Its all up to you at the of the day. Honestly though you sound kinda scared. You let others control you via their opinion. There's a difference between giving no fucks in a good way and not giving any fucks in a bad way. I didn't have much to lose at one time. I still don't have much to lose but who cares really. The difference is I lose myself or the people I care for. That's what is not worth losing. Places? Who cares really. Items? Who cares really. Jobs? Even that's not that important. I'm not judging you man. What you do is up to you. I just wish I could've had someone to help me see the light before I almost saw eternal darkness. Some people need to learn themselves. There's always something to lose. If there wasn't why are you still here? Why not just off yourself? Cause you want to do drugs and listen to music? That seems like nonsense to me. Life truly is not important. Not mine, not yours. Unless you ascribe importance too it yourself. Once again we're just infantile blips on a huge huge map. Whether we live or die makes no difference. If you had something to do here you'd be doing it and if it was something that was going to happen in the future but you died then it was never meant to happen anyways right? Life has no purpose except what you give it. Its cool though man. You keep calling it speed but your doing meth. Something that releases something like 500 times the normal dopamine level. You think that has no consequences? So you only do it a couple times a month even though you said "for now" which made it seem like its going to increase. When your on drugs it can be hard to see their effects until you've sobered up. You once used a ton of meth from what I remember. Its the same cycle of any addict(not saying your an addict but...). Get clean, do good, think you can use a small amount at first, move to more and more. A lot of us here have been through it. Scared to die? Big deal. Death is just another beginning most likely another beginning of moving to the next phase. Suffer to get there? Big deal. People suffer everyday. I've come as close to dying as you can basically without actually biting it. I was not scared. I was excited moreover. You've gotta chose though. You. Not me. Not anyone else. Its your life. Once again man no judgements. I'm a real fuck up. I've done far worse then use every once in awhile. I also didn't steal, lie, or cheat. That didn't make it okay for me though. Instead of killing myself slowly hiding away I should've just got it over with. That's how I used to think sometimes anyways. I still don't exactly want live but I'm here so why not. Life isn't all fun and games. Sometimes you do very little to nothing to have undeserving things befall you. Acceptance and forgiveness is some of the strongest drugs around though. Living in the moment. Mindfulness. Meditation. Forgiving but not forgetting the reasons I had to learn certain lessons. There's a lot that can make it easier. These words aren't even so much specifically for you Llama. There for anyone who might be able to find truth and a bit of help from them even if its only me from my experiences. Just take care man. Sometimes others can see the things you can't. That doesn't even mean there is anything to see really its just an interesting fact to note....
Truth...
Man you guys, I'm struggling. Emotionally I mean. It's really hard being with someone who is depressed. I'm so frustrated about it, it's starting to feel like it's eating me up inside. Hanging out with her has been super boring lately too because she moved to a place with no Internet, and she doesn't really want to do anything except sit there thinking obsessively negative thoughts and watching videos about taking care of orchids. And I fucking hate being bored, it's the worst. And left to my own devices I am hardly ever bored. And to top it off I'm getting pretty sexually frustrated too because she hardly ever wants to have sex since she feels so bad and my desire for it has basically not changed at all. She'll throw me a bone sometimes but what I really want is for her to want to and for us both to be really into it, like it used to be. She used to really be bothered by her sex drive reducing until recently, but these days I'm not even sure if she is. Like last night I was feeling really horny, and still was this morning, and I had a sex dream about her too. Then in the morning when she was very clearly uninterested, I started feeling really frustrated and couldn't really hide it after a while. So I told her why, kinda hoping she'd realize how frustrated I was feeling without me saying it, and she was like, sorry, you should do something about it yourself then (getting off isn't even the point, it's the activity of sex, the closeness and bonding of it). And then she told me she was about to get her period, so basically that means no sex for like another week. It bums me out because back in the day when she was about to get her period she would be like, dude we need to have lots of sex right now because we won't be able to for a few days. She'd wake me up in the middle of the night because she was horny. And then until recently she would start crying because she really wished she could be horny because she misses feeling that closeness, but she just couldn't. It makes me feel shallow to be so bothered by this, but it bothers me a lot, it makes me feel a pretty deep sense of loss to be honest. If it was the only thing I don't think it would bother me as much, but it's just like, everything. She seems like a shell of her former self most of the time.
And she just doesn't do anything about it...
I really, really miss how things used to be. A fucking lot. I didn't used to feel this way about her at all... It really hurts. We used to have lots of fun together, and have lots of sex, and talk about interesting things all the time, and go on adventures. I used to feel a lot closer to her but there is like this sort of distance growing now, and I think it's because of protracted frustration. I'm not sure whether she feels less close to me or not. I am almost mourning it, except that I am holding out hope that she will be able to figure things out and get back to feeling better. I realized this morning that every time I've hung out with her the past few weeks, I've gotten knocked off whatever good flow I was on and started feeling really bad/anxious/angry/depressed, and then guilty for feeling the anger part of it. She treats me unfailingly well, I would just break up with her if she was treating me badly. But she's not. She's this poor, sad, hurt girl who I love and who loves me and really relies on me a lot actually, emotionally. I'm just so upset/frustrated about it. I don't know what to do. It's like a rollercoaster lately, I'll have a couple of days of hanging out with my friends/doing band stuff, and I'll start feeling great again, really positive, inspired, at peace. And then I'll hang out with my girl, and I'll really try hard to spread that feeling to her/maintain it for myself, but within a few hours, I'm feeling like this again because she's so apathetic and negative.
I really, really do not want to break up with her. I really want her to be able to get happy again. If she was happy again, everything would be great and I would literally have no complaints about our relationship at all. But this is a big one... what if she never gets happy again? I don't know when to draw the line. And in the meantime it fucking hurts, bad. I mean some days it's better than other days. And we'll start to be able to hike and camp a lot more really soon which is our favorite thing to do together anyway and it's also the time when both of us feel the most peaceful and happy anyway, when we're in nature. Also my recent rather extended stimulant abuse and subsequent picking up of a light phenibut dependence again don't help me at all. But the fact is that she has PTSD from her childhood and an unresolved relationship with her dad, and a growing sense of worthlessness/disempowerment from it, and until she deals with that, any time she's happy, it's just because she's briefly forgotten about that stuff. And this is on top of dealing with my dad's imminent death/suffering, and my mom's suffering... and suspecting one of my oldest friends may have killed himself* but not being able to find out... I guess this is an opportunity to get stronger, but
fuck man, it's been the most difficult emotional situation I've ever been in, for quite a while now, between my dad and everything else, and it feels like it just keeps getting worse. And there's no resolution nor do I have any power to change things about this, it's so much different from my opiate addiction and previous pain in my life. That stuff was under my control because it was my problems. Stopping loving these people is not an option, I can't do that nor do I want to. So there's nothing I can do because peoples' pain is their own to work through.
My own life, independent of the people I care about who are hurting, is great, I'm really happy with it, I'm doing the things I love, and I have great, positive, happy friends who I love and who love me, and I'm financially stable and have what I need without destroying myself in some job I hate. But I guess I have too much empathy because I can't not be affected by this stuff. The worst thing has become my relationship though, I'm just scared and sad and frustrated because I'm watching her really slowly implode I feel like... which is what I did with my ex for 12 years, watched her have a long, slow mental breakdown. Of course, she was a fucking crazy bitch to me so when it ended finally I was overjoyed. Plus she knocked down my self-esteem so badly and was really manipulative and abusive and controlling. They're really not comparable, I feel bad for even bringing them up in comparison to each other. But she
did dramatically implode and I watched and dealt with that for so long, and it was horrible. And I'm really scared that's gonna happen again. I learned my lessons from the last one, but that was to never accept someone abusing or controlling me. But what's so confusing is that my girlfriend doesn't do either of those things in the slightest. She's a really good woman. And that makes it even worse to see this happening to her, and it makes me want to support her, but the frustration I feel about it is really hard to not start accumulating against her, and she doesn't deserve for me to be mad at her for it. If I break up with her it's going to be me abandoning her in her worst need. And I don't want to. I just want her to find herself. I want it so bad. I really fucking miss that girl.
*This is not the methy friend, but a different one... fortunately that friend finally got help and is in rehab and living with his parents, so at least one person I love is getting better.
I've shared things here I rarely talk about IRL here. Its good to have outlets like this. 
consider this a warning.
