Wow, this thread is amazing. Have read it all. Bernc1- I have felt today, as you are feeling....I am having trouble reading the other threads. After reading some, I thought "I need to go to Sober Living..."..I was feeling kinda triggered, then unhappy that I wasn't feeling as others were, etc.
I was an IV heroin user...on and off for some years. I could be on and off because I was on prescribed morphine. Then a relapse turned into a year long hard run...my worst ever. Not only the amount I was doing, but I lost everything. I've been clean, (it was a year in early July off H., but a year, Sept 5th off all opiates) so a little over a year... But, Bernc1, just my opinion-no, you shouldn't suffer if you don't have to. What good has it done in the past to "teach you your lesson" or to stop or keep you from using?
I have gone through wd so many times....and it did nothing to help. I believe in positive re-inforcement. I'm sure you beat yourself up, more and harder than anyone else can or does...I'm familiar lol.
It wasn't until I was in jail....and detoxed cold-turkey terribly. And even 16 days in, I couldn't eat still...I was in bad shape all around, that the Dr. there who obviously knew everything about my shenanigans, and checked w the pharmacy to verify that I really took Morphine and other rx's I said I did-asked me, when I had to go to medical "What do you need to feel better?"...I asked if I could have lyrica. Not only was I ill, I was in a lot of pain...
They didn't have it in their formulary-so she started me on Neurontin that afternoon. Maybe within an hour of taking it...I went from repulsed by the smell and thought of food to starving and really, really thirsty-and instead of little sips of fluid, I could actually drink like I needed to. It helped w pain somewhat-but it was better than I was feeling-and I noticed my anxiety went down tremendously. For a probation violation I was in for 6 and 1/2 month. But it was an enormous change in my life, not to live in a state of anxiety and panic attacks...
After the jail sentence, I was court ordered into a chronic pain program...that was the most awesome thing that could've happened. It was a positive, caring experience. That is what helped me get and stay clean. Plus the amazing people I met there, and keep in touch with. And usually, as has been said, if I wasn't on something, I felt anxiety ridden, panic attacks. In combination with group meetings, counseling, meds (Neurontin), physical therapy-which was going to the gym and working out everyday except Sun, alternative treatments (bio-feedback, which I love)- that is what made me want to keep going.
When I got detained, after being clean from heroin for a month- I was so pissed off that I got arrested. When I was able to stop praying to die from being so sick- I felt really angry, and was saying to myself "fuck this, when this is over, I'm getting high...what was the point of even stopping??" That's not good. I don' t believe jail is the answer to recovering. Yes, it may stop a person's behavior for the time being, but it isn't the answer.
Bern-whatever you decide, best wishes. It is great when you are honest w a Dr. - they don't yell at you or reinforce all the negative things you already think of yourself, but hug you, and give you love and support- wow...that brought tears to my eyes reading it. That's on the right path to healing. God knows, all of us are hurting badly and trying hard to live this new way.
I read so many amazing posts....thankyou bluelighters. I am grateful to all of you.
It IS SO VERY amazing
. I read through it all last night I'm thinking this is a "monthly thing"? I hope so
!
For starters, Stargazer, I want to thank you for the response
. Yesterday...all day and night....I just felt "weird". I can't explain it. I kept reading and rereading responses given to me and wanted to reply but just felt "numb". I did take your advise and used them (incorrectly of course). Not that you told me to do THAT
!! I also drank. Never a good combo for me especially mixed in with my prescribed 3 mgs of Xanax (I usually only take one though), 4,200 mgs of Neurontin (which doesn't help my anxiety unfortunately nor does anything seem to at this point), 40 mgs of Baclofen (which for me is a very strong muscle relaxer and just makes me feel "dead").....I won't continue but my med list is quite lengthy to say the least and I'm sure not bragging about it.
I did it to myself last night to "escape" and that's precisely (before I was diagnosed with many horrible conditions that I hate complaining about so I won't
) how I became addicted in the 1st place. To make it short on this subject, I recently allowed someone I once loved more then anything back into my life and I made him move out last night. He's an h user (he says he's not now but I don't believe it and know he did use daily in the past because he fully admits it) and also repeatedly stole my pills. No matter where I'd hide them? He'd find them. Up in ceiling tiles....everywhere and anywhere. He even laughed and showed me "better" places. I've only ever been with either physically or mentally abusive men (besides one) and he began putting me down on Friday night and I screamed at him to "GET THE F*CK OUT" at 2 am. Needless to say I'm VERY lucky I'm sitting here still and writing this message but I think he was just too scared because he's on probation and if he hit me or got drug tested he'd be right back in jail.
What I don't understand with him though? He can use for weeks on end and only gets mild wds. A little chilly...nothing major. I know it's different for everyone but I sure as hell wish that that's all I got when withdrawing!!!
Within that aspect? I'm exactly like you, Stargazer. I have gotten it all. Some say Neurontin and baclofen and Xanax helps wds but it doesn't touch mine at all. I also (like you) have had seizures and the odd thing is that Neurontin has many uses and one is for seizures so go figure. I also have blood pressure that isn't regulated and when in wds? Oh my god. I feel like my heart is going to come flying out of my chest. I get SOOO scared
. Plus all my muscles trembling at once and the Xanax doesn't even touch that even if I take 3 mgs at once nor does the baclofen. Plus all the rest that comes along with withdrawing (severe vomitting and diarrhea)... in regards to that? I'm so lucky I was never hospitalized due to ndehydration.
Anyway, last night (and the night before) I could've been dead for multiple reasons which is precisely why I NEED to stop now. I even recorded him for 24 minutes as he put me down before I kicked him out just so that when he sends me his usual, "I love you so much babe. PLEASE take me back. I promise I'll get help. You're the best and most beautiful woman in this world and I swear to treat you like you deserve to be"....I will listen to the 24 minute recording instead of "buying" into the text that I was just so easily able to write on his behalf because I've heard it SO many times. Besides the abuse, if I want to get sober? I'd never be able to if I permanently got back together with him. And for those that may have read my very 1st thread "PETRIFIED and BEGGING for HELP"? It's not the same guy and I had to delete that thread due to fear that someone in my small Pa town would see it and show him. Anyway, I just sure tend to pick the real "winners". I've only ever had one good man and I screwed that up bad and will always regret it because we were together for 10 years and I just got "bored"?? The more I think about my life, I'm realizing I need more help then just getting off of drugs. And alcohol. I do see a psychiatrist but I definitely need a therapist, know I should go to meetings (wish I could go to rehab but called nearly everywhere in my area and all declined my insurance) and also NEED to "talk to" people on here because everyone is just so absolutely wonderful
!!
Onto you (I'm sorry for my as usual ramble).....you're amazing. A true inspiration
!!! You've TRULY been to hell and back. KEEP FIGHTING
!!! I read through your last thread last night (and nearly everyone's threads that have posted on this sober forum and you're ALL such beautiful people). I found myself in nearly every single one of you
.
Another thing I did last night was painted my nails. Something I ALWAYS did and I just did it over and over until it was perfect. I've always also been a "perfectionist" and not in a good way but in a way that I definitely "bash myself". And if I could only stay away from the loser men for the rest of my life I would probably be my only critic. I would actually love to share my full name (I only do that though obviously in pm's yet feel my name is quite obvious....I screwed up and was all "messed up" when I opened an account on here last year).......anyway, just so people can see how fake I am to people who know me. As in Facebook. They ALLLL think I'm so very strong and beautiful on the inside and out yet you know what? I have 37 notifications. Do you think I clicked on to read them? Hell no. No one (not one single friend of mine) knows I'm an addict. Just all of you and it feels so good to be able to be the "REAL ME" on here. Here and there I just change my picture so they know I'm still alive since they do all know that I have a debilitating illness that will progress and now most likely cancer.
I'm so sorry for this long message (and thank anyone so much if they take the time to read it) but I still want to add and ask a few more things because I am SO scared now about tomorrow. This will be a different "me" yet for one I'm scared my insurance won't cover it. And I'm also scared that they will want me to stop taking Xanax and drug test me (I can stop drinking but don't feel I can ever stop taking them since I've been on them since 2009...did go to rehab once and was taken off of them but couldn't handle the anxiety when I got home and went back on them. The wds were NEVERENDING!! Or at least for me they were). I believe Captain mentioned that they don't usually drug test but someone else said they do. I'm assuming it depends upon the doctor and where you live??? I am SOOO worried about that
. Also, don't you need to be in full blown wds to take subozone? I did take it once (while I was non opiate dependent yet would orally just take 5 mgs of oxys here and there)....I traded a methadone for a 4 my strip being told I would feel like I took a 5 mg oxy but that the effect would last for much longer. Yeah, it sure did. I went into wds even though I wasn't addicted to opiates. Is this normal? I threw up nonstop for about 12 hours, my pupils were like tiny dots and everything just felt like it was spinning. It was awful!!! Now though (I'm not sure if I've said yet probably have 50 times already) my addiction is at around 120 mgs per day. Many have told me that that's not that large of a dose and that I should just "suck it up" and cold turkey it yet when I've tried I get all of the symptoms I named above. Either way, my doctor does know and obviously does think it's a high enough dose otherwise he wouldn't have agreed to my going there and set up the appointment, right?
To you all, I'm SOOOOOO SORRY FOR THE RAMBLE!! I'm just feeling like a wreck today. Am not going to drink and am down to only 1 oxy so I know I will end up withdrawing (and now don't want to). With the 10 left that I said I had the other day I still went through it since I wd every 4 hours or so. If I talked to my sister though (who has been texting me but I've ignored her) I could get more.
Lastly, someone mentioned about feeling they have a snorting habit. I TRULY feel I do. Is that possible? I realize it sounds insane but half of the "thrill" for me is snorting and I guess I'm really lucky that I've not moved up yet to h myself
. Concerning that though? I almost want to laugh because it makes me think of a funny childhood memory
. When I was 4 I had a toy clock that you could take apart and put back together to make it look different. Well, I decided to take some of the tiny pieces and stick them up my nose to see where they'd go. You know where they went? In the hands of an ER doctor because I was too afraid to tell my mom and left them in there for 3 days (trying so hard to get them out) and my nose got infected. Perhaps that was an early "sign" that I'd become an addict some day
??
Ok so I'm TRULY done with my "jibber jabber" now. I'm just going to end by saying that you are all such STRONG people!!! To those who wanted to stop and have? If you slip up? It's just a minor "fall". Get back up
! Alls you can do is give it YOUR ABSOLUTE ALL...something I DEFINITELY plan to do
!! To those who haven't done it yet but want to? Try hard! You can do it
! That's also DEFINITELY something I'm also choosing to believe about myself. And also to those who still use? Please just be safe because whether it's "real life" friends or friends I have on here...I would never want to lose any of you. Good luck to all
. Don't ever give up
. God bless
. And lots of love
.