I cheated.
I guess a large part of the problem is I am sort of alone in this. I have support from the BL community, but I stare at the people in front of me and I cant tell anybody what Im going through. Then the depression gets to me. Then I cheat.
Good news is the lope is totally working on the physical wds still.
Hey squeaky
I'll bet you're right in that a large part of both your suffering and your setbacks is that you are alone in this. I always wonder why ppl in our BL community so often say they cannot tell a Soul in their real lives, about their struggles.???? Why can't they? Why cant you?
I realize sometimes ppl are on their Last Chance with loved ones, and that they might lose their spouse or kids or home or job or even go to jail if they are on probation or in a drug -court appointed dependency program.
I also Suspect that many individuals here say those words ,"I cant tell anyone in my life about THIS " simply because it's a secret. I'm willing to bet a large majority who say this have never even tried telling loved ones their struggle. For fear I'm certain. I know I was afraid of how I would be seen n judged by loved ones and by my employer etc when I was in active addiction. However Telling everyone was a huge part of my being Able to benefit from.the services I sought out. It helped so much in keeping myself accountable for my actions; it helped that they knew, so they could become educated on substance abuse disorders n therefore be more empathetic individuals. ..
It helped the Most as far as when I had my set backs or emotional ups n downs I was Able to talk to the people who love and care about me most. A doctor or a counsellor can lend a decent ear at times but they're paid professionals doing their jobs. They don't Dearly love me and have a strong emotional stake in my wellbeing.
I know it's VERY difficult to Admit to loved ones that you struggle with addiction. There's pride...we don't want to disappoint them or have their ideals about us shattered....in my family I was the smart one, the strong one, the dependable one and the Mom.
It was very hard jumping down off that pedestal and Hell -praying they would all still love me even Though I knew the would likely lose a measure of the respect they had for me, and perhaps that would NEVER fully trust me again.
But I did it. I told everyone
Parents siblings spouse children friends employers. EVERY one knew. Only a handful of times over the years (*it's been a decade since my active addiction to opiates began. It ended in 2012)... only a few times in that decade my addiction was "used against me" by an actual.loved one. Those incidents were simply white trash mud slinging efforts when one of my siblings or an inlaw was all pissed off at Me
They couldn't think of any other way to attack , or figured bringing up the pill popping would be the most hurtful, who knows. In any event I didnt take their criticism to heart. My active addiction was NOT an intentional foray into a low life. ... it's not a character flaw nor something to be ashamed of. It's simply a fact. It developed over very understandable circumstances; yes IT led to some poor decision making on my part, for which I immediately and have always taken responsibility for, paid the price and made my ammends. Beyond all of that if ppl I love or admire are scandalized by the fact that I had a 4-year dependency on painkillers.... well all I can say is "I'm sorry my health had an adverse effect on your life ".
Perhaps my family (my dad my spouse my kids, in laws n siblings who NEVER acted nasty towatds me for it) are just remarkable people; but I truly believe that MOST ppl are remarkable people and that they will be Tremendously supportive and actually Glad to know, when a person they love comes forward and talks about addiction. It will answer a lot of questions and explain a lot that they were wondering about... it'll open a conversation. It will lead to Their education on the subject which is always a goodthing. It will strengthen most families to have the truth brought out in the open.
Most of all it will help the person who is suffering in active addiction . .
To be honest to be accountable and tohave loved ones to talk to.
I know it's a Hell of a risk. For me personally I had to tell them. There's no way I would have succeeded in getting away from the pills if I had attempted to keep it all a deep dark secret.