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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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Currently unable to rock on, as my YouTube refuses to connect.
Yet I shall rock on in spirit; it's nearly midnight here so I can't blast any Bob Dylan thru the home stereo.....

I will just rock on in my head. It's a relatively Peaceful place to be, tonight, & for that i am most Grateful.

Hope everyone has a good night.
 
These responses are amazing, they are one of the nicest parts of my day. It seems that you people care about my destiny. I assure you I have incredible potential. I am self conscious about having to write so much and it is about chronic emotional pain as well as physical pain and how interconnected they are. I am self conscious about that too. I am going to try and keep this concise, but thoughtful to each of you.

Xorkoth, one of my best friends describes me as a tornado of self awareness. I am all too aware of constricting conditions and I feel trapped. Liberation is straightforward though. As you were saying dude, baby steps. A month ago I was honestly learning how to get dressed again in the morning. Where my jeans were, how to put them on, the total lack of willpower to do so... I thoughtful choose what to wear now and do so quickly if I need to. I had a few dates last year with a girl I realized is completely wrong for me but they went fine and she was hot. She was far too complicated for me to get anywhere. There are less complicated girls out there who are not so judgemental. Emotions should level out over time there is a difference between having oxycodone tickling ya and being opiate empty (I prefer this terminology to clean). I hit a nice sesh this morning and feel good, just hungry and thirsty. Normal animal things. I'm gad I went to an interview thing that is a step too. Concerns include running out of xanax and also I cannot function at all if I run out of weed, not having a job. Doesn't have to be a rush but the job thing does. I need money for drugs.

Larimar, I am going to memorize what to say, or I may get carried away. She's no frills I've chatted her up enough and for a while so it would be fine to do that she likes me. She was fostered when I asked for her her name and so damn cute. I have gotten further with hot topic girl than I did talking to that blond chick every day for a couple months and going on dates with her. By talking to her casually and naturally whenever we see each other randomly when I like to walk around the mall. The interest that grew was natural and right from the start. I still have no expectations except from myself not to be a dumbass if/when I see her again. She let me try her necklace on I thought that was hot so I got a matching one I've never taken it off it's still on my right forearm wrapped around! She was like yay I started a trend I'm like no me and you girl. She's got this mellow, low frequency energy but a bright, fiery spirit I can see in her eyes. I kinda wish she was laying in bed next to me and we were stoned talking about random stuff and I could scold her about not cleaning her healing piercings. She is definitely kinky too in the way that I like that is easy for me to see lol. Now this could be fucking fiery she has been the girl I am most attracted to since last autumn for sure.

It is worth noting that it isn't only the girl at hot topic I have been doing this so much since last year with attractive ladies. Hot topic girl is one of 3 I think of and am like I should be f**king this girl I bet she's really good she's hot and doesn't seem to mind me at all. There were many others I didn't sense this with though. Well Larimar you convinced me where I should start.

Running fox = confidence boost. This is what I have been doing lately in fact. Even going to the interview. I remind myself that not any of these people have gone to pretty much the top university in my country that everyone wants to go to on scholarship and did one of the hardest technical programs. It's like I don't even consider that valuable or that I have it, so stupid. I do have confidence in myself very much I am in a shitty situation that would make anyone feel down and with drug withdrawals on top of that and loneliness / no social life really, or any more or job, it hasn't been nice. Worst time of my life and so much stress. I have the confidence but it gets owned by anxiety if I can't relax myself. So I do a lot of yoga I should figure out which one I go to this weekend. That is very much improving my confidence I look hot haha. No really though, I definitely do. Nice side effect when I am trying to relax my overactive mind. I am fit an toned my legs got much more nimble and stronger, posture is being corrected, shoulders broad and laid back. Then I like to mess with my appearance like having blond hair now I do these things like conch piercings cause I look at myself in the mirror I'm like what could I make myself look like? It's great. I love fashion like that.

That is one more thing I have now that will make me feel better about myself. Not everyone can do that stuff it's intense as fuck and whips you into really good shape and I'm getting good and flexible about it. Like I got so depressed about my life situation I can't acknowledge that I've been 20 times just this year when I was in oxycodone withdrawal. That is hardcore I was leaving exhausted after not moving for like... 45 minutes. Eating like 3 times as much food to fuel that. Like you say not everyone can improv on guitar some people can play like monkeys others are creative and do their own thing. That is only one of many ways that I am creative. I am in general a creative. I have created a hell for myself, for example. It might be fun to work my way out though if I can manage it. A job right now at a chill location would mean the world that's what I need. Covers the xans and lets me afford to grab ounces of nice chron, spending change for dates, I just need that. I am okay I still have restless legs and muscle aches sometimes my body is messed up, the withdrawal depression is of course natural. I felt really great last year on that heroin, didn't I, and the year before, and the year before...
 
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Thanks for reminding me. I do keep a journal. There are lapses in it, always when I am using or the first month withdrawing. Then I regain the motivation.

I like old fashioned script writing, love letters, antique things and such.

I'm going to get back into guitar soon too, running fox.

One of my goals is to write a novel in fact. Journal writing is therapeutic. So is smoking a lot of bong in the morning and making yummy maple crepes.
 
That sounds amazing Shroomy. I went through this manic phase in my life I like to term it a bipolar phase even though I'm not and would write down stuff I was feeling at the time when I look at it now I have a good laugh and think seriously was I that mental?
But yeah it's good to get things out IMHO
I would love to read your book
 
Runningfox said:
Take those few min while showering or shaving or otherwise , and tell yourself some TRUTH : you ain't shooting or snorting H today! You are attractive and interesting to ladies, to prospective employers, you're well-read, compassionate, you have a shit ton of great things to offer this world!
there's a few examples of Shroomy -truths

Now go play that guitar and limber up your fingers : I think you'll be getting into it seriously again. You are an excellent freestyle / improv guitarist! Everyone's been VERY impressed.
Don't let the negativity kick your ass. You kick its ass! !!!!!!!!!
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I agree with this. I need motivation and initiative though. I have always had that I am fairly certain it is at least in part withdrawal related. I don't have very much self confidence issues at all. I used to. My past relationships were all sorts of things good, and sexy as well. When I end up with a girl we end up all over each other. Nooo confidence issues there especially since I started getting more into fashion, I am loving it since I never used to pay much attention to my appearance. Spending like an hour a day to look fashionable and well put together feels great and makes me much more comfortable since I know I'm good at it and I feel that I look great. I have so many interests anyways I can enjoy life. Withdrawal sucks, so does my life now but I can change that.
Really just about finding the key to unlock the chest of worldy pleasures and hot women. Time to smoke some more weed and ponder things some more and write in my journal random stuff that I'll look back and maybe remember in my benzo and herb hazed mind and then hit some more bong and play some guitar. Guitar will be a milestone haven't touched it all detox and I was getting crazy about it before! Although, I took the time for hot yoga I needed it.

I used to avoid talking to women and now I enjoy doing so, I am also just talking random stuff like I would to anyone. Being myself. I am a kinky lil fucker I will def get with a hot chick pretty soon. I'm still half-braindead from opioid abuse like give myself a break. It's more of a frustration thing I was numb for so long and now that I am getting that rebound horny and waking up realizing I'm broke and in a mess it shouldn't be too long to sort things out and when I do it will be such a good feeling.

I should take Larimar's advice and maybe I will have some fun with that girl. That would certainly do me some good, and her some good too. And keep looking for a job since I seem to get them pretty easily. More of a matter of keeping them. Remember to play guitar write in my journal go for walks take pictures and read.

My progress is rapid always has been but it's still measured in weeks like can I give myself a break I just got my sex drive last week. About a month ago I wouldn't have the energy to throw on some clothing unless my life depended on it I would grudgingly do so. If I wasn't confident I don't think I would be even talking to anyone like before. Not getting a job has ore to do with motivation, burnout, initiative and laziness. Yoga should help my energy levels with that. And I am more in tune with what type of job I want. Nothing in particular, something that fits and is in some way chill.
 
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Larimar said:
Shroomy; some advice about the hot topic girl.. Next time you are there chatting her up just say : I really enjoy talking with you , do you want to grab a coffee or something after work or just ask for her number . Dont over complicate it . And great job staying off the oxy :)
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I was already psyching myself out about this. Wtf do I say? I kept asking myself but your wording is great. Can't overcomplicate this with someone mellowed out and she explains to me that she is lazy in a really cute way. I like her. She likes me. It goes from there and then we really get having fun. Your wording is good it's super casual gives an idea, leaves it open get her number. I think it is going to matter how I say it. I was already thinking about this. I was overcomplicating it and confusing myself.

I am at this point with her too. I probably have been since the holidays, where I could ask her out but it was the holidays and all and then I was dopesick. Now is when it feels just right. I don't think I should ask too much about her. I know enough. Ask her out. She's at work I'll make it pretty quick. She remembered me after like a month straight away. That is insane I want this girl. It has been so casual since I first met her and I can't forget that even then it was special. We match I sense it.

It'll be 5 weeks off the oxy on Monday. Haven't done any H since July apart from one day a long time ago.

By the way thank you so much. I didn't know how to ask her. I'm naturally myself around her and she's working, she tells me cute little things about her personality and she's so damn laid back. She is for sure interested in me I know that. We get in a zone with each other where nothing else really exists and we enjoy chatting but don't really mean for it to happen just does. That's how I feel, and sleeping with her would do wonders and I am sure we'd do well together I feel like I'd be really comfortable to without waiting very long with her. If I was doing dope, it feels weird running fox mention H since I quit in July. It is crazy thinking back that I used to sniff it daily and get that awfully sick. If I can get off opiates I can memorize a couple of sentences and have fun with this hot girl I fancy.
 
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Well I had 12 days without oxy, longest run this year/since trying to quit again. Had 5, then 7 cold turkey, then 12 aided by Suboxone, so back on track tomorrow, waiting to start again in the morning. Most time since August 2016. Triggers are blantantly obvious and feel like I’ve faced a couple okay, and a couple at least knowing why.
 
achemicalreaction- 12 days no oxy. Were you feeling better already? For me 12 days cold turkey and I was getting my life back, feeling pretty good.
Why did you decide to go back to the pills?
I only ask because I will hopefully be facing the same dilemma in a few weeks and I really hope to stick to my quitting plans.
 
Squeaky said:
achemicalreaction- 12 days no oxy. Were you feeling better already? For me 12 days cold turkey and I was getting my life back, feeling pretty good.
Why did you decide to go back to the pills?
I only ask because I will hopefully be facing the same dilemma in a few weeks and I really hope to stick to my quitting plans.
Click to expand...

i was feeling better for quite few days, Suboxone went a long way. Work situation popped up and had to deal with a massive amount of stress and I get afraid of failing at my job. I guess I am putting myself in situations where I’m not ready to take on the responsibility or face failure. I got to the second day of dealing with the stress, and broke I guess. It’s definitely been a learning experience and I’m feeling more self aware of my motivations, especially since I’ve been writing it down as opposed to drifting through.
I hope you can find the strengths and reasons to stick to your plan as well - I can’t imagine how hard it must be to deal with daily physical pain.
 
Shroomy --
That all sounds great.
Maybe try n get a easy-cheesy job at that mall? I realize you're far over qualified but consider it a little stop-gap while you're still getting your life back on track. It would provide structure a little paycheck and some responsibility n socialization. Those iPhone places always seem to be hiring. . . Or maybe there's some place even more technical where your skills would fit in even better.

If not then just apply for whatever they've got open. It's a start.

Squeaky---
What you'll be facing soon is gonna take a steel nerve to get through but I think you'll be able to meet the challenge. You know full well what it's gonna entail and you just need to finally Decide to be fucking Done with the meds; you can do it. Feels to me like you want it.
Physical pain is very difficult to live with. I have it too.... I just come to a point of accepting that i may NOT "feel Good " ever again.... but I'm accepting of the fact that Being Okay is Enough.
 
I didn't mean to hit the Post button yet. I'm on mobile too so I cant edit.


As I was saying the physical pain is generally manageable without meds once you teach yourself a couple tricks --
1) breathing thru the worst of it. Moving your body gently to the point where discomfort Just Begins then next time move a touch further. Kinda like self administered physical therapy.

2) understanding and accepting that pain killers are not EVER changing the condition of your body or healing what is causing the hurt. All they do is Block the brain from registering the hurt your body is experiencing. After enuf use the pills dont even do THAT anymore. They simply sit there..... making ya sick once you quit them.

Quitting them is the only answer to being ourselves again. The withdrawals suck but it won't kill us. The anxiety is crippling at times (as I talk to Dusty about in his thread "one last quit") but there are tricks to containing the anxiety as well. Drug-free ! If I can do it anyone can. I'm nothing special.

I hope everyone has a great weekend n is able to find a peaceful point in your days, to stop n appreciate yourselves. How far you have come, and find a handful of things to look forward to. Happy Saturday !!
 
I am on the 35th day, and I feel slow and out of it. I still get withdrawals sometimes but not often. I am hopelessly depressed in my mind and took the drugs way too far. I used to have boundless energy. Running fox those are my thoughts too about work. I don't consider myself overqualified. I would be happy with anything just something chill that won't hurt my back like a nutrition or book shop something smaller and low key but dependable. I'm not doing anything about it I feel burnt out and resigned. This particular withdrawal has been an atrocity.Waking up and I feel dead inside. I don't have good nutrition I haven't been able to afford it but I am getting groceries today. That will make a world of difference.
 
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Squeaky said:
PainfulOne- Pain is humbling isn?t it? I lost so much of myself since this whole mess started 4 years ago. I WAS a big strong man. Now I?m a wimp. I?ve lost more than 40 lbs, mostly muscle. There was very little I couldn?t do. Things like car repairs, plumbing, etc. Now I can barely lift some of the tools in my garage. I used to be one of the strongest people I knew. Now I have to let projects go undone or ask for lots of help. I can?t be as independent as I enjoyed being before and I hate it. It?s really difficult. I don?t feel like a man much anymore. I am lucky to have a wife and son who still see me as a man.
My advice to anyone..... take good care of your spouse right now because someday they might be taking care of you.
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Yes my friend, pain is very humbling. You are FAR from a wimp though! You have an inner toughness now that really is priceless.
I see you are going to try and go without any medication and I am impressed. This is something I can't/ won't/ have not considered.
I know I am tough and you are challenging me. All of you really. I have much to think about. Thank you friends.
 
I had such a crazy ego about it at first, all the physical limitations and stuff. It has humbled me in ways. We are all toughened up now too.

I can't believe I'm getting by without opiates, my pain has been extreme long before I began using them, and has never gone away while using them unless I was on them.

I am finding that I have less pain now, hot yoga is pretty extreme and having been an exercise enthusiast I've jumped right into it. I woke up at 5am this morning depressed doing nothing, and was like, my spine needs adjustment, my mind an awareness / concentration practice / my body intense flexibility and strengthening stuff. That will make me feel better.

It used to wipe me up for a day or two at first, but I find that I have more energy than before now, and less cravings for weed which is kinda weird. Or - I should say - it amplifies the high of the chron. I gotta make sure to pick up another 8th soon I lose it without pot.

Having a mountain of pasta after that 8am class. It was awesome. Exercise if you can do it like however at all it helps so much. With my condition the spinal compressions and lengthenings and twists really help and feeling more fit, nimble and flexible I find myself even jogging if I am in a rush or hopping up the stairs. It is crazy. I just want to get laid though with hot topic girl. hehe I suppose that is a good sign too, I still notice softened muscle tone from low testosterone but horny hormones kicking in again is definitely a good recovery sign.

I don't know why I'm still so down when it has been 5 weeks tomorrow. Those relapses after cold turkey are a god forsaken nightmare. But yeah, hot yoga is rapidly becoming a top priority in my life just because so long as I fuel and hydrate my body for it, the benefits are insane. I notice a major boost in confidence too, not just because I look good hehe. It does something to that swiss cheese brain of mine that makes it more palatable.
 
Thank you all. I want to quit, but then it hurts and I count 20 screws on the last xray I had, and I remember all of the years I endured pain before I saught treatment, and that?s when I say ?F-it! I don?t want to be in pain. The pills help . I want my pills?
I don?t know how insanely painful this whole thing would have been without the drugs.
 
Running Fox i think you're right once I start having the energy to do normal me stuff then it will be better. I am going to start by picking up my guitar in a moment. Hopefully I can take finding a job seriously soon but I am feeling lazy and just smoked 3 bong tokes of chron. Time to play some guitar I guess. I need to be looking for work, feel so worn out. I def look good haha I noticed while shaving in the mirror today. I feel great about how I look in fact I was never like that before. Just the way I style my hair is chill I like having it blond and shaving for once, I am dressed all in bladck corduroys and a sick band longsleeve from a snowy hardcore show this past... I don't even know how long ago that was, wow. I was in withdrawal at the time. I also see how yoga has changed and toned my body and improved my posture it is just great. lol. I used to think I looked bad at least now I understand hehe, I'm still fuckin high like an hour after I ripped three bongs. I'm going to pack a massive bowl and toke it outside in the snow before my guitar sesh.
Really I should be going for a walk outside in the sun but I'll just walk in the mall real stoned again later.
I am slowly gaining my energy back. I might get even more stoned. I didn't smoke any weed for like a day. So it might be time to hit a bowl outside and then jam my guitar for the first time this year! Iunnnoooyjr
there's a lot to figure out fast I'll start with a guitar sesh though for at least an hour.
 
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Runningfox said:
I didn't mean to hit the Post button yet. I'm on mobile too so I cant edit.


As I was saying the physical pain is generally manageable without meds once you teach yourself a couple tricks --
1) breathing thru the worst of it. Moving your body gently to the point where discomfort Just Begins then next time move a touch further. Kinda like self administered physical therapy.

2) understanding and accepting that pain killers are not EVER changing the condition of your body or healing what is causing the hurt. All they do is Block the brain from registering the hurt your body is experiencing. After enuf use the pills dont even do THAT anymore. They simply sit there..... making ya sick once you quit them.

Quitting them is the only answer to being ourselves again. The withdrawals suck but it won't kill us. The anxiety is crippling at times (as I talk to Dusty about in his thread "one last quit") but there are tricks to containing the anxiety as well. Drug-free ! If I can do it anyone can. I'm nothing special.

I hope everyone has a great weekend n is able to find a peaceful point in your days, to stop n appreciate yourselves. How far you have come, and find a handful of things to look forward to. Happy Saturday !!
Click to expand...

You are quite correct in that you are nothing special.
Thanks for the priceless advise but you are able to have Christmas with your family, have a husband, leave your house, drive a car, sleep, eat, etc.
I just fucking love how others say they also have chronic pain but it is manageable without medication. Really?
My screams in the night tell me otherwise. Everyone in my life abandoning me when I got injured tells me otherwise.
Living (if you can call it that) in uncontrolled chronic pain and making it a year before trying to kill myself tells me otherwise.
 
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