Recovery The Recovery Thread (2022)

[Jabberwocky]

Yeh I feel you about not doing something because of negative health consequences, while is great it’s stopping you. You need to find another reason to not do it. I have a friend who’s liver is fucked and that’s the only thing keeping him sober really. And that will only last so long for him I’m afraid.

yeah exactly. i've still not b/ped since fucking myself over. my stomach is doing a fair bit better but i still don't want to risk it. i don't feel able to talk to a doctor about it because i'm currently having investigations about potential infertility and if i tell them i'm bulimic they might just blame that when i'm having other symptoms that i really think are contributing and need investigation.

sorry for the late reply. i had a massive mood dip on wednesday night. coming out of it slowly. think i needed to go through that to take stock of my personal circumstances and build an impetus for action.

would online meetings work for you while you're in small places? i don't personally find them useful but i know people who did.

the problem with naltrexone is that if you don't treat the psychological addiction then you can cross addict. i had a friend in NA who got one, cross addicted to speed while he had it, then when it wore off had a double habit. if you put in work in rehab then it could be useful to get you through the early days when you get out though. but it fundamentally has to come from you and your work.

 

[Jabberwocky]

i realised today, i could have died from bulimia. its very unlikely, but couldl have happened.

i was always aware when i was anorexic that i was in danger of death at any time cos of my behaviours, symptoms, and weight. but it genuinely never occurred to me for my behaviours now. then when i was out running this morning (where i get most of my insights), i put 2 and 2 together. i'd genuinely caused myself so much pain a few weeks back. i don't know what i damaged, but i did something bad and its still not 100% recovered. i'd thought cos i was doing harm reduction with b/ping, making sure to eat potassium containing foods, not flushing too much, and not doing ridiculously massive binges, that i was immune to damaging something other than my teeth, which are already fucked. bulimics usually die from electrolyte imbalance or stomach rupture and i was taking measures to avoid both of those.

but to have caused myself such intolerable pain for a sustained period, i must have hurt myself. i nearly had a panic attack when i realised.

i wish this could mean i'm certain that i'll never do it again. but its an addiction. all i can say is i have a few weeks under my belt and this has renewed my motivation.

 

[neversickanymore]

Just got oral surgery.. they shot a vike script to the pharmacy without even asking me.. god damn I haven’t even thought of opiates in a long time.. been off them for almost ten years.

The nurse was a sadist I think.. idk she was jacking me up and rubbing her junk on my hand.

Good job for statist.

Weird fucking experience.


I don’t need that script and I’m not picking it up.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I don’t need that script and I’m not picking it up.

sounds like a good decision. i dunno what surgery you had but i didn't get scripted anything but diazepam (i'd been so anxious i'd put it off for years) for botched surgery and subsequent revision and did ok with OTC stuff. hope you heal ok.

report the nurse. that's not on. its sexual assault.

 

[Sweet Jane78]

i realised today, i could have died from bulimia. its very unlikely, but couldl have happened.

i was always aware when i was anorexic that i was in danger of death at any time cos of my behaviours, symptoms, and weight. but it genuinely never occurred to me for my behaviours now. then when i was out running this morning (where i get most of my insights), i put 2 and 2 together. i'd genuinely caused myself so much pain a few weeks back. i don't know what i damaged, but i did something bad and its still not 100% recovered. i'd thought cos i was doing harm reduction with b/ping, making sure to eat potassium containing foods, not flushing too much, and not doing ridiculously massive binges, that i was immune to damaging something other than my teeth, which are already fucked. bulimics usually die from electrolyte imbalance or stomach rupture and i was taking measures to avoid both of those.

but to have caused myself such intolerable pain for a sustained period, i must have hurt myself. i nearly had a panic attack when i realised.

i wish this could mean i'm certain that i'll never do it again. but its an addiction. all i can say is i have a few weeks under my belt and this has renewed my motivation.

I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this. Eating disorders seem like they could almost be even harder to fight than quitting substances. Way to go with abstaining for a few weeks! That’s great! Hold on to that motivation. One day at a time. Hugs

 

[Jabberwocky]

I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this. Eating disorders seem like they could almost be even harder to fight than quitting substances. Way to go with abstaining for a few weeks! That’s great! Hold on to that motivation. One day at a time. Hugs

thank you. people who know, know. its so difficult for most to understand.

i purged over the weekend. just once and not completely, cos when you get down to the acid and bile it really stinks out the bathroom and i was sharing one with my mum in a hotel. somehow being with my mum makes it much harder not to purge.

now i'm back home i hope that can be just a blip. i really need to work towards not see-sawing between bulimia and drinking. the nice thing is that cos i managed a few weeks without, i think that means i no longer meet the clinical criteria for bulimia. i don't know why that classification fucked with my head but it did, so if i can keep up just being EDNOS/OFSED somehow i find that easier.

i think they are harder cos we have to face our demons every day. we can't avoid food in the way we avoid drugs.

 

[Sweet Jane78]

I woke up today with a sense of renewed hope for a future free from meth. It’s brought me down for so long. I’m tired. I’m really going to do the best I can to shake it for good. I’m going to keep reading for inspiration, get my mind and body healthy, listen to podcasts, explore various recovery programs, connect with other people on the same path in my city. I want so badly to love myself the way I know I deserve.
We all deserve love, so I’m spreading some out to all of you fine folks.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I want so badly to love myself the way I know I deserve.

to me, this is the absolute crux of recovery. you can do this, i'm sure. it sounds like you have plenty of activities to help you understand and improve your relationship with yourself.

 

[Sweet Jane78]

thank you. people who know, know. its so difficult for most to understand.

i purged over the weekend. just once and not completely, cos when you get down to the acid and bile it really stinks out the bathroom and i was sharing one with my mum in a hotel. somehow being with my mum makes it much harder not to purge.

now i'm back home i hope that can be just a blip. i really need to work towards not see-sawing between bulimia and drinking. the nice thing is that cos i managed a few weeks without, i think that means i no longer meet the clinical criteria for bulimia. i don't know why that classification fucked with my head but it did, so if i can keep up just being EDNOS/OFSED somehow i find that easier.

i think they are harder cos we have to face our demons every day. we can't avoid food in the way we avoid drugs.

You’re making progress. That’s what matters. I can see how not having that label weighing on you makes it easier. Whatever helps, helps.

 

[Blankenstein]

thank you. people who know, know. its so difficult for most to understand.

i purged over the weekend. just once and not completely, cos when you get down to the acid and bile it really stinks out the bathroom and i was sharing one with my mum in a hotel. somehow being with my mum makes it much harder not to purge.

now i'm back home i hope that can be just a blip. i really need to work towards not see-sawing between bulimia and drinking. the nice thing is that cos i managed a few weeks without, i think that means i no longer meet the clinical criteria for bulimia. i don't know why that classification fucked with my head but it did, so if i can keep up just being EDNOS/OFSED somehow i find that easier.

i think they are harder cos we have to face our demons every day. we can't avoid food in the way we avoid drugs.

That sucks… sorry to hear you’re struggling. I don’t have a great deal of knowledge of eating disorders so cant really chime in with any useful info. Other to say I’m thinking of you and hope you are ok.

Have you been running at all lately and keeping active?

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

I woke up today with a sense of renewed hope for a future free from meth. It’s brought me down for so long. I’m tired. I’m really going to do the best I can to shake it for good. I’m going to keep reading for inspiration, get my mind and body healthy, listen to podcasts, explore various recovery programs, connect with other people on the same path in my city. I want so badly to love myself the way I know I deserve.
We all deserve love, so I’m spreading some out to all of you fine folks.

Meth can really eat away at what we know is important to us. Glad you're gaining back the mental clarity. We're grateful for a sharp mind!

 

[Jabberwocky]

That sucks… sorry to hear you’re struggling. I don’t have a great deal of knowledge of eating disorders so cant really chime in with any useful info. Other to say I’m thinking of you and hope you are ok.

Have you been running at all lately and keeping active?

i've not run the past 3 days but in general, yes.

i went hiking at the weekend.

last night i had a massive b/p session while my boyfriend was out.

i've spent most of today in tears. i have a collection of stresses that i can cope with individually but as a totality is wearing me down.

 

[Blankenstein]

I’m still stuck in the same rut. Miserable at work and taking a concoction of Valium, oxazepam, tramadol and palexia. And using smack non stop in Perth.

i've not run the past 3 days but in general, yes.

i went hiking at the weekend.

last night i had a massive b/p session while my boyfriend was out.

i've spent most of today in tears. i have a collection of stresses that i can cope with individually but as a totality is wearing me down.

Oh man… super sorry to hear that. Do you think you need professional help? Are you getting it already? I can’t remember sorry. I’m routing for you though, you can beat the yoyo-ing of addictions/destructive behaviours. It’s great you’re still being active. I surfed when I was back home for the first time in a year and it just felt sooo good and peaceful.



I can tell you my latest tales of woe to cheer you up if you wish…

Still trying all Avenues. One place reckons they want to stabilise me on Valium before admitting me. I told them I respect you opinion, but I’m not physically dependent on them. I want to go stay on my cousins farm to detox of benzos then when they piss test me I can prob I’m not dependent on them. They reckon they don’t like detoxing off benzos. And they want me on suboxone which I don’t want to do. I want off everything.

Rehabs/detoxes are a joke here if you IV you get turned back, if you are on benzos it’s creates issues. So over have watched the last 20 years go by and have nothing (not necessarily monetary or material things) to show for it other than lost trust from friends and family.

Spoke to another place which has a 3/4 week wait which is doable. And they accept any junky. My mates been there a couple of times and reckons a fair bit of using goes on in there. So I would prefer to do the detox at the government run place where they take your phone for the duration and don’t allow visitors. If I do that they will help me into a 3 month place.

If I can get a couple months clean I’m thinking of the naltrexone Implant. Anyone had any experience? Over hear me mixed reviews. Some say it was a god send, others looped out hard and ended up getting it cut out.

So I’m still trying to get in somewhere. If I keep trying I know I will succeed and be able to move on with the next chapter of my life. It has to be done i hate letting my family down constantly and they not knowing if I’m dead or alive.

 

[Blankenstein]

I’m still stuck in the same rut. Miserable at work and taking a concoction of Valium, oxazepam, tramadol and palexia. And using smack non stop in Perth.

i've not run the past 3 days but in general, yes.

Oh man… super sorry to hear that. Do you think you need professional help? Are you getting it already? I can’t remember sorry. I’m routing for you though, you can beat the yoyo-ing of addictions/destructive behaviours. It’s great you’re still being active. I surfed when I was back home for the first time in a year and it just felt sooo good and peaceful.



I can tell you my latest tales of woe to cheer you up if you wish…

Still trying all Avenues. One place reckons they want to stabilise me on Valium before admitting me. I told them I respect you opinion, but I’m not physically dependent on them. I want to go stay on my cousins farm to detox of benzos then when they piss test me I can prob I’m not dependent on them. They reckon they don’t like detoxing off benzos. And they want me on suboxone which I don’t want to do. I want off everything.

Rehabs/detoxes are a joke here if you IV you get turned back, if you are on benzos it’s creates issues. So over have watched the last 20 years go by and have nothing (not necessarily monetary or material things) to show for it other than lost trust from friends and family.

Spoke to another place which has a 3/4 week wait which is doable. And they accept any junky. My mates been there a couple of times and reckons a fair bit of using goes on in there. So I would prefer to do the detox at the government run place where they take your phone for the duration and don’t allow visitors. If I do that they will help me into a 3 month place.

If I can get a couple months clean I’m thinking of the naltrexone Implant. Anyone had any experience? Over hear me mixed reviews. Some say it was a god send, others looped out hard and ended up getting it cut out.

So I’m still trying to get in somewhere. If I keep trying I know I will succeed and be able to move on with the next chapter of my life. It has to be done i hate letting my family down constantly and they not knowing if I’m dead or alive.

 

[Blankenstein]

I had a bit of a fuck up home. I was trying not use heroin so got some lyrica for a day and the follow day I was still incoherent and my mum wanted to call and ambulance on me. I convinced her I was fine. Then hat night I was upstairs shooting smack and had every hidden and she walks up and sees my narcan so I just told her the truth I used some heroin. Just hate my self for doing it to my family…

 

[Blankenstein]

Ah

I had a bit of a fuck up home. I was trying not use heroin so got some lyrica for a day and the follow day I was still incoherent and my mum wanted to call and ambulance on me. I convinced her I was fine. Then hat night I was upstairs shooting smack and had every hidden and she walks up and sees my narcan so I just told her the truth I used some heroin. Just hate my self for doing it to my family…

She was pretty justifiably upset, I think she feels hopeless. Though she can see im going to all sorts of meetings and appointments to try get a bed somewhere.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I’m still stuck in the same rut. Miserable at work and taking a concoction of Valium, oxazepam, tramadol and palexia. And using smack non stop in Perth.

fuck man. it really gets a hold of you.

well any drug can, but even years after my addiction and seeing the damage it caused, heroin has a special place in my heart.

Oh man… super sorry to hear that. Do you think you need professional help? Are you getting it already? I can’t remember sorry. I’m routing for you though, you can beat the yoyo-ing of addictions/destructive behaviours. It’s great you’re still being active. I surfed when I was back home for the first time in a year and it just felt sooo good and peaceful.

i'm so glad you surfed!! getting outside and into nature is amazing. even when i'm tired and dragging myself it improves my mental health, i'm sure its the same for you.

i think i need professional help. i'm trying to work out how to get it right now. going to contact my therapist and a charity that helped me previously for very specific issues. they won't get it until monday morning but i'm finding even writing about how i'm feeling theraputic.

I can tell you my latest tales of woe to cheer you up if you wish…

Still trying all Avenues. One place reckons they want to stabilise me on Valium before admitting me. I told them I respect you opinion, but I’m not physically dependent on them. I want to go stay on my cousins farm to detox of benzos then when they piss test me I can prob I’m not dependent on them. They reckon they don’t like detoxing off benzos. And they want me on suboxone which I don’t want to do. I want off everything.

why don't you want suboxone? is it the daily pickups etc? is there any way you can arrange it so it could fit with your job? cos to me it seems stabilising on an opiate first might soften the landing.

Rehabs/detoxes are a joke here if you IV you get turned back, if you are on benzos it’s creates issues. So over have watched the last 20 years go by and have nothing (not necessarily monetary or material things) to show for it other than lost trust from friends and family.

that's ridiculous.IV use and benzos are a hallmark of a destructive addiction.

i know how you feel about having nothing to show. though that's a slight lie for me cos i managed to complete my education while addicted to benzos. but when i got to rehab i had nothing but huge debts, everyone close to me i'd exploited the fuck out of and they knew, i'd lost my humanity and was like a caged, abused animal,

Spoke to another place which has a 3/4 week wait which is doable. And they accept any junky. My mates been there a couple of times and reckons a fair bit of using goes on in there. So I would prefer to do the detox at the government run place where they take your phone for the duration and don’t allow visitors. If I do that they will help me into a 3 month place.

def sounds like the government place would be better. you need a longer rehab, and one that doesn't allow using.

If I can get a couple months clean I’m thinking of the naltrexone Implant. Anyone had any experience? Over hear me mixed reviews. Some say it was a god send, others looped out hard and ended up getting it cut out.

there are people who've had implants. i don't have experience but have a friend who did and he had no therapy to complement it, so cross addicted onto stimulants then went back to heroin when it wore off so ended up with a double addiction. if you are doing the psychological work while you have the implant, i think its a good idea, and could be a better solution than suboxone. but you have to put the work in.

 

[Blankenstein]

uck man. it really gets a hold of you.

well any drug can, but even years after my addiction and seeing the damage it caused, heroin has a special place in my heart.

Yeh it really has ramped my addiction. I should have listened to everyone on here, but hey we all have to walk our own path…

'm so glad you surfed!! getting outside and into nature is amazing. even when i'm tired and dragging myself it improves my mental health, i'm sure its the same for you.

i think i need professional help. i'm trying to work out how to get it right now. going to contact my therapist and a charity that helped me previously for very specific issues. they won't get it until monday morning but i'm finding even writing about how i'm feeling theraputic.

Yeh the ocean and nature do wonders for mental health. I felt so great after getting in the water.


Yeh I figure if I can get into a detox then do a longer stay after and get the implant after being clean for a couple of months.

Yeh government place with no phones would be my preference and they help to place you into a long term rehab. Sort of facilitate the transition into an actually Rehab.

Thanks for you response as usual. Take care I really hope you get the Help you need to get over this.

 

[Blankenstein]

I get home tomorrow. I got drunk today at the pub in a small country town and passed out early woke up and took some benzos and tramadol to get back to sleep at about 11pm, but I’m just anxious about going home.

I really hope I make some headway with getting professional help this time. My mental health is totally shot.

Hope everyone is progressing with their recovery better than I am.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Yeh it really has ramped my addiction. I should have listened to everyone on here, but hey we all have to walk our own path…

i think its easy, when you've been addicted to other drugs for a long time so think you know the deal, to not realise how much of a level up that hard drugs are.

I get home tomorrow. I got drunk today at the pub in a small country town and passed out early woke up and took some benzos and tramadol to get back to sleep at about 11pm, but I’m just anxious about going home.

I really hope I make some headway with getting professional help this time. My mental health is totally shot.

how are you doing now you're home? have you managed to get to the ocean? any progress on getting detox/rehab sorted?

i'm doing a bit better. its very up and down. still finding it hard to leave the house. its so fucking dumb. urgh fuck cPTSD. and fuck fucking predators.

i realised my therapist is on holiday which is why i've not heard from her. the charity i contacted haven't written back, they've probably been hit as hard as every other charity due to covid. PLUS the massive increase in people needing the type of help they offer. so i'll wait, i hope they are able to answer my enquiry though, i'm not asking for more therapy from them as i don't think its fair to take from the other women who need it.