )