I had a horrible day emotionally because I got high yesterday. I got back on track with my 15mg doses. I'm so used to them by now that one day isn't going to mess with me much, but I took 120mg that day.
I'm holding out to see how this goes, and to see whether I'll eventually be able to function. It's doubtful; it seems that all I am capable of doing at this point is hating others and threatening suicide. I think I'm just having a horrible day because I took double my normal dose yesterday. I didn't get a good high from it, either, so I'm not inclined to use again. I felt overly sedated and passed out all day.
One thing I've noticed is it is becoming harder and harder to achieve the high that I like. I suppose with increased tolerance, comes increased side effects from using higher doses. I find that the opioid high is very mentally stimulating while being physically relaxing. I am finding more and more that the high is becoming sedating however, as I require higher doses to feel anything. I've never understood the allure of 'nodding' so this is alarming to me. It is another reason to stop.
The hash really helps my state of mind - and my body, in particular with digestion. I am using really great oil, well, crumble you could say. Smoking herb vs. dabbing quality oil feel quite different, and I like to combine them. I can't tell if I'm addicted or if I just really love to dab that oil, but it's not a concern because I don't plan on putting the dab rig down anytime soon, or ever.
I plan on sticking with that form of dope, it's much less depressing to abuse. I'd like to cut back a bit on the hash, but I find that fiending it is necessary to get off these opioids. One of my motivations is that if I take my prescribed amount I'll have more money to fiend hash. It probably helps pain, in any case all of it feels healthy since it's organic. I'd rather get high on weed and hash, something I've been doing for 15 years and can still get elevated on, than continue messing around with pills that I actually need for my back. I will take the extra back pain because I won't forget how awful those first few weeks were. The reefer helps transfer any addictive tendencies I have over to a more benign substance that doesn't come with horrible side effects. I could still easily become hooked on dope because rapidly change my feelings and contradict myself.
edit... it has been a few days since I slipped. I've been taking 60mg/day religiously. I will never go higher than that ever again and I have ceased to view increased opioid use as a solution to my suffering. I am very much stable on 60mg now being halfway through the third week. Emotionally I am a wreck but that is okay, I have plenty of good hash being Canadian. One thing I find weird is how much I am sleeping, is that normal at this phase? I had insomnia for a really long while, but now I find that I am sleeping way more than usual. In the past 24 hours I have slept 12 easily, at least. I think that I'm just catching up on sleep, or my brain needs the rest to produce new endorphins.
I've also been incredibly hungry, but that could be the hash. Before 11am I had made spelt crepes with chives, and also a huge pasta with shrimp and sausage and vegetables so that is two heavy meals within a few hours. I guess it's part of the recovery process but I better make sure to exercise a bit.
I should go back and read some old messages from a couple weeks ago. Maybe I'll do that, just to see how much progress has been made. I am no longer in anywhere near as much pain. No restless legs or aching arms, no stomach cramps, no increased anxiety, still depressed as hell but that's me. Just a shitty life. I probably forget how bad it was, I'm interested in looking over what I wrote because I noticed in withdrawal my perception of time was altered.
Hope poke mama is doing well with her taper, and med adjustment, and Squeaky I'd encourage you not to give up, because I know that you can get to 60mg, and lower, easily if you stick to the set of rules you made up and move past the slip ups with even stronger vigilance than before. Those set of rules are infallible if you just stick to them. I can't see any way to do this other than having constant vigilance, and rules; the pills have to be on your mind dude, probably all the time at first.
I am definitely not giving up yet. If I want to get high I'll smoke weed or hash. I am so very much used to these 15mg doses now and I figured it would take around this much time ideally so I am happy with how quickly I recovered physically. I feel like my depression will continue to improve also since it's only been a couple weeks so far. I have to recover from the recovery itself, since I was laying in bed for so much time. It's crazy how I almost forget that it happened, it is like my brain is blocking how bad it was from my memory, in an attempt to get me to start using again. Man, all I have to remember is how fucked up that withdrawal was it is SO not worth it, especially now that I'm not really getting high the same.
Eventually my 15mg doses will start getting me high, and that's when I will know to taper down. My next jump is going to be a direct jump from 60mg to 40mg, and it's going to be sooner rather than later. I still need some space though. It hasn't been too long since I was abusing much higher doses and sniffing. Once I have taken it easy on 60mg for a long while, maybe another month, I will make the jump to 40 and I expect the withdrawals to be at least as severe as they were this past time (but they will probably be easier).
I'm also considering an immediate drop to 50mg, but I really don't want to push it. I need at least a little bit of time where I feel decent and not like shit.
I am just so relieved that I feel better and no longer feel dizzy and nauseated.