not this one 8( painful one this one 8) it is more of a cute blush imo. I am paralyzed by anxiety today and I don't really want to take etizolam for it as much now that I am past acute wd's so I can go back to normal dosing with that but that's why this is so long I am typing it in like 2 min my anxiety is so bad.
I don't think I could afford this habit if I were a millionaire.
That does really suck about the morphine and narcotics have a certain proclivity for leading to conflict in relationships at least in my experience; both of mine were very much affected. I was the sole user of opiates and addict both times. It has impacted my family too; that is less in plain sight as they don't even really know I use after all this. This is one thing that keeps me away the relationship thing... I don't even have a sex drive when I'm using. Pretty stupid thing to give up for a hit at my age lol I am going about life the wrong way.
Nutrition and hydration are so important because they help you have the energy to do things. And the most important thing is to develop a structured life again, at least in my case, if you've lost yourself. If you are trying to hold the foundations of your well established life together, well, I am glad not to be in that position as I don't have the self control to taper. I even rail buprenorphine and get high off it. Sleep is really important for recovery too and I was missing that last time. Hot yoga is helping me both keep my diet, and my sleep patterns in check now and all the sweating can only help detox. I am going to get really fit again, pretty psyched about that.
Stressor for me presently is money I am pressured to get back into my career but I still feel like I'm recovering. I don't know if I should find a chill job in the meantime or what like I really should. I have one it's just unreliable hours at best so I need a second. In short I am very confused and don't have all the time in the world like last year. A relapse at this point is out of the question and not even on the table. I'm so damn stressed about many other things none of which opiates will help but rather hurt.
All the damage I have done to myself... wtf was I thinking... it's been going on loooooong before the opiates and benzos the chronic pain and the panic attacks and all that came out in my 20's.
This song is how I feel today if we are going to be posting songs. It's super chill apart from the high pitched lil scream at the beginning lol. Lil Peep would def do something silly like that but the song is lovely. So chill; yoga music for sure. Everything he does is so different... he is the depressed dude singing obvi. Something I could do yoga to if I was still practicing, and not recovering from my classes, at home. This dude died of opiates and benzos overdose late last year and was 21 so it is suitable for this to post. Hopefully non offensive, he was real nice but had problems with opiates and xanax's and cocaine too. Knew he was gonna die in advance and sometimes didn't care and had voiced this loud and clear with nonchalance.
Anyways I just was having a panic attack I took a large bong toke of some indica and listened to this song a few times I feel relaxed now.
I am becoming a girly boy haha. I like to part my dyed hair now that the black roots are coming in. Actually come to think of it, in that pic \/ that is how I have been doing mine too. Mine is a pink colour that worked out great, actually that dude is only dude I know who did his pink in a whole variety of ways and blends. We have very similar fashion sense. I wouldn't really say that about anyone else I know. Like... our hair is exactly the same as in that pic him then me now. I style it the same, roots are kept around same same length and are that length presently, he had the same colour as myself at one point and I will have that colour later this year. Okay okay I'm not bisexual lol def not but he is and I relate to him very much. No way am I that skinny though. I am going to get my gender identity mixed up all too easy these days. next I am doing a split of sorts, or just bleaching it while I get a better job, but I have so many ideas for colour mixes and different lengths in different places and all these things. Love dying my hair, and the way I think about what to do next with it is like a little engineering problem for me. There is a lot I could do with my black roots.
Could blend another colour in, do a colour split on each side of my hairline, or bleach it which would probably be sick as it's faded now. Never thought I'd be having so much fun triple bleaching my hair lol. Getting good with the blow dryer and styling it haha. I am actually really into fashion stuff like that is more where my spending money would go without drugs and if I had more. Cause what I mentioned above is like a creative project for me and what I recently done has been really fun lots of commentary lol. It is therapeutic in a way and keeps my appearance transient from month to month, day to day. That's kinda what I like to do. I have trouble communicating, so I express who I am externally in different ways like that and pay a lot of attention but don't really care what others think although for a straight creative dude I think I'm pretty good lol. I know that much... I am killer with tattoos and piercings I choose and just how I dress and present myself I'm good at that. Mix designer shit with random 10 year old skater shit. Dunno. Just do my own thing. I am rambling now I'm all stoned and it's because I am about to shower and get dressed and style my hair LOL. Burgundy denim will do. Oh, and definitely with my new denim long sleeve button down with the roses stithced onto the side. Woah, I didn't realize those would match but they are sick together! And with the hairstyle I will do and I have to decide whether to shave or not (I'm going to) I am just such a girly boy now lol. That is going to look great though.
See one thing I am doing is putting an effort into my appearance so I look put together and not strung out... makes me feel good and I like to be creative and pair different things and experiment.
Kinda makes ya realize how many young people are dying too. I think statistically it is age range 25 - 35 and that makes more sense to me... when long term drug abuse catches up to ya. Anyways... the tone of this song has been how I've been feeling lately. Melancholic, seeing the beauty and potential in life though, subtle self destructive tendencies are still there. I need a good job and I am paralyzed by anxiety at the thought but I have to. It was hard enough before all this shit...
he's such an amazing guy and doesn't deserve this at all. I keep hoping he will rub off on me eventually and I can be that good too but it's been almost 15 years haha don't think it's working that way. Well anyways I'm gonna try to post here to update how it goes and one more way to keep myself in check. Good luck to everyone else trying too. If i ever get thru this I have to make it stick this time! No more chances! Life is too good for me to keep fucking it up this way.