Been hurt n manipulated by ppl far too much that I find trusting people n being close to people difficult. The last person close to me was my ex n i found out such horrific things when 39 weeks pregnant. He's in jail for four years now but I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. Was made to separate, punished over him n while I was being punished (can't really explain on here) he was getting away with stuff, living his life, fucking other woman.
While we were together he was emotionally abusive, slept with a close friend n many other women, talked to women on the net for hours while I stupidly travelled 2 hours each weekend to be with him. Made me feel like an ugly cow while he could get anyone, tried getting me to perform sexual acts on the net for people to watch.
And if ever i disagreed with him he 'd cut contact with me for ages or threaten to end the Relationship.
I find it EXTREMELY difficult to cut people out my life but after my ex I make sure I'll NEVER be hurt like that again. Took me two years to get over him n to put my life together then something happened concerning him in 2012 which (along with slip disc) drove me to totally abuse codeine to escape it all n the intense feelings of anger i felt over it all.
Because of what he'd done i wasn't allowed to "feel." I had to sweep it all under the carpet n act like I was over it.
And this is me talking totally sober.
No way will i let anyone hurt me that way again as i literally felt like my insides had been torn open n fed back to Me. But the world kept turning n it just felt like pure grief for two years.
Evey
Wow, I was just about to write the synopsis of my horrid story, but you've summed up most of the feelings. MPA is my DOC, and I'd been using every day for about two years previously, but always a set amount over a day, more at the weekend for fun etc. At the end of last year I met my most recent ex, who convinced me to leave my previous ex, which I will never forgive myself because the previous ex is a good man, despite the fact that out relationship was sizzling out. I moved in with this guy in march, lost my job because the commute was silly (amongst other factors, but whatever) but I was not allowed to claim benefits, despite the fact that we'd furnished our dream home almost exclusively on my credit. When I finally DID claim, I got ESA cos I was too stressed to find a job, and he banned me from taking mpa and I had horrific fatigue, depression and loss of libido as you might expect. Similarly, he tried to get me to go on camgirl sites to try and earn a bit of extra money, and one day while he was at work i nervously set it up and did some striptease, nothing too shocking, I found it to be silly fun, especially when i'd managed to sneak-order the odd bag of mpa every few weeks or so. Somehow someone local saw me and emailed him and he went ballistic, calling me prostitute, slut, whore, anything to try and make me feel like shit even though it was HIS idea.
I became isolated from my friends and family having moved 20 miles away, and he often told me that my friends didn't love me anymore because otherwise they would message me and visit me etc. They tried, they really did, bless them, but every time my phone went off it'd be "who's that?" or angrier if it was one of my male friends. For context, I am bisexual so I am particularly infuriated by the fact that if I cheated with a female friend, he'd probably get off on it. He controlled all my finances, and when i got a job, i was still doing all the housework instead of sharing. Then he lost HIS job, and I still did all the housework. Then I lost mine, and it started spiralling from there. I've ebayed everything of any value, paid all his bills, cleaned out all his pets (17 reptiles of various kinds) that were all not kept under ideal conditions, then he'd use them as another weapon to beat me down with, saying i'd have to sell MY beardie, MY snakes, MY turtle to pay the bills. During the last two weeks of our relationship, I ate six weeks of venlafaxine, then spent a week in withdrawl from it before i went back to the docs to say i'd fucked up, and i also had a night where i was so determined to block everything out that i drank half a bottle of whisky, a bottle of wine, several 5mg diazys and had a bit of a psychotic break as i went into the kitchen and hacked up my arms and legs with a bread knife. He called the police, which technically was good but I'm fairly sure he told them I was threatening him with the knife when in fact i was lying on my back self harming and screaming at the top of my lungs surrounded by my own blood.The police were bloomin' lovely though and took me to hospital to get patched up and i was given the option of help with domestic abuse. It's not that bad yet, i told myself but kept the details anyway,
We split a month ago and I realised I was going to have to play by his rules if i was gonna ever get my stuff back. And when I initially left with a bag of stuff to take to mums i had to call the police as he was threatening me. On furniture removal day, i brought police with me but they couldn't stay long, and only started breaching the peace once they were well out of range. I needed to call them out again and obviously he put his straight face on so that I was to blame for wasting police time. The third time, he was obstructing access for the removals men by locking the door, which i stood against to keep open. At this point he assaulted me by grabbing the side of the door and ramming it into my back, but luckily I anticipated his move and pressed record on my cameraphone, then when it was done, called the police again who watched my video and nicked him on the spot, leaving me to escape with all my stuff but only two of my darling snakes, the rest of the animals have been sold on now which just destroys me.
He's been very clever to avoid breaching his bail terms (no contact including via third party) by taking advantage of one of our mutual friends and unfortunately i have no other option than to forward it all to the police as i can't live in fear any longer. So as one might expect, upon arriving back at my parents house, i buy a big bag of mpa, some etizolam and go bingeing. I think I've done
a gram and a half in the last 24 hours alone and it's ruining my day EVERY day now, i've been taking it for so long that i eyeball every dose, then add an extra 30% for good luck. i plan to buy one more bag and some gelcaos so that i can make tapered gelcaps for the next few weeks. The last three weeks or so have been such a massive weight on my mind, being craxy for most of ir
Ain't nobody got time for that> jeez
thus um, about it for now.
tl:dr - just left abusive relationship which triggered my mpa addiction. Gonna buy some gelcaps off ebay to make measured doses instead of monster lines and hopefully tsper that off too. Could totes do whtout it all really! )
and best of luck evey