Squeaky, I don't really appreciate being called scrambled by an old friend. Man, I know what I am. I hope your taper is going okay though and that it was just a one-day thing, don't get down about it or continue with those crazy high doses more than just for that one day (that's higher than what I ever take, with heroin or dilaudid or oxy or anything). But yeah man skip to the bottom 6 spaced out parts of this note and I have a nice little technique I picked up from a book that is really helping me. You should check it out man, I already know you keep some sort of log? Yeah dude we keep screwing up, but you are still here writing with the idea of quitting in mind and 60mg is a very low dose. At that point it's pretty much just legit pain management so... that's a dose I can't handle at this point in time. I need more like 80 - 100mg a day to be satisfied, but I can still feel 3 percocets pretty well or a few 10mg ER oxy's. Just don't keep that heavy daily dose up for long or your tolerance will skyrocket but of course you know that, you already know everything I will tell you. Just saying man... if only I could follow my own advice lol. But yeah man this technique (last 6 little "paragraphs" - I am an engineer not an english major haha so screw paragraphs and grammar etiquette) is really helping me keep track of my doses, and reasons for using. So if this technique can help me, it can probably help others too. It is mainly an awareness-based cognitive technique for becoming more conscious of your habit, as well as discovering and revealing the most common reasons why you choose to dose, and I really needed that.
I wasn't offended though, I understand why you'd think that. There is a lot going on in my personal life though other than drugs, and when shit goes down is often when I come here to write. The beginning of the year was so full of relationship problems that I had zero chance of success... I took that vacation, sort of cleaned up a little, cleared away some cobwebs, and I am in a much better position to be successful now with dropping my dose a bit. I don't want to quit, as quitting would leave me in physical agony chronically, but I'd like to be taking like 60mg oxy a day. Maybe getting high on stuff like stimulants instead on occasion, if I feel the need to get high (which I will, it is a part of me), and leave my pain management alone, no longer seeing these pills as a means to getting high. That would at least be a start as they are more addictive than anything I have ever used, and they have become too expensive with tolerance and my doctor pretty much abandoning me due to hysteria, to be a sustainable treatment for pain. I will still be in some pain at the lower dose, but that is life. I don't know what the fuck I did to deserve this but it doesn't matter, here I am experiencing pain chronically and having developed an addiction on top of it as a result.
It's not always about the drugs in my case, and if you're taking that much oxy there isn't much difference to using a little high quality heroin. I was in hysterics for a while due to my vacation and forcing myself to leave the country. It was great for me in the end, because I feel more free spirited now. It's not such a big deal to leave my place, and for a while it was. I was here for so long that it felt odd being anywhere else, I was developing agoraphobia (well, a fear of and aversion to leaving my place to do anything) and the trip broke that completely. I was also hysteric during the trip and taking a lot of benzos (worst thing for me) but at the end of the day, there were some happy moments and that is what I remember. I'm glad that I forced myself to do that, even if it wasn't a great time and stressed me out unbearably at times.
I'm keeping track of my use and for me it will have to be a very slow taper, as last year when I tried to do it abruptly, I freaked out. I was having panic attacks so bad that I would take 20mg xanax and barely feel it, which was when I decided to start using opiates again. Now that was actually scrambling my brains. The legal drugs fucked my head up worse than the illegal ones. I have learned to never trust a doctor, and I will never trust them with anything that involves medication ever again. Even baclofen, a common and not really abusable muscle relaxer was frying my head and I was getting withdrawals from that too.
So I try not to use comfort meds at all anymore. I stick to my regular benzos dose. Also, my diet has never been cleaner. Finally, after years of refining my diet, I am now a vegetarian (I might make an exception, and eat oysters for their aphrodisiac properties, or something, but for the vast majority of my life I never eat any meat at all with the very rare exception). I didn't plan for that to happen, it wasn't a moral or ethical thing at first (more about having a healthy diet to look and feel good) - but after continually refining my diet over years, I realized that I did not need to be eating meat at all. It became unnecessary. I also take a lot of different vitamins and herbal supplements so along with daily yoga practice my health is superb in that sense, and I just keep that up if I am withdrawing and everything I eat and supplement helps.
What I do right now is whenever I take a dose, keep note of it in a log, and give a reason for why I took the dose (examples such as avoiding withdrawal, back pain or wherever your chronic pain is, treating a BPD related emotional outburst, depressed mood, wanting increased focus and energy, coming down off some other drug, etc...) - this is a technique that I took from Crowley's Diary of a Drug Fiend (a highly recommended read) and I think it's great for increasing awareness of your usage patterns and why you are using.
This is very helpful. For example... my most recent entry: Time - 12:00am, Dose - 10mg H, bump of snow, Reason - strenuous day left me with severe back pain, staying up late to work on my resume and submit job applications, withdrawal coming on
The idea is I don't want to see high doses like 50mg oxy. I don't want to see reasons that don't make sense, I don't want to see high daily doses over 100mg, and I also want to analyze the reasons that repeat themselves most frequently very closely as I carry on with this. The act of recording causes one to pay close attention to their use, which will hopefully add an incentive for self control and dose reduction. That's just one tip or idea I'd give to someone going through this. It helps to analyze the habit on paper. Things can easily escalate and I am trying to keep it to 80mg a day at the moment, of oxy or H (either is fine really, and I find them very close to equipotent) - as that daily amount should more than suffice for my back pain and withdrawal maintenance.
I'm pretty sure I'd look back at this in the future, and understand where I'm coming from. I wouldn't re-read this thread because last year did not go so well for me and I will not be making any such similar attempts at reducing in the future. Earlier this year, I was in hysterics for personal reasons and had the worst possible start to the new year that I ever could have had. I have new ideas in mind, and I am happy that I feel well enough to be getting back to my career. That makes me really happy, and I'll be much less lonely of a man when employment starts, with a concomitant social life. As I'll be moving to a city to work, where several very good friends of mine live and work. It would be far easier for me to find romance there, and I'd be well on my way to a happier existence. I'm hoping this will happen soon, and I am putting in the required effort.
That book is amazing by the way (Diary of a Drug Fiend). It is not just a book about getting high, although H and C are prominent throughout the book. It's a romance about a couple who binges on them during their honeymoon, and then cleans up together with the help of an enlightened man on the subject. So it's an awesome read if anyone likes reading and is struggling with addictions... I also thought the romance in it was pretty cute, and there is also a lot of discourse related to the occult.
So I hope everyone is doing well, especially Squeaky this time. Hang in there man, I understand why you said that. Sounds like you just had a bad day as well with the high dose, obviously you don't take those quantities daily or you would be approaching Shroomy-fucked-up territory haha. And I know you are keeping it together pretty well by the sounds of it in comparison to myself. But I am not giving up either, just taking it one day at a time because I can't handle abrupt changes or abandonment (even drug abandonment) emotionally with one of my disorders. So I am doing what I can handle, while keeping healthy and still taking my life seriously. Some people might be able to handle a cold turkey withdrawal like pokemama... that takes a lot of strength and commitment. I sure as hell can't manage it, I'd never succeed and that's okay as other methods exist. We have to find our own ways and what works for us through experimenting. If something doesn't work the way I want it to, well I try something different.
Glad to hear back from you! Hmmm, worried that since Your tolerance has lowered, yet you've taken lots today. Will kick in all at once - don't want you to fall into coma or worse. That's how most OD, starting back up where they had left off in past. I care about you Shroomy.
