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The Suicide Support Thread

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modelskinny said:
Just don't know what I'm fighting for anymore. I don't value myself as a human being.
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That is what you are fighting for: a belief within that you are worthy. There is help out there. Boyfriends and mom's don't usually have either the skills or the distance to help with the issues that cause you to not value yourself. They will just tell you all the reasons you should and we both know that doesn't do anything but bounce off when you are feeling this bad about yourself. Even if counseling did not help in the past--find someone that you trust and then be willing to keep going as deep as you need to to start to unravel why you do not value yourself. It's life's biggest challenge for all of us--it's universal.
 
modelskinny said:
Told both my mother and boyfriend I needed their help because I was at rock bottom with my depression and scared. My boyfriend's workload is apparently too heavy to come to me for at east a few days. And my mother just got hysterical and told me to fly home, not realizing that the main reason why I came to LA was because my birth-state had me beyond miserable.

Just don't know what I'm fighting for anymore. I don't value myself as a human being.
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I am here if you want to talk. You're a great person model!
 
Thank you herbivore, I never really thought about my mom and that me seeing my own self worth and finding my power inside is what she would want most, I think you're right.. I'm sorry to hear about your son, thank you for having the courage to share that with me.
 
subutex_junkie said:
Thank you herbivore, I never really thought about my mom and that me seeing my own self worth and finding my power inside is what she would want most, I think you're right.. I'm sorry to hear about your son, thank you for having the courage to share that with me.
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Finding peace within is what we're here to do. It can be challenging but very worth it.
 
So, I've been drinking constantly since I broke up with my boyfriend of two years earlier this week. At this point, the alcohol's not even helping that much, but I'm postponing the killer hangover that I have in the works. I've suffered from depression and generally self-destructive habits for years, but I've never felt as close to the edge as I do now. I was seriously counting out aspirin at 7 AM today and doing the math to see if it would do the trick. I don't know what to do, I really don't. I realize that I'm probably being melodramatic, and should just be an adult and get over it, but I've honestly never hurt this acutely for this long.
 
^ Getting over a break up doesn't have to do with how "adult" or not we are. Some relationships just consume all of us for years- we put so much into them and try so hard, only to have it just ripped away. It's never easy and I don't think it's something we will ever get used to. Do you mind if I ask what happened to the relationship?
 
^ Our relationship was open, but he continued to see this one girl after I become uncomfortable with their relationship. It was clear to me that he was developing feelings for the girl, so I told him is either me or her. He chose her, and moved out of my apartment to same day to move in with her.

I actually knew the other girl rather well, and after a chat with her, it turns out that he had never told her what the status of our relationship was - he said I was just a good friend and a roommate. He had the nerve to call me the next day after a fight broke out, and I somehow ended up talking him down from jumping in front of a bus. But I think they've since made up, because he seemed in much better spirits when I called him in a moment of weakness yesterday morning. The whole thing is ridiculous.

I'm really not doing well. I might have to call a hotline or something if this continues. To top it all off, I'm in college, and I've been neglecting class and schoolwork because I just don't really care enough to bother with it.
 
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The sensation that we are loved is an addictive one on a physiological level. The devastation we feel from moderate opiate withdrawal or from a break up is very comparable in terms of what it can do to your mind and soul. Physical symptoms even somewhat might line up, although opiate withdrawal in its extreme form is by far worse.

So I wanted to say that you're not being melodramatic, but that you can get through this.

I have been drinking on/off for a few weeks so I have no helpful advice for the drinking directly.

Just work on loving yourself again and just being able to have a brief smile from the small things. One day it'll happen and you will know you're going to make it. <3
 
Yeah, I haven't drank at all today, and I'll see if I can power through it. I've been drinking several liters of wine a day - which was a bad choice, 'cause this hangover is horrendous. I've had to be hospitalized for alcohol poisoning in the past, and I'm not sure my poor liver could handle it lol.

It didn't feel good that it ended up being an "I told you so" situation with my friends and family. They've been warning me since the summer that this relationship was unequal...it was always clear than I loved him more than he loved me, and I let myself become over-attached. He's sort of a deadbeat - he hasn't had a job since the summer, and once his unemployment checks stopped coming in, I was supporting him :/ And now he's doing the same with the lawyer chick he moved in with. Sigh.

It's also not helpful that I live alone, in a studio apartment, and the majority of my friends and family live thousands of miles away. Just feeling terribly, terribly alone.
 
^ That's a difficult situation for sure, I'm sorry. Try not to let others get to you too much. People are sure quick to jump in when they get to have their egos stroked (the I told you so situation)- they were not in your relationship and they are not you.

Being alone is always difficult, especially after a break up. You mention that you are in college, perhaps invite a friend over to study? Just little distractions like that can help. It may be the last thing you want to do, trust me, I know- but in the long run it will help. Maybe you could call up an old friend and chat about it with them too? I've found that some of my most meaningful conversations and advice I have received are courtesy of old friends/friends that live far away. They are not "in" the situation and most likely did not witness too much of your relationship first hand, yet they still know you and can console you.

::hugs:: <3
 
It's amazing you haven't drank all day. I am always here if you want to talk about what you're going through.

I am also a long way away from my family as well.
 
when i left my wife i was devastated i did it for the good of my son a breakup can hurt both parties
 
Sarcophagus.heels, I really feel for you, my last relationship was similar in the fact that the love was unequal and everybody told me, I just didn't want to believe it because I loved her. Now I've realized it was because having her around helped me love myself more but still, the pain of losing her was still very real. I too started drinking after the break up and went back my IV buprenorphine habit. Imo alcohol can certainly made my depression worse, especially drinking alone and even though it can help, I find myself feeling a lot more emotional after getting intoxicated. I'm happy to read that you hadn't drank all day in your post :D, I hope you are doing better today.
 
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^ Thanks for sharing - and I'm the same way, drinking makes it before for like a second, but then I just get super sensitive and impulsive.

I drank a bit again last night :/ It wasn't as much as I had been drinking before, but apart from the usual alcohol-induced weepiness, I also just felt guilty about it, and things didn't go well - lots of dark thoughts, and I self-harmed more than I have in over a year. It was made all the worse by how well I had done for the majority of the day - I actually dragged my ass to class, did some homework, and in general felt quite good. But for some reason when nightfall hit, I got punched in the face by my emotions again. I can't handle these mood swings.

I called my ex at 1:30 AM last night (why?? what could possibly be gained??), who didn't answer. Perhaps that's for the best. I can't imagine that would have gone well.
 
^ I am sorry to hear that.

I am doing well myself and have been focusing on finding peace within myself.

My inbox is full because I can't figure out how to delete messages with my mobile site ridden phone - but I am always here.
 
^ Thanks for the love guys, seriously. I mean, earlier today, I couldn't bring myself to go to class. I only left my apartment to buy tacos and, like, all the vodka. Not to be melodramatic, but I was on the fucking brink - I had gone back to researching what the lethal doses of the shit I had around was, because if it all finally became too much, I didn't want to half-ass it. Been there, done that. Not fun.

But I'm doing better. A lot better. Well, I still feel fucking terrible - I'm depressed and I've been having these troubling mini-anxiety attacks recently where I feel like I can't breathe. But oddly enough, while I was bullshitting on Cracked.com, trying to distract myself somehow, I stumbled upon this article about little things that prevented suicides, and it totally brought home how thin that sliver is between wanting to die and deciding to push forward. My favorite was a story about a war veteran with severe PTSD who had a gun in his mouth when his recently adopted puppy licked him on the ear and cocked his head as if to say "what's up, man?" So the guy just started talking to his dog about his problems. And now he runs a program to hook up traumatized veterans with dogs. Haha, kind of a sappy story, but this oversentimental gal had a bit of a cry over it.

Anyway, it made me realize that I'm being ridiculous. I can't let my story end because some guy triggered my personal craziness. Hopefully I can maintain that clarity of mind for a while. I am, though, pretty amused that it took a random article on an infotainment website to snap me out of this spell. What is life.

I'm glad you're doing well, Captain! I hope you hold on to that peace. Hopefully I can find my own sometime soon.
 
I have no matter what. I am currently in some pain and I am not letting it keep me down.
 
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