Pursuing Total Samadhi

[Foreigner]

I am the same, more or less. I can consume an extraordinary amount of LSD/shrooms/etc and be perfectly calm while other people are rolling around on the floor like lunatics.

5-meo-DMT (for me) is another level. I highly suggest you try it. You've got nothing to lose.

I can get very deep into the non-dual state with LSD or while sober, but 5-meo-DMT skyrockets me there and it takes me MUCH deeper.

It is an extremely useful tool.

I would trade every drug I've ever consumed for one breakthrough dose of bufo.

Going to ceremony tomorrow. I'm so fucking excited. I'm like a kid at Christmas.



That is the best thing I've read from you yet and I love a lot of your posts. I can relate so much. It helped me to read it. I could actually physically feel it, while I read it, like a wave going up my spine. I'm all tingly now.

I have become utterly disinterested in money. It means nothing to me. So much so, that it is threatening my relationship... because my wife still thinks in terms of material possessions. But - like you - I've realized I need to operate in the real world. I need to keep one foot in the door. My daughter has helped so much to anchor me to the ego world. Without her (and without my relationship) I would have gone fucking wild.

What you said about sex is interesting. I have little to no interest in pornography anymore. Sex is different now. Much more loving. I actually like the connection more then the sensation. I don't even have to ejaculate. I like the closeness. The warmth of another human being pressed up against me. Sex has become almost a spiritual thing for me. I now prefer to masturbate without pornography also and feel the connection to my own body. It's so much better than looking at a screen / magazine. Particularly if I'm watching gay porn. Doesn't make much sense to me any more since I've got a perfectly good dick in my hand.

When I discovered sexuality as a child, masturbation was exciting. I didn't have porn then. That's sort of what it feels like again, but much better.

Awakening seems to trigger a lot of important changes and perspective shifts, many of which you outline here.

I hear you on the money thing. In many religious traditions in India, they urge young people to go through the money making process in the earlier years, and then engage in spiritual pursuits closer to retirement... after you've raised kids, done the career thing, etc. Then you don't have to worry about money as much when you are pursuing Samadhi. Unfortunately awakening does not always work in such a linear way. My first true awakening was at age 26, after an extreme event. I was in the middle of my first degree and it was like someone dropped a reality bomb on my whole life. It was very disruptive, but ultimately uncontrollable.

The difficulty is that once Truth reorients to the truth of itself, it's obvious that none of the objects of the world have anything to do with it. Absolutely none of the things that you thought defined you before actually define you at all. It is total liberation. So why bother with things like money? Well, "the person" still needs money, the body needs to eat and experience things like nourishing touch. So, it goes back to the love piece. Although the world is transitory, there are still apparent beings in it who suffer. If someone needed your help, you'd probably help them. Well, "the person", the human level self, the mind-body is that person who needs your help. If the mind-body/ego/personality can be reoriented to the experiential knowledge of the real self, then, even though he can't have the direct experience of what is real, he can know he is still linearly working to a higher purpose that is in the closest resonance possible to the truth. It will never be identical - nothing in the world of objects can be - but within duality, that loving kindness is as close as it gets.

At least, this is how I'm trying to reconcile it. Otherwise I'm just going to sit here and do nothing for the rest of my apparent life, which would be kind of sad in a way. There is a human being here who still matters and I don't think that's trivial or should be spiritually bypassed. And if you truly get all this, if Satchitananda is running the show with little obscuration, then that is pure love anyway. Love is connection, so you are going to naturally move in a connected way with everything. The few enlightened people I've met in this life are that way. They just seem like loving action, all the time. Making money can be that way.

So I guess the difference is, post-awakening, you can make money under a totally different premise. Know what I mean? Before enlightenment, chop wood carry water; after enlightenment, chop wood carry water. The difference is who/what is doing it.

 

[Frog Dreams]

I have been looking at ego wrong, like it is a parasite or something. Yesterday, I made peace with ego on a deep level while I was further in the non dual state than (I think?) I've ever been. I realized it is part of me and it always will be part of me. The reason I choose to go back and forth between an ego state and a non dual state, is because I want to. I like both sides of the coin.

I have always know this. I have always liked my ego. But, there has been a conflict. That conflict is gone now.

I was also criticizing / rejecting ego in others to some extent. The negative part of ego. But that doesn't help anyone.

I don't have much fear. I have basically no shame. I took off all my clothes yesterday around a bunch of people I've never met. There was zero self-consciousness. I was just naked as God created me, standing in the mountains, with the breeze in my hair and the sun on my skin... I've taken off my clothes in nudist festivals and walked around naked all day, but this was another level.

I have zero regret.

These (fear / shame / regret) are things I'd like to completely shed from ego. They have little to no value for me... but, as others like @Cheshire_Kat and yourself, have said: it is virtually impossible to exist without ego.

I don't want to be a yogi. I don't want to live in the mountains. That state is beautiful and it would be bliss to maintain it forever, but I want to connect with people. I want to help others experience that state. I don't want to run away.

It would be selfish and greedy of me to leave everybody behind and maintain that state forever in isolation.