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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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You have done well Squeaky! I'm happy to hear you have got the oxy down so much already.

I know what you mean about the left leg pain. That is what bothers me so badly too. Did you have the left leg pain before this surgery?
I hope that clears up for you. It is miserable. There are times I want to have my leg amputated but I don't think the pain is coming from there. It feels like wolves are chewing on my femur bone and I dream that a lot because that is what it feels like.

Tolerance does suck. Mine was getting up there and I just went back to my normal dosage and it took about 4 days to not feel bad and about 2-4 weeks to adjust back again to where I am feeling my dose again and it is holding me through the night. I actually made it this last month without running short on my prescription. Thanks to my mom giving me the medicine. It was so nice not running myself out and stressing over that!

Shroomy, yeah, you have chronic pain for sure. You are doing really, really good with it. I am proud of you!
You have been finding other ways to cope with this very hard condition. Diet, exercise, yoga, music, spirituality, meditation- all things I use also.

I think finding a balance is of the utmost importance for us guys. Don't torture yourselves. Don't give up either. We have got to find and keep that very fine balance and be flexible in what we expect from our lives now. We just have to live a bit differently now.
I have to say, we are tough! This chronic pain is super hard to "manage". You are doing a great job everyone!

Sending love
<3
 
PainfulOne- my leg pain is likely from all of the work they did in my spine. I?m sure the nerves are just pissed off right now. 20 screws in there now.?
I cheated yesterday, about 225 mg oxy. I have to get down to 90 mg/day by tomorrow I think or I?m going to run out again. It takes me about 4 days to get to a new lower dose too. The first couple of days really suck. I wish I had someone to police my pills for me.
 
Time to deal with the benzos. Today I have been paralyzed by anxiety, yesterday wasn't so bad but I was still extremely anxious.

I abused them when opiate sick last year and my tolerance skyrocketed. I just don't want to have a fucking seizure out of the blue.

Dosing etizolam every 8 hours, and trying to figure out what dose will keep me not too uncomfortable. At the moment the dose I am taking is leaving me extremely anxious, there is no way I could make it to yoga or anything, it sucks but I need to lower my tolerance.

I'm not even thinking about opiates anymore. This is more complicated to deal with and I need to be getting on with my life. I'd raise my dose a bit so I can function, but I can't. It is so short acting hopefully I am able to do things like drive a car again soon. Lavender calmed me down just now.
 
You should get some diclazepam, it's got a very long half-life and you can take it just once per day, that will help a lot with the taper. It's more difficult to taper with short half-life benzos.
 
Got some money today. Got some chron. Smoked the indica I really needed to relax and I feel good now. Got my etizolam supply in check too.

Man, wish I had better benzos like before but all of them have been through my brain. I'd like some lorazepam on top of (less) valium at the moment, stabilize and just chill. I love lorazepam, it's the middle way in the world of benzos for me. I think klonopin fucked me up a bit.

The short acting ones are shit for my chronic anxiety state as well. As soon as I can I'll be on something longer acting. In the meantime I can still keep myself stable. It's not ideal but I got this. Over a month clean now.

Nice suggestion by the way. I haven't tried it, but I am well aware it.
 
Hey Shroomy, thanks for the nice messages. I saw your other messages. I have been having way flared up leg pain, the sciatic nerve thing sucks so I have not been feeling well.

Thanks for reminding me about the essential oils and our creative outlets too. Yes indeed. Those things help.
I have been reading a good book too. Trying to keep myself distracted from the pain flare up.

Be real careful with the benzo's. I think you should keep yourself comfortable on those and bring it down slow. Sounds like you know what you are doing and you got this! Well done. I hope you get feeling better soon and can do your yoga class and stuff again.
Go easy on yourself.

Squeaky, hope you are doing okay too brother. I know what you mean about it being hard to be around family at times. Trying to not show how uncomfortable you are and scare them.

Sending love and support,
< 3
 
Thanks for the nice message too. Regarding being careful about the benzos I gotta stop taking etizolam. It causes increases blood prolactin levels and also blepharospasms (eye twitches) and it isn't as effective as regular benzos, tolerance to it rises crazy fast in comparison. I'm switching to xanax's today and not taking it anymore, the amount of alprazolam I need is probably a lot less but I'll quickly and naturally find that out. I don't like xanax too much but it sure beats etiz, I'm so sick of tha shit. And then I'll be on a drug that doctors are aware of at least. I'm fucked up, at least I am off opiates and feeling like my normal self again!!!

Ripped so much bong yesterday it was awesome, hot yoga was amazing, I went out for a walk in the sunlight and snow rippin bong everywhere, went to the mall and painful one remember that hot girl from the mall I like well I pretty much ran into her and we had a great chat and also I asked her name. I have a good feeling about her such a good feeling. And she is very hot, and tall, lovely girl, we both have super chill ear piercings like 8 each and cartilage ones if I like her this much I should yeah... just go there like twice a week and browse. I don't need to do much else but ask her out.

Woke up at like 3am with so much weed still, been rippin bong all morning and I'm still starved after eating twice. I'm going to have to have a third breakfast but maybe some more chron first. I
m feeling dam good now that Ive been clean this long. Can't wait to switch over to xanax's too like seriously. I ran out of money and resorted to etiz but it's not good for my condition and i end up using more of it. It's good though cause I hear taking only etizolam for a while will lower your benzo tolerance (it's not as sedating physically) and I think it's true because 40mg valium pretty much knocked me out and normally I don't feel that back in the day. My friend who also has taken insane amounts of benzos told me this and I'm curious where my xanax tolerance will be at.
 
It really helps to be able to talk to others who have an understanding of the these things and don't judge. I am glad we have this blue light community to help one another. It does help a lot. Just knowing that you are not alone me feel better. Sometimes it feels like we are so alone and going through some kind of special torture just picked out for us that no one understands. That is far from true though.

Are we talking about the girl where you held up the line? The one I said I had a good feeling about or a different one? I do remember you talking about a tall, straight haired fix that had caught your eye but I am wondering if this is that same girl?
Anyways, YES!! Go browse at the mall my friend and talk to her! Asking someone out does not have to be a big formal thing.
Everyone has to eat. Just say something like, "hey, would you like to have some dinner?" Or "would you like to go get some tea/coffee?". Just be casual. You can tell when a girl likes you. Look into her eyes. Having a nice conversation and giving her your full attention is huge. You need some sex too and guess what? Women need some too! Be of service to your fellow man/woman! Lol!

I'm very glad to hear you are working out the benzo situation. It sounded like you are getting medical help with that too and I hope that is the case. You should stabilize out pretty quick after you get to taking the right dosage for you and keeping that the same everyday. Great choice!
 
Yeah, her. I hadn't seen her in about a month as I was sick, and I have blond hair now but we noticed each other in an instant. I am surprised at how quickly she noticed me but then a warm cute smile like what's up. It is like gravity. Yeah she is tall and a fox, a little dark natured and mysterious and so chill Very long straight hair I like. I'm intrigued to say the least. I'll keep her outta mind until she's in sight again but I think I can do that. I better find a job though. I am going to work on that today but I am too lazy and tired to get out of bed this morning.

My pain hasn't been all that bad lately, anxiety has been extreme though.
 
Awesome! I like her. I had a feeling you would see her again when you were feeling better and I love how you described running into her again. "It is like gravity." :)
Very good! I'm glad you asked her name! That shows her you are interested and I have a feeling she has been thinking about you too.

You are showing more confidence in yourself now. Even with the bad anxiety of getting the benzo situation under control. I am very proud of you!

You have been through a lot and have come very far so take a deep breathe and give yourself the time you need. Your health is the most important thing. When you are up to it worry about the job. You don't want to put too much stress on yourself too fast.
Take it slow and enjoy yourself. Look at this as a whole new adventure.

It snowed here last night and released some of the pressure in the air. Thank God for that. I have literally been out of my mind in max pain for days now. Up all night crying and whimpering. I thought I was actually going to have a heart attack all day yesterday because of the pain. My heart kept beating weird and I had chest pains. That sciatic nerve pain gets intense.
 
Thanks for that support. That pain sounds very bad you must be a very humble lady. It sounds so bad to me because when I have panic attacks all the feeling is entered around my heart. I feel like my heart is in a vice grip, and I am going to die. So the chest pains really suck I know those from panic attacks and my heart just going crazy my mind can't even think it goes completely haywire. If anyone is around I'll ask them to check on me every 5 minutes in case I drop dead (this works as a good excuse if I feel like I'm close to OD'ing on something too). Before I got on benzos I was having these daily several times and started abusing seroquel, like a gram a day of this antipsychotic, pharmacy hopping for meds dosed at pretty heavy schizo level, and taking shots of vodka trying to make it stop. I stopped all that the day they gave me a zan. I find that the pain has been humbling for me. I am fortunate in that it has been improving lately, but nothing is certain.

I switched from etizolam to alprazolam. Xanax is so much better for me to be taking. The effects are so much better and the side effects less. It doesn't cause so rapid a tolerance. I probably wouldn't even be annoyed if I didn't have weed. Etizolam is more subtle like a moderate dose of opiates in intensity kinda. I'm wayyyyy sedated for the same anxiety relief with xanax but that means that I get to drink more tea right and be calmer around that fucking fox at the mall. Etizolam is good for controlling panic attacks but I want a heavier downer. She is so into me haha I'm just a dumbass. I am going to be more upfront with her after the other day. I obviously really like her energy and want to get to know her cause if her energy is that cheerful and chill and somehow dark she must have created something cool. She's really cute (and hot... like the kinda attractive I personally really think is sexy) and likes to make fun of herself when she talk about herself. I feel like she might have some trauma or something I can see it in her eyes, she has such a damn chill presence and her eyes are all wirey, pupils enlarged. I prefer that to women who like talking about their ex boyfriends. That other girl was driving me crazy, I know that's a bad sign now. This girl makes me feel calm and relaxed and just warm and happy to see her and like stress free too. I burn the love letters and move on.

Yeah though etizolam causes skin lesion and involuntary eye twitches so it is in the benefit of my health to do this too and I no longer feel like my doses are extremely dangerous or anything. They don't have too much of a cross tolerance really.

Good sign painful one that when I was leaving the store and passed her by and asked for her name she got all flustered and like shy kinda? It's not like I startled her. She told me in like 3 broken sentences lol ("we already know each other but it's nice to know your name") but was really nice. So damn cute. I am like that too though I'd do the exact same thing and then feel awkward and feel like a dumbass. But it's cool cause we both like making fun of ourselves. I don't know how I know this already, but the moments we have had been special. Time is irrelevant.

Gotta start leaving my bottle of xanax bars by my bedstand so I can take them before getting up to take a bong toke. Had 3 of them before doing anything more than smoking three bong tokes and brushing my teeth this morning. At least I made oats with maple syrup and had some ice water. I need to figure out fast what to do about work. i have a job interview tonight that would be a lifesaver. I better not knock myself out with too many zans before then I'm not used to them haha.

I wrote a sick freestyle rap this morning too my creativity is finally coming back! i want to play guitar again FINALLY.
 
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Yes. I am a very humbled woman. This chronic pain thing/ injury has been so hard. I was very mad about it for a few years.
It is very hard to adjust to this disability. There is much that I cannot do anymore. But ...through all this, it caused me to really have to trust in a higher power and I have learned much. I actually feel like I am a better human being now. More understanding, compassionate, wise, loving. I have had to let go and it actually feels better in a lot of ways.

I am still trying to figure out how to live with these limitations. Sometimes I drown in it for awhile but I always rise stronger.

I find I prefer people whom have had some trauma and pain. They are not shallow. They have had to dig deep and that impresses me.
I know how hard that is. Finding a sense of humor and laughing at yourself is the best way to go. I also like people like that.

You must have someone who makes you feel comfortable and warm. Stressed is just not going to work for us.

Yes, good sign about how she acted when you asked for her name. I like your idea of being more open too. You know, lots of people have the exact same or very similar challenges as we have had. Being open and honest about it is the only way to go. We need understanding, support, and help through the tough times. We are rock stars when feeling good but there are times we need comfort.

Good to hear that you have been able to switch over to the Xanax. Keep that as low a dose as possible.
Good luck with the job interview!
 
I was out of my mind at first, I lost so much muscle mass I was going crazy as a gym rat. And the pain back then was debilitating. There was a huge ego thing at first. That is completely gone now I am wholly accepting of it.

I feel like I had to go through this to! I am a better person now. Even if I OD or some shit at least I figured out how to not be so selfish by nearly destroying myself. Shitty that's what it took.

I tend to take a lot of xanax sometimes, like today. For the interview, I am nervous. I am drinking a lot of black tea, and popped 7 bars. Fuck. Whatever, it's an unconventional type sounding interview where they just want to meet me and see if I am a natural leader (I am). I showered and dressed nicely and all that. Burgundy true religion jeans and a skater longsleeve from when I was a teenager that is striped with different shades of light blue and grey and black, and a blond scarf, and burgundy gloves with the tips cut off. Matted blond hair def not shiny I don't like that, parted slightly off center looks like black stitching the roots. I will use rose oil too before I go and attempt to intoxicate these people through some sort of contact high or like the imperius curse in harry potter the mind controlling one. lol. I need to hustle and manipulate that is for sure but be myself too. That should be easy lol! I think first impressions are important. This job would be life changing so it is stressful. Taking some extra xanax is fine I am tolerant and it will mellow me out so I don't appear high strung. Or it's just an excuse to get fucked up because I'm nervous.

Thanks for the luck I was shit out of it.
 
One month Shroomi, that?s really awesome. I?m still at around 150 mg oxy/day. Tapering like this sucks because I?m taking the pills, wishing for pain relief, but getting nothing but relief from withdrawls. The pain in my back and gut from surgery is always there, and the pills I am taking do absolutely nothing to help it. My tolerance is so high. Maybe in two weeks I?ll ve down to where the pills are working again. But right now just seems like an eternity.
I know my problem right now is my high tolerance.
 
Yeah man I have 5 weeks on Monday. I went to a leadership event today and talked to people from across a company. It was okay. I was extremely anxious and I felt like I was on another planet compared to these "normal" people. I do have excellent experience but I don't know like I was nervous a bit. They said I seemed confident. It's probably all in my head but I don't think I will get hired there it's just a good start to begin communicating with other humans like that. No idea what they thought of me.

Man there's just no fucking solution. Yeah I'm closer to 5 weeks than 4, but my back hurts like hell a lot. I'm not accomplishing anything that was my first real interview. I feel like I am in a constant struggle and I'm often miserable unless I'm chain toking pot.

Just discouraging how normal people have jobs I guess. I have all this education and do fuck all. Total waste of potential, I am entirely directionless. I don't even care though like just getting that job today would give me a fun place in society and would be a big step forward. The longer I go disconnected, the more I don't feel human anymore and wish I'd turn to dust. I need to get baked I'm depressed after that. I stayed for 3 hours though and like only 10 people stopped by, I talked to every one of the leaders so somebody maybe noticed that I had initiative even if I was panicking half the time even with the xanax. I fuckign despise job interviews of any kind and suck at them. I think I'm dumb, as my education could be earning me 100k a year easily if I weren't a fucking dumbass piece of shit. Instead, I make less than your typical high school kid - $0 a year other than fuckin hustling. I fuckin hate myself and how I'm almost at 5 weeks, not including the two I was nodding for before that, and how it is going to be two nearly completely wasted months. I got fit again with yoga, but what the fuck does that do for my bank account. I need money for drugs other than opiates and well, to fucking live a life.
 
One step at a time, man... you're freaking yourself out by taking in too much at once. You're over a month clean, that's great, it's what you've accomplished most recently and you should be proud of that. Next step is to start figuring out other aspects of your life. Your thoughts become your reality so calling yourself a dumbass piece of shit is about the worst thing you can do. You are not, you're just coming out of troubles and still have troubles, that's normal. My girlfriend is always so mean to herself, she has a self-defeating narrative in her head and it hurts me so much to see. And it's all lies, too... "It probably won't work out", "they won't want me anyway", "I'm a loser who is never going to make it", etc. Yeah, if that's how you think about yourself and the future, then maybe things won't get better, but it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Try replacing those thoughts when you notice you're having them... instead of "I'm a dumbass piece of shit", say to yourself "I've done a great job staying off opiates and I deserve to feel happy". it sounds dumb and will probably feel dumb at first but over time you can change your internal narrative which will really help you. It's about being very intentional with the process and trying to keep conscious oversight of your thoughts. It takes work but I've really improved some aspects of my thought process a lot in the past few years by doing this.
 
Shroomy; some advice about the hot topic girl.. Next time you are there chatting her up just say : I really enjoy talking with you , do you want to grab a coffee or something after work or just ask for her number . Dont over complicate it . And great job staying off the oxy :)

Squeaky; glad to hear your operation went ok! Don?t worry about tapering your meds until you can find the correct dose for your pain , you legitimately need pain control after a operation. Dont be so hard on yourself.

I may not share a lot or post on here much but it helps me tremendously to know Im not alone in the struggle. Thanks everyone for sharing their struggles, triumphs and advice !
 
PainfulOne- Pain is humbling isn?t it? I lost so much of myself since this whole mess started 4 years ago. I WAS a big strong man. Now I?m a wimp. I?ve lost more than 40 lbs, mostly muscle. There was very little I couldn?t do. Things like car repairs, plumbing, etc. Now I can barely lift some of the tools in my garage. I used to be one of the strongest people I knew. Now I have to let projects go undone or ask for lots of help. I can?t be as independent as I enjoyed being before and I hate it. It?s really difficult. I don?t feel like a man much anymore. I am lucky to have a wife and son who still see me as a man.
My advice to anyone..... take good care of your spouse right now because someday they might be taking care of you.
 
Everyone seems to be able to lend others such great advice and support, yet we shit on Ourselves!

Why is THAT? The Pathological Critic syndrome I guess .

We're all Doing the best we can with what we've got right now.
If you sense you could be doing Better for yourself, then take that small step towards Doing a little better. Take a few less pills, get out and talk to others, call up a friend or family member who could use a cheerleader n just listen to His troubles for awhile.

Take a little step; that will lead to more steps larger steps and eventually to strides.
Please try not to dwell on " what I used to have/ what I used to be/ what my abilities were....."
The past has passed and ya deal with Now.

Hey Shroomy , Xorkoth hit the nail. Positive self talk can go a long way, Believe me! If you feel silly just make it silly. Remember when I told you my black kitten used to engage in "self talk while toileting "? You giggled at the concept.

Guess what? I doooooooo engage in self talk while toileting! Hey it's the only time some of us get to be 100% alone; you don't have to do it out loud; it's more of a Thought Process. I call it "Retrain the Brain".

Look at it this way. You're in the rest room a few times a day right? That'll remind you; tell yourself some positive things while you're in there (you dont HAVE TO carry your phone into the John like every One else does! )

Take those few min while showering or shaving or otherwise , and tell yourself some TRUTH : you ain't shooting or snorting H today! You are attractive and interesting to ladies, to prospective employers, you're well-read, compassionate, you have a shit ton of great things to offer this world!
there's a few examples of Shroomy -truths


Make it a habit n tell yourself these things. Also take notice of when the self-defeating thoughts pop up and shut those Fuckers down! Those are not Truths! They are Doubts and fears and anxieties. Fuck them !

It becomes habit after while just like any behaviors -- reinforce the positive and shut down the negative. You are the one with the power to do so.

And STOPPPPPP looking back!
Look at now; hope a little, plan a little into the future but not far enuf to overwhelm yourself.

Here's another self talk while toileting positive Shroomy-truth for you : We all adore you and look forward to your posts; we root you on, from all corners of the world; we care and we KNOW your potential. Not one crumb of its wasted so please don't feel that way. You are alive; you are learning; you are Improving day by day..... and that little brother you speak of looks up to you and loves you: Be the guy he Deserves to have as a big bro---- grab all those truths and use them in your head day by day to get your confidence up. You surely dont need 2c & over use of xanax to be a cool smart attractive engaging young man! You just need Confidence. And that will come from Owning your truths.


Now go play that guitar and limber up your fingers : I think you'll be getting into it seriously again. You are an excellent freestyle / improv guitarist! Everyone's been VERY impressed.
Don't let the negativity kick your ass. You kick its ass! !!!!!!!!!
 
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