October Getting/Staying Sober/Clean Thread v. OctSOBER!

[Captain.Heroin]

I also wanted to say that methadone doesn't block heroin. If you indeed use heroin (or other opiates) on methadone, you can die from an overdose. Suboxone is unique in the sense that it has a higher affinity, and is only a partial agonist.

I agree with manboychef; don't fret. If you get kicked out of the program, it doesn't mean you're going to die. You have other options to stay sober. ORT isn't the only way.

 

[SmokingAces]

https://soundcloud.com/dealerdemusique/milky-chance-loveland-midside

Listening to this just out of a very deep conversation the deepest I have come to in a long time. Been reflecting on life in general but I've expressed that I no longer want certain friends in my life. Not that I don't care, but it can't go on its too toxic. I'm nearly a month clean of cocaine addiction now and friends are still smoking it. The thought of smoking crack or iv'ing coke makes me feel literally sick now. So do the ins and outs of toxic friends im better off without. But even more with the true friends I have lost over these past years of drug addiction.

It's a bitter pill to swallow but I have to leave everything behind now the good is gone and now so is the bad. I'd like to think some years down the line a few of the friends I've fell out of contact with our paths will cross. I know my love life I have fucked up the only one I cared about in years. That can't be undone. And with that and everything else in my life I'm sorry for every mistake I ever made. But now I am here and I've made them.

Now I'm back though and I don't care what it takes there are no more mental barriers that can stop me I've been broken so far to the bottom of the barrel that my life of addiction is over. I've done wrong so many times but now I'm free of that burden on my shoulders that part of me is gone. I'm driven I will return but my past life is over. The people I knew even the place to me is dead. In 6 months I move to Spain. I can't say I'm not nervous but all there is to me is eat sleep train fight your demons repeat I'm growing stronger and stronger every single day I can feel it within me I can actually tell people how I feel I still feel anxiety but it's just another barrier. I've massively mended bridges within my family and made good decisions for my own future even if some of it is selfish. and I know where I'm going and I know there are things in the way but I will bulldoze them.

I am going to go to the ends of the earth I will train harder and fight harder than ever. I am putting myself outside my comfort zone. I am going to do this and have everything I ever wanted but messed up because of drugs.

Thank you bluelight for the part you played in helping me to reach this level of knowledge and composure.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

I also wanted to say that methadone doesn't block heroin. If you indeed use heroin (or other opiates) on methadone, you can die from an overdose. Suboxone is unique in the sense that it has a higher affinity, and is only a partial agonist.

I agree with manboychef; don't fret. If you get kicked out of the program, it doesn't mean you're going to die. You have other options to stay sober. ORT isn't the only way.

Methadone doesn't block in the same way as subutex does, but it would be inaccurate to say that heroin's effects aren't dulled considerably when you use on top of methadone. By the by, how are you getting on in your recovery, Captain Heroin? Are you still opiate free/suicidally depressed?

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Methadone doesn't block in the same way as subutex does, but it would be inaccurate to say that heroin's effects aren't dulled considerably when you use on top of methadone. By the by, how are you getting on in your recovery, Captain Heroin? Are you still opiate free/suicidally depressed?

11 months, 3 weeks, 3 days

not suicidally depressed, but still depressed. Not all the time though, I have good parts of days.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

11 months, 3 weeks, 3 days

not suicidally depressed, but still depressed. Not all the time though, I have good parts of days.

Wow, man. I know that you aren't too fond of me, so you can take this as you want, but I just wanted to say that that is really fantastic & inspiring. It seems like not too long ago at all when I remember reading a post of yours about how the word seemed to you like a miserable & gloomy place and that without opiates in your body you were burdened with a constant deep suicidal depression & that life didn't seem worth living, so it's a real testament to how strong you must be as a person to not use despite that, and to be less than a week away from a whole year clean!! That's amazing, man! I'm trying to recover from heroin addiction myself and though we get different post-withdrawals - mine brings out the bipolar that opiates suppress so I get extreme, turbulent mood swings - I honestly don't know how you managed to get through nearly a year battling the cravings on top of the depression every single day. It's really great to hear you're getting better - do you feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel? now? Again, congratulations on the clean time, you have given me that extra spark of hope & motivation to try and make this time the time I finally do it right!

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Wow, man. I know that you aren't too fond of me, so you can take this as you want, but I just wanted to say that that is really fantastic & inspiring. It seems like not too long ago at all when I remember reading a post of yours about how the word seemed to you like a miserable & gloomy place and that without opiates in your body you were burdened with a constant deep suicidal depression & that life didn't seem worth living, so it's a real testament to how strong you must be as a person to not use despite that, and to be less than a week away from a whole year clean!! That's amazing, man! I'm trying to recover from heroin addiction myself and though we get different post-withdrawals - mine brings out the bipolar that opiates suppress so I get extreme, turbulent mood swings - I honestly don't know how you managed to get through nearly a year battling the cravings on top of the depression every single day. It's really great to hear you're getting better - do you feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel? now? Again, congratulations on the clean time, you have given me that extra spark of hope & motivation to try and make this time the time I finally do it right!

I don't dislike you Rio no hard feelings man

I remember what I was like back then too. I've come a long way.

I haven't worked a single hour this whole last year, but I have indeed had duties and responsibilities which have taxed my person a lot. I can't quite fathom how I've done it.

Even to this day I still have a lot of yawning and stomach irritability. I am sure the peripheral receptors in the stomach are permanently effected for myself - however, other than that, I think that there is light at the end of the tunnel after 6-12 months of sobriety for hardcore heroin/opiate addicts

to everyone making progress in their recovery

 

[Rio Fantastic]

I don't dislike you Rio no hard feelings man

I remember what I was like back then too. I've come a long way.

I haven't worked a single hour this whole last year, but I have indeed had duties and responsibilities which have taxed my person a lot. I can't quite fathom how I've done it.

Even to this day I still have a lot of yawning and stomach irritability. I am sure the peripheral receptors in the stomach are permanently effected for myself - however, other than that, I think that there is light at the end of the tunnel after 6-12 months of sobriety for hardcore heroin/opiate addicts

to everyone making progress in their recovery

You don't dislike me? Didn't I set out to be an insufferable dick to you for no real reason for a time? Well shit man, you are certainly a bigger man than I am! So if you don't mind me asking, since you are relatively far into your recovery now, what's some advice you'd offer to someone just about to make the first step into becoming opiate free, especially in regards to dealing with the inevitable depression that plagues the early days of recovery?

 

[Bernc1]

so glad to hear from you!

I am really happy to know I helped make a positive change in someone's life. Please keep moving forward with recovery, get back into natural activities, hobbies, sports, exercise, and get into a community (AA, NA, or just attend a church, or a neighborhood meeting, family visits/reunions; stay in touch with others in healthy ways!), try to get into school/work, and let us know how your recovery goes



Stay strong and be ready to follow through with treatment. You can do this

Thanks so much, Captain H and I will. Others say how they feel nervous....wondering what they will do with themselves. I just hope I don't lose the optimistic feeling that I have right now and don't discontinue thinking about all I CAN and WANT to do.

I said I was excited and I am but I'm also a small bit afraid as the days come closer. I guess this is somewhat normal?? Or at least I hope so because as I said I've truly never wanted anything more.

Also, another question to you or to anyone else....I LOVE to help people. Obviously I'm a big time "chatter"......yet I'm wanting to stay away from other threads besides this one right now. I always liked checking out NMI, TDS and all of the other forums but this weekend I feel like I just can't which is making me feel pretty much awful and selfish. I did take the "easy path out" though.....as in I did get enough to cover me for the weekend (I can't take clonidine and many other withdrawal meds due to my other health issues) and my doctor did give me enough to last until Monday but I'm pretty much "allowing" myself to go through major withdrawals even though I don't really have to. Is this a good idea? I don't feel good AT ALL yet this is all nothing I've never been through or felt before. Feeling jittery and shakey, unable to sleep much, throwing up, can't eat, hot and cold sweats....you all know the rest. A part of me wants to feel this way though. A last remembrance of not the "feeling ok" times (which were few and far between because it all just began to come down to the just "not being sick times")....a reminder of the week and a half or so per month that I had feeling this way yet I could easily "pop" (or in my case snort) a few pills and feel better in a few minutes.

I'm sorry, I'm probably not even making much sense but all and all, in a nutshell, I could easily make myself feel fine until Monday yet since I had my appointment, told my doctor and set my mind to doing this, as crazy this may sound I want to be sick.

I guess what I'm asking is if I'm "torturing" myself when I don't really have to? Captain, I would thank you for any input and would also thank anyone else. I've never gotten this far and as pathetic as this may sound to those who have been clean for a long time this has been my longest....a pathetic 30 or so hours without a stupid, pink pill. Am I just depressing myself more then I need to? I have 10 or am I making a wise decision within wanting to remind myself how sh**ty I feel when I run out?

 

[Bernc1]

And I'm so sorry for such a depressing and pessimistic post

 

[Stargazer]

Wow, this thread is amazing. Have read it all. Bernc1- I have felt today, as you are feeling....I am having trouble reading the other threads. After reading some, I thought "I need to go to Sober Living..."..I was feeling kinda triggered, then unhappy that I wasn't feeling as others were, etc.

I was an IV heroin user...on and off for some years. I could be on and off because I was on prescribed morphine. Then a relapse turned into a year long hard run...my worst ever. Not only the amount I was doing, but I lost everything. I've been clean, (it was a year in early July off H., but a year, Sept 5th off all opiates) so a little over a year... But, Bernc1, just my opinion-no, you shouldn't suffer if you don't have to. What good has it done in the past to "teach you your lesson" or to stop or keep you from using?

I have gone through wd so many times....and it did nothing to help. I believe in positive re-inforcement. I'm sure you beat yourself up, more and harder than anyone else can or does...I'm familiar lol.

It wasn't until I was in jail....and detoxed cold-turkey terribly. And even 16 days in, I couldn't eat still...I was in bad shape all around, that the Dr. there who obviously knew everything about my shenanigans, and checked w the pharmacy to verify that I really took Morphine and other rx's I said I did-asked me, when I had to go to medical "What do you need to feel better?"...I asked if I could have lyrica. Not only was I ill, I was in a lot of pain...

They didn't have it in their formulary-so she started me on Neurontin that afternoon. Maybe within an hour of taking it...I went from repulsed by the smell and thought of food to starving and really, really thirsty-and instead of little sips of fluid, I could actually drink like I needed to. It helped w pain somewhat-but it was better than I was feeling-and I noticed my anxiety went down tremendously. For a probation violation I was in for 6 and 1/2 month. But it was an enormous change in my life, not to live in a state of anxiety and panic attacks...

After the jail sentence, I was court ordered into a chronic pain program...that was the most awesome thing that could've happened. It was a positive, caring experience. That is what helped me get and stay clean. Plus the amazing people I met there, and keep in touch with. And usually, as has been said, if I wasn't on something, I felt anxiety ridden, panic attacks. In combination with group meetings, counseling, meds (Neurontin), physical therapy-which was going to the gym and working out everyday except Sun, alternative treatments (bio-feedback, which I love)- that is what made me want to keep going.

When I got detained, after being clean from heroin for a month- I was so pissed off that I got arrested. When I was able to stop praying to die from being so sick- I felt really angry, and was saying to myself "fuck this, when this is over, I'm getting high...what was the point of even stopping??" That's not good. I don' t believe jail is the answer to recovering. Yes, it may stop a person's behavior for the time being, but it isn't the answer.

Bern-whatever you decide, best wishes. It is great when you are honest w a Dr. - they don't yell at you or reinforce all the negative things you already think of yourself, but hug you, and give you love and support- wow...that brought tears to my eyes reading it. That's on the right path to healing. God knows, all of us are hurting badly and trying hard to live this new way.

I read so many amazing posts....thankyou bluelighters. I am grateful to all of you.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

You don't dislike me? Didn't I set out to be an insufferable dick to you for no real reason for a time? Well shit man, you are certainly a bigger man than I am! So if you don't mind me asking, since you are relatively far into your recovery now, what's some advice you'd offer to someone just about to make the first step into becoming opiate free, especially in regards to dealing with the inevitable depression that plagues the early days of recovery?

I believe you did but you wouldn't be the first person.

My advice is to be ready to go through hell. I would advise not working and not going to school for a while, until you're past 1-3 months and feel ready to resume these things. I would suggest you move out of your current location and into a new area when you want to get clean. It's not easy being in the same area you used to use in, and I can attest to this. It's also important to have a support network set up, friends or family who can help you through things when you don't feel able to do it yourself. Little things, like cleaning up the house, going to the grocery store, even walking a pet dog, can seem impossible or completely too painful during opiate withdrawal. I'm sure you know that from personal experience already, but some people just aren't prepared for it. It's also vital to have healthy activities ready: good food, books to read, sports/exercise, watching television or movies, things to keep your mind happy without drugs.

Thanks so much, Captain H and I will. Others say how they feel nervous....wondering what they will do with themselves. I just hope I don't lose the optimistic feeling that I have right now and don't discontinue thinking about all I CAN and WANT to do.

I said I was excited and I am but I'm also a small bit afraid as the days come closer. I guess this is somewhat normal?? Or at least I hope so because as I said I've truly never wanted anything more.

Also, another question to you or to anyone else....I LOVE to help people. Obviously I'm a big time "chatter"......yet I'm wanting to stay away from other threads besides this one right now. I always liked checking out NMI, TDS and all of the other forums but this weekend I feel like I just can't which is making me feel pretty much awful and selfish. I did take the "easy path out" though.....as in I did get enough to cover me for the weekend (I can't take clonidine and many other withdrawal meds due to my other health issues) and my doctor did give me enough to last until Monday but I'm pretty much "allowing" myself to go through major withdrawals even though I don't really have to. Is this a good idea? I don't feel good AT ALL yet this is all nothing I've never been through or felt before. Feeling jittery and shakey, unable to sleep much, throwing up, can't eat, hot and cold sweats....you all know the rest. A part of me wants to feel this way though. A last remembrance of not the "feeling ok" times (which were few and far between because it all just began to come down to the just "not being sick times")....a reminder of the week and a half or so per month that I had feeling this way yet I could easily "pop" (or in my case snort) a few pills and feel better in a few minutes.

I'm sorry, I'm probably not even making much sense but all and all, in a nutshell, I could easily make myself feel fine until Monday yet since I had my appointment, told my doctor and set my mind to doing this, as crazy this may sound I want to be sick.

I guess what I'm asking is if I'm "torturing" myself when I don't really have to? Captain, I would thank you for any input and would also thank anyone else. I've never gotten this far and as pathetic as this may sound to those who have been clean for a long time this has been my longest....a pathetic 30 or so hours without a stupid, pink pill. Am I just depressing myself more then I need to? I have 10 or am I making a wise decision within wanting to remind myself how sh**ty I feel when I run out?

It sounds like you have a hard time with this. Just make sure to focus on spending enough time on yourself; you're worth it!

NMI and TDS will always be there. Visit when you have time. Make yourself and your sobriety your #1 priority. Best advice I can give you.

You're doing great, keep up the progress!

 

[manboychef]

I have to go with stargazer on this one bernc. Why make something that is darn near one of the hardest things you will do in your life even harder. It is akin to letting your best friend die in your arms. Take comfort meds and build up some support. I too am honest with my doctor and he made sure I got the resources I needed. I detoxed a number of times in jail...ugh that is literally the worst place to do it. You have so much time on your hands to get bogged down in the miasma of self loathing that comes from constantly going over and over in your mind the things you have done wrong.

My best suggestion is to go to a detox center. They will help you to feel comfortable through your withdrawals.

Also, a negative attitude is going to be counterproductive. Try to find joy in your life. Fill your heart with sweet memories. Don't dwell, reminisce on good times that didn't involve using....and force yourself to realize that you can have them in your hands and mind again.

@CH. Yeah PAWS is rough and hits different people differently. I have OCD and panic disorder. I had so many panic attacks and my compulsions and obsessive thoughts became so unbearable that I couldn't go out in public. I was afraid people would think I was crazy...well because I thought I was crazy. I felt some doom and gloom, but it was mostly the insane anxiety that had me going crazier than a shit house rat. It took a few months, two of which were in rehab, and one at home to slowly be able to go outside my door...then to the mailbox, then down the block...it was a slow process and took a lot of work. I had to get used to feeling uncomfortable and learn how to mitigate those feelings that I had used to suppress. I have a similar amount of clean time as you and I still have a hard time leaving the house, however, I have made progress on this front. I too haven't gone back to work, but I have filled my time with other responsibilities as well...ie my step dad had heart surgery so I took care of him for a couple months, and my granny broke her hip (I know, cliched right?) So I walk her dogs everyday. Have you tried talking to a doctor, or seeing a therapist? Those have really helped me along...it is hard work and I know from reading your previous posts that you are in this for the long haul. I too shot subutex for years, and it really messed my mentality up...but it slowly gets better...hang in there. If you ever need someone to vent to, PM me. I have a huge ear.

@rio fantistic. People places and things my friend. This is so true. As CH says change your location because there will be an insane amount of triggers there....It is true: If you hang around the barber shop long enough you are going to get a haircut. The biggest piece of advice I can give you about early recovery is that you need some sort of support network, be it family, group therapy, or even fellowship in NA and AA. Those people will not only understand you better than you understand yourself but will be able to notice when you slip into relapse mentality. Also, if you slip, don't get down on yourself...make sure to pick yourself up and keep trying. The only failure is when you give up. It took me four years of trying different things to get any amount of clean time under my belt, and I slipped up a lot.

 

[phactor]

Some interesting discussion on PAWS/depression...

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but people are not meant to be "happy" all the time. I am just realizing this at around a year and a half clean

Anyways, my experience with the depression is that it slowly gets better all the time. At first, it feels like its constant, then I realized that I would get a few hours reprieve here and there. These periods extended and became more and more present. At about a year, I realized that I pretty much expected and did feel "okay" most of the time. Of course, there are plenty of times that I am upset but that is not so much because I "want to use", its more about being in a situation where I used to use and am trying to figure out how to navigate it without using.

There are no more quick fixes for me today!

Anyways, I am doing good. I really really need to back today. I have to just force myself to do it. I cannot wait until I move out of this apartment completely, I am just not a fan of the suburbs. But life is great!

 

[SmokingAces]

My advice is to be ready to go through hell. I would advise not working and not going to school for a while, until you're past 1-3 months and feel ready to resume these things. I would suggest you move out of your current location and into a new area when you want to get clean. It's not easy being in the same area you used to use in, and I can attest to this. It's also important to have a support network set up, friends or family who can help you through things when you don't feel able to do it yourself. Little things, like cleaning up the house, going to the grocery store, even walking a pet dog, can seem impossible or completely too painful during opiate withdrawal. I'm sure you know that from personal experience already, but some people just aren't prepared for it. It's also vital to have healthy activities ready: good food, books to read, sports/exercise, watching television or movies, things to keep your mind happy without drugs.
/QUOTE]

And I believe that is pretty spot on advice. baring the idea that "it's not going to be easy" or "not everything worth doing is easy" constantly at the back of your mind seems to make doing things you find hard at the time feel slightly easier and more worthwhile when you get them done. You remember it's all part of the process.

 

[cj]

I also wanted to say that methadone doesn't block heroin. If you indeed use heroin (or other opiates) on methadone, you can die from an overdose. Suboxone is unique in the sense that it has a higher affinity, and is only a partial agonist.

I agree with manboychef; don't fret. If you get kicked out of the program, it doesn't mean you're going to die. You have other options to stay sober. ORT isn't the only way.

I appreciate what you guys are trying to do but this isn't my first rodeo. I have tried suboxone more times than I can count. It didn't kill my cravings or stop me from wanting to use before it surely wont now that I have been on 130mg of methadone for 6 months. I tried going the non ORT route last year went to rehab tried the NA and the steps ect. Relapsed 3 hours after I got off the plane from rehab. My life was spinning completely out of control until I found methadone. The last 5 months on Mdone have been amazing. My family is starting to trust me again. Like this weekend I am home by myself taking care of all our animals. My mom even left me her bank card FFS!!!

And to think I am going to lose that because I smoke weed. To think I will have an 80 percent chance of dying because of weed! Its just fucked man utterly fucked! So if it really comes down to it I will be moving out of state to a place where weed isn't tested for at methadone clinics. I have a few places in mind from talking to people. But it will be really sad having to leave my home over this ;(

 

[SmokingAces]

I appreciate what you guys are trying to do but this isn't my first rodeo. I have tried suboxone more times than I can count. It didn't kill my cravings or stop me from wanting to use before it surely wont now that I have been on 130mg of methadone for 6 months. I tried going the non ORT route last year went to rehab tried the NA and the steps ect. Relapsed 3 hours after I got off the plane from rehab. My life was spinning completely out of control until I found methadone. The last 5 months on Mdone have been amazing. My family is starting to trust me again. Like this weekend I am home by myself taking care of all our animals. My mom even left me her bank card FFS!!!

And to think I am going to lose that because I smoke weed. To think I will have an 80 percent chance of dying because of weed! Its just fucked man utterly fucked! So if it really comes down to it I will be moving out of state to a place where weed isn't tested for at methadone clinics. I have a few places in mind from talking to people. But it will be really sad having to leave my home over this ;(

Great news that things are mending in your family man. But why do you need to move States? I know weed probably helps you massively, it does me too. But couldn't you just quit weed until your clean? How long would you have to be tested for?

 

[Bernc1]

Wow, this thread is amazing. Have read it all. Bernc1- I have felt today, as you are feeling....I am having trouble reading the other threads. After reading some, I thought "I need to go to Sober Living..."..I was feeling kinda triggered, then unhappy that I wasn't feeling as others were, etc.

I was an IV heroin user...on and off for some years. I could be on and off because I was on prescribed morphine. Then a relapse turned into a year long hard run...my worst ever. Not only the amount I was doing, but I lost everything. I've been clean, (it was a year in early July off H., but a year, Sept 5th off all opiates) so a little over a year... But, Bernc1, just my opinion-no, you shouldn't suffer if you don't have to. What good has it done in the past to "teach you your lesson" or to stop or keep you from using?

I have gone through wd so many times....and it did nothing to help. I believe in positive re-inforcement. I'm sure you beat yourself up, more and harder than anyone else can or does...I'm familiar lol.

It wasn't until I was in jail....and detoxed cold-turkey terribly. And even 16 days in, I couldn't eat still...I was in bad shape all around, that the Dr. there who obviously knew everything about my shenanigans, and checked w the pharmacy to verify that I really took Morphine and other rx's I said I did-asked me, when I had to go to medical "What do you need to feel better?"...I asked if I could have lyrica. Not only was I ill, I was in a lot of pain...

They didn't have it in their formulary-so she started me on Neurontin that afternoon. Maybe within an hour of taking it...I went from repulsed by the smell and thought of food to starving and really, really thirsty-and instead of little sips of fluid, I could actually drink like I needed to. It helped w pain somewhat-but it was better than I was feeling-and I noticed my anxiety went down tremendously. For a probation violation I was in for 6 and 1/2 month. But it was an enormous change in my life, not to live in a state of anxiety and panic attacks...

After the jail sentence, I was court ordered into a chronic pain program...that was the most awesome thing that could've happened. It was a positive, caring experience. That is what helped me get and stay clean. Plus the amazing people I met there, and keep in touch with. And usually, as has been said, if I wasn't on something, I felt anxiety ridden, panic attacks. In combination with group meetings, counseling, meds (Neurontin), physical therapy-which was going to the gym and working out everyday except Sun, alternative treatments (bio-feedback, which I love)- that is what made me want to keep going.

When I got detained, after being clean from heroin for a month- I was so pissed off that I got arrested. When I was able to stop praying to die from being so sick- I felt really angry, and was saying to myself "fuck this, when this is over, I'm getting high...what was the point of even stopping??" That's not good. I don' t believe jail is the answer to recovering. Yes, it may stop a person's behavior for the time being, but it isn't the answer.

Bern-whatever you decide, best wishes. It is great when you are honest w a Dr. - they don't yell at you or reinforce all the negative things you already think of yourself, but hug you, and give you love and support- wow...that brought tears to my eyes reading it. That's on the right path to healing. God knows, all of us are hurting badly and trying hard to live this new way.

I read so many amazing posts....thankyou bluelighters. I am grateful to all of you.

It IS SO VERY amazing. I read through it all last night I'm thinking this is a "monthly thing"? I hope so!

For starters, Stargazer, I want to thank you for the response. Yesterday...all day and night....I just felt "weird". I can't explain it. I kept reading and rereading responses given to me and wanted to reply but just felt "numb". I did take your advise and used them (incorrectly of course). Not that you told me to do THAT!! I also drank. Never a good combo for me especially mixed in with my prescribed 3 mgs of Xanax (I usually only take one though), 4,200 mgs of Neurontin (which doesn't help my anxiety unfortunately nor does anything seem to at this point), 40 mgs of Baclofen (which for me is a very strong muscle relaxer and just makes me feel "dead").....I won't continue but my med list is quite lengthy to say the least and I'm sure not bragging about it.

I did it to myself last night to "escape" and that's precisely (before I was diagnosed with many horrible conditions that I hate complaining about so I won't) how I became addicted in the 1st place. To make it short on this subject, I recently allowed someone I once loved more then anything back into my life and I made him move out last night. He's an h user (he says he's not now but I don't believe it and know he did use daily in the past because he fully admits it) and also repeatedly stole my pills. No matter where I'd hide them? He'd find them. Up in ceiling tiles....everywhere and anywhere. He even laughed and showed me "better" places. I've only ever been with either physically or mentally abusive men (besides one) and he began putting me down on Friday night and I screamed at him to "GET THE F*CK OUT" at 2 am. Needless to say I'm VERY lucky I'm sitting here still and writing this message but I think he was just too scared because he's on probation and if he hit me or got drug tested he'd be right back in jail.

What I don't understand with him though? He can use for weeks on end and only gets mild wds. A little chilly...nothing major. I know it's different for everyone but I sure as hell wish that that's all I got when withdrawing!!!

Within that aspect? I'm exactly like you, Stargazer. I have gotten it all. Some say Neurontin and baclofen and Xanax helps wds but it doesn't touch mine at all. I also (like you) have had seizures and the odd thing is that Neurontin has many uses and one is for seizures so go figure. I also have blood pressure that isn't regulated and when in wds? Oh my god. I feel like my heart is going to come flying out of my chest. I get SOOO scared. Plus all my muscles trembling at once and the Xanax doesn't even touch that even if I take 3 mgs at once nor does the baclofen. Plus all the rest that comes along with withdrawing (severe vomitting and diarrhea)... in regards to that? I'm so lucky I was never hospitalized due to ndehydration.

Anyway, last night (and the night before) I could've been dead for multiple reasons which is precisely why I NEED to stop now. I even recorded him for 24 minutes as he put me down before I kicked him out just so that when he sends me his usual, "I love you so much babe. PLEASE take me back. I promise I'll get help. You're the best and most beautiful woman in this world and I swear to treat you like you deserve to be"....I will listen to the 24 minute recording instead of "buying" into the text that I was just so easily able to write on his behalf because I've heard it SO many times. Besides the abuse, if I want to get sober? I'd never be able to if I permanently got back together with him. And for those that may have read my very 1st thread "PETRIFIED and BEGGING for HELP"? It's not the same guy and I had to delete that thread due to fear that someone in my small Pa town would see it and show him. Anyway, I just sure tend to pick the real "winners". I've only ever had one good man and I screwed that up bad and will always regret it because we were together for 10 years and I just got "bored"?? The more I think about my life, I'm realizing I need more help then just getting off of drugs. And alcohol. I do see a psychiatrist but I definitely need a therapist, know I should go to meetings (wish I could go to rehab but called nearly everywhere in my area and all declined my insurance) and also NEED to "talk to" people on here because everyone is just so absolutely wonderful!!

Onto you (I'm sorry for my as usual ramble).....you're amazing. A true inspiration!!! You've TRULY been to hell and back. KEEP FIGHTING!!! I read through your last thread last night (and nearly everyone's threads that have posted on this sober forum and you're ALL such beautiful people). I found myself in nearly every single one of you.

Another thing I did last night was painted my nails. Something I ALWAYS did and I just did it over and over until it was perfect. I've always also been a "perfectionist" and not in a good way but in a way that I definitely "bash myself". And if I could only stay away from the loser men for the rest of my life I would probably be my only critic. I would actually love to share my full name (I only do that though obviously in pm's yet feel my name is quite obvious....I screwed up and was all "messed up" when I opened an account on here last year).......anyway, just so people can see how fake I am to people who know me. As in Facebook. They ALLLL think I'm so very strong and beautiful on the inside and out yet you know what? I have 37 notifications. Do you think I clicked on to read them? Hell no. No one (not one single friend of mine) knows I'm an addict. Just all of you and it feels so good to be able to be the "REAL ME" on here. Here and there I just change my picture so they know I'm still alive since they do all know that I have a debilitating illness that will progress and now most likely cancer.

I'm so sorry for this long message (and thank anyone so much if they take the time to read it) but I still want to add and ask a few more things because I am SO scared now about tomorrow. This will be a different "me" yet for one I'm scared my insurance won't cover it. And I'm also scared that they will want me to stop taking Xanax and drug test me (I can stop drinking but don't feel I can ever stop taking them since I've been on them since 2009...did go to rehab once and was taken off of them but couldn't handle the anxiety when I got home and went back on them. The wds were NEVERENDING!! Or at least for me they were). I believe Captain mentioned that they don't usually drug test but someone else said they do. I'm assuming it depends upon the doctor and where you live??? I am SOOO worried about that. Also, don't you need to be in full blown wds to take subozone? I did take it once (while I was non opiate dependent yet would orally just take 5 mgs of oxys here and there)....I traded a methadone for a 4 my strip being told I would feel like I took a 5 mg oxy but that the effect would last for much longer. Yeah, it sure did. I went into wds even though I wasn't addicted to opiates. Is this normal? I threw up nonstop for about 12 hours, my pupils were like tiny dots and everything just felt like it was spinning. It was awful!!! Now though (I'm not sure if I've said yet probably have 50 times already) my addiction is at around 120 mgs per day. Many have told me that that's not that large of a dose and that I should just "suck it up" and cold turkey it yet when I've tried I get all of the symptoms I named above. Either way, my doctor does know and obviously does think it's a high enough dose otherwise he wouldn't have agreed to my going there and set up the appointment, right?

To you all, I'm SOOOOOO SORRY FOR THE RAMBLE!! I'm just feeling like a wreck today. Am not going to drink and am down to only 1 oxy so I know I will end up withdrawing (and now don't want to). With the 10 left that I said I had the other day I still went through it since I wd every 4 hours or so. If I talked to my sister though (who has been texting me but I've ignored her) I could get more.

Lastly, someone mentioned about feeling they have a snorting habit. I TRULY feel I do. Is that possible? I realize it sounds insane but half of the "thrill" for me is snorting and I guess I'm really lucky that I've not moved up yet to h myself. Concerning that though? I almost want to laugh because it makes me think of a funny childhood memory. When I was 4 I had a toy clock that you could take apart and put back together to make it look different. Well, I decided to take some of the tiny pieces and stick them up my nose to see where they'd go. You know where they went? In the hands of an ER doctor because I was too afraid to tell my mom and left them in there for 3 days (trying so hard to get them out) and my nose got infected. Perhaps that was an early "sign" that I'd become an addict some day??

Ok so I'm TRULY done with my "jibber jabber" now. I'm just going to end by saying that you are all such STRONG people!!! To those who wanted to stop and have? If you slip up? It's just a minor "fall". Get back up! Alls you can do is give it YOUR ABSOLUTE ALL...something I DEFINITELY plan to do!! To those who haven't done it yet but want to? Try hard! You can do it! That's also DEFINITELY something I'm also choosing to believe about myself. And also to those who still use? Please just be safe because whether it's "real life" friends or friends I have on here...I would never want to lose any of you. Good luck to all. Don't ever give up. God bless. And lots of love.

 

[Bernc1]

I always want to apologize but also always get a slight grin on my face (just to be honest) when I click on my phone after writing something, "Post Quick Reply". Sorry I never do that. Haha. I truly DO thank and think the world of you all though.

And let me just say, I have only had 5 mgs today and haven't had a drink since midnight last night so it's not drugs or alcohol "talking"

 

[Bernc1]

I always want to apologize but also always get a slight grin on my face (just to be honest) when I click on my phone after writing something, "Post Quick Reply". Sorry I never do that. Haha. I truly DO thank and think the world of you all though.

And let me just say, I have only had 5 mgs today and haven't had a drink since midnight last night so it's not drugs or alcohol "talking"

Stargazer, I'd also like to add that I 100% agree with you....jail is NOT the answer for all people and what you endured is absolutely horrific!!!!! I'm going by what you wrote here as well as what you wrote on your thread. If you get a chance please pm me and (of course if you don't mind) tell me where you live in pa since I also live here and from the sounds of it the prison you were in seems to be identical to one that is around 20 miles from my home. That prison (and I know many other ones as well do the same) treated people like animals!!! Not even like humans even if it was a "petty crime". I'm just so sickened by all that they allowed you to endure before helping you

Also, if you don't mind me asking this publically, what physical ailments do you have? I'm glad that the Neurontin worked for you but it doesn't do ANYTHING for me even at the super high dose I take. When it was recently upped? I was told that it's the largest dose that can be prescribed (I take 600 mg tablets 7 times per day). Besides the neurological condition I have that has no cure (YET as I always try to say), I also have herniated disks and severe spinal stenosis and a few other spinal conditions. My life is filled with pain yet the pain pills just add to the pain or at least that's how I feel now. In just hope that for one...I can get the suboxone and for 2 that it will stop cravings (some say it does, others say it doesn't)....but I also do need some pain relief as well.

As for if anyone mentions that methadone may be a better option? Of this I'm positive. The clinics in my area will not prescribe it if a person takes Xanax and you must go daily to get it and due to the fact that the nearest clinic is around 30 miles from my home, I truly cannot drive that far everyday....I wouldn't feel safe and wouldn't want to jeopardize someone else's life since due to the RSD in my right leg it often makes my entire leg and foot go numb. And as for it being prescribed in my area by a doctor? To the best of my knowledge no "regular" doctors will give it anymore. Plus, as for methadone, I have 1st handedly witnessed my sister chronically overtaking them and always running out early even when she was getting 18 10's per day because all of her "drug cravings" were still there. She's now been cut down much too fast (in my opinion) to 6 per day within a 2 month span and is experiencing wds and overtaking them even more and of course running out even earlier even more. But, again, I know that what works for some may not work for another.

 

[Bernc1]

I also wanted to say that methadone doesn't block heroin. If you indeed use heroin (or other opiates) on methadone, you can die from an overdose. Suboxone is unique in the sense that it has a higher affinity, and is only a partial agonist.

I agree with manboychef; don't fret. If you get kicked out of the program, it doesn't mean you're going to die. You have other options to stay sober. ORT isn't the only way.[/QUOTE
Caltain H, this is precisely why I'm hoping that suboxone helps me. I've witnessed a severe overdose due to someone taking methadone and then taking a mass quantity of another opiate on top of it since (as I said on another post), her cravings for other drugs while on methadone didn't go away at all. She almost died due to this fact.