If it makes anyone feel ANY better, I've been where you all are. Often. I'm there now, be honest. According to Mr. Boyfriend, I come across as a "pretty tough lady"-which I guess means everyone gets to pile their responsibilities/moods/crap on ME and I'm just supposed to shoulder it and not snap? Bullshit. I had a full on breakdown Tuesday night and had to stay home from work Wed & Thurs to recover.
Believe me, if I had a dollar for every time I wished I'd just go in my sleep, (and for Christ's sake I'm only 39) ... just so I wouldn't have to put my mom through anything (since she's my last remaining relative) ... I'd be rich as hell.
I thought about it again tonight. I am recovering from what I call a "critical crash". This (to me) means I am hanging by a THREAD of wanting to put a gun to my head or OD but as Dorothy Parker once said:
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
(I think there's an updated version of this from Girl Interrupted.)
I get very, very, very tired. Being unable to relax is, well, exhausting. If I close my eyes forever...then of course, when I do close my eyes, I hear my mom's voice in my mind, YOU WOULD DO THAT TO ME?? (Jewish mother, what can I say.) No, Ma, of course I can't do that to you.
I have NEVER gotten support from a suicide hotline. NEVER. They always made me feel like an asshole because they made me feel like my problems just weren't big enough to kill myself over. I HAVE gotten support from the Samaritans. They do listen, and they don't judge. You can email them - and even though they're in the UK, sometimes hanging on for 12 hours for that response is what gets you through another day.
As for me? I waffle between life and death all the time, meaning, I get so tired sometimes, I just want to literally lay down and sleep and just live in the world of my dreams. I'm the most hypersensitive person that ever lived and EVERYTHING hurts my feelings. I hate it. My lizard bit me. I cried. (go ahead, laugh, I did after I got over myself.) I hate living like this. It just sucks when you go along and go along and go along and then WHAM you're overwhelmed and everything is fucked up and you feel like you're trapped like a fucking rat with your back against the wall and you just want to squeeze your eyes shut and scream, "GO AWAY, GO AWAY OR GODDAMNIT ALL I'LL MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!"
You think, it's lonely where I am. Nobody cares.
We do. I care. Even in the midst of my OWN feelings of not giving a shit about my OWN life (after all, all my family but my mom is dead, and I saw how life went on, which would be, if I could find a PAINLESS way to do it, my way out, but I am far too chickenshit to do anything PAINFUL and what if I REALLY DID DIE? That's scary as shit.)
I don't know any of you from adam but God knows I can relate in some small way to the pain that you all feel. The loneliness. The "who gives a fuck if I live or die"? The "my life is shit so what does it matter?" Been there, done that. Still there, still doing that. Reminds me of that old Far Side cartoon - there's this guy who finds this ridiculous looking thing in the cushions of his couch...and the caption is "Gary finds his purpose." Get it?
We're all in this together. We can all support one another. The goddamn xanax is finally kicking in so I'm calm now and can think clearly and am not ready to jam a .38 down my throat because I'm tired of...well, feeling. (Oh, those feelings, those rotten bastards. I don't like them sometimes.).
This may sound new-agey, but fuck it, I don't care, some of you might need to hear it - take it for what it's worth;
You, reading this, you, ALL of you on this thread, matter, I love you as my fellow human beings, I don't give a flying banana how fucked up your life is, it's OK, we'll get through it. Together. I won't off myself if you don't. Deal?
Don't leave me, dammit! I need all the support I can get!
~Shogun
