Ok fellows, i know something along these lines has been asked somewhere in this forum. but as each situation is different i would like to ask ever so kindly for some input:
Here is my story:
I am a 23 year old man been an opiate user since a teen to mask the horrible depression that comes from growing up in an abusive child hood home (i know excuses excuses validating)
I had about a gram a day habit living in the inner city of really good quality H until a bitch called katrina entered my life and ruined everything. H prices skyrocketed as did my tolerence and i began doing much more drastic things and exhibiting wretched behaviors to obtain my DOC.
It was then i got onto the subutex maintenence program and was clean for a year and a half. Started going to college and about 20 hours in the ONLY doctor i could see in town(the only one registered for bup) suddenly got under some crackdown by the dea and starting cutting off bup patients(i was cut off from sub and relapsed). I was lost, this horrible thing happened during the last week of finals of the semester; and needless to say, i blew it. Combined with this tragedy my father lost his job and was unable to help fund what he saw was a futile investment in my education(even though on bup i maintained a 3.0) He just saw me as a junkie and a flunkie and that was the end of school.
Now i sit at home idly..i do excercize, found a great bup doctor who will also script me moderate doses of benzos to help with my panic disorder....
But somehow after all this "clean"(quotes indicative of bup still being a partial agonist/antagonist) time and and maintaining my sanity with the benzos...i feel like im having the biggest craving to feel that good old warm smack high(the sub boredom creeping in...even though i want to stay clean the craving just pulls at me...
Because i have strong willpower i have never experimented with trying to lower my dose and shoothrough it with h, im put in a predicament, and this my fellows; is it.
The girl im in love with9she is not a junky and has never been an enabler in the past) is coming in town and has one oc40 that me in my addict ways has gotten her to agree to bring it to me...its just the infatuation of having it, scraping the pill, preparing it, and feeling that euphoric rush.
Now i have been on bup now again with this new doctor for about 4 weeks, snorting no more that 4 mgs of bup a day and i have been slowly weening myself off preparing for the ability to possibly getting something out of this OC...my question is....to feel anything legit at all, without getting sick or uncomfortable inbetween(is this even possible)...ive been tapering down to about 2 mgs a day, basically chips off the 8mg pill...i want to be responsible abotu this as absurd as it may sound.
can anyone with similar experience tell me the best way to go about this and the best way to do it with the least discomfort? The Oc is coming the day after tomorrow and i am craving to do some bup now as my lowering of the dose is causing mild cramps and shit like that.
i know i sound like an idiot probably and this is my first post...but if there are any sympathizers out there can you give me any input?
peace!!