I got down to 2mg and kind of started stabilizing on it. I could go through a day even with less than 2mg, and eventually I began getting some high off it. And it turned out bad as the high wears off quicker than general effects, so more and more often I would feel as if I were withdrawing mentally and then I can do little about it, because more buprenorphine doesn't calm me. Redosing gives me some relief, but I also get a feeling that I'm about to burst with buprenorphine. It's really making me tired, I'm far from being stable, and for 1.5 years it's been problems almost all the time. It's still dependency after all, I can actually feel the urge to take it, but its "quality" is less.
I end up thinking all day long what full agonist is the easiest to get for me now... And I'm thinking, why buprenorphine after all? What is it about? Partial agonism or actually long duration and slow dissociation from the receptors? Whose agenda is buprenorphine? It does make me abstain from the drug I was originally addicted to, but it's only because I know the drug doesn't work now, but mentally I'm all the time like "morphine, morphine, morphine". These cravings actually make me more mentally exhausted than some actual psychophysical withdrawal. Etorphine could be a better solution for more people, it would similarly block abuse, because even if one got high once, it would be impossible to repeat it, you would have to abstain from it until you feel really bad, because it slowly dissociates from the receptors in the same way buprenorphine does, but instead it's also a full agonist. Or not really would it work...
I don't really feel like relapsing, I've lost so much life, but neither methadone nor buprenorphine are a good solution.